To move away with newborn

[MrsHaniff]

I’m worried for the mental and physical health of my newborn baby.
I met my Husband three years ago and my Son who is now 10 was introduced to him slowly before he moved in 8 months ago. He has never met any other man and I was very careful to only introduce a man after I’d dated them at least 16 months which is what I did.
I was worried about introducing a man into our lives but this aspect of things couldn’t have gone better and they have a great bond with my son really
Missing him when he’s at work.
My Son has always been a very happy and contented child. He’s always had an issue with coming off electronics. Getting very angry when it’s time to come off his iPad or Xbox but after a few minutes of tantrum he’d be fine. He was also the same at bed time with not wanting to go to bed but would eventually go. He’s been like this since about 5.
I recently gave birth to my second child. My Husbands first child. He is 3 weeks old.
My 10 year old always wanted a sibling and was excited to meet his Brother in hospital. I was very unwell after the birth but was discharged from hospital 3 days after a c section and with an active infection. So I’ve not been well physically to cope with everything.
My Son went to his Dad for the weekend and since then his behaviour has escalated.
He says he hates the baby and I should have had an abortion. It’s a shame it can’t be killed!
He’s made some racist remarks to my Husband and started only
Communicating with him in a rude manner.
His reaction to being asked to go
To bed or come off electronics while always difficult is now 100 times worse and involves screaming and shouting. We have set rules we keep too which were recommended. Yesterday he threw a football near the baby which hit the wall and scared him causing him to scream.
He has said he’s talked to his Dad about everything and he wants to live with him as he is buying a two bed house and he will have his own room there (his Dad makes false promises as he just doesn’t have the money for a two bed place and is refusing to pay child maintenance due to financial
Difficulties). He also says his Dad doesn’t want anymore children as he’s enough for him.
Yesterday after he’d kicked the football I told him to go to his room and I’d come to chat to him.
I had an hour chat with him and he said that he misses being an only child and hates living with the baby. It cries all the time and he can’t play with it so there’s no point in him. He said he prefers to live with his Dad as he’s an only child there. He said he will come down here every other weekend but wants to live with his Dad.
I explained I understood it’s a huge adjustment for him and did say when he’s older he can choose who he lives with. He’s never lived with his Dad and Dad is very much a ‘Disney Dad’ and quite irresponsible (let’s him stay up until 1am, on Xbox all
Day etc). I’d have concerns if he lived there permanently and his Dad had the parenting responsibilities of day to day life. I also suspect there’s a huge element of parental alienation where his Dad encourages him to want to live there. Making out he will have a better time there and especially using the new baby to his advantage with that.
He’s off with his Dad for the school holidays.

Anyway this morning he was pretty angry because I’d not charged up his iPad. His shouting woke baby up.

I am worried for my eldest welfare too and need advice and support to manage what is going on with him. But also worried for the newborn who I fear will grow up with an angry much older brother who hates him.

For now I’m wondering if it would benefit them both if my Husband lived away with the newborn (his brother lives 5 mins away and is happy to have them if needed). Or would this be seen as a massive rejection to the 10 year old? If it’s not the best course of action can anyone recommend anything else? We’re currently trying to make
Lots of time for eldest on his own with positive attention.
I’ve spoken to his school teacher who says he is very happy on school and talks excitedly about his baby brother which was shocking to me. I also noticed on his iPad he has changed his background pic to one of his brother.

But generally he’s just rude and aggressive now and it’s created a horrible environment in the home.

NOT THIS!!!! He will blame the baby and you and this will damage your relationship. He is 10 and is feeling replaced and unsteady. He needs nurturing and to feel he is still special.

I'm so sorry you're going through this stress. There are lots of tips about helping a big sibling cope with a newborn. Like when the big child is doing something telling the newborn what the big child is doing so they feel seen and acknowledged and the newborn knows they're being spoken too. Your son could definitely do with counselling or ELSA at school is that available?

I would also show your son a calendar. Mark on it months of what you think the baby will be doing that month and ways in which is will play. Eg 6 months it's spring baby can roll over and laugh with him and 10 months can crawl and roll and ball back. Refer to this when he says the baby is pointless. And also tell him
That's a normal feeling

Can you find books online about having a baby sibling?

Be absolutely tough about any unsafe behaviour - warn him that will be instant removal of devices and follow through.

I definitely get this to an extent.
it’s quite boring being with a newborn. The crying can be very stressful and they’re time consuming. So to a 10 year old he probably just can’t see the benefits.

This. In this situation I’d suggest that the removal of devices should be reserved for only a serious issue- and I’m normally one for taking them away at the first sign of trouble.

He is feeling very anxious and it sounds like his dad is fuelling his sense of grievance.

Keep the restrictions to s minimum - No footballs booted around the house, get those outside. Explain clearly how babies grow and develop, and that he won’t be crying forever. I’d acknowledge that he could go and spend more time at his dad’s- especially if you know that’s never likely to happen .

They might not be close for many years - you need to accept that. I have an 8 year gap between my two DSs. They more or less ignored each other for years. Now they are very close - early 20s and mid teens.

Thanks for all the great advice.
I’ve had some time to reflect and while he does seem to like my Husband there’s a part of me that worries and wonders if he just prefers living somewhere where there’s no non-blood relation living there.
So with his Dad he has no step parent to live with. His Dad has had numerous girlfriends but they haven’t lasted. He does have a new girlfriend but she doesn’t live with him and my son doesn’t seem to take any notice of these girlfriends.
His Dad has told me our Son says he doesn’t like my Husband and only says he does to be nice. While I don’t think that’s true.
That does worry me as my Son is kind and essentially wouldn’t want to upset me so I do wonder if he is happy living with our new family setup.

However the evidence I’ve seen is that he really has a good bond with my Husband. He asks where he is when he’s away, waits at the door for him to come back from work, will confide in him about things and will always want to spend time with him.
They have a chat for an hour before bed which he always seems happy about.
I think as someone who has happily married parents I felt intense guilt about getting married and bringing a man into my sons life. But I think I worry unnecessarily about it sometimes.
He’s the only man he’s ever been introduced to and is kind to him.

That’s my hope. That with time they will be close but I don’t expect that until they’re much older. When my youngest was born my Son was 9. He’s only just turned 10 a few days ago.

Tbh that should have been the stance as start as the misbehavior around electronics and then it wouldn’t be associated with the baby at all. But sorry that’s the rule whether he associates it with a baby or not. Tbh getting him off them might actually afford more
opportunity for quality time with mum and little bro!

Hope you sort it out OP?