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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for the money?

46 replies

Cassidyscircus · 27/10/2023 10:51

I feel a bit awkward so genuinely could use a kick in the right direction with this.
I'm in a new relationship of 6 months. My dboyfriend works away on occasion which is fine (I enjoy the space). His next work trip away is to Japan, and he will have a good amount of time to himself per day. He will be gone for 4 months.

He asked me a while ago if I would consider flying out half way through, to spend 10 days with him. He said he would pay half my flight fare . He said multiples times how excited and happy he is, I eventually booked the flight and he said he would send me his half.

He still hasn't sent it after 4 weeks. He 'owes me'around £450 which is a lot to me. I raised it lSt night and got the same response saying yes, absolutely, I'm sorry etc but he still hasn't actually asked for my bank details

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pay the half he owes me? It is tainting the trip and how I feel about him.

We're both have good jobs (he earns quite a bit more) so he can definitely afford it

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 27/10/2023 10:53

Send him your bank details, remind him of the amount, tell him you need the money by X date or you’ll need to cancel because you can't afford it otherwise.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 10:53

Hi bf I have lots of expenses next week can you send the fare over today? Here are my bank details.. Love op. If you can't talk to him you shouldn't be sleeping with him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/10/2023 10:55

YANBU expecting him to pay for half since he said he would but YABU complaining when you haven't given him your bank details and expect him to ask for them instead.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 27/10/2023 10:56

Whataretheodds · 27/10/2023 10:53

Send him your bank details, remind him of the amount, tell him you need the money by X date or you’ll need to cancel because you can't afford it otherwise.

This. Don't wait for him to ask, just send them

RachelGreensHair · 27/10/2023 10:56

You've been together six months? How well do you know him? How is he usually with money?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 10:57

As pp say, send him your bank details. Tell him you need the money paid today.

lamalamalamasquirrel · 27/10/2023 10:59

Why haven't you given him your bank details?

ThelmaBorden · 27/10/2023 11:07

Any reason - perhaps he has changed his mind, got cold feet, you were seeing
each other for only 6 months, 10 days staying together is a long time in a nascent relationship,
consider cashing in your tickets, chalk this one up to experience, it is going nowhere, certainly not to Japan - this is what we call “future faking”

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/10/2023 11:07

Send him your bank details and add "Let me know as soon as you've transferred the money so I can check that it's arrived."

Then repeatedly message "Have you sent it? Only, there's no sign in my account".

VeridicalVagabond · 27/10/2023 11:11

6 months is a really short time to then be separated for 4 months and spend £900 to go see someone.

Is he already in Japan? Maybe he's got cold feet and doesn't want you to come and is hoping if he dilly dallys enough you'll just cancel?

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 11:17

Are you sure it wasn't a throw away comment??

Original poster
Cassidyscircus · 27/10/2023 11:17

I know it is daft but I think I was a bit flummoxed that he didn't immediately ask. I'm very organise money wise normally so I can't understand the mindset of owing someone money you promised.
Hes a really nice bloke and we get on so well, I am worried that this is some red flags and I'm just ignoring them because of how nice he is in everything else. He's still in the UK and still seems keen in every other way.

I will send my details and report back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cassidyscircus · 27/10/2023 11:19

Definitely not throw away comment, we discussed it multiple times. I even asked if he was sure due to the amou t? And he said yes definitely, I really appreciate you coming etc etc

OP posts:
Emma0987 · 27/10/2023 11:19

If he didn't ask you to join him unlikely you would have decided to spend 900 on the flight to go see him in his absence. (Or maybe you would have but doesn't come across this way as you say alot of money). Send him your bank details as then it isn't a passing comment in conversation he can action the transfer as he has your details.

WiIIow · 27/10/2023 18:26

If you have a good job why do you need his money? Maybe he said it to see your reaction, hoping you'd say no don't be daft ill pay for myself...?

Original poster
Cassidyscircus · 27/10/2023 18:49

Bank details sent, he's said thank you and apologised for the delay and still.... nothing

When he asked me he pitched it as 'you can come out and visit me, we will go halves on your ticket as its much more equal, because you get a little holiday and I get to have your company'

Then he was sending me different flights/prices ranges etc by text. I said I'll get it booked and he said let's do it together so we can sort out money 🤔I then emailed him a copy of the receipt so he could split it.
So I really don't think I have misunderstood or been pushy.
If he doesn't have the money I would so rather he just say. When I texted him my details earlier I was nice and said, this is a little awkward for me but here is the out I paid for the flights. And here are my bank details.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cassidyscircus · 27/10/2023 18:50

I have a good job in that I don't struggle massively for money. But not that good that I'm not missing the 400 I thought he was sending me

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 18:53

Can take a few hours to clear? Wait a little.

I wouldn't be happy if he doesn't pay though. He said he would.

gerteddy · 27/10/2023 18:57

He's acknowledged u sending the details. Maybe he's too embarrassed to admit her can't pay it right now but then why not say. Some folk are very relaxed and maybe he's thinking I'll get to it.

I'd wait to Monday and then maybe say oh u cld transfer that money I need to pay off my credit card or something.

If he didn't pay it after that I'd really be thinking WTF I am not bringing it up again!

Riola · 27/10/2023 19:08

I disagree with pp about him having cold feet. It’s clear to me he is just trying to weasel out of paying but he’s still happy enough for you to come out. red flag - he isn’t coming across a man of his word.

Even if he had changed his mind it’s too late, he knew you were going to book and you went ahead with it. Most flights aren’t refundable and you bought this on the clear understanding that he would pay half.

@Cassidyscircus did you give him a deadline? If not, go back and say “sorry forgot to add, but could you please pay it by Monday as I need the money for bills. If you’re unable to pay by Monday, please let me know when you will be able to, so I can organise my finances”

WiIIow · 27/10/2023 19:13

You've only just sent the bank details so he couldn't have sent it before now. Assuming you've only sent the bank details within the last hour or so? Give him time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2023 19:13

I'm a bit shit with organisation and can be last minute. I am very keenly aware though if there's a money imbalance. I went travelling with a friend who earns a lot less than me and paid her back ASAP because I know her situation.

You probably need to be honest and talk about money. Many couples don't and get into trouble.

Riola · 27/10/2023 19:15

If you have a good job why do you need his money? Maybe he said it to see your reaction, hoping you'd say no don't be daft ill pay for myself...?

I was also wondering if he may have said it hoping she’d offer to pay the whole ticket, but either way it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, OP took him up on his offer and they agreed a 50/50 split. She booked her ticket in reliance of that promise.

So if he backs out now he’s taking the piss, and showing himself to be less than truthful. Whether she can afford to let it go or not its the principle of the thing really.

icelollycraving · 27/10/2023 19:20

Can you cancel? I think it may well be a good indicator that you’re in for an expensive trip.
6 months in & he’s going for 4 months. I’d just say call me when you’re back!

Crafthead · 29/10/2023 19:07

Maybe he feels embarrassed to ask. People are weird about money.
I'm very transparent I'll show anyone how I save & spend but my ex OH was totally disorganized, secretive, thought it was vulgar to talk about, avoided anything to do with finance He would leave bank statements unopened for years & generally bury his head in the sand.
Check you're on the same page, money isn't the root of all evil but the wrong expectations about it are the root of many a split.