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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL and drinking one

38 replies

Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 09:38

My MIL is currently over to stay with us. She lives in another country so when she visits it tends to be for 4 or 5 nights as she doesn't have a place in the UK anymore. I am stating to really resent this and need to know if I ABU before having a conversation with her about the future of these visits.
She has a history of bipolar which is relevant as had led to her being hospitalised a few times during manic episodes (last time probably 5 years ago). We've never had a close relationship and my DH isn't close to her either, probably because as a child she would drink too much and isn't the most caring person. However since we've had our own DC we want her to have a relationship with her GC so have had these visits from her probably 4 or 5 times per year.
She always turns up and offers to do childcare e.g. for school holidays, however in reality I think she likes the idea of this more than the actual event, I honestly think she likes showing off to her friends about what an involved grandparent she is.
On the last 2 occasions she has stayed I've noticed that she has been awake a lot at night and in and out of the bathroom (crashing the door which wakes me up!) I know I shouldn't have done it but after noticing a smell of alcohol in her room last time I looked in her bag and found empty bottles of gin and wine.
On this current stay I have been checking her bag and so far 2 x empty 70cl Gin bottles in 2 days! We live close to the shops and she will make an excuse to pop over there. I'm pretty sure she's not drinking in the day but will excuse herself in the evening to obviously drink alone.
She keeps offering more childcare and when can she visit again however I'm so annoyed with this whole situation and want to tell her I know what she's up to but should I?
She is actually watching the kids today but my DH is working from home so she isn't alone with them, and I don't want her to be until I know she isn't going to be drunk/hungover.
What should I do? Ideally I would want her to stay elsewhere and meet in a neutral location , no overnight stays but her living abroad makes this tricky and there's no chance of us going to her house as her husband is a whole other AIBU!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 09:43

Stop tiptoeing around the subject and confront her. She's never going to watch the children alone because she's an alcoholic, and her staying in your home is no longer possible.

I know you want your kids to have a good relationship with her, but sometimes that just can't happen.

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:05

How old are your kids, OP?

I don't think you can leave them with your MIL even if your husband is WFH.

This is an accident waiting to happen.

Original poster
Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:13

I know it is, it makes me so nervous, she's offered to babysit tonight so we can go out for a date night which I would love to do but can't trust her! I think I need to be upfront and tell her she can't visit and stay with us but this is effectively telling her she can't see her grandkids which won't go down well. I'm so angry that she thinks she's tricking us and getting away with it but I know exactly what she's up to! Even spraying strong perfume to try and hide the smell of alcohol which isn't working 🤢 the kids are young (under 7) so haven't noticed anything strange about her yet but they will one day ☹️

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:15

What does your husband think about it?

Original poster
Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:18

He's not close to her and I don't think he wants to cause drama or say anything. However he does know that I don't want her to stay again whilst she's like this, and he's just as annoyed about the situation as I am but just not a very confrontational person!

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:27

I think "annoyed" is an odd word to use here.

Your MIL is probably drinking herself to death and your children are not safe under her supervision.

If you go out tonight she could pass out on the sofa with her bottle of gin having lit a candle or left the hob on and your children could die in a house fire. There are any number of scenarios like that which could arise when an untrustworthy, intoxicated adult is left in charge of young children.

Honestly I think you and your husband need to tell it to her straight. "DM/DMIL, you have an alcohol problem. We have found your empty bottles. We know you buy booze when you go to the shops. We can smell the alcohol on you. So no, unfortunately we can't take advantage of your kind offer to babysit the children, and we're not sure whether it's a good idea to come and stay with us again unless you get some help and sort your life out. Would you consider rehab?"

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2023 10:27

I wouldn't leave the children alone with her but equally, I wouldn't be going through her bags. That's really not on. Why does she feel she has to hide alcohol from you?

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:28

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2023 10:27

I wouldn't leave the children alone with her but equally, I wouldn't be going through her bags. That's really not on. Why does she feel she has to hide alcohol from you?

Because that's what alcoholics do.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2023 10:30

You don’t have to do anything. Your husband does.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2023 10:31

@MargotBamborough Yes of course, I didn't word that very well, she clearly has an issue.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 27/10/2023 10:32

It’s not unreasonable to not want an alcoholic stay in your house for 4 or 5 days.

Say no next time and I would tell her why. I wouldn’t say it unkindly but I would be honest.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 27/10/2023 10:33

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2023 10:30

You don’t have to do anything. Your husband does.

No, but she can if she wants to. It’s her house and her children.

Original poster
Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:34

I know I shouldn't have looked in her bags but I wanted to prove that I wasn't imagining the smell of alcohol, you can't miss it, the whole room and landing smells!
I'm annoyed and angry because she's putting us in this situation and now I'm going to have to stop my kids seeing her, which I know she will hate. You are all right that my DH should be the one having the chat. We won't go out and let her babysit and will have to tackle this conversation instead

OP posts:
divinededacende · 27/10/2023 10:39

I had this situation with my mum before she died. We suspected and then flat out knew she was drinking because of very similar behaviours to your MIL. In the end, I went through her bag and found the bottles. You should absolutely confront her. She'll either admit to it and open up, be evasive and maintain denial or she'll try and turn it on you and make it about breach of trust, invasion of privacy etc (which you'll have to navigate but stand your ground). The fact is, sometimes you have to step over the line for the greater good and you have more at stake than I did, you also have your children's welfare to think about.

If it worsens the relationship then that's fair enough. Someone with mental health problems and addition issues should absolutely be supported without judgement but not at the expense of the immediate welfare of your family. Look after that first and then you can look at how/if you can support her in other ways - if you're even both willing to do that.

IdealisticCynic · 27/10/2023 10:46

While I understand that it’s less than ideal to have someone drinking secretly in your home, it doesn’t sound to me that the drinking itself is causing any direct problems. Obviously you cannot leave her in charge of the children, but that is not the same as not allowing her to stay at all.

My mil is a (very) high functioning alcoholic. She absolutely wouldn’t recognise that description of herself, but come 6pm she will drink at least 1 bottle of wine. This happens every single day. Only very occasionally is she noticeably drunk.

But she is also in her late 70s, not physically that well, and very lonely. We have talked about it and decided that ultimately, it is her choice if she drinks every evening, if that is what she wants to do. She may not have many years left, and while the drinking may shorten that time, it’s wholly her decision when she isn’t causing any direct harm to others. Stopping drinking would make her much, much sadder.

As such, we never let her look after our DC. But we let her spend plenty of time with DC, simply with one of us present. She occasionally offers to babysit while we go out, and we politely decline. Pretty sure my SIL does the same, though we have never discussed it.

My mil has a lovely relationship with her grandchildren. She plays with them and reads stories and chats to them etc. She loves them and they love her. We just never leave her in charge.

I guess what I am saying is that you do not have to stop your mil from visiting and developing a relationship with her grandchildren. You just have to not leave her alone with the kids. It is entirely up to you if you want to talk to her about the drinking, perhaps a gentle “we know you are drinking. We aren’t going to tell you to stop but we don’t want you to hide it as that’s causing us to worry more.” And then basically leave her to it.

I do know some will think that you must intervene, but she won’t stop simply because you ask her to. And in the end, it’s a matter of autonomy unless it’s actually affecting you and the family. And you can easily tell her she’s making too much noise slamming the doors at night - just don’t say you think it’s because she’s drunk.

Original poster
Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:47

divinededacende · 27/10/2023 10:39

I had this situation with my mum before she died. We suspected and then flat out knew she was drinking because of very similar behaviours to your MIL. In the end, I went through her bag and found the bottles. You should absolutely confront her. She'll either admit to it and open up, be evasive and maintain denial or she'll try and turn it on you and make it about breach of trust, invasion of privacy etc (which you'll have to navigate but stand your ground). The fact is, sometimes you have to step over the line for the greater good and you have more at stake than I did, you also have your children's welfare to think about.

If it worsens the relationship then that's fair enough. Someone with mental health problems and addition issues should absolutely be supported without judgement but not at the expense of the immediate welfare of your family. Look after that first and then you can look at how/if you can support her in other ways - if you're even both willing to do that.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum @divinededacende 😔 it's a horrible conversation to have but I don't think ignoring it will be the right thing to do as she'll just start messaging and trying to book the next visit in

OP posts:
Original poster
Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:47

divinededacende · 27/10/2023 10:39

I had this situation with my mum before she died. We suspected and then flat out knew she was drinking because of very similar behaviours to your MIL. In the end, I went through her bag and found the bottles. You should absolutely confront her. She'll either admit to it and open up, be evasive and maintain denial or she'll try and turn it on you and make it about breach of trust, invasion of privacy etc (which you'll have to navigate but stand your ground). The fact is, sometimes you have to step over the line for the greater good and you have more at stake than I did, you also have your children's welfare to think about.

If it worsens the relationship then that's fair enough. Someone with mental health problems and addition issues should absolutely be supported without judgement but not at the expense of the immediate welfare of your family. Look after that first and then you can look at how/if you can support her in other ways - if you're even both willing to do that.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum @divinededacende 😔 it's a horrible conversation to have but I don't think ignoring it will be the right thing to do as she'll just start messaging and trying to book the next visit in

OP posts:
ForgotTheBiscuits · 27/10/2023 10:57

Look into what support is available and be ready to offer this, there’s also an organisation for adult children of alcoholics which may be helpful for your husband. Not an easy situation but I think you’re right to follow your instincts to decline the babysitting offer.

divinededacende · 27/10/2023 11:07

Polarbear9 · 27/10/2023 10:47

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum @divinededacende 😔 it's a horrible conversation to have but I don't think ignoring it will be the right thing to do as she'll just start messaging and trying to book the next visit in

Show quote history

Thank you. It's never an easy conversation but you're right, the potential cost of avoiding it is worse.

@IdealisticCynic makes a good point. For certain people at a certain stage, it can do more harm than good to expect someone to stop and, in those times, it's about making the person feel safe and able to live openly with no judgement. Assuming that can be done. My elderly Nanna is still alive but her health has taken a downturn. She drinks red wine to what you would probably (medically anyway) call alcoholic levels but her choice is, why stop one of her pleasures just to squeeze an extra year or two out of an already long life when that time will be spent in extremely ill health with limited choices. Absolutely fair enough, have another wine, treat yourself. Also, I'm not going to pry the booze out of an Irish Catholic Nanna's hand, I'm not that brave 🤣.

On the other hand, people caught in addictions, especially when it's being fed by mental health issues aren't always making a conscious choice so I suppose it's about how to you get to the stage when you're comfortable making that call? A conversation needs to be had. That's a good idea to try something along the lines of “we know you are drinking. We aren’t going to tell you to stop but we don’t want you to hide it as that’s causing us to worry more" to see where it leads. Ultimately OP will will want the conversation to include the fact that there are issues around the children that need to be considered but it's a good way to at least open things up and see what MIL's reaction is.

It's not an easy situation. I hope it goes well OP.

olderbutwiser · 27/10/2023 11:11

Why do you want your children to have a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic?

KingsleyBorder · 27/10/2023 11:29

Would you say that about a person who had another illness like cancer or dementia, or a mental health condition @olderbutwiser?
It’s possible for the children to have a relationship without being put at risk. It’s about managing the risks rather than isolating the person completely.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 11:32

She’s an alcoholic, and as others said, this is a conversation your husband has to have with her, preferably alone. Anything else will be too confrontational and difficult for her. I’m sorry but it’s not your place, your husband needs to deal with this. If he’s too much of a wet lettuce to protect his own kids, then yes you do it, but hopefully that’s not the case.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 11:33

KingsleyBorder · 27/10/2023 11:29

Would you say that about a person who had another illness like cancer or dementia, or a mental health condition @olderbutwiser?
It’s possible for the children to have a relationship without being put at risk. It’s about managing the risks rather than isolating the person completely.

Edited

I’m not really aligned with this, as it indicates a lack of personal responsibility for the addict.

Lavenderosa · 27/10/2023 11:33

Your husband needs to step up and tell her you can both smell alcohol coming from her room so she's not capable of looking after the children. Why can't he just do that?

KingsleyBorder · 27/10/2023 12:11

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 11:33

I’m not really aligned with this, as it indicates a lack of personal responsibility for the addict.

Show quote history

No, it indicates empathy and compassion rather than punishment.

My mother was a functioning alcoholic in the years before her death. The reasons were complex, including a sudden and tragic bereavement that she coped with by drinking. I would not have let her look after my children alone but why on earth would I have cut her off from our family? That is beyond cruel.