MiL fury, well actually I don't think I am!!!

[peacelily]

I know there's loads of moaning about MiLs on here and it's hardly novel but I have to get this off my chest. Makes me sound like a right precious cow but I don't know if I give a s@@t right now TBH.

Afternoon spent with dhs inbred family, his Grandads 85th Birthday (actually he's the only ok one out of the lot of them)

MiL.....
Gives Fruitshoot to dd when she knows that we only give her water and sometimes apple/orange juice, yes I know it's precious but I'm her Mum and it's my decision. dd is 18m have to trick the offending drink from her and put up with her looking for it all pm and refusing her water!!!!!

Then.. tells me I "should" be starting potty training by now as she's telling us 2 seconds before when she wants a wee or a poo, she knows I'm going to give it a go when we get back from holidays in 3 weeks time but has to make a little jibe....

Shrieks "oi mummy she needs a nappy change she's done a poo here" whilst we're all singing happy birthday to Grandad and he's blowing out his candles.....I did reply that maybe she or either of her 2 sons could manage this.

Head about to explode, nearly crying when left....

dhs grandad actually took his hearing aids out so he didn't have to listen to "all the wittering" (between MiL and dhs Auntie) PMSL

Just remembered a tip of my mum's, let mil win small things e.g. "oh dear, I'm not sure whether it's too warm for her coat, what do you think" - choose something where you can do what she wants, obv. And praise anything she does well e.g. "DD really likes that food you made" etc.

Sounds like she made herself look ridiculous during the happy birthday singing, not you! I don't think that's worth crying over. And tbh if getting hold of one fruitshoot at a family party is the worst that can happen then yes, you are being precious. Going too far the other way and making a fruitshoot seem like the work of the devil will make her more determined to get hold of them when she's a bit older.

she sounds just like my mil, skin like a rhino's! subtlety, tact, politeness etc don't come into it.

I can understand that you are upset but believe me there are far worse MIL.
Mine refused to acknowledge my son at all before she died, tried to get me sacked from my job and worse.

She may be annoying but she is creating a lot of memories for your DD

I could tell all sorts of stories re my MIL - involving for example dd and almond cake (at 10 months) huge sewing scissors (15 mths) and church candles lit around the floor (22 mths)- oh and constant comments,from calling dd 'my baby' as a newborn (WTF?), to all the 'well dh never had xxx / I never did xxx' and of course all the choc cake attempts...
BUT - she is dd's grandmother, and I need to preserve that relationship. I try and rise above all the irritations and pretend not to hear, be pragmatic rather than precious (eg she won't put a stairgate up - but dd is very good on their stairs and frankly very unlikely to fall all the way down and kill herself) and then if a serious issue comes up (ie naked flames at toddler level!)I tackle it with DH - she listens more to him.
I try and keep in mind her issues - DH is her PFB, she had 3 boys and so dd is a bit like the girl she always craved, and she's very jealous of my mum who lives round the corner from us and gets to do our childcare.
HTH.

i think YABU, she sounds a pretty typical grandmother and I'd be careful about what you ay about her in the car home. once DD is old enough she may repeat some of this stuff back to MIL or have her opinion clouded by your's, which is unfair for MIL and DD.

my MIL is as mad as a box of frogs and thankfully lives on the other side of the world. she has never seen DS or ever acknowledge his existance. we're all pretty much estranged, by DH's choice.

i think grandparent giving advice to new mum is different from one younger generation mum to another. my mum taught me lots of really old tricks that would've taken me ages to work out on my own. fair enough there were also some ones i disagreed with, but politely ignored them. she probably thinks she's doing you a favour.

soopermum you're right about talking about her in front of dd and I'll stop doing this. It's not fair to let my opinion colour dds she loves her granny and vice versa.

With the "advice" thing she WASN'T doing me a favour she was having a dig, as she does a lot. I've been around long enough to know the difference. And although I may ask my Mums generation for advice on some issues there are some such as potty training where practices have changed due to new research and developments in the area. In the 50 and 60s most children were potty trained by 18m, this has now been shown to be potentially harmful. When to wean is another area where practice has changed. I'd rather seek advice from other Mums of young children, HVs and other clinicians for SOME parenting issues than my parents/inlaws as things have moved on.

I've not doubt if dd has children the situation will be replicated.

There have been times when my (otherwise much loved) mother has got on my own and dh's nerves re childrearing. More rarely, my ILs have had the same effect on me.

But then I remember how as a child I hated the fact that my Mum couldn't get on with her MIL (my grandmother), because she could never overlook any grandmotherly unsubtleties. And I just don't think it's worth it, upsetting my children like I was upset. I'd rather remember that I'm grown-up and try to develop a sense of humour. And giggling with dh over things that rile us is a lifesaver. As is remembering all the genuinely good things we get from grandparents.

Hi Peacelily you are being a bit of both. It is irritating but most of it you need to just let it go and remind yourself what you love and respect about her rather than collecting more evidence and testimonials from friends of why she is an irritating moo.

My mum helps with my childcare MIL lives in Ireland. When I told her we may try for another baby she replied 'does your mum know she has to bring up another baby?' and when she came with SIL once they berated me in front of my 14 year old niece and a visiting friend saying the house was a mess and I needed to get more organised. Thanks! My crime was I was in the shower when they arrived, hadnt cleaned the breakfast things and my dressing gown had a coffee spill on it further evidence of my slovenly ways.
These things really hurt but other than that she annoyed me with shoving chocolate down DC, asking DH to wake me when he was 9 days old so she could tell me she was embarrassed I hadnt sent thank you cards to her work friends yet who sent over a present, tutting at me breastfeeding past three months old (she wanted to have him for the night and thought I was being selfish that DH and I couldn't go out) and for sitting in the room feeding with the men around...no shame!

However, what i do is remind myself of all the lovely things she does, send clothes, has him as her screensaver, buy him organic chocolate to shovel down him all day long because she knows I like that type of thing LOL, paid for me to have my haircut to cheer me up when it was all weak after having baby, made a DVD set to music of all the photos from his first year, called my husband a week before mothers day to suggest DC did me a drawing...

Sometimes as well the 'woman' role annoys me like you say, being summoned to change the nappy when DH is stood there and I'm cooking or whatever, or expected to do all DH's family birthday cards and the thank you cards, or being judged as 'unclean' or criticised about potty training, but for all the above good stuff and loving my DC she still deserves my respect and tongue biting.

I would quit the car journey stuff with your DH contempt breeds contempt.

Remind yourself of what is nice and let the rest go with an out breath it really isn't important except that it makes you miserable in their company. Re: Froot Shoot it is irritating but just forget about it you are working yourself up making it about not being respected, but just keep bringing up your child well and the respect will be there.

i agree also that if you let her find her niche and praise her in front of others it will be returned to you. EG to the aunty say 'well of course we are so grateful that granny will take the time to come and stay with us so we can get a break. DC gets so excited when we tell her she's coming!'

Good point Cory. My dad really didnt get on with my maternal grandmother, and it really had a negative effect when we went to visit. As a young child, you just want (and expect) all your relatives to get on. I know as you grow up, you inevitably become aware of frictions, but I think it pays to try to keep those early years trouble free. I have a vivid memory of my dad losing his temper and shouting at my grandmother because of her interfering niggles and it was really upsetting.

peacelily - would it be too trite to ask why dont you post 5 things she does/you like about her that are nice.
Maybe that will help?
Also, I agree an hour there and back every week is a lot! Just break that habit and go once a month and at other times suggest to meet elsewhere eg your local national trust property for a walk and hot drink or something it must be so tedious sitting there each week when they all get on your nerves! (I know been there myself...and that's my own dear clan, all 5 brothers partners children and alcoholic father...stop doing it to yourself!)

I've tried to cut down the amount of times she comes here/we go there. We both work very hard, we don't have much time together as a family and she insists on coming over once a week. One of the reasons we go there sometimes is so we can go and leave in an afternoon and have our own timetable. If she comes over here I never know when she's leaving.

TBH I can't explain why I feel so antagonised by her, it's not like me to slate someone like this I'm a stick up for the underdog kind of person. But I come in from work (I'm a therapist in CAMHS) after talking to really difficult families all day and she's there. On my sofa, in my space and I feel like screaming and whn she's there I don't get a minute with dd.

I think what I find frustrating is her total lack of independence, she's very reliant on dh/BiL whereas my parents are very independent and have made provisions for their future and are really busy with a range of hobbies and interests. Her belief is that dh and BiL "owe" it to her to look after her and sort her out.

I beleive children are a gift, you have them and bring them up to set them free and NEVER expect them to "pay you back". If my parents became ill I'd go my sister and I would go out of our way to look after them. But there's never been any expectation that we should do thiis.

She gave your dd a FRUIT SHOOT!!! What a monster!

Ok - YABU considering the circs as outlined but YANBU to feel a bit smothered. Family time is so precious - but you need to find a way through for you all - including mil.

Actually peacelily I completely sympathise with you. My MIL is a sweet little old lady who wouldn't hurt a fly but somehow she is always in the middle of chaos and badfeeling, and sits there totally innocently with none of it touching her - but if you get to the bottom of it, she's caused it all. She will undermine and be totally uncooperative in the most innocent way, make comments that no one could really take exception to; she's only trying to help after all. She made my life a misery, my husband and I nearly divorced, I went through a period of seriously contemplating suicide except that there was no way I was going to leave my dd to her sweet mercy. She is an evil bitch and I am extraordinarily happy that we now live 150 miles away from her instead of 10 mins drive. But for 4 years there was nothing I could really put my finger on, except if I asked her not to give dd fruit shoots, she would always buy them specially, if I asked her not to give her egg it would be "Oh I've got some eggs in specially for her" etc etc etc. It was all nothing really, and I had always been such a reasonable, patient person before. No solution I'm afraid, but I would have moved to the moon to get away from her.

Just incidentally, my dh and his sister no longer speak, haven't for 2 years and probably won't ever again. MIL is terribly upset about it and uses it for sympathy from all her friends and acquaintances including me (not to mention guilt tripping dh), but if they dug a bit, they would find out that it is a situation entirely engineered by her; just like I discovered that her 2nd husband's grown up daughter was so rude to her that she can't go round there any more, which again was a situation of her own making. "It's such a shame that she's such a horrid girl, it makes in so hard for (2nd husband)". Actually, MIL, you were completely out of order and should be on your knees apologising. It goes on. Scratch the surface of her 'sorrows' and she's right there in the middle making them.

Sorry, had a bit of a rant.

No, peacelily and barnstaple, YANBU. These little things can really get to after you after a while especially if it's constant.

Just take the fruitshoot off your DD and say loudly to MIL, "I said, "No thank you," as if talking to a child. It doesn't sound like she'd respond to diplomacy.

It's obviously not just the issue of the fruitshoot, is it? I'm amazed at the other posters who focus on the item and not the issue of deliberately undermining the mother.

With people who seem to take some weird pleasure in undermining parents choices, you need to stand up to them very firmly and don't take any crap. What are you going to do - let her do exactly what she wants with your kid because you don't say anything?

Believe me, bullies like this are the worst because they seem kind and well meaning but they are spiteful and mean and just need standing up to. You don't have to be rude - just firm and strong. You're the mum. You decide.

good point, cory. my mum hated my gran and it did cloud my opinion of my gran and i never really got that close to her. believe me, she had her faults, and once bought my mum a pair of tights for her birthday, which my mum ranted about for ages, but i would have rather made up my own mind about her. we got a little closer as i got older.

YANBU and i do think that some of the replies have been a little harsh.

My mil annoys the heck out of me at times and i often leave her house feeling irritated.

I am the same regarding the fruit shoot thing, to me, its not about the drink itself, its the fact that as the childs mother, you have been totally undermined. You are the parent and says should go.

With her shouting out about dd's nappy needing changing, i think the OP was making the point of could she had waited maybe 1 or 2 minutes until the happy birthday singing was over??

I know its hard but just try to take it with a pinch of salt.

ItsGrimUpNorth - i can't agree more. Well said.

My MIL ONCE said to me "You're so lucky that my son does so much around the house."

My answer " Yes, cos he'd be out on his a**e if he didn't."

Oddly enough, that was the last time she mentioned it.