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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL fury, well actually I don't think I am!!!

70 replies

peacelily · 09/03/2008 19:58

I know there's loads of moaning about MiLs on here and it's hardly novel but I have to get this off my chest. Makes me sound like a right precious cow but I don't know if I give a s@@t right now TBH.

Afternoon spent with dhs inbred family, his Grandads 85th Birthday (actually he's the only ok one out of the lot of them)

MiL.....
Gives Fruitshoot to dd when she knows that we only give her water and sometimes apple/orange juice, yes I know it's precious but I'm her Mum and it's my decision. dd is 18m have to trick the offending drink from her and put up with her looking for it all pm and refusing her water!!!!!

Then.. tells me I "should" be starting potty training by now as she's telling us 2 seconds before when she wants a wee or a poo, she knows I'm going to give it a go when we get back from holidays in 3 weeks time but has to make a little jibe....

Shrieks "oi mummy she needs a nappy change she's done a poo here" whilst we're all singing happy birthday to Grandad and he's blowing out his candles.....I did reply that maybe she or either of her 2 sons could manage this.

Head about to explode, nearly crying when left....

OP posts:
B1977 · 09/03/2008 20:24

Oh I see it now. Best of luck peacelily, it doesn't sound that awful but it can be a bit much when you're a bit stressed and tired, hope your next visit goes better. I love my mum but she does come out with some similar comments sometimes, must be a question of tone.

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:27

Yes inbred was because I was nagry and not pleasant, maybe I should have said, ill mannered, small minded, uninformed and yes, immature and sometimes rude.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 09/03/2008 20:31

ok, MIL bought the DCs some nestle cakes. i boycott nestle, igave them to the children, but explained i would prefer it if she could avoid buying them nestle products, and why. last week,she bought them non nestle stuff. no need to fall out, if something is importnat enough to cry about or post on here, then say something!

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:36

there are lawys niggles usually me and dh have a good chuckle about them in the car on the way home but her constant hounding of dd is beginning to get to me, dd was quite happily playing with a doll, taking her clothes off, putting them on putting her in the buggy arranging her blanket etc etc you know the score and MiL was just bearing down on her, I even said politely

"when she's playing with the buggy and the dolls she really just likes to be left to it you know" but this fell on deaf eras. This is just one little example of the way she's so territorial with her.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 09/03/2008 20:39

How often do you see her

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:39

this makes it sound trivial as if I'm just picking but honestly I've thought long and hard about this and several of my reasonable and fair minded friends have aknowledged that she's hard work and they can see why I get upset.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 09/03/2008 20:40

you need to see her less - let your DH go with your DD and spend time together

she clearly rubs you up the wrong way

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:41

Once a weekish,we want dd to have contact with her gps so they see her once a week. Yes we are lucky to have gps that want to be involved I aknowledge that but sometimes that involvement can cause problems.

We don't ask her to come she offers and I do want dd to see her gps because mine were rubbish

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 09/03/2008 20:43

well make yourself scarce when she is around - go shopping, do chores and let them be togther - much better for your blood pressure!

B1977 · 09/03/2008 20:43

Oh another thing if it is just niggles I find it really helps to remember that this person is a member of your child's family and your child will be likely to grow up loving them, and it is worth protecting and nurturing that relationship even if it is a bit alien / annoying to you. If you and DH both died in a car crash who would love and support your DD? I have some family / in-laws I need to remind myself of this about every now and again!

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:43

Rubyslippers part of the prob is I work and on my days off at the weekend I like us to spend time together as a family, I don't see enough of dd as it is and if dh took her over to MiL I'd see her even less so I go too and try to stay calm

OP posts:
B1977 · 09/03/2008 20:45

X-posts a bit there but it still helps. When your DD is older she will probably learn to manage ger grandmother!

mrsruffallo · 09/03/2008 20:46

Once a week is a lot if you work all week.
I think you need to cut back, and have her over to baby sit instead sometimes

RubySlippers · 09/03/2008 20:47

can you tell MIL to come every other weekend or you see her every other weekend?

or, just let he have the odd fruitshoot

DS was STUFFED full of biscuits by his great grandparents at the weekend - the rest othe time he eats very well so it doesn't matter for the odd time IMO

lackaDAISYcal · 09/03/2008 20:52

she sounds just like my MIL who likes to make lits of snide comments to me (about the way I raise my children, keep my house, look after her PFB), but is always sweetness and light whenever DH is around. And she is always in the DCs faces, even when it's obvious they have had enough.

I try to rise above it, as I suspect you do most of the time, but you can't help it getting to you sometimes, eh?

So from my POV, not being unreasonable at all.

Grit your teeth, smile nicely and curse her under your breath. Not very mature, but it works a treat in making me feel better.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/03/2008 20:54

I CAN sympathise.. a bit!! I get on ok with my MIL- she is not really on my wavelength at all, but she isn't nasty and although she sometimes says things that make me go HUH? I know it's just her way. But loads of my friends will rant on to me about their MILs, and it doesn't sound like anything major to me- just seems like MILs manage to wind their DILs up for some reason!! I usually just nod and sympathise, but deep down i DO sometimes think they are being a bit unreasonable, from the outside, but I don't know the ins and outs of the relationship!!

Its the same here! TBH, it doesn't sound like major offences (I have heard of some truly nasty MILs!!), although I appreciate little things can be just as annoying! How does she get on with your DH?? This seems to be the crux of the great MIL intolerance!! My DH can't really be bothered with his mum, and she isn't all that close to him- doesn't even send him a card on his birthday! So she is a fairly neutral player and I have a relationship with her that is distinct from her relationship with DH and the kids. My MIL gives the kids things I don't approve of all the time, but we see her fairly infrequently so I button it and allow the kids to enjoy a "treat"! On the other hand, we see my dad every day, so I would tell him if there were things I didn't want them to have. My MIL makes me laugh as she tries to "hint" that maybe I could do things another way! With each baby I have had to endure the "couldn't she/ he just have a wee chocolate pudding??" as soon as they reach 4mths, and to hear that "you wouldn't think they could get everything they need from breast milk, would you?!" No, I agree with a smile. Isn't it amazing!! Now when she mentions chocolate puddings, it has become such an in-joke with DH and I we can't look at each other. (Bit like the fact that every time, every time!, she phones she asks what we have had for dinner! As soon as whoever answered starts describing the dinner, the other one falls about laughing!! Maybe you and DH could get together to see the funny side of the wee niggly things?? Makes life easier!

And 3 kids later, my MIL has NEVER changed a nappy. And she will babysit, but only once they are asleep, and if they wake up she phones us. I accept that that is her limit- no point getting annoyed about it, grandparents DO just want the nice bits! I do praise Dh's efforts in front of his mum/ family, because he does help a lot, but also because I know it pleases them to think he is a good dad- bit of flattery doesn't hurt, i don't think!! I would have smiled, and said, "yes, and I bet DH wants to change that nappy- he is SOO good like that!"

Don't get me wrong- I don't know your MIL, and she might be the anti-christ for all I know!! But I remember there being little love lost between my mum and my dad's mum, and it affected my relationship with my gran, because I didn't want to be "disloyal" to my mum. My mum sadly died while I was pregnant with dd1, so my kids only have 1 granny, so maybe that's why I feel it is important that they have a good relationship with her, unfettered by my feelings about her. If it really winds you up badly, maybe next time DH could attend on his own, and you could make your excuses, and enjoy a day of freedom?

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 20:57

TBh she does get biscuits etc. when she's with her gps, I'm not actually bothered but giving her squash when she had a drink of water when I was there I just felt it was a bit much. I'm not so bothered about biscuits and cakes, flapjacks and stuff but with drinks I would prefer her to not have squash or fizzy stuff, I never did and it's my "thing" I suppose. Rightly or wrongly I think that should be respected.

she does babysit sometimes which is great but she can't drive and lives an hour away so she has to stay and refuses to sleep in our converted loft, so sleeps downstairs and just hangs around the next day for ages so a 3 hour night out literally turns into a 24 hour visit!!

OP posts:
hercules1 · 09/03/2008 20:59

She sounds lovely. I'm not being sarcastic either. I am dreading being a mil especially when I read threads like this. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

nkf · 09/03/2008 21:02

What on earth are you moaning about? That is entry level MIL behaviour.

totalmisfit · 09/03/2008 21:04

well she doesn't seem very helpful as mils go. for starters why was she yelling at you to changer her nappy? she's her grandmother, she should be offering to do it for you! i know where you're coming from it's the bossiness that really grates isn't it? and not giving a toss about your rules. my mil is similar.

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 21:06

I didn't get so riled by her before dd I just thought she was a bit of an eccentric and have a chuckle, dh and BiL agree she's too much with dd and the constant negativity and complaining gets everyone down but we don't want to hurt her feelings.

They love their Mum but find the pressure she puts them under hard work.

OP posts:
fedup1981 · 09/03/2008 21:08

Sounds like the op just wanted to let off some steam, lets overlook hastily chosen words, we've all said worse when we're upset! No-one's perfect.

Fwiw op, she sounds like she's vying for top dog status with you because she's envious of the relationship you have with your dd who she obviously adores. She may not even be doing most of it consciously, she just wants to have more of a say, it must be really annoying for you, but try not to let her get you so wound up. Turn a blind eye to what you can (unless she sees your dd several times a week, in which case she should be following your rules)

My mil does things like texting me not dp to say "it's so-and-so's birthday, you need to send their card by such-a-date and if you need gift inspiration, they'll have money"

Original poster
peacelily · 09/03/2008 21:09

The nappy thing was so embarrassing. me dh Grandad, cousins, great auntie were all gathered round to sing happy birthday whilst he blew out his candles and all you could here was "oi oi love mummy she's pooing, come ere look at this she needs a nappy" really really loudly. I was like "we're actually just trying to sing happy birthday for grandad it's his day. I'll be there in a sec" but no she carried on!

OP posts:
bozza · 09/03/2008 21:11

I think if it is dirty nappies then you shouldn't expect her to change them if you are there (all well and good if she offers but doesn't sound like she does) but assume that she will be capable of doing it herself if she is looking after DD for you. My MIL would almost race to change nappies when DS (first grandchild) was born, but my Mum never offered ever if I was there, but I am sure she did, because when she looked after DS he was always returned clean and dry.

And obviously it is a no-brainer not to potty train a young child (18 months young for potty training) just before you go on holiday.

bozza · 09/03/2008 21:12

Sounds like she could do with a few more grandchildren to calm her down a bit and spread the love...