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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want nothing to do with this?

39 replies

PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 26/10/2023 21:37

I have had basically no contact with the in-laws for over a year. DS hasn't seen them since he was 9 months old. They show very little interest in him.

DH has had sporadic contact in the form of text messages, and a few times has said he'll go and see them but doesn't actually go. I haven't stopped him from going, but I haven't encouraged him either.

The why is a really long story but essentially boils down to the fact that MIL is really overbearing and controlling. I coped with it (despite MN telling me not to!) until we met last year and MIL said she wanted to clear the air; and then went on a rant about how she felt she'd lost her son now he had a baby, they didn't like his name, they felt offended they hadn't been invited around every day, etc. DH defended himself, I was very quiet, his Dad started shouting, and it ended in a 20-minute rant in which his mum stormed out, the staff came to make sure we were okay, and our baby was baffled and then upset. They followed up a couple of days later to threaten to cut DH out of their will, like they have his half-siblings.

They've been pushing for DH to see them for a while; no such invite for me or DS. They turned up out of the blue a couple of months ago, and when DH didn't immediately invite them in, got a bit shouty until the neighbours intervened. A couple of weeks ago they invited DH for a Sunday dinner, which he didn't go to, and his Dad sent him a lengthy voicemail about how disappointed they are, etc.

They've messaged today to say that they miss him, and they'd like to meet to talk about power of attorney. They've suggested a meeting time, in their usual very formal way.

DH is ignoring it, but if he decides to go, he'll ask me to go with him. He doesn't want to go alone, he says we're a team. I feel like they've been a really toxic influence on my life, and I don't want to expose DS to that right now. I'll re-evaluate if and when they show any ability to be decent people around him.

AIBU to enable him to go, but then just leave him to it?

OP posts:
BuddyBuddyBumBum · 26/10/2023 21:42

I think your DH is asking for your support here and it would be pretty shitty if you didn’t go with him. This situation must be quite upsetting for him and he’s right, you’re meant to be a team.

Edited to add: but don’t take DS with you.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 26/10/2023 21:42

It sounds as if they do care and would like a closer relationship, but are going about it the wrong way. He is their child, after all.
We both have a difficult relationship with DH's parents. I've encouraged him to phone them once a week or so to maintain the relationship, which seems to work well. Luckily we live a long way away and they understand that it's difficult for us to visit.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 26/10/2023 21:43

I don't think you need to go.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/10/2023 21:49

I wouldn’t want to go either. However if your DH feels he needs support, I probably would go for his sake.

FixItUpChappie · 26/10/2023 21:51

I think your DH is asking for your support here and it would be pretty shitty if you didn’t go with him. This situation must be quite upsetting for him and he’s right, you’re meant to be a team.

^^This exactly. I don't know why you think it would be more about you than your husband tbh

reallyworriedjobhunter · 26/10/2023 21:52

I would go to support him but as you have done already, not participating in the conversation. Just be there to support him.

If I were him though, I would not be agreeing to POA.

Ibravedaflood · 26/10/2023 21:53

I would def go as a united front. Leave dc with a friend though... They are trying to lure you there with the promise of cash when they die.. Your dc doesn't need to listen to the drama. Nor should they get to see him imo.

Grapewrath · 26/10/2023 21:55

They sound very manipulative
Your DH is a grown man and able to make the decision to go or not- he needs to take you out of the equation when he makes that choice.
You don’t need to abandon yourself here.

PixieLaLar · 26/10/2023 21:56

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 26/10/2023 21:42

I think your DH is asking for your support here and it would be pretty shitty if you didn’t go with him. This situation must be quite upsetting for him and he’s right, you’re meant to be a team.

Edited to add: but don’t take DS with you.

Edited

This!

FrenchieF · 26/10/2023 22:13

I think it’s up to him to go, I wouldn’t involve myself yet. It’s his parent he needs to make the decision himself.

Original poster
PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 26/10/2023 22:45

They won’t allow me to sit and be there as support. His mum will blame anything he says that she doesn’t like on me. He knows this; so whenever he’s gone to talk to them previously about strange things, like them kicking off about our wedding venue, he hasn’t taken me.

We’d struggle to find someone who could have DS for half a day quickly; but it’s doable with notice, theoretically.

But to be clear, DH is ignoring it, so far. He hasn’t asked me to go or mentioned it at all. I’m just expecting that he will; unless he decides to continue ignoring it.

It sounds as if they do care and would like a closer relationship, but are going about it the wrong way.

With him, absolutely. Not with me & DS. I posted about them once with lots of details and it turned into an 11+ page thread which unanimously said to stop contact with them. I wish I’d listened then!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 26/10/2023 23:06

How old are they? It sounds as though they are too young to be worrying about power-of-attorney, and I wonder whether they are using that as a way back in.

ToadOnTheHill · 26/10/2023 23:11

I'd go if DH asks but I'd

ask him exactly what he wants from the meeting

Determine what your personal red lines are e.g. raised voices means you walk

Stipulate you'll only go to a public place

Btw, its patently obvious the dynamic is that they think money buys power and your husband dances to that tune to even consider going.

junbean · 27/10/2023 01:58

I would never willingly put myself into a situation like that or encourage anyone else to. Is this about the inheritance? It's not worth it.

Original poster
PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 27/10/2023 04:29

No idea if it’s about the inheritance. He’s not usually money motivated, and it’s not something we’ve discussed. Generally his parents are in good health. They summoned us during Covid and said his mum was dizzy and struggling with the stairs but when we got there, she said she was fine and just missed him. His dad had a health scare six years ago but is fine now; as far as I know, and to be honest he was more concerned that DH invited his half-siblings to the hospital to say goodbye and DH’s mum found that uncomfortable than anything else, then.

I got so poorly with all the stress two years ago that my hair started falling out and I have massive regrets that I allowed their behaviour to impact on our early baby days so much, alongside everything else, like our wedding. It’s such a prominent part of some of our major memories… I have no faith that they can be any different, so I’m really nervous about reopening that wound for any of us.

That said, I feel horrible that DS doesn’t have grandparents, and the idea of not talking to him in a year makes me feel sick, so I also feel I should encourage DH to go. I’m forever absolutely torn.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 27/10/2023 05:14

If I were you I would stay as far away from them as possible as they have made you so stressed and seem intent on ruining things for you in the past and if your husband wants to go or not it is up to him. They seem unhinged and shouting in public in a cafe and outside your front door is unacceptable. If I were you just stay away from them and think of yourself and your own little family as no money is worth this horrible behavior. They sound crazy and they should have welcomed you into their lives and gained a daughter in law and a grandchild instead of saying they lost a son. Very selfish of them. Do not let them live in your thoughts and maybe if your son wrote a letter explaining that they have to accept his wife and child and make them welcome for things to move forward. Stop worrying as they are not worth it.

ToadOnTheHill · 27/10/2023 07:44

I get that you feel bad DS doesnt have good grandparents but thays just the way it is. Toxic people arent better than nothing. Unfortunately he has the family he has and nothing changes that.

Donotshushme · 27/10/2023 07:45

Sounds like it really is time for dh to go completely NC. They're demanding meetings in order to keep him under the thumb and continue to force him to dance to their tune.

We went through this with FIL about 6 years ago. They're never going to change, so your dh needs to drop the rope and stop playing their stupid games. He will probably need time to grieve that he's never had the relationship with his parents that he deserved. When we cut contact with FIL, it was almost as if he had died but with the added complication that he wasn't dead, just an utterly shit person.

My dc have coped perfectly well without his toxic influence as a grandad.

daisychain01 · 27/10/2023 07:55

I wouldn't put yourself in the firing line by going to any meeting they've summoned you to. You aren't a child they can order about. Sorry but your DH needs to grow a pair, if he can't face going to his parents without you, that's ridiculous and far too much drama.

they've cut him out of their will, OK fine. Their choice. Move on. If they expect him to bow and scrape to get back in their good books, he's got to decide if he's going to lower himself to their level. If it was me, I'd get on with life and not waste any more time or emotion on them.

sungsam60 · 27/10/2023 08:04

I'm guessing that if your dh replies to their message saying he will come and that you are coming too, they will cancel (after they've kicked up a fuss obviously).

Rinkymcdinky · 27/10/2023 08:08

I wouldn’t go anywhere near them. Willingly go and talk to people who routinely shout at you and use emotional manipulation? I don’t bloody think so.

W0tnow · 27/10/2023 08:15

He could suggest a video call? That way he can just hang up if he needs to?

TeaGinandFags · 27/10/2023 08:24

They're playing the death card and dh is going for the final showdown. As he said, you're a team so just one more time and it'll be over. I'd record the fireworks on the phone.

Leave ds overnight with a trusted friend and have something nice waiting for you both for afterwards.

Mummy08m · 27/10/2023 08:30

I have a truly awful dad and I'm now no-contact and never regretted it.

However I did vote yabu because my dh and I are a team, and were one even before we were married, and he was there when I needed him when I saw my dad.

Stop encouraging your dh to see his awful parents. But if he really wants/needs you to go with him, I'd go.

Mummy08m · 27/10/2023 08:31

They're playing the death card and dh is going for the final showdown. As he said, you're a team so just one more time and it'll be over

I definitely see this logic but it won't be final, will it, it'll drag on and on with more meetings and correspondence and demands and recriminations. Sod that, imo