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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just want nothing to do with this?

39 replies

PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 26/10/2023 21:37

I have had basically no contact with the in-laws for over a year. DS hasn't seen them since he was 9 months old. They show very little interest in him.

DH has had sporadic contact in the form of text messages, and a few times has said he'll go and see them but doesn't actually go. I haven't stopped him from going, but I haven't encouraged him either.

The why is a really long story but essentially boils down to the fact that MIL is really overbearing and controlling. I coped with it (despite MN telling me not to!) until we met last year and MIL said she wanted to clear the air; and then went on a rant about how she felt she'd lost her son now he had a baby, they didn't like his name, they felt offended they hadn't been invited around every day, etc. DH defended himself, I was very quiet, his Dad started shouting, and it ended in a 20-minute rant in which his mum stormed out, the staff came to make sure we were okay, and our baby was baffled and then upset. They followed up a couple of days later to threaten to cut DH out of their will, like they have his half-siblings.

They've been pushing for DH to see them for a while; no such invite for me or DS. They turned up out of the blue a couple of months ago, and when DH didn't immediately invite them in, got a bit shouty until the neighbours intervened. A couple of weeks ago they invited DH for a Sunday dinner, which he didn't go to, and his Dad sent him a lengthy voicemail about how disappointed they are, etc.

They've messaged today to say that they miss him, and they'd like to meet to talk about power of attorney. They've suggested a meeting time, in their usual very formal way.

DH is ignoring it, but if he decides to go, he'll ask me to go with him. He doesn't want to go alone, he says we're a team. I feel like they've been a really toxic influence on my life, and I don't want to expose DS to that right now. I'll re-evaluate if and when they show any ability to be decent people around him.

AIBU to enable him to go, but then just leave him to it?

OP posts:

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 27/10/2023 08:34

if he decides to go, he'll ask me to go with him. He doesn't want to go alone, he says we're a team. I feel like they've been a really toxic influence on my life, and I don't want to expose DS to that right now. I'll re-evaluate if and when they show any ability to be decent people around him.

AIBU to enable him to go, but then just leave him to it?*

YABU. For better or for worse. Get a babysitter for your kid.

Middleagedmeangirls · 27/10/2023 08:37

My husband is very independent (as am I) so it would be unusual for him to ask for my support. There have been occasions when I’ve realised he needed it and then I’ve given it wholeheartedly. If he was ever desperate enough to actually ask for it there is no way I would let him down.

Iwasafool · 27/10/2023 08:45

PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 27/10/2023 04:29

No idea if it’s about the inheritance. He’s not usually money motivated, and it’s not something we’ve discussed. Generally his parents are in good health. They summoned us during Covid and said his mum was dizzy and struggling with the stairs but when we got there, she said she was fine and just missed him. His dad had a health scare six years ago but is fine now; as far as I know, and to be honest he was more concerned that DH invited his half-siblings to the hospital to say goodbye and DH’s mum found that uncomfortable than anything else, then.

I got so poorly with all the stress two years ago that my hair started falling out and I have massive regrets that I allowed their behaviour to impact on our early baby days so much, alongside everything else, like our wedding. It’s such a prominent part of some of our major memories… I have no faith that they can be any different, so I’m really nervous about reopening that wound for any of us.

That said, I feel horrible that DS doesn’t have grandparents, and the idea of not talking to him in a year makes me feel sick, so I also feel I should encourage DH to go. I’m forever absolutely torn.

It sounds terrible but it is hard for an outsider to advise. All I can say is my late MIL was a nightmare, she used to call me It, was furious when we had a second child, told my husband in front of me that he'd have been better off marrying my sister (trust me my husband and sister would have been the couple from hell) and too much else to list but when he had phases of going no contact I always encouraged him to see her. I'm glad I did, I feel he would have struggled with her death if he hadn't had some contact.

None of that might be relevant to you but just sharing my experience.

Sorry forgot to add despite it all I almost always went with him to support him as he needed the support.

LaurieStrode · 27/10/2023 08:58

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 27/10/2023 08:34

if he decides to go, he'll ask me to go with him. He doesn't want to go alone, he says we're a team. I feel like they've been a really toxic influence on my life, and I don't want to expose DS to that right now. I'll re-evaluate if and when they show any ability to be decent people around him.

AIBU to enable him to go, but then just leave him to it?*

YABU. For better or for worse. Get a babysitter for your kid.

Agree that he needs your support. He also needs professional counseling; can he access any?

I'd agree to a virtual meeting but that's it until he or both of you get assistance from a trained therapist.

Shellingbynight · 27/10/2023 08:59

I think your husband is right to ignore their request, hopefully he will continue to do so. They are trying various ways to reel him back in, but their behaviour will not change. And he should certainly avoid having POA for them, that will be a nightmare because he'll be unable to avoid contact with them.

Your child does not need grandparents like this.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/10/2023 09:12

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 26/10/2023 21:42

I think your DH is asking for your support here and it would be pretty shitty if you didn’t go with him. This situation must be quite upsetting for him and he’s right, you’re meant to be a team.

Edited to add: but don’t take DS with you.

Edited

100% this.

Go with your DH so that he and you can show that you are a united team, that what happens to one of you happens to both and that you make decisions that affect your whole family (you, him, kids) as a team. There is no divide and conquer here.

If you have someone that you can leave your child with so that you can do that, please leave your DS behind as this isn't the time for 'happy families' to begin.

Best of luck to you.

payriseday · 27/10/2023 09:18

If your husband wants to go, then go with him and support him.
Have a mutual agreement that at the first sign of them getting abusive you will both simply get up and walk out.
It's a few hours in your life to support someone you love.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/10/2023 09:19

Could your DH agree to meet them but in a very public place - like a hotel lobby or bar for example. You could be seated at a different table to him, reading a book and enjoying a cup of tea while he meets with his parents. They wouldn't need to know that you're even there, but he will.

Depending on what they say, he could stay to hear it or get up from the table, walk over to you and you both leave. They'll get a clear message that he's not going to be messed with, he won't put up with their tantrums again (which is what they are doing, throwing tantrums when they don't like what is happening around them and as adults we wouldn't reward children who throw tantrums so why would we do it for fellow adults) and you are there to support him in doing this.

Would that work for you? Would they agree to do that?

AnaisMae · 27/10/2023 09:24

I'd go as DH support if that's what he wanted. You are a team.

WideLegPant · 27/10/2023 09:30

Can you suggest video call as pp said, or say (if they are literate enough to write a comprehensible email) "we can't meet at the moment but you could send us an email with your thoughts and we'll get back to you"?

Going to a vague meeting sounds like a terrible idea tbh.

Natty13 · 27/10/2023 10:37

PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 26/10/2023 22:45

They won’t allow me to sit and be there as support. His mum will blame anything he says that she doesn’t like on me. He knows this; so whenever he’s gone to talk to them previously about strange things, like them kicking off about our wedding venue, he hasn’t taken me.

We’d struggle to find someone who could have DS for half a day quickly; but it’s doable with notice, theoretically.

But to be clear, DH is ignoring it, so far. He hasn’t asked me to go or mentioned it at all. I’m just expecting that he will; unless he decides to continue ignoring it.

It sounds as if they do care and would like a closer relationship, but are going about it the wrong way.

With him, absolutely. Not with me & DS. I posted about them once with lots of details and it turned into an 11+ page thread which unanimously said to stop contact with them. I wish I’d listened then!

So he is basically wanting to use you as a human shield to deflect some of their wrath. Whether he realises it or not, having you there softens the anger towards him and turns it on to you. If he was there alone it would be all on him to take. What kind of "team mate" wants to expose their spouse to stress to save themselves from it? Look up the term "meat shield" woth regards to toxic families because that's what he is suggesting here.

I wouldn't go. Or if i did, it would be on the arrangement that it is in a public place, baby does not come, I will keep the car keys, and the second there was a raised voice towards me I am getting up and walking out. They don't get to behave like that and still get what they want ubfortunately. Actions have consequences.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 11:28

Remember even if you /him /both go see them they will still be the same people you have been avoiding.. Nothing will have changed. We have been nc for 8 years with ils. No phone call or message would get me or dh over there... Same with my dps. Been over 20 years since saw either of them..

Bonbon21 · 27/10/2023 11:35

In your husbands shoes I would refuse to be involved in POA arrangements. Its just another thread for them to yank.
A solicitor can deal with it all for them.
Stay away from them...they are toxic.. and wont change.

Original poster

PleaseMakeItStopAlready · 29/10/2023 19:39

Thanks for all the thoughts.

DH hadn’t mentioned arranging the meeting, or replied to them. I’ve no idea if he intends to.

I’ve always gone with him to previous meetings. He explained once he didn’t want to go without me, and ever since, we’ve both gone unless he’s asked to go alone. He’s done that a few times to “protect” me, but now he thinks his parents tell him one thing and then behave differently, so wants us both to be there. I’ve never refused when he’s asked, I just wondered if it’d be unreasonable to do so now.

If he wants to go, I’ll go with him.

OP posts:

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