How to confront lying

WhyLieToMe · 2023-10-26T09:56:38+00:00

Name changed for this Bit of background, when me and DH met he said he was rubbish with money so we agreed that when paid we both contribute to a shared account for bill whic I have always kept an eye on, then we have our own spends to do what we want with. I'm more of a saver, he is more of a spender, but as long as the bills get paid thats fine. Not long after we first moved in together he took out some payday loans which he hid from me at first, then we discussed, paid off but agreed not to do again due to the large cost of interest and the hiding it from me more recently he has taken out a credit card to do his day to day spending on, with the aim of improving his credit score and assured me he has been paying it off monthly - all good Yesterday he got a letter which he said was an offer from his cc company trying to tempt him to spend so binned it Today I empty the kitchen bin, piece of torn up paper fallen down the back which mentions "This could lead to us defaulting you". No idea the rest of it as torn up and in the bin and I'm not going to go through the rubbish, but am upset and annoyed and frankly pissed off Googled the company name and they do personal loans of a minimum £1000 over 24 months plus, so its not even related to a credit card - so why lie? He's currently out but need to discuss when he's back, no idea how to bring it up and upset that he has not only done this but LIED to me about it. How do i deal with this? I'm the one feeling bad for having to go all 'we need to talk' with him but why do this, we have both had months where money has been tight but to not only borrow at least £1000 but default on the payments too 😡

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:06

I feel sick thinking about this, I'm not a confrontational person.
I'm angry that he lied to my face yesterday, and wish I'd never seen what it was about but if I'm honest I already had suspicions in my mind last night as I'd noticed the letter said something about "important documents, keep for future reference" on the outside which is an odd thing for an "offer of credit" but then I know marketing does stuff like that sometimes to make sure people open thing's

How is there any possible good outcome from this 😔

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:18

Anyone??

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itsmyp4rty · 26/10/2023 11:24

Are you sure it's not just a letter from a loan company offering him a loan but just warning him what would happen if he didn't repay? Not sure if that wording would be on a generic letter or not. I would just ask him in a non confrontational way.
If he's still lying and taking loans though then I thin you need to think very carefully about where you go from here.

EvenBetta · 26/10/2023 11:24

Well he has repeatedly proved he is a liar and cannot be trusted. . As you're legally financially linked, his lying and debt impacts you directly. Ask him how he's going to ensure he doesn't lie yet again and put your finances at risk, ask for detailed plans of how he will rectify his choices. I wouldn't be happy with being financially linked to such a person.

Normalsizedsalad · 26/10/2023 11:27

Your DH is repeatedly lying to you about his debts. There is really not much anyone can say except that it's unacceptable.
It's the same old story on MN seen many times over.
"i am not confrontational"
"i forgave him he did it again"
"he lied to my face"

No one can really tell you what to do except the age old advice of "stop being wet blanket, stop forgiving, these are only the ones you found out about, put your foot down or hes suitcase out".

Lots of people should remember the following sentence sometimes.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

Normalsizedsalad · 26/10/2023 11:29

Just to note you are not responsible for his debt . Effect on you could be via credit score if you have joint account etc and of course because he won't have money to pay his share of holidays, house epenses etc

Chevvi · 26/10/2023 11:30

I would get straight on to a credit reference agency and get his credit report. You can probably guess the security questions. This will tell you what he has and what he has defaulted on.
I don’t care if it not the right thing to do. And if he was lying i would kick him out.
I had a friend whose husband totally screwed her over by forging her signature on a secured loan against their house. I have no time for lies.
good luck

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 11:30

How much of the letter did you actually see? Is there any chance at all that the 'this could lead to us defaulting you' is just part of the terms and conditions in a letter offering him a loan, that he's turned down? Or is it definitely 100% a letter chasing a debt he has with them?

If it's the latter, and he's been overspending and borrowing from terrible high interest lenders again - what might he actually be spending the money on? Have you noticed him buying a lot of non-essential stuff or going out a lot? Do you actually see what his 'day to day spending' actually goes on? Because this sounds to me a lot like someone with either a secret gambling addiction or something else that he's hiding (my sister's ex was like this, and it turned out he'd been hiding a cocaine habit from her).

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:30

I'm certain it is regarding an existing loan as also mentions stepchange and "we're here to help" "we can help get everything sorted"
FFS, just why? We aren't struggling to that extent. I'm more than happy to contribute more if we need it. I'm happy to help pay for things we need

We've been married over 10 years and this has really thrown me

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:31

I think this sums it up perfectly. I just feel livid on the one hand and like I'm overreacting on the other..it doesn't feel real

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sangriapeople · 26/10/2023 11:31

If he does deny this and you're unsure, you could get him to show you his credit file for peace of mind. This will show everything, warts and all!

Good luck x

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:32

itsmyp4rty · 26/10/2023 11:24

Are you sure it's not just a letter from a loan company offering him a loan but just warning him what would happen if he didn't repay? Not sure if that wording would be on a generic letter or not. I would just ask him in a non confrontational way.
If he's still lying and taking loans though then I thin you need to think very carefully about where you go from here.

I'm certain it is regarding an existing loan as also mentions stepchange and "we're here to help" "we can help get everything sorted"
FFS, just why? We aren't struggling to that extent. I'm more than happy to contribute more if we need it. I'm happy to help pay for things we need

We've been married over 10 years and this has really thrown me

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:32

EvenBetta · 26/10/2023 11:24

Well he has repeatedly proved he is a liar and cannot be trusted. . As you're legally financially linked, his lying and debt impacts you directly. Ask him how he's going to ensure he doesn't lie yet again and put your finances at risk, ask for detailed plans of how he will rectify his choices. I wouldn't be happy with being financially linked to such a person.

I think this sums it up perfectly. I just feel livid on the one hand and like I'm overreacting on the other..it doesn't feel real

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:34

Normalsizedsalad · 26/10/2023 11:27

Your DH is repeatedly lying to you about his debts. There is really not much anyone can say except that it's unacceptable.
It's the same old story on MN seen many times over.
"i am not confrontational"
"i forgave him he did it again"
"he lied to my face"

No one can really tell you what to do except the age old advice of "stop being wet blanket, stop forgiving, these are only the ones you found out about, put your foot down or hes suitcase out".

Lots of people should remember the following sentence sometimes.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

Thank you. This is exactly what I would say to anyone else but doesn't seem real. We've had no issue with this for years, even when he was out of work.
He's in a good job now with good bonuses, but still, this

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:35

Normalsizedsalad · 26/10/2023 11:29

Just to note you are not responsible for his debt . Effect on you could be via credit score if you have joint account etc and of course because he won't have money to pay his share of holidays, house epenses etc

Thanks, yes I know I am not responsible for it in the literal sense, just that his finances affect ours.
We save for holidays in the account we pay bills from so that's still there but won't be happening now if he has debts to pay

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Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:37

Chevvi · 26/10/2023 11:30

I would get straight on to a credit reference agency and get his credit report. You can probably guess the security questions. This will tell you what he has and what he has defaulted on.
I don’t care if it not the right thing to do. And if he was lying i would kick him out.
I had a friend whose husband totally screwed her over by forging her signature on a secured loan against their house. I have no time for lies.
good luck

We rent so the secured loan isn't a concern and the credit record was clear just over a year ago as we downloaded them before our credit checks to ensure they looked ok

Its not even about the money. But the lies. I hate lies

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Iknowthis1 · 26/10/2023 11:39

I would also be concerned about what he is spending the money on.

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:40

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 11:30

How much of the letter did you actually see? Is there any chance at all that the 'this could lead to us defaulting you' is just part of the terms and conditions in a letter offering him a loan, that he's turned down? Or is it definitely 100% a letter chasing a debt he has with them?

If it's the latter, and he's been overspending and borrowing from terrible high interest lenders again - what might he actually be spending the money on? Have you noticed him buying a lot of non-essential stuff or going out a lot? Do you actually see what his 'day to day spending' actually goes on? Because this sounds to me a lot like someone with either a secret gambling addiction or something else that he's hiding (my sister's ex was like this, and it turned out he'd been hiding a cocaine habit from her).

Yes I'm sure it is a debt owed due to other things on the scrap of paper

He earns good money and good bonuses so shouldn't have any concerns, he's been clear some months that he's short of money towards the end of the month (aren't we all) because we've had nights out, or he's bought new clothes etc but this is a shock.
Just don't know how to actually start the conversation when he gets home

We got paid yesterday and as he'd borrowed money off me last month I even asked if he was ok to pay X amount back without being short this month and he showed me what he has left to spend on "fun stuff" and it's plenty so unless his repayments are hundreds I can't see what's going on here.

Oh god I hope it's not hundreds

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dcsp · 26/10/2023 11:42

Chevvi · 26/10/2023 11:30

I would get straight on to a credit reference agency and get his credit report. You can probably guess the security questions. This will tell you what he has and what he has defaulted on.
I don’t care if it not the right thing to do. And if he was lying i would kick him out.
I had a friend whose husband totally screwed her over by forging her signature on a secured loan against their house. I have no time for lies.
good luck

Pretending to be him to get his credit report would be illegal - do not do this.

Make it clear to him that he has to sign up for an account with one of the companies that allow you to see your credit report, and show it to you.

dcsp · 26/10/2023 11:45

Iknowthis1 · 26/10/2023 11:39

I would also be concerned about what he is spending the money on.

This!

If he has plenty of money left over after essentials for "fun stuff" then what is he spending the money one? Gambling? Drink/drugs? Lying about money can be a sign of addiction.

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 11:52

dcsp · 26/10/2023 11:45

This!

If he has plenty of money left over after essentials for "fun stuff" then what is he spending the money one? Gambling? Drink/drugs? Lying about money can be a sign of addiction.

Show quote history

We have discussed gambling before as we both like a fruit machine/online gaming but he said he'd blocked his card from being able to be used on gambling sites as he's spent more than planned, as have I in the past so set limits on my account.

When out we do spend a fair bit as we live in the south and drinks are expensive but it's not often.

FFS I might fritter money away but only what I have "spare" and (clearly stupidly) assumed he did the same

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Ibravedaflood · 26/10/2023 11:58

My exh spent his wages every week and claimed we were skint. He accrued debt via a catalogue he had against my agreement.. I saw a true bank statement of what he was wasting and threw him out. Divorced him...

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 12:33

Just waiting for him to get home now

Much as I'd just like to bury my head in the sand going to have to bring it up

Don't want to just jump in the second he walks in the door but equally I am so angry inside

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OLDERME · 26/10/2023 12:42

Make sure you both eat first of all. Discussions on an empty stomach don't end well. Ask him to explain it more in depth because a] you don't understand it, b] it has made you anxious.
Had it for years, and it never stopped. Only longer gaps inbetween. Ended up amounting to thousands. Be wary, but be careful in case you have it wrong this time.

Original poster

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 17:31

Ok so I've taken all the above on board but how on earth do you start a conversation like this?
We don't have issues like this and we just discussed money last night 😫why am I the one feeling bad about this

"Oh btw I emptied the bin earlier and found a fragment of the letter you tried to hide on the floor"
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
"Who are (insert name of finance provider here)?"
"Why did you lie to me yesterday?"
"Why didn't you tell me you had taken out a personal loan"
"When were you going to tell me?"
"We need to talk "

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