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Original poster

How to confront lying

51 replies

WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 10:56

Name changed for this

Bit of background, when me and DH met he said he was rubbish with money so we agreed that when paid we both contribute to a shared account for bill whic I have always kept an eye on, then we have our own spends to do what we want with. I'm more of a saver, he is more of a spender, but as long as the bills get paid thats fine.
Not long after we first moved in together he took out some payday loans which he hid from me at first, then we discussed, paid off but agreed not to do again due to the large cost of interest and the hiding it from me

more recently he has taken out a credit card to do his day to day spending on, with the aim of improving his credit score and assured me he has been paying it off monthly - all good

Yesterday he got a letter which he said was an offer from his cc company trying to tempt him to spend so binned it

Today I empty the kitchen bin, piece of torn up paper fallen down the back which mentions "This could lead to us defaulting you". No idea the rest of it as torn up and in the bin and I'm not going to go through the rubbish, but am upset and annoyed and frankly pissed off

Googled the company name and they do personal loans of a minimum £1000 over 24 months plus, so its not even related to a credit card - so why lie?

He's currently out but need to discuss when he's back, no idea how to bring it up and upset that he has not only done this but LIED to me about it.

How do i deal with this? I'm the one feeling bad for having to go all 'we need to talk' with him but why do this, we have both had months where money has been tight but to not only borrow at least £1000 but default on the payments too 😡

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 17:33

OLDERME · 26/10/2023 12:42

Make sure you both eat first of all. Discussions on an empty stomach don't end well. Ask him to explain it more in depth because a] you don't understand it, b] it has made you anxious.
Had it for years, and it never stopped. Only longer gaps inbetween. Ended up amounting to thousands. Be wary, but be careful in case you have it wrong this time.

The thing is it's not something I don't understand. He lied about something which I accidentally discovered today was a lie 😳

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/10/2023 17:43

I'd say that you need to talk to him about something. And that before he thinks about minimising or denying anything or not telling you the absolute truth, you'd like him to take a few minutes to consider how he is going to respond, because if you aren't told the complete truth and you find out later then that would be incred8vky hurtful to your relationship. You emptied the bin and found a letter from x company. Would he like to explain.

Then dependent on his reactions, ask about why he kept it from you etc

Don't accuse but don't minimise. If he admits something and promises he will change,if you want to carry on with thr relationship then I'd need concrete steps he is taking. Not just 'I'll t4y harder'. Eg therapy to address why he is addicted to impulse spending. Budgeting tools. Joint account so you ha e full visibility of all his spending. Ultimately though you may never trust him again

And if he kicks off about lack of trust then that's on him. Actions have consequences and if someone repeatedly lies and is shit with money its a natural consequence to not trust that person with money

Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 26/10/2023 22:35

So we've talked about it, he admitted he took a loan out a while back as he'd overspent when he was smoking and drinking more and not earning as much and had accrued a lot on credit cards so got a plan at a better rate and said the letter was because he missed the final payment but I just feel like it doesn't quite add up with how much he borrowed and what he repaid and stressing now more than I was before 😣

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 26/10/2023 22:55

You need to ask the truth of absolutely everything. I know you shouldn't have to do that, but it's the only way you can be sure about what is owed. I think it's really really important that any repayment doesn't come out of your money or joint money.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/10/2023 23:21

You need to ask him to see the paperwork

redalex261 · 26/10/2023 23:38

His account of events is not credible. For starters, it is too vague.
a while back - what does that even mean? - need a date -month & year.
Did he have other high interest card debt he consolidated with this high interest lender? (for an alleged better rate) if so was there any mail coming in from other credit companies? Should have been if he did have other debt especially if he was struggling to meet payments.
Said spending too much on drink/fags - does this match his behaviour or seem a bit feeble to you - is he hiding something else like gambling?
Finally, the details you saw on the piece of letter don't seem to fit with “missing the last payment” scenario.
Think you should ask him to register with free credit check sites and let you access. Also ask to see six months’ bank statements as a minimum to see what he has been spending on. if he’s been gambling that is likely to show and from earlier posts seems to be an issue. Not nice, or normal, but you are financially linked by joint account and every indicator is he’s talking bollocks and you need to know what you are dealing with for your peace of mind. Otherwise it will just get better short term when you help fix it then get even worse as he will hide it better until it’s too much money to hide.

Milarky · 27/10/2023 00:01

This wont end well for you I'm afraid. He's shown you who is so listen!

You don't need a crystal ball to know you will have bailiffs at the door within the next 12 months despite what lies he tells you.

Run now, while you don't have kids with him.

You can't fix him.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/10/2023 00:10

Get him to show you his Experian report. That'll show whatever the debt is and how much outstanding.

TheOccupier · 27/10/2023 00:12

You need to get some rubber gloves on and find the rest of that letter. You will not get the truth from your DH.

Sisiwawa · 27/10/2023 00:17

Also ask him to log on to his online banking, you can go back up to 7 years (I think) and look at the statements to see what's been going on. If he refuses, that says a lot. It won't get better, he'll just get better at hiding it from you/ lying to you.

AdamRyan · 27/10/2023 00:26

Yes. This would be last chance saloon for me. He shows you his credit record and all his repayments for this loan and if anything doesn't match up, bin him. If he refuses to show you, bin him.

I'm another one who's forgiven a liar and been left feeling stupid, and I know how hard it is to leave without proof but the above will tell you what you need to know. Either he's now been truthful, in which case you need to decide what to do. Or he's still lying, in which case he's never going to change. IME it's not worth spending the time with a liar. You'll always be second guessing, it destroys the trust.

And you call him DH, if you are married then potentially you are liable for his debts, even if between you finances are separate. The whole point of marriage is you legally share each others assets and debts.

JFT · 27/10/2023 00:32

I think you need to have an open and direct chat with him.

Maybe ask him in advance, for example 'can we sit down and have a proper talk about all things finances and budgets on Sunday afternoon?'

Then get any questions and concerns you have out in the open and make sure he answers them to satisfaction.

sangriapeople · 27/10/2023 10:24

Awful situation OP.

I think, given where you are in that the trust has eroded, you need to see his bank statements. You can glean exactly the situation from that.

If there's nothing to hide, then he should recognise that it's necessary to show you. Obviously, if he is innocent (ish might I add) this could cause problems surrounding trust but you are where you are. He shouldn't be so terrible with money.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2023 10:26

Why are you lying to me again? Covers it.

Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 16:28

redalex261 · 26/10/2023 23:38

His account of events is not credible. For starters, it is too vague.
a while back - what does that even mean? - need a date -month & year.
Did he have other high interest card debt he consolidated with this high interest lender? (for an alleged better rate) if so was there any mail coming in from other credit companies? Should have been if he did have other debt especially if he was struggling to meet payments.
Said spending too much on drink/fags - does this match his behaviour or seem a bit feeble to you - is he hiding something else like gambling?
Finally, the details you saw on the piece of letter don't seem to fit with “missing the last payment” scenario.
Think you should ask him to register with free credit check sites and let you access. Also ask to see six months’ bank statements as a minimum to see what he has been spending on. if he’s been gambling that is likely to show and from earlier posts seems to be an issue. Not nice, or normal, but you are financially linked by joint account and every indicator is he’s talking bollocks and you need to know what you are dealing with for your peace of mind. Otherwise it will just get better short term when you help fix it then get even worse as he will hide it better until it’s too much money to hide.

Thank you all for the advise so far. He told me last night it was X amount and £x a month repayments which would fit to overspending for a while.
It does fit that it's drink, fags, eating out instead of getting lunches as that is where his money tends to go.
We both do some online gambling and he admitted whilst he isn't in debt with it he was spending more than he'd like so has excluded himself from gaming sites for a year and showed me that email.

Me then stewing went on website to look at loan amounts and it doesn't add up. Either he borrowed much more than he said for the repayments to be that high, or he's still repaying it, or his repayments weren't that much

I feel by doing this I'm spying on him but it's how my mind works - I have to make sense of things and looking at their loan calculator made sense to me

He doesn't have any paperwork for it as he doesn't keep hold of stuff like that, and despite me personally being the kind of person who keeps EVERYTHING he's always been that way. He does the same with emails too.

I asked to see apps and he said he's uninstalled them - I know when I closed my credit card the (online) account was immediately closed off to me but regardless if that's true or not I think the only way to get to the truth of it is the showing me the bank statement /credit score report

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 16:30

Milarky · 27/10/2023 00:01

This wont end well for you I'm afraid. He's shown you who is so listen!

You don't need a crystal ball to know you will have bailiffs at the door within the next 12 months despite what lies he tells you.

Run now, while you don't have kids with him.

You can't fix him.

Shit? Really? Bailiff's? That seems a lot, based on one letter. Never been in that situation before but how much warning/chances to pay do you get before that?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 16:32

JFT · 27/10/2023 00:32

I think you need to have an open and direct chat with him.

Maybe ask him in advance, for example 'can we sit down and have a proper talk about all things finances and budgets on Sunday afternoon?'

Then get any questions and concerns you have out in the open and make sure he answers them to satisfaction.

Yep, going to do this and tell him it can be tonight after work or Sunday and that x y and z don't make sense/add up to me and I need him to be 100% honest as I can't be with someone who keeps lying to me no matter the reasons (he didn't want to admit he'd run up cc debt and wanted to clear it himself - which would have been fine IF when asked about the letter originally he'd explained that/told me he'd missed one payment/shown me the letter)

OP posts:
Mia2468 · 27/10/2023 18:19

You could ask him to sign up for a credit score app, he can do this online free of charge. Then you can see everything that he owes, together with any defaults and CCJs

Original poster
WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 19:21

Well brought it up tonight, he was clearly annoyed but said he wasn't and I got upset at him saying I don't trust him because basically right now, about this, I don't. So he's packing a bag and going over to him mums, where I have left the house in tears and gone for a drive where I've just been blasted at as I was so preoccupied with the car in front having no lights on that I changed lane right in front of someone without even realising

OP posts:
JFT · 27/10/2023 19:31

WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 19:21

Well brought it up tonight, he was clearly annoyed but said he wasn't and I got upset at him saying I don't trust him because basically right now, about this, I don't. So he's packing a bag and going over to him mums, where I have left the house in tears and gone for a drive where I've just been blasted at as I was so preoccupied with the car in front having no lights on that I changed lane right in front of someone without even realising

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear this.

Please take it very easy on yourself, you're in a bit of shock.
It's really upsetting but maybe a bit of a break and breathing space will do you both good and help you gain clarity.
You can have discussions with a bit of space and if he's committed to the relationship with you then he'll do what he needs to do to prove his honesty.

And if not... well.. hm best he takes himself off

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 27/10/2023 19:38

Open a credit score checking account either make him do it or if you have the information you can do it.

There are free ones like credit karma.

They will list all his secured debts and credit card balances (a month in arrears) and loans

You are financially linked to this man so you need to find out how dire the situation is.

AdamRyan · 28/10/2023 10:37

WhyLieToMe · 27/10/2023 16:28

Thank you all for the advise so far. He told me last night it was X amount and £x a month repayments which would fit to overspending for a while.
It does fit that it's drink, fags, eating out instead of getting lunches as that is where his money tends to go.
We both do some online gambling and he admitted whilst he isn't in debt with it he was spending more than he'd like so has excluded himself from gaming sites for a year and showed me that email.

Me then stewing went on website to look at loan amounts and it doesn't add up. Either he borrowed much more than he said for the repayments to be that high, or he's still repaying it, or his repayments weren't that much

I feel by doing this I'm spying on him but it's how my mind works - I have to make sense of things and looking at their loan calculator made sense to me

He doesn't have any paperwork for it as he doesn't keep hold of stuff like that, and despite me personally being the kind of person who keeps EVERYTHING he's always been that way. He does the same with emails too.

I asked to see apps and he said he's uninstalled them - I know when I closed my credit card the (online) account was immediately closed off to me but regardless if that's true or not I think the only way to get to the truth of it is the showing me the bank statement /credit score report

Show quote history

Well that's all very convenient for him isn't it?

He is lying to you. The getting defensive, manipulative "don't you trust me?" when you ask questions shows that. And now he is buying himself time to come up with a story/plan.

I'm so sorry. What do you want to happen? It sounds like he's going to spend and be in debt whatever he says to you, are you able to accept that?

I think maybe it would be worth you speaking to a solicitor to find out how to protect yourself financially

Milarky · 28/10/2023 12:06

Shit? Really? Bailiff's? That seems a lot, based on one letter. Never been in that situation before but how much warning/chances to pay do you get before that?

It's doesn't matter how much warning you get. He's throwing the letters in the bin. You'll never know. Well ... until you get the knock on the door.

Happened to mate. Started even before they moved in together, looking back she sees the red flags now.

Anyway he ran up loads of debt on credit cards. She didn't know. When she was about 6 months pregnant had bailiffs knocking on her door.

She sorted everything out. They had counselling she then managed ALL the finances, kept an eye on credit agencies. Thought she had it all under control.

He was always staring new hobbies which alway involved a mate giving him free stuff. I remember his boasting to my now ex DP thst his new racing bike was worth more ex-DP's car.

Ex-Dp mentioned it to me and I diplomatically brought it up with my friend. Who told me a friend had given it to him. I feigned surprise that a friend would give away an £8k bike!

My friend started digging, and yup thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt under a different name. Lost her house that time. :( 15 years together.

So OP please don't listens to his lies and gas lighting. It's an illness, you stay with him you will lose everything!!

ClareBlue · 28/10/2023 12:25

The most obvious answer is usually the correct one. Look at the online gambling. It's easy enough for an addict to get around low level exclusions. It also easy enough to get addicted to it.
I would go with 80 to 90 percent chance it is this. Have you seen bank statements.

TicTacNicNak · 28/10/2023 12:39

I'm more of a saver, he is more of a spender, but as long as the bills get paid thats fine.

Thats all well and good OP, but if you should end up divorcing, he'll get half your precious savings while he's frittered his money away.