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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really shit to put your children in the middle of a divorce?

26 replies

PickPolly · 26/10/2023 10:39

Even as adults?

Parents separated when I was a child. I will preface this by saying I mean in cases where there has not been abuse! Of course I understand not wanting to see your abuser. When my parents split it was not to do with abuse on either side. There was an affair which is obviously not good and hurtful to the other which I understand.

But I'm very fed up still as an adult that my parents cannot simply move on. I have two children now of my own and I am so tired of them still being unable to hold a simple conversation enough to not make birthday parties or family events awkward. I am sick of trying to please both and having to live separate lives with them individually. They won't even do something as simple as hand over my children to the other for example or come to my home to wish my children a happy birthday at the same time etc.

It has been nearly 20 years!

I appreciate I have the ability of saying this is what's happening come or don't, which I have started doing now but it still makes me mad that they'd rather but their children (me and siblings) and their grandchildren now too in the awkward position of just not being able to simply have their two parents or grandparents stand in the same room and sing happy birthday or whatever.

AIBU to think this is really shitty and unreasonable when you share children together to not just move on for the rest of the families sake, especially young children?

Me and DH are rocky ourselves at the moment and there have been times when his behaviour has seriously made me hate him but I can't imagine ever wanting to put my kids in this situation and would always, I hope, try my best to just smile and get on with it for their sakes.

OP posts:
cansu · 26/10/2023 10:42

I think you should invite them both to events and then leave it up to them.

MaggieBsBoat · 26/10/2023 10:45

This is a problem with your parents rather than divorce as such. They sound bloody awful.
Divorce is absolutely vital to have when the opposite is staying with someone unhappily.
You need to learn not to give in to their silliness.

Mooserp · 26/10/2023 10:50

Their behaviour is extreme, but you don't know what went on in their marriage. My ex was controlling and abusive to me, but as far as my kids are concerned he just had an affair.

Original poster
PickPolly · 26/10/2023 10:53

MaggieBsBoat · 26/10/2023 10:45

This is a problem with your parents rather than divorce as such. They sound bloody awful.
Divorce is absolutely vital to have when the opposite is staying with someone unhappily.
You need to learn not to give in to their silliness.

Oh I appreciate divorce can be necessary. It's not divorcing I have a problem with. It's the prolonged hostility afterwards and refusing to just move on enough to lessen the effect on your children and grandchildren after so long that I hate.

OP posts:
AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 12:29

I think its completely up to them. So what if you need to see them separately, just the same as seeing different sides of the family separately. In a situation where you want a gathering, invite them all and leave it to them to sort.

CalistoNoSolo · 26/10/2023 12:31

I couldn't be bothered with this playground shite. I'd tell them both, once, that they're civil to each other or they don't get invited any more.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/10/2023 12:32

Mooserp · 26/10/2023 10:50

Their behaviour is extreme, but you don't know what went on in their marriage. My ex was controlling and abusive to me, but as far as my kids are concerned he just had an affair.

This.

There may be a lot you don't know. Sometimes people are so traumatised that it's not possible to move on.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 26/10/2023 12:34

My friends parents have been divorced for three decades and still behave like this. It's shit, and forces her to sneak around and lie about spending time with the other parent.

Very emotionally manipulative too.

Comtesse · 26/10/2023 12:35

I would hate this - yanbu.

Americano75 · 26/10/2023 12:47

Mooserp · 26/10/2023 10:50

Their behaviour is extreme, but you don't know what went on in their marriage. My ex was controlling and abusive to me, but as far as my kids are concerned he just had an affair.

This. Having actually been through a divorce I can confirm that my daughter isn't privy to the vast majority of the shite her father put me through. She only knows the barest details.

TammyJones · 26/10/2023 12:52

MaggieBsBoat · 26/10/2023 10:45

This is a problem with your parents rather than divorce as such. They sound bloody awful.
Divorce is absolutely vital to have when the opposite is staying with someone unhappily.
You need to learn not to give in to their silliness.

Can I just ask - divorce aside - is your mum/ dad awkward in any other way?
My mil still holds a grudge 50 years on.
Me I can't even remember what we argued about 30 years on, but I have felt like that for at least 25 plus years.

AnnaMagnani · 26/10/2023 12:55

I honestly think it's reasonable when you divorce and your children are adults, not to expect to see your ex again with the one exception for your DCs weddings.

Any other family gatherings, no.

And it's likely that you only know tiny scraps of what happened during the marriage and divorce.

DahliaJ · 26/10/2023 12:58

I am divorced.

My children have some idea of what happened but no concept of how dreadful it really was or how my DH and his OW treat me. They don't know the breakdown I had, the gaslighting, the shocking way they treat me. They were too young to know how shockingly they treat them either.

I don't want to tell them and impact on their relationship with their dad. However, I don't want to be on joint family photos with them and I don't want to share events with them unless absolutely no other option.

My extended family witnessed the damage, they too would absolutely struggle ( in fact more than me) to have them at any events.

My DH claimed ‘ family life is not for me’ when he shattered our dreams and plans. Go live it…

They don't deserve to be part of my family.

apric0t · 26/10/2023 13:02

This is my MIL, it's been 37 years since they split, there was no cheating, both parties have been happily remarried for 35 years and she STILL goes on about ex partner, even round the Xmas dinner table most years

ColleenDonaghy · 26/10/2023 13:02

I have a friend whose parents divorced when she was in primary school. The dad has now been married to the OW for well over 20 years and she's still having to pretend to her mum that she hasn't seen them.

Hurtful to the mum I know but it is ridiculous at this stage.

jlpth · 26/10/2023 13:02

Divorce is a major trauma. You won't know everything that went on. It's fine for them to keep apart IMO. Just see them separately.

Globules · 26/10/2023 13:13

I hope you never have to go through the shit I had to go through at the hands of my ex @PickPolly

He completely changed leading up to when we separated and then got worse after. I shielded the teens from so much of it. I love them too much to let them know how horrid he was to us. I just protected them from as much as I could.

The thought of being in the same room with him and trying to pretend I'm having a good time chills me to the bone. I don't ever want my children seeing me with that much fear and hatred coursing through my bones.

mummeeee · 26/10/2023 13:15

Yanbu

I've had 40 years of this. Parents divorced when I was 9. It was 99% my DM. My DF is now dead (dm didn't even say she was sorry or send a card to me on his death.) It's basically a form of narcissism and jealousy with my DM, I think. She cannot appreciate that he was her ex-H but he was still my father. Expected that once she ended the relationship, that mine and my siblings relationships should also end - immediately, never to see them again! She had a relationship with the OM (she had an affair whilst married to my dad) and later married another man (he was then my DSD for 15 years). On her break up with these men she did the same. Thankfully, I was able to maintain a sort of relationship with my DSD as I was an adult by then.

Even now my DF is dead she does it with my step-mother. I keep everything neutral and don't share info but don't expect my DC/ nieces and nephews to keep secrets, so we still get lots of 'oh, I heard you went to see DSM' etc.

From the day they split up, for nearly 40 years I never heard her speak to my DF without swearing and never saw them in the same room apart from my wedding and my brother's wedding, at which she had a face on the whole time. It was like trying to manage a 5 year old.

Floofydawg · 26/10/2023 13:19

AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 12:29

I think its completely up to them. So what if you need to see them separately, just the same as seeing different sides of the family separately. In a situation where you want a gathering, invite them all and leave it to them to sort.

Agree with this. Personally I'm very happy I no longer have to see my ex husband now that our daughter is grown up. The only occasion I will ever be in the same room as him is if/when she gets married. Other than that, nope.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 26/10/2023 13:28

You have to respect that they obviously damaged each other so badly that there is no room for healing. It's hard for others to deal with, but it's their right to decide.

Baconisdelicious · 26/10/2023 13:52

When my parents split it was not to do with abuse on either side. There was an affair which is obviously not good and hurtful to the other which I understand

having an affair is abuse. It involves lying, gaslighting, spending joint monies out with the marriage. It makes the person being cheated on think they are going slowly mad. It throws the equivalent of a nuclear bomb into the middle of your life and you’re expected to smile and carry on like nothing has happened. Cheaters rarely own up to their actions, they manipulate and twist and squirm and rewrite the history of the relationship. They leave utter devastation behind them whilst they journey on, devoid of emotion and without a care in the world. They are often those who hide assets, make divorce more complex than it needs to be, and avoid the payment of maintenance.

I love my children and have worked hard at minimising the impact of their father’s behaviour on their lives. But let’s be clear that I won’t be playing happy families alongside their father for anyone or anything. I won’t be biting my lip for appearances sake and I won’t be silenced on how someone elses’s selfish actions have massively impacted my life, and my children’s lives.

one of the biggest issues with affairs is the person left behind is supposed to accept that they just didn’t cut it, didn’t make the grade, did something wrong, somehow deserved it. Don’t ask someone who has been cheated on to pretend it never happened because doing that makes you complicit in the abuse they received. It’s yet another betrayal.

Americano75 · 26/10/2023 14:31

Don’t ask someone who has been cheated on to pretend it never happened because doing that makes you complicit in the abuse they received. It’s yet another betrayal.

Nailed it @Baconisdelicious

Whattheactualfucking · 26/10/2023 17:02

Absofuckinglutely this.

Foxblue · 26/10/2023 17:11

I absolutely understand the posters rage, and i applaud your right to be fucking furious to be honest. Men get away with so much.
Genuinely curious - how do you feel about any potential impact that not being able to be in the same room etc has on your children now, have you ever sat down and had a discussion with them about it, what (if anything) do they say to you about it etc. Just because I've only ever heard the child's side on this and that's been overwhelmingly in the 'I wish they'd play nice for my sake' camp, so I'm curious if any of your kids don't feel that way and are happy with the status quo.

PaterPower · 26/10/2023 17:35

My exW cheated on me then relocated the kids hours away from me (I fought that through FC, unsuccessfully).

I cannot tell you how much I loathed her for the pain she caused. For a long time too.

But after the shock and grief cycle concludes you have to grit your teeth and get on with it, particularly when she has the power to undermine your relationship with your kids. If you do that, eventually it becomes like seeing an acquaintance you can tolerate.

We’ve been to school events, Birthday parties and eaten together at swap-overs when it’s been necessary. I wouldn’t say I’ve forgiven, not really, and I’ll never forget, but dwelling on it damages yourself as much as it does the kids and I never wanted them to have to lie or scuttle about like some of the poor PPs above.

When my DC get married I know we’ll be able to sit at the top table and not create an atmosphere, unlike other weddings I’ve been to where one party or other gets shunted off to a side table or relegated to the second row in the church. That’s just shit for all concerned.