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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite this woman to DS birthday party

46 replies

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:22

Ok for background, me and ex have one DS (5) and have been separated for approx 2.5 years

ex has been with his current partner (A) for almost 2 years but been very on and off

me and A do not like each other. I tried initially to be welcoming / foster a good relationship with the woman who would be around my child but she absolutely was not having it. The relationship deteriorated quickly and there's bad blood there. We wouldn't argue in front of the kids or anything but very clear neither of us like each other.

anyway, onto the issue. DS is having a birthday party next month, that I am solely organising and paying for. Ex is invited as he is DS father and I do not want to exclude him from DS party, however I really do not want A there. I get she is a part of DS life but DS will be having so much fun with friends he won't notice her absence and frankly I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable at an event for my son that I am paying for.

AIBU to say she isn't welcome to come?

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:24

Well that’s not exactly going to thaw relations is it?

We wouldn't argue in front of the kids or anything but very clear neither of us like each other.

how often do you interact with her?

how well do you get on with your ex?

and most importantly - what is she like with your son and does he like her? I appreciate this will be hard to answer honestly

Pitapatter11 · 26/10/2023 10:26

No I don't think you're unreasonable. You're paying for it.

If his dad was paying half I'd say he should be able to bring her but he's not so 🤷‍♀️

I'm a SM and I've been there. In my case me and DH hadn't been on and off, we've been solely together for nearly 10 years now! He was paying half for the party (we'd been together around 2 years at this point and lived together) and his ex still refused to let me attend. Our relationship is much better now and it hasn't been an issue since but I didn't push it at the time and just respected it was a bit if an awkward time for her 🤷‍♀️

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:26

Why isn’t your ex paying half? Is it because he’s having his one party for his son?

Original poster
Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:27

Tbh I don't think there's much at this point that will warm things up

interaction is at most every other weekend when ex has contact

get on ok with ex so long as it's very surface level, but things have been very difficult and borderline hostile in the past

Yes DS likes her as much as anyone I suppose, much like how he likes some of my friends that he sees quite regularly

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2023 10:27

You’re paying for it= your party= invite who you want and exclude who
you want!

Original poster
Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:27

ex isn't paying because he pays child maintenance and won't contribute anything more than that, so I suppose you could consider he's contributing that way?

OP posts:
Crappa1 · 26/10/2023 10:28

The only thing I'd think would make this unreasonable would be if your son does genuinely like her and thinks of her as an important person in his life. If so, I'd try and be the bigger person. It is his party at the end of the day, not yours.

But on the other hand you're paying so 🤷

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:29

i am confused why the relationship is so profoundly negative when you have such limited interaction with her?

It will no doubt also cause issues between you and ex as he will be pissed off that he’s been put in the middle

on the other hand, I am imagining if she does come - the two of you may behave like alley cats and that won’t go down well at a children’s party!

So…. I’d suggest to ex that given the circumstances, he arranges his own party

Crappa1 · 26/10/2023 10:31

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2023 10:27

You’re paying for it= your party= invite who you want and exclude who
you want!

Technically it's the sons party not OPs. She doesn't like her ex particularly but he's still attending (because it's her sons party and he's his dad). Therefore if the son does like the partner then I'd probably let her come but I suppose if he's not going to be bothered either way then it's fine.

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:31

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:27

ex isn't paying because he pays child maintenance and won't contribute anything more than that, so I suppose you could consider he's contributing that way?

Seriously? Did you ask and he quoted CM covers it? Or you haven’t asked and assumed this will be his response?

Singleandproud · 26/10/2023 10:33

Do you and ex get on ok, or will you be on edge during the party? Will ex be trying to get DS attention during the party or allow him to play with his friends

If you don't really get on then it really is better to have separate parties, DH can have one for DS with his gf and extended family. DS gets to have two parties - just make sure to manage his expectations so that he knows dad won't be there.

You aren't excluding him, parties aren't essential. If you do get on then great but if you invite dad Id expect the new partner and any children they may have in future to come to these events

GabriellaMontez · 26/10/2023 10:33

I wouldn't have ex or his partner.

You're separated, 'borderline hostile'.

Let him have a separate party.

JemimaFuddle · 26/10/2023 10:33

You say that she is hostile but the way you talk about her and refer to her as this woman indicates that this hostility goes both ways.

I feel like barring her is likely to make your relationship worse rather than better which is ultimately bad for your son.

I would probably either have a joint party or just do your own without your ex.

Original poster
Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:33

Things are so bad basically because ex is a shit stirrer...like he would come to
me and tell me all the nasty things she's said about me and then that would obvs produce a negative reaction from me which he would then go back and tell her...

very aware it's the ex that's the problem and he has manufactured this hostility between us but he's very manipulative and it was hard to see that's what was going on at the time, and now it's too late to salvage really

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:34

Oh for goodness sakes - talk about a drip.

I wouldn’t want the ex there. What a cretin.

He can throw his own little party for his son.

end of

JemimaFuddle · 26/10/2023 10:35

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:33

Things are so bad basically because ex is a shit stirrer...like he would come to
me and tell me all the nasty things she's said about me and then that would obvs produce a negative reaction from me which he would then go back and tell her...

very aware it's the ex that's the problem and he has manufactured this hostility between us but he's very manipulative and it was hard to see that's what was going on at the time, and now it's too late to salvage really

I wouldn't be so sure that every thing your ex says is true. Some men get off on women fighting over them.

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:36

So this terrible relationship between you and this woman is all due to your ex

so why are you navel gazing about her coming to the party when the cause of all the problems is coming?

use this as an opportunity to bypass the shit stirrer and have an adult civilised in person chat with her. This won’t happen though

Gymmum82 · 26/10/2023 10:37

I wouldn’t invite either of them. It’s his party for his friends. You’re paying for it. If he wants a party he can organise and pay for his own

Original poster
Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:38

Because as much as I would love to stop ex coming, he is DS father and DS would be heartbroken if his dad wasn't there.

ex wouldn't throw a seperate party, wouldn't go to the effort or expense

whilst I agree that ex is the ultimate problem, I would still be uncomfortable with her there. Wether we like it or not there is bad blood and I simply don't want to be around her

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 26/10/2023 10:38

I wouldn't invite her but would ex just turn up with her anyway?

They can have their own party

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 10:39

That’s a cop out

you recognise that your ex is the bad seed

so rise above it

what a waste of your time and energy op

cansu · 26/10/2023 10:40

I think you are probably giving this too much headspace. I would probably try and take the high ground and invite them. You don't need to talk to them much and she could be around for the rest of your ds life. Fake it as much as possible.

JemimaFuddle · 26/10/2023 10:43

I would tempted to become really good friends with her just to spite your ex 😂

coodawoodashooda · 26/10/2023 10:44

I wouldn't invite either of them. How much child maintenance does he pay? I bet it's not much.

aSofaNearYou · 26/10/2023 10:45

Well tbf it sounds like you are unreasonable to dislike her. It's reasonable for her to complain about you in private, it's your ex that's the problem.

I don't think YABU to not invite her but this comes up all the time on here and tbh every time I think "just rip the band aid off and stop insisting on inviting your ex". I'm a step mum and neither me nor my DP have ever been invited to DSS's parties. He has them with his mum and we do something else with him when we see him - not a party but a day out usually. Yes he was disappointed the first year when DP wasn't there but is perfectly used to it now. I just think it's far simpler for everyone.