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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to invite this woman to DS birthday party

46 replies

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:22

Ok for background, me and ex have one DS (5) and have been separated for approx 2.5 years

ex has been with his current partner (A) for almost 2 years but been very on and off

me and A do not like each other. I tried initially to be welcoming / foster a good relationship with the woman who would be around my child but she absolutely was not having it. The relationship deteriorated quickly and there's bad blood there. We wouldn't argue in front of the kids or anything but very clear neither of us like each other.

anyway, onto the issue. DS is having a birthday party next month, that I am solely organising and paying for. Ex is invited as he is DS father and I do not want to exclude him from DS party, however I really do not want A there. I get she is a part of DS life but DS will be having so much fun with friends he won't notice her absence and frankly I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable at an event for my son that I am paying for.

AIBU to say she isn't welcome to come?

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2023 10:46

Personally, I’d invite and be nice as pie.

pizzaHeart · 26/10/2023 10:49

Is it at home or is it like a soft play place? Are you inviting other relatives/ grown ups?

Crappa1 · 26/10/2023 10:51

If your ex is such a shit but you still want to invite him (I understand why if your son would really want him there), I'd be thinking is he less likely to bother me if his GF is there to occupy him. Is he likely to want to talk to you if there is no one else there for him to sit with/ talk to?

I'd also be considering the particular people involved to. Obviously no one wants an argument erupting at a child's party between you and her / him. Is that likely to happen, knowing the people involved? Or do you think you could just civilly (albeit maybe a bit awkwardly) get through it without any cross words? Which is how I hope most adults could behave at a child's party.

Flamingogirl08 · 26/10/2023 10:53

Tbh I'm a step mum and my DSD generally has separate celebrations. So she will do something with her Mum and that side of the family and then do something with Dad and his family etc.

I think the only time it was joint was for her communion.

We actually all get on fine but tend to do things separately.

Crappa1 · 26/10/2023 10:55

I do think as well, as a child of divorced parents, just being able to have a birthday party with everyone you love there is a good thing. If you can manage it, not having to have separate everything because your parents can't just get along for 2 hours, is what I'd have preferred.

NeedToChangeName · 26/10/2023 10:59

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:33

Things are so bad basically because ex is a shit stirrer...like he would come to
me and tell me all the nasty things she's said about me and then that would obvs produce a negative reaction from me which he would then go back and tell her...

very aware it's the ex that's the problem and he has manufactured this hostility between us but he's very manipulative and it was hard to see that's what was going on at the time, and now it's too late to salvage really

He plays you off against each other and you blame her?!

Singleandproud · 26/10/2023 11:00

Honestly, just manage your sons expectations. Surely you won't be inviting an ex you don't like to every important family function for the next 13 years. Nip it in the bud now and set the standard. If ex is too rubbish to buy a birthday cake for when DS is with him that's on him, it's not your job to make him a good dad.

You are setting yourself up for a stressful day when it should be fun. Children from separated parents get used to doing things differently - when their expectations are managed with love.

You also seem to have a fair bit of interaction with the new women if you see her EOW surely you just drop or DS is picked up by dad. You have no need to talk to the other women. You all sound far to involved with each other for people who don't get on. It's different for families who manage to gel but that's not happened here, you need strong, professional boundaries

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2023 11:18

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2023 10:27

You’re paying for it= your party= invite who you want and exclude who
you want!

I agree. Especially as she's been rude to you. If the father says anything you could say you didn't have to invite him either you're only doing that out of kindness and good will.

My friend is a step mum and she was excluded from a party- the next year she organized a much better one and didn't invite the mum. Quite petty yes. But this could happen so be warned!

Original poster

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 11:55

I'm really not trying to get into it with her at all, esp at my child's party. I just don't want to be uncomfortable for the duration of the event

OP posts:

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 26/10/2023 12:04

What are your plans going forward, do you plan to alternate birthdays?

EvilElsa · 26/10/2023 12:24

Has she actually said she is coming? Or are you just assuming? She may not even bother if you both have such a strong dislike of each other. I can't imagine I'd want to go to a kids party thrown by someone I detested.

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 12:27

So you think your ex is the problem but you’re hell bent on escalating the issue and making sure she can’t come to the party

i dunno op. I am going to guess that she will have a very different side to this.

so I am going to ask the obvious, are you jealous she’s with him and not you? Is that really why you want him there alone and won’t accept her in his life?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 26/10/2023 12:35

Why are you inviting your ex to a party he hasn't organised or contributed to?

He's not a guest, he's your DS's dad. Set expectations or you'll still be having joint birthdays that you're solely paying for ten years from now.

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 12:38

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 11:55

I'm really not trying to get into it with her at all, esp at my child's party. I just don't want to be uncomfortable for the duration of the event

You will be busy and focussed

offer her a drink
smile (not unkindly!)
and then keep your distance and focus on the birthday boy

StaunchMomma · 26/10/2023 12:40

If your DS isn't bothered about her being there and you're paying for the party then no, YANBU.

It's unreasonable to expect you to cater for someone who hates you in your own home. I'm sure it will be a fairly busy and potentially stressful day of prep and running around like a headless chicken, as kids parties tend to be; you don't have to accept being unsettled by her presence on top of that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 12:42

It's a small child's party, is he really going to miss his Dad being there? I think he'll have so much going on he'll hardly notice. It doesn't sound like your ex is going to turn up and be involved and helpful, he's just going to pretend he's not obnoxious for a couple of hours.

StaunchMomma · 26/10/2023 12:42

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 11:55

I'm really not trying to get into it with her at all, esp at my child's party. I just don't want to be uncomfortable for the duration of the event

And you don't have to be, OP.

It's your home and your expense. You are fully entitled to just say no!

stayathomer · 26/10/2023 12:49

yanbu to leave her out but it will help your son more to have her there and so get used to her being at occasions, thus not seeing her as being so seperate to family. Not what a mum wants I appreciate, but good for him. Btw I think having your ex there is really good too, a few of my ds's friends are in families that are no longer together and they have parties and holidays separate and my dses were saying they hate that they can't have everyone together.

TeaGinandFags · 26/10/2023 13:20

Jdishagahxb · 26/10/2023 10:33

Shit stirrers also tend to be liars. Next time he mouths off, record him. Find a way of getting her to listen to the recording. Note her reaction bc he's probably saying the same about you to her. THEN rethink your relationship with her. Your dc like her so she can't be all bad, so why would your ex want you both to be at each other's throats?

Re party I'd give ds the choice and the gf the benefit of the doubt until you know the truth. I get how you feel but you can play nicely for a couple of hours (and put her to work) if only for your dc's sake.

HauntedPencil · 26/10/2023 13:23

If relations are that bad, I'd suggest celebrating separately.

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2023 14:44

Considering this all seems very hostile, why on earth is his dad being invited?

Its a party for your ds with his friends.

Just tell DS that its a party for his birthday with his friends and so his dad won't be there, but he'll see him later/tomorrow/next week as normal.

Otherwise is this going to be a thing every year? I think stating your ds will be devastated is probably highly highly unlikely. Stacks of kids have parties without both parents being there, including ones whose parents are not separated.

I'd nip this inviting him to everything you organise for ds in the bud now, otherwise it'll just carry on for years as ds will expect it. You're making a rod for your own back with this.

If you insist on inviting him, then unfortunately if he brings his partner you are just going to have to suck it up really.

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