Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Regarding heating

50 replies

jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 20:49

Dh and I have been at loggerheads over the central heating. He wants the thermostat at a certain temp and I think it should be higher. I feel the cold more than him and we have a baby in the house too. I hate being cold and as I pay for half of the gas/electric costs I feel like I have the right to be warm in my own home.

We get into pathetic heating wars and each change the temp on our phone apps repeatedly. It started off being quite amusing but it's pissing me off now and feels quite controlling. Why do I need his permission and say so to turn the heating up in my own home?

When I lived alone I never felt like this and was always comfortable and warm. Im starting to feel very resentful. It isn't just this issue. While he isn't controlling about me going out, seeing friends that sort of thing, he does have this attitude of superiority about him like he's in charge at home and his word is final when it comes to things like this.

And yes of course I'm aware the cost of living has gone up but I guarantee if he were cold he would turn it on. I politely mentioned that if he's that worried about money he could give up his weekly fags and booze rather than his wife and child being cold, which didn't go down well. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
KnowledgeableMomma · 25/10/2023 20:55

Lots of couples have temperature issues when one runs hot and the other runs cold. You are going to have to come to a compromise. Perhaps you split hours of the day....from this time to this time YOU set the temp the way you like and from this hour to this hour HE sets the temp. Maybe M, W, F is your temp, Tu, Th, Sat is his. You get the idea. An electric blanket is a good idea for you (my daughter is always cold in the winter and loves having one to cuddle up in).

As to the air of superiority you mentioned, is this something new or he has been this way the entire time you've been together?

UsingChangeofName · 25/10/2023 20:59

Despite your OP trying to steer us to saying he is a total bastard and totally unreasonable, there's no way any of us can know that, without knowing what temperature you are both trying to live with, how much you have the heating on and how sensible you both are about wearing appropriate clothing for the weather.
Lots of couples have different heating levels that are comfortable for them. You work it out as a compromise between you. Being in a hot, stuffy house is just as uncomfortable for the hot blooded as being in a colder house is for the cold blooded.

Fionaville · 25/10/2023 21:01

Well I'm in the Northwest and haven't had the heating on yet as I don't think it's cold enough (much to DH delight) It's not even so much about the cost, it just seems wasteful at these temperatures. Unless your house isn't well insulated or is damp.
My DD had a sleepover last night and was sweating because they'd had the heating on.
I feel the cold, but it's still put an extra layer on weather, as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster
jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:01

@KnowledgeableMomma I feel like he's always been like it but it was less noticeable in the early days. He is the main breadwinner and is a few years older than me. Maybe that's why he feels like he gets to call the shots.

I know there has to be compromise but I just resent being made to feel like this in my own home, especially when I am paying towards the costs. He just feels like his way is the only way, lots of "how can you possibly be cold it's like a sauna in there" type comments.

OP posts:
AuContraire · 25/10/2023 21:02

He is BU.

Men don't feel the cold as much as women, so you will likely be colder than him at the same temperature.

Babies need to be warm too.

Gizlotsmum · 25/10/2023 21:02

Tricky. Me and DH have very different core temperatures. We maintain the house around 20 degrees, I wear jumpers and use blankets. He wears less.

How much clothing are you wearing, what temp do you want? What does he want?

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 25/10/2023 21:04

This really really depends on the temp you want vs what he wants.
if it’s already 19/21 and you want 23/24 then YABU.

if he wants 15 and you want 18 he’s BU.

and as for babies… lullaby trust says 16-20 for their sleeping room. Personally I thought 16 was cold, but really over 20 is not recommended.

Original poster
jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:04

Ok I know posters will get into debates about the temperature and how it's not even that cold yet and so on.

So I guess the actual issue is whether its unreasonable to be told what to do in this way? Basically having the heating turned off when I've turned it on because I'm cold? And the other day I turned the hot water on from my phone while I was out so that I could have a quick bath when I got home. He turned that off too so there wasn't enough water. Is it me or is that quite bossy/controlling?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 25/10/2023 21:04

We had this, husband runs very hot compared to me. We turned off the radiators in the rooms we didn’t use, put them lower on the room husband worked in, and got a small electric heater for the room the baby was in which is on a thermostat overnight. I got an electric blanket and some proper snuggly pyjamas and hoodie etc.

StarDolphins · 25/10/2023 21:05

I would take both your ideal temps & split down the middle to compromise.

But I would add a few extra degrees to my ideal so that ‘meeting in the middle’ was actually my ideal!🤣

Original poster
jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:06

He wants it at 18 for a few hours in the morning and the same in the evening. Then off all day. I would like it to be at 20 at least and possibly on for spells during the day if it's cold.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 25/10/2023 21:06

You need to work out why.

Cost?
Control?
He's too hot at your preferred temperature?
He's wearing jumpers and jeans, you are wearing t-shirt and shorts?

If he's actually a hotter person generally then you need to get warmer clothes, it's not as easy to cool down as it is to warm up.

VeniVidiWeeWee · 25/10/2023 21:07

Gizlotsmum · 25/10/2023 21:02

Tricky. Me and DH have very different core temperatures. We maintain the house around 20 degrees, I wear jumpers and use blankets. He wears less.

How much clothing are you wearing, what temp do you want? What does he want?

Not unless one of you is very ill.

Both your core temperatures should be about 98.6.

Gizlotsmum · 25/10/2023 21:07

So he shouldn’t be turning it off remotely if you have changed it, especially if he knows you are in the house. But he might have a point if you are running the house at a high temperature and not wearing additional layers.

cansu · 25/10/2023 21:08

So split the difference and go for 19 degrees.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 25/10/2023 21:09

No one can know if either of you are unreasonable because there is no information given .

Worriednanof1 · 25/10/2023 21:09

AuContraire · 25/10/2023 21:02

He is BU.

Men don't feel the cold as much as women, so you will likely be colder than him at the same temperature.

Babies need to be warm too.

Where did you get your statistics from? 🤣 other way round in our house!!

AuContraire · 25/10/2023 21:10

You pay half the bills even though he earns more than you?

BrideToBe2313123 · 25/10/2023 21:10

jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:06

He wants it at 18 for a few hours in the morning and the same in the evening. Then off all day. I would like it to be at 20 at least and possibly on for spells during the day if it's cold.

20 for a few hours to heat the house is fair enough.
'Spells' - what 'spells'?
How long would that be? Also what are you wearing around the house?

Original poster
jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:11

cansu · 25/10/2023 21:08

So split the difference and go for 19 degrees.

I have suggested this but apparently only 18 is acceptable.

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 25/10/2023 21:11

OK you did give some info it does not seem unreasonable to have at 18c for a few hrs a day .

ShirleyPhallus · 25/10/2023 21:12

jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:04

Ok I know posters will get into debates about the temperature and how it's not even that cold yet and so on.

So I guess the actual issue is whether its unreasonable to be told what to do in this way? Basically having the heating turned off when I've turned it on because I'm cold? And the other day I turned the hot water on from my phone while I was out so that I could have a quick bath when I got home. He turned that off too so there wasn't enough water. Is it me or is that quite bossy/controlling?

i turned the hot water on from my phone while I was out so that I could have a quick bath when I got home. He turned that off too so there wasn't enough water. Is it me or is that quite bossy/controlling?

I don’t say this lightly but I would have lost my fucking shit if someone did that to me.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2023 21:13

Personally the relationship would’ve failed at the first winter for me.

I have a warm house, it’s what I like and I’m used to and refuse to be cold at home.

Original poster
jedwardscissorhands27 · 25/10/2023 21:13

AuContraire · 25/10/2023 21:10

You pay half the bills even though he earns more than you?

I pay half towards the gas and electric precisely for this reason. I can't be arsed with the whole "I pay the bill so my word is final" argument. He pays the rest of the bills.

I just can't stand feeling monitored and restricted in my own home.

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 25/10/2023 21:14

Who is at home during the day? are you at home on mat leave and he is at work? Is he is remotely controlling the heating whilst he is out at work and you are at home ? (I know someone who thought this was a reasonable thing to do!)
You need to compromise and meet in the middle if you are both in the house but if you are on your own at home with the baby you should 100% be in control for that time. Just a thought.