Who is BU? Regarding heating

[jedwardscissorhands27]

Dh and I have been at loggerheads over the central heating. He wants the thermostat at a certain temp and I think it should be higher. I feel the cold more than him and we have a baby in the house too. I hate being cold and as I pay for half of the gas/electric costs I feel like I have the right to be warm in my own home.

We get into pathetic heating wars and each change the temp on our phone apps repeatedly. It started off being quite amusing but it's pissing me off now and feels quite controlling. Why do I need his permission and say so to turn the heating up in my own home?

When I lived alone I never felt like this and was always comfortable and warm. Im starting to feel very resentful. It isn't just this issue. While he isn't controlling about me going out, seeing friends that sort of thing, he does have this attitude of superiority about him like he's in charge at home and his word is final when it comes to things like this.

And yes of course I'm aware the cost of living has gone up but I guarantee if he were cold he would turn it on. I politely mentioned that if he's that worried about money he could give up his weekly fags and booze rather than his wife and child being cold, which didn't go down well. Who is being unreasonable?

I think you won't resolve this until you find out WHY he's behaving like this. Its totally unreasonable to control you like this (the hot water thing would have sent me in a rage) if it's just about money or him 'being right'.

If he's genuinely too hot, that's fair enough - if he's doing it because he thinks you're being wasteful or just wrong, then he needs to cop on. If you're cold you're cold. I also hate living in a cold house too, it's not great for many reasons especially if you have the money for bills.

Who is at home during the day?

If it’s all of you, you need to find a compromise which is based on temperature guidelines for the baby. If it’s just one parent at a time, then it’s reasonable for the person at home to select a comfortable safe temperature.

Boosting the temperature is the morning/ evening for bath/ shower time is something we do.

It’s not ok for him to turn off the hot water.

And yes, if money is a worry then unnecessary extras like cigarettes and alcohol need to be given up before heating.

We both wfh so we're both home.

He just doesn't feel the cold as much as me and sees it as wasteful. I wear jumpers/sweatshirts. I'm not mincing around in shorts and T-shirt.

Someone who spends money on smoking has got a bloody nerve calling central heating wasteful!

It was studied. Women feel cold at higher temperatures than men.

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-021-03121-1

(where it says "gender", it means sex)

I feel the cold and really couldn't stand this. You really shouldn't have to, but could you split the bills so that you pay the electric (or gas?) and he pays something else? That way you could put the heating on as you wished, as you would be the one paying the bill.

Quite.

The key words in your OP is about using a mobile app to "control" your heating. Hopefully you still have heating that you can manually overide.
Then you can compromise on the temperature in different rooms - some to 'his' colder temp and then the baby's room and 'your' room at warmer temps. Ensuring cooler temps in all rooms for the main sleeping times.

How is different from you telling he can't have it lower?

I’m like you and feel the cold all the time so this would piss me off. So it’s probably at this point I’d go get a portable heater, thermals, gloves, scarf and hat. I’d wear it all and walk from room to room with the portable. Then I’d get a second duvet for myself for the bed and heated blankets for the sofa. I’d make a really really big and annoying deal about it. And I’d say out loud ‘sorry little one you’ve got to wear your hat and scarf again because daddy is a tightfisted fucker and won’t let us put the heating on, again’.

Right, so you are both at home, and both comfortable / uncomfortable at different temperatures.

So why not turn the radiator down in his study, and up a bit in the living room ?

Him turning of the hot water so you couldn't have a bath is not on.

Some central heating systems have radiator controls so you can switch radiators on and off.

I'd suggest that if you are both home you turn down the radiator in the room he is usually in during the day (possibly to no flow at all as it'll get heat from nearby rooms) and turn up the ones in the room(s) where you usually are during the day,

Failing that cats and dogs are pretty good hot water bottles.

(I used to have this with my FIL, he gave up in the end when I was eating lunch in ski socks, snow boots, tracksuit, two jumpers and a coat. I'm disabled and the cold really makes me ill)

Unless you’re living in Scotland or somewhere very cold, then there’s no need for the hearing to be on.

If you’re cold put another layer on.

Maybe that's why he feels like he gets to call the shots.

But you also feel like you should be making the shots? Maybe he feels like he shouldn't need your permission to feel comfortable in his own home? It does go both ways.

I had this with an ex. He ran cold and I ran warm. His house always felt sweltering to me but he would be perfectly fine in it. If I stayed over, I might have spent some time in one room while he was out and had the window open, enjoying the nice cool breeze, just for him to come back and start moaning that it was fucking freezing. We couldn't have lived together. I got my own back on his jungle like environment, I suppose, when he would stay at mine, and I'd have the heating off with a window cracked open in the bedroom! 😂

Heat is a very difficult one to compromise on. Is there not some temperature that is in the middle of what you both would like?

Don't be ridiculous. Why should she be cold in her own home? And what about the baby? Should it be bundled up indoors to stay warm?

Ignore the competitive coldness.18C is cold IMO and clearly you feel the same.
I absolutely get your problem, it's unreasonable to be permanently uncomfortable/ cold in your own home . If you were struggling badly to pay bills I would understand up to a point but that's not the issue.
Relationships are about consideration and compromise. You need to talk to him so he realises this is not a joke. If he is too warm he can turn the heat off in the room he works in. At the same time you should be able to some rooms warm and cosy.

Do you have thermostatic valves on radiators you could use so your room ends up a bit warmer?

You're right though, it's about the dynamics of how you resolve it rather than the numbers per se. He's completely uninterested in your comfort and he thinks the decision is his, not yours. That doesn't sound normal for a loving relationship. He should care about how you feel and listen to what you think.

This isn't about the heating. This is about the OPs partner seeing himself as king if the castle. Dictating whether the OP could have a bath made that very clear.

I think a lot of men can edge toward this behaviour. Not because they're intrinsically bellends but because society socialises men and women very differently and it's not usually the males encouraged to 'compromise' their own needs for others. You can only tackle it by calling it out.

I had the odd issue like this with DH when we first started living together (although not over heating). When I calmly pointed out it was patriarchal bullshit it stopped because he is a decent man who only needs telling once.

That was a constant battle with my ex for whom 18 degrees was "warm". Now I'm dating someone with the same energy levels and same feeling of cold. I love it :) but I guess too late to get divorced now.

Not unless one of you is very ill.

Both your core temperatures should be about 98.6.

They clearly mean that one feels the heat more than the other.

It's 9C outside, I've no idea what it is indoors as I don't have a thermostat, but I'm in the front room with the heating off and a window open, in a t-shirt and shorts and it's fine, it's optimal for me. I'm sure other people on this thread would be shivering. People are different. I get headaches and start feeling irritable and sick when it's too warm inside.

Ultimately, OP, neither of you can have it your way the time, so it does need sorting. He will have to be too warm sometimes, and you will have to be too cold sometimes. Such is life, now it's just about getting him to listen to that. Personally, I think I'd threaten to end it, I couldn't live with someone who had such a different temperature "mileage" to me, it would be torturous every winter. Have you considered turning the water off when he wants a bath? Petty I know, but definitely what I'd do...

And mine!

20 degrees! Our thermostat is currently set to 14.
That aside, I don’t think it’s fair that he gets the final say when you pay for half. If I would you I’d just stop paying for half. If he wants full control he can have the full bill.

if it’s already 19/21 and you want 23/24 then YABU.

Why? If OP is cold and uncomfortable then she's cold and uncomfortable.

18 would be too cold for me. 20 is preferable and more comfortable so i agree with you OP.

Can you do something that really annoys him to get your own back? Like unplug his phone from the charger every time because "it costs money to charge a phone" 😀

Why do I need his permission and say so to turn the heating up in my own home?

For the same reason you think he needs your permission to turn it down in his own home, presumably.

I used to have thermostat wars with my ex husband, but he was the one who wanted it on at 22 degrees while I thought I was going to expire. I now have my own house at 15 degrees and am happy. It's a complete myth that women like it hot and men like it cold - it's just personal preference, and what's uncomfortable for one person (either way) is comfortable for another.

If you're going to share a house with your husband, he has to have it a bit warmer than he'd ideally like, and you need to put another jumper on.