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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice relationship/abortion

38 replies

heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 20:36

Firstly I am well aware of how this shouldn't have happened. Not here for critism for advice.

I found out recently I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided to have an abortion.

I stand by my decision however it has been a difficult decision for me. Black and white thinking for him with no emotion. Almost unbothered.

He went away with the lads for a weekend there and left me to go through abortion alone.

We are in our 30s and have been together 4 years.

AIBU for feeling totally abandoned by him. I feel so hurt and rejected and I am questioning the validity of our relationship.

I am also aware my hormones are all over the place and unsure if I am over reacting. Reason for post to reach clarity.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 20:39

I do think men can separate themselves from pregnancy because it's not a physical reality for them.

However, being there to support you is important. Did you express that you wanted him there?

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 20:49

I never considered that. I did have pretty bad pregnancy symptoms so I guess he wasn't feeling all that.

I didn't express this to him however I think it was pretty obvious I was struggling with it all. Been upset not sleeping had to take time off work.

Thanks for replying

OP posts:
Georgeandzippyzoo · 25/10/2023 20:55

I would like to think that you shouldnt have had to tell him you needed support and for him to be there.
I do get he might not feel emotional etc but he should have known YOU would and I agree I'd be questioning where your relationship is heading.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 21:00

Thanks. Yeah I am of the mindset he is a grown man and should have considered my feelings.

OP posts:
TeeedleDum · 25/10/2023 22:05

He should 100% be there for you. It's his responsibility too and he should be there to look after you. I'd be furious. Hope you're ok x

Eddielizzard · 25/10/2023 22:07

Incredibly hurtful

Hankunamatata · 25/10/2023 22:08

In an ideal world yes he should be all supportive however in my experience I have to be quite plain with my husband and tell him what I need and what I want

HungryandIknowit · 25/10/2023 22:14

I think it depends what he's like the rest of the time. Is he usually empathetic and supportive? If not I would be questioning things tbh.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 22:45

Thank you

OP posts:
EtiennePalmiere · 25/10/2023 22:52

That's appalling, so sorry you had to go through it alone, tough mentally and physically. Unfortunately I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

EtiennePalmiere · 25/10/2023 22:53

Have you told him he should have been there for you? What did he say?

Caerulea · 25/10/2023 22:56

I'd have been crushed, honestly. He should not have needed telling that you'd need support & I'm afraid I'd be questioning everything.

Evaka · 25/10/2023 23:07

I'm sorry for you OP. Did he leave you alone over the period you'd taken the pills and were expected to pass the pregnancy? Shocking if so.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:11

No Ifeel he would minimise it and call me selfish. Guess that's red flag in itself.

OP posts:
Malarandras · 25/10/2023 23:13

Obviously you are not being unreasonable. The only question I have is why is he not now your ex-boyfriend? There is no point to him in your life. Ditch him and focus on you.

vipersnest1 · 25/10/2023 23:14

You shouldn't have needed to tell him that he should be there with you, @heavyheart87 - as an adult, he should have known that.
This is a horrible time for you, I know, but when you're ready, it might be time to re-think your relationship with him.
A partner is a partner in all things, not just when they want to be.

EtiennePalmiere · 25/10/2023 23:18

There are some relationships where you feel lonelier than actually being alone.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:19

This is the question I have been asking myself. Guess I have been trying to make sense of it. Time to let go I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:20

Very true

OP posts:
Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:24

He was there when I took pills. In normal circumstances should pass 4-6 hours. Unfortunately it didn't pass until days later which was when he was away. I thought maybe passed and didn't notice.

OP posts:
WithIcePlease · 25/10/2023 23:27

For either a medical or surgical termination, someone should surely have been with you? Neither is a procedure I'd be left alone after.
I don't think he should have needed telling tbh

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:30

Yeah I remember hospital asking if there would be a responsible adult with me. He went to work the day I took pills and said to phone if anything happened he could come home. The more I speak the more I realise

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 23:32

I'm so sorry, I went through this a few years ago with an ex fling that I'd had a one off additional hook up with and I was gutted he wasn't there for me - he said he'd come with me, he did hungover, but then left immediately and left me alone at home to actually complete it while he went off to a bbq and didn't even message to see how I was. It felt like he'd just come to be sure I'd gone through with this. I was so so so upset by being left alone by this guy who wasn't even my boyfriend- to hear yours has gone off on a lads trip is so awful.

My only thought is have you told him you're finding it really tough and you would feel a lot better if he was with you cuddling and comforting you, might he assume that you're feeling what he is (relief?)

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:32

I say he was there. He was there when I took tablets but did go to work after

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 23:33

So if you explain how you feel you should get a massive apology. If you don't you've got a snapshot into what your future will look like if you get unemployed or have cancer or are bereaved and need his empathy and
Support