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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feed fussy DS anything for dinner?

53 replies

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 20:21

He’s 8 and a very fussy eater. Dinner was sausage mash and peas. He used to eat all of these things but has gone off mash and peas in the last year or so. I thought he would at least eat the sausage but he has refused that too. He doesn’t care about food and would happily go to bed with no dinner.

Honestly I am at a loss for how to handle this. I’ve always subscribed to the “it’s my job to present the food, it is his job to decide what to eat” school of thought but if that ends up with him eating literally nothing, then what?

OP posts:

EmmaDilemma5 · 24/10/2023 20:24

If it's a one off meal he's not eating, then I wouldn't worry. If he's regularly refusing meals, then can you involve him more when it comes to meal planning? Ask him what he'd like and try to incorporate as much as possible?

If he's becoming so fussy that it's getting impossible, could you speak to a GP for guidance?

IHaveAskedYouThriceNow · 24/10/2023 20:27

When you say very fussy how fussy do you mean?

My ds is probably autistic and eats very few foods. He’d starve if he didn’t have safe foods.

If this is the case for your ds YABU. If it’s a phase and he’s generally eating enough then YANBU.

WillowCraft · 24/10/2023 20:28

It depends on his weight and what else he's eaten. Underweight (by which I mean medically underweight not just a normal slim child) and not eaten since lunch, seek medical advice. Healthy weight and eaten some kind of afternoon snack, leave him be.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 24/10/2023 20:28

Just give him a slice of bread and butter and a glass of milk and ignore the whole thing.

BooseysMom · 24/10/2023 20:29

I know exactly what you're going through. My DS is 9 and his fussy eating has got worse and worse. I don't know whether to do what my DM did to me and make me sit at the table until I had had one more mouth full of whatever it was I hated, or just don't make an issue of it! I tend to sway between the two.

Nothankyou22 · 24/10/2023 20:30

Me and my son both have autism and my daughter can be fussy, I cook 3 meals most nights so we all eat.
I hated going to bed hungry as a kid

ScarboroughHair · 24/10/2023 20:33

I do let mine have a slice of bread and cheese or similar rather than go to bed on an empty stomach. I think no dinner at all is too harsh but I can't cook multiple meals.

DNLove · 24/10/2023 20:33

Generally kids that are that fussy have a sensory issue. The more you pressure the child the more they'll push back. Do a mini platter, with the snack bits child likes while also putting some chopped up sausage on it. They'll start with what they like and the appetite might be piqued and they may pick at the sausage.
Also do they eat a school dinner, have snack when they get in from school, are they actually hungry at that time.
Also check their iron level, low iron can kill the appetite. Could be low from a limited diet. Start with some iron gummies and see if there is an increase in appetite.

WandaWonder · 24/10/2023 20:38

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 24/10/2023 20:28

Just give him a slice of bread and butter and a glass of milk and ignore the whole thing.

We did this, still fussy but always ways around it and I am not fighting over it

Augustone · 24/10/2023 20:38

Both of my DC went through a similar phase. I got so down thinking of and preparing meals to give them only for noses to be turned up and food in the bin.

For a short period, they were presented with weetabix for their evening meal with 'eat it or be hungry, its up to you'. They grew bored and asked for proper meals pretty quick.

Both are now over 6 feet tall and in robust health so it didn't seem to do any long term harm!

Original poster

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 20:41

IHaveAskedYouThriceNow · 24/10/2023 20:27

When you say very fussy how fussy do you mean?

My ds is probably autistic and eats very few foods. He’d starve if he didn’t have safe foods.

If this is the case for your ds YABU. If it’s a phase and he’s generally eating enough then YANBU.

He doesn’t seem to have too many issues when it comes to complete junk - he’d live on crisps, fizzy drink and sweets given half a chance.

I’ve looked into ARFID before and he doesn’t seem to be quite that restrictive in his diet but he’s just completely unmotivated by food.

Neurodiversity is a possibility.

OP posts:

Createausername1970 · 24/10/2023 20:41

I was in the "I am not a cafe" camp, so I wouldn't cook another meal, but I was happy for him to have cereal, toast, cheese and crackers or something else like that if he was hungry later.

I didn't immediately bin the unwanted dinner though. Sometimes hunger got the better of him and he ate the original meal.

Cake, sweets, pudding, ice cream, or anything perceived to be "nicer" was not an option - unless he ate the original meal.

Goldbar · 24/10/2023 20:42

I would offer a cheese sandwich or something that is "safe" for him but otherwise unexciting. I don't think it's ever worth making food into an issue if it can be avoided.

Original poster

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 20:44

Augustone · 24/10/2023 20:38

Both of my DC went through a similar phase. I got so down thinking of and preparing meals to give them only for noses to be turned up and food in the bin.

For a short period, they were presented with weetabix for their evening meal with 'eat it or be hungry, its up to you'. They grew bored and asked for proper meals pretty quick.

Both are now over 6 feet tall and in robust health so it didn't seem to do any long term harm!

I think he would absolutely happy to eat crackers or cereal every day TBH

OP posts:

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 24/10/2023 20:47

When DS was 2 and a half, his little sister was born. We had a health visitor call for the usual checks and I mentioned to her that DS didn’t seem to be eating, he was very fussy.

HV advised me to stop snacks, offer meals and if he refused he went without. She said if he was hungry he would eat. He wouldn’t starve himself and it’s all bad habits. I need to set boundaries.

I kept this up for almost a week, until I broke down as he just wouldn’t eat. He was becoming weak, not passing anything, and just a shell of this boisterous two year old I once had. I phoned the GP who referred him to the hospital as he was very dehydrated. He spent 4 days in a ward, on a drip. Refusing to eat. He would literally throw up as he was eating it as he couldn’t do it.

They agreed to let him home once he had eaten something they offered. He kept refusing, until in the end they gave up and said I should give him what he would eat, as something was better than nothing.

He was referred to a dietician who then referred him to a psychologist, and by the time he was 10 he was diagnosed with Asperger’s. (Obviously there was more to it than just food, however that was one of our early signs)

He is now 20, and living 200 miles away from home for uni and has had many referrals to eating disorder clinics. Just yesterday he was admitted to A and E as he collapsed in a lecture, likely as he isn’t eating enough. (Massive shout out to the mumsnetter who picked him up and ensured he got back to campus!)

Even as an adult he needs constant reminders to eat (and shower 🙄) as he doesn’t quite grasp how important it is, which is worrying for someone who is extremely intelligent!

My point… if he isn’t eating what you have offered, don’t stress. Try again at the next mealtime. Ask him if he is hungry and give him a couple of options to choose from.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/10/2023 20:48

The reason junk food is generally accepted by fussy eaters is because it rarely differes each time you eat it.
Crisps taste the same, same texture.
Fizzy drinks provide sensation in the mouth that some find appealing, others will not. Sweets, again, usually factory made and uniform, reliable texture and taste.
Same with most beige foods tbh.

All of mine have sensory issues with foods, only one is diagnosed with AFRID but they get what they ask for from an already approved list.
Otherwise it is porridge or toast.

Original poster

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 20:50

And yes it makes me really despondent - I used to love cooking and it’s making every meal time a misery.. Just so fed up of any attempt not to feed him junk being greeted with howls of protest.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 24/10/2023 20:56

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 20:44

I think he would absolutely happy to eat crackers or cereal every day TBH

Show quote history

Then I would let him have a bowl of cereal before bed rather than nothing.

Nowherenew · 24/10/2023 21:07

I wouldn’t make my child go hungry.

I have a very fussy child (ND) and it can be so frustrating but I liken it to someone making me eat mushrooms (which I can’t stand).

If you’re not sure if he’s going to eat the main meal then just serve him up a small portion of whatever you’re having.

But make sure there is an alternative like cereal, sandwiches, cheese and crackers etc.

You could even ask him to take one bite of the main meal (or a couple of bites) before he gets his alternative food.

Its very risky to get into the habit of him skipping meals.

BitofaStramash · 24/10/2023 21:13

my job to present the food, it is his job to decide what to eat” school of thought but if that ends up with him eating literally nothing, then what?

This just doesn't work for very fussy eaters. You will just make good even more of an issue.

Feed him what he will eat

Gremlins101 · 24/10/2023 21:21

If mine won't eat dinner they get toast and butter. I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving them hungry as a once off but I hate them then telling me they're hungry when they're already in bed and I don't want to have to do anything about it!!

Original poster

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 21:26

I find it all quite difficult to manage around my other child - younger, a bit fussy but not abnormally so - he can be encouraged to try new foods and go out of his comfort zone, will eat healthy balanced meals, but he’d happily eat beige food all day long. How does it not end up looking like the older one is getting preferential treatment for being fussy?

OP posts:

Satch76 · 24/10/2023 21:28

My son has autism and most certainly ARFID, although undiagnosed.
This is managed between home and specialist provision as we all know his safe foods - he has a packed lunch and no one would ever deviate from this, as quite simply if we did he would starve.
He only eats bread, ready salted crisps and yo-yo bears.
I would rather him eat just that than nothing at all, and I wouldn't dream of sending him to bed hungry if I offered something else and he wouldn't eat it. Pick your battles also!

ManchesterLu · 24/10/2023 21:29

Unless he's ND, if he doesn't eat what's cooked (unless you've made something you know he doesn't like) he shouldn't be given anything other than cereal or something similarly boring. And not nice cereal either, literally cornflakes.

Original poster

CroccyWoccy · 24/10/2023 21:29

Gremlins101 · 24/10/2023 21:21

He has never in his whole life told me he’s hungry! He will pester for snacks/treats but he’s literally never said he is hungry.

OP posts:

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