To not feed fussy DS anything for dinner?

[CroccyWoccy]

He’s 8 and a very fussy eater. Dinner was sausage mash and peas. He used to eat all of these things but has gone off mash and peas in the last year or so. I thought he would at least eat the sausage but he has refused that too. He doesn’t care about food and would happily go to bed with no dinner.

Honestly I am at a loss for how to handle this. I’ve always subscribed to the “it’s my job to present the food, it is his job to decide what to eat” school of thought but if that ends up with him eating literally nothing, then what?

Personally, I've never understood "food battles", as long as your children are eating "something" with a modicum of nutritional value, be it, pasta, potatoes, dairy, nuggets, veg, fruit etc then all will resolve?

Surely, we all, as adults know which foods we prefer, taste wise? Why should it be different for our youngsters?

I just feel like we’re bombarded with so much information about the importance of healthy diets, the dangers of ultra processed foods etc etc…it’s hard not to feel like I’m failing him if 90% of what he eats is UPF.

I used to cook meals that were healthy and balanced & a batch of plain boiled pasta as an alternative. No butter, ketchup, sauce or anything for the pasta alternative. I'd batch cook both for the week.

I could do this but the non-fussy one would gorge on plain pasta at the expense of the healthy meal.

@CroccyWoccy You are not failing him 🙂You're his Mum and who, other than you, knows what is best for him?

You won't let him starve, THAT is enough, try not to worry 🌻

I would have given an emergency sandwich for dinner and asked him to help meal plan.

It is depressing and difficult with a younger one as well.

Agree with PP about feeding safe foods (dietician at CAMHS told us to do this and increase amounts and not worry that they are mostly 'unhealthy', try to cycle the foods - we go plain pasta, plain rice, different type of plain pasta etc - so there is some variation as we lost some items from his diet after he had them everyday for ages)

The other things we are doing is a play plate (new food with no pressure to eat but starting with tolerating it's presence and building up to touching it and then maybe we will get into eating), food chaining (extending from what they eat in one way, changing flavour, changing texture) and also a reward chart with list of food to try (again starting from touching with hands, next with lips and eventually to eating) and rewards which is supposed to work well for overcoming anxiety if the child is part of the planning of it. Have had some success with all of these.

Good luck and maybe speak to GP for some more support. We got referred to CAMHS and about to get a sensory assessment and has been helpful

I hope the thread title is a joke for starters! Just incase it’s not - do not ever let you child go to bed with no food for any reason unless specifically told to do so by a health care professional. I don’t care what anyone says, even for one night it’s neglect and I cannot believe a parent would even dream of doing it. Withholding food causes eating disorders. How can he ever trust you if you can’t be trusted to feed him just because he’s gone off a meal like adults do. He’s a child, feed him what he will eat. How is that any worse than him eating nothing and potentially screwing with his metabolism and blood sugars and energy? Food plays a vital role in everything we do, it’s so important to not skip a meal. Some kids are fussy which resolves itself. This is not a new problem. There are thousands of adults who were fussy children and they are just fine. Some kids are ND. I was a ND child with an extremely restricted diet and as an adult I can now eat a whole range of foods. Feed him cereal, toast or whatever he will eat and make an appointment with your GP. You will need to learn to manage your other child’s expectations around food whilst your fussy child eats what foods he can.

Just wanted to give my solidarity. My eldest - age 7 - is very fussy and eats a high UPF diet. I have a daily battle between just giving her what she wants and pushing her to trust new things (advised by dietitian). My only advice is not to stop serving peas/mash/sausage as they may return to “safe”.

I also have a younger normally fussy child who has picked up some bad habits . It’s really hard. I’m sure you’re doing your best.

I'd put his meal in front of him and if he didn't eat it he didn't eat it. He'd be sat at the table though. Unless he's underweight he won't starve himself. You say he ate this same meal last year so it's not about not liking it he's just being a fuss pot. I'd offer a drink of milk. I expect he'll just eat a bit more breakfast tomorrow.

A fussy eater will starve themselves though.

Yes I find it so hard not to resent the fact that my youngest could have a varied, high quality diet if I want constantly having to bend to DS’s restrictive diet.

My son who is now a strapping 23 year old was a PITA to feed as a toddler. He lived on chicken nuggets and bananas for a long time ! He eventually decided for himself that he wanted different food.

My 4 year old is very similar. Like PP, we have a rotation of plain food that gets served alongside whatever me and DH are eating so there's always something for him. I randomly give him a biscuit or yoghurt after dinner too. Never linked to how much he has or hasn't eaten. We only have one but I totally understand the problem with having a younger child. I was incredibly fussy as a child and it definitely had an impact on my younger brother - he, however, has grown up to eat absolutely everything, trained as a chef and worked in restaurants for about 15 years so it did him no long term damage.

I feel for you! I would give him what he will eat and keep unemotional and low key about it.
I had a very fussy eater - he ate pretty much anything until he was about 2 then started refusing things he had previously liked and would actually be sitting at the table gagging on something he had happily eaten the week before. He would choose to go hungry rather than eat something he no longer liked.
Eventually he only ate plain pasta ( no sauce, no butter, etc), jam sandwiches, porridge and yoghurt. There was a small selection of fruit and veg he would accept if served separately as snacks.
I was tearing my hair out and really worried about his nutrition. I gave him the multivitamin gummy bears and he drank lots of milk for protein. And had plain pasta almost every night for tea. This went on for years!
He started widening his diet again in his early teens and now eats a good range. He is a strapping 6 foot 19 year old now.
Try not to worry too much. I felt like a total failure when all my friends children were eating ‘proper’ food but he got enough of what he needed, even if it was very repetitive and boring (in my eyes).

Offer him some things he does like - toast, yogurt, apple etc, then just get on with it, it’s just food, no need for drama or reward and punishment.

One of mine is what people call “fussy”. She often sits at the table with a bowl of weetabix while we all eat a more traditional dinner, although at 12 she has suddenly started to branch out and actually ask to try new things.

It will pass. Just get the calories in, plus some multivitamins and iron, and let it pass without comment.

Why?

Try cooking with him. Made a big difference with one of ours.

Re keeping younger child’s diet varied - would it be possible to plan meals around what oldest one will eat but add variations? We used to make lots of pasta based meals with sauces - tuna pasta, spaghetti bolognaise, macaroni cheese, etc, and the rest of us had that while pasta boy had his without added sauce. If we had something different I just did a separate small pan of pasta in addition which wasn’t too much trouble.
Although it was frustrating and limiting. And I can see the difficulty if your younger one just wants the pasta too - sometimes our other DC did, but quickly found it a bit boring.

But they were eating this food before so do like it.

Because OP said he like cereals. If he's hungry he'll eat.

@caringcarer - You didn’t suggest giving him cereal for dinner though, you advised leaving him hungry.

Quite obviously he has changed his mind! Have you never gone off a type of food? Or just really not fancied it at some point? Imagine if someone told you “You used to like it” and insisted that you must eat it or go hungry…

It would unkind to do that to an adult (and just weird) so why do it to a younger family member who you care about and respect?

DC can also learn to cook or prefer their own food, if parents don’t want the faff or preparing different things.

No, food was provided that he had previously liked. The child chose not to eat it. The child's choice to go hungry, if indeed he felt hungry. Maybe he just didn't feel hungry. If the child is not underweight missing one meal won't hurt them as I said they may eat a bit more cereal the next morning.

I agree with this. Feed him what he will eat.
Safe, predictable foods and offer some variety here and there but on a take it or leave it basis.
Fussy eaters do not mind repetitive as it's nice and reassuring.
Texture will almost certainly be at the bottom of this.
If he likes dry, crunchy, savoury foods start there. Don't get too hung up on healthy foods, just get enough calories down. He will be more likely to eat if you take the heat out of trying new foods and things he doesn't like.
I have survived two of these at home and both widened their palates in their teens.