to expect a bit of help

[QueenieL]

I have 3 DS aged 9-13 who currently do absolutely nothing around the house. I’m not expecting them to do chores (or maybe I should?) just general ‘maintenance’. Dirty clothes in washing baskets, wet towels picked up, toilet chains to be flushed, I’d love the milk to be put away after breakfast and the odd dish to make it to the dishwasher. That’s light hearted as its not major things but reality is, they’re terrible. Wet muddy clothes left inside out in random places, uniforms in balls on floors, cupboards left wide open and contents spread across the floor, wrappers from snacks ripped up and left all over carpets. My husband has severe ADHD so also absolutely shocking and I’m sure the 4 of them couldn’t actually function if I wasn’t there.

Problem is, I don’t know what’s reasonable with boys of that age and as my husband is just as bad if not worse, I don’t know what I can/should expect. I just know that I’m so constantly so busy with the dog, my job and then this pack of wild animals, that I’m about to hit rock bottom. I've tried to change things but just feel like I'm always nagging which isn’t me.

YABU – they’re children and its part of your job I’m afraid to be their mum! Stop the nagging

YANBU – this isn’t acceptable and they need to sort it out

If I’m not being unreasonable, tips to help me please!!

All mine are expected to do what you said (similar age range) plus emptying bins, hoovering and outside cleaning as chores.
For each none toilet flush they lose 20min of electronically time - my bugbear

You shouldn’t be expecting them to help; you should be expecting reasonable contribution including from your husband

you've let them get to 13 without teaching them that a degree of clearing up after themselves? YABU

All mine have adhd. I don't nag. I call each one and show them the item left out and tell them where it needs to go. They have gotten better overtime as it has sunk in that it's easier to put milk away, shoes away, uniform etc than being called away from what they are doing to do it.
Dont get me wrong there are days I just do it myself as can't be arsed with grumbling.
We also do 20min house tidy all together after dinner. Everyone gets a room and they do a tidy up of what's in there.

Clothes go in the laundry basket or the don't get washed.
Milk goes off the can't have cereal etc.
Rubbish on the floor. Just absolutely wrong and they need to be punished for that properly.

And I'm sorry but whether your husband has ADHD or not doesn't excuse him being a dirty sod and not flushing the loo etc.

@Hankunamatata I do the same!

Yes, it's more longwinded in the short term, but my DS (13) is getting better!
When I call him he often knows exactly what he didn't tidy away! Lazy kid!

I wish people would stop using ADHD as a get out of jail free card. Does you DH work? Does he leave rubbish lying around at his work place. Forget to do things at work? A lot of these "hopeless" husbands manage just fine at work then it's like they switch their brain off when they step through the front door of the house.

Your sons should absolutely be picking up after themselves and doing chores. You're doing them a disservice by not encouraging this. Part of the job of a parent is to raise their kids to be functioning, independent adults.

I have a 16yo DSS and it's hard because teenage boys are really lazy and thoughtless. He does the dishwasher when he stays here. He's also supposed to do his own washing and change his own bedsheets. Which he rarely does but we then don't do it for him and he ends up with no clean clothes and filthy bedsheets. But he has to love with those natural consequences I don't so not my problem.

It'll be even harder to encourage your sons to pull their weight when their dad doesn't so you need to get him onboard and stop making excuses for him. Stop doing everyone's washing, go on strike for a week. Leave the milk out so the next time they want cereal it's sour. Yes, it'll be annoying living in a messy house but maybe then they'll get the picture.

What's reasonable for your boys is reasonable for anyone whomlives with other people. My brothers and I were expected to do chores at that age, and clean up after ourselves. There's no way we would have been allowed to do what you've described. They aren't 'helping' you, they are doing their bit for the famiy/ household. Make the expectations clear and have consequences if they don't adhere to them.

Your sons have learnt by watching your husband, I’m afraid.

Why shouldn't they help?

I have 4 boys aged 9 yo 15 and it’s been the longest slowest slog. Have a talk and tell them you’re not expecting them to do all the housework but it’s not your job to do everything for 5 people and you want some of your life back for them as much as anything. Tell them if clothes don’t go into basket they won’t get washed, that you won’t get new milk if old isn’t used/ got rid of etc. tell them treats and money are going to be dependent on people helping. And best of luck op, none of us have fully mastered this but it’s a big difference when people start helping!

That's maybe how it sounds to an outsider but trust me, I started teaching them from a very young age with all the basic skills. They were great when they were younger and helped out to what I felt was age appropriate. They also seemed to generally mange themselves much better too. Its only since they've become older that they've gone feral and no amount of asking, showing, reminding, nagging seems to work. Its the same things day in day out so I was wondering whether I'm simply asking too much from boys this age.

I’m not expecting them to do chores

Why not?

Your husband is a man child who doesn’t respect you and your 3 sons follow his lead.

My ds is 7 and he has a reasonable amount of chores - dishwasher, tidy up toys after himself and his baby sister. At the bare minimum he puts all his dirty laundry away, dishes in the dishwasher, empties school bag and clothes away, basically tidied up after himself: dh is also very hands on, we wouldn't allow anything else.

Tried to respond to you but didn't really know what I was doing and wrote a separate message.
That's maybe how it sounds to an outsider but trust me, I started teaching them from a very young age with all the basic skills. They were great when they were younger and helped out to what I felt was age appropriate. They also seemed to generally mange themselves much better too. Its only since they've become older that they've gone feral and no amount of asking, showing, reminding, nagging seems to work. Its the same things day in day out so I was wondering whether I'm simply asking too much from boys this age.

Thanks.
When I say my husband is bad, I mean with the mess and random piles of chaos. He's not dirty and flushes the toilet!!

There has to be consequences though?

I don’t know what’s reasonable with boys of that age

This is a huge part of your problem. Boys of that age can do everything that girls of that age can do, and the things youve mentioned any human over the age of about 6 can do. They don’t get away with stuff because they are young boys. They need to show their home and their mum some basic respect and do the things you mentioned. Make it clear you need the support and keep reiterating that they need to do these things. If one leaves a towel on the floor don’t pick it up, send them to, every single time. Doing things for them is letting you down and them, they need to be self sufficient when they grow up.

It’s not expecting them to ‘help’ you, it’s expecting them to do THEIR bit to look after themselves, the washing is your job presumably, but hunting round the house for it isn’t, so them putting it in the basket isn’t helping you, it’s doing their job. The toilet flushing needs consequences - lost iPad time etc. everything else either when you notice they stop their activity to sort it or live with the consequences (no milk tomorrow as it’s off, no clean clothes etc) if you don’t want to live in the mess just black bag everything left out daily and put in the garage, the panic when they think they’ve nothing to wear should make it stick. I pause the tv and won’t resume it if Ifind stuff my kids should have sorted, it gets resumed when it’s done

Thank you, you’re right. I’m making excuses for them and it’s not acceptable.

Thank you for all of your replies. I think I just needed to hear your comments.
There’s a lack of respect and I’ve definitely been making excuses for them. I’ll try some of the tips and get a bit firmer…..With my husband too!!

My children from a young age have always known how to flush a toilet, hang up a towel, put their laundry in the basket, carry their plate/glass/cutlery from the table to the dishwasher, tidy away their toys, hang up their coats, put away their shoes, etc,

Certainly from the the age your youngest is they also made their bed in the morning, opened/closed curtains, loaded and unloaded dishwasher, put their laundry away.

Everyone helps in this house - we all help tidy up after a meal, I regularly get everyone together to do a 30 minute tidy up of the house - dusting, vacuuming, floors washed, general tidy up, empty bins, etc.

It’s absolutely not too much to ask your children to play their part in the running of the house. Explain the new routines to them and have consequences and stick to it - laundry not put in basket - not washed. Table not cleared off - no Wi-Fi, not helping with bits around the house - no collecting/dropping to friends, etc,

It is a difficult age. My 5yo makes her bed and opens her curtains every morning. Last weekend she hoovered and mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned all the kitchen cupboards just for fun. She then cleaned all 3 toilets (used an entire bottle of toilet cleaner doing so 🤣). Last night DH was hanging up the washing and asked if she wanted to help and she went running through. I wonder how long her enthusiasm will last! They're definitely more keen when they're younger.

You just need to keep on their case. It'll be exhausting at first but worth it in the long run.

My 9 yr old will out clothes in the wash basket (if she doesn’t she knows I won’t wash them) She will also put her clothes away, hang up towels, never throw rubbish on the floor.

She will lay the table and put her plate in the dishwasher. Usually with some grumbling but it gets done.

She will help get her stuff ready for school next day and do her school snack

You aren’t the household skivvy, it’s time that everyone, including your DH, pulls their weight

Today I would point out it's too much for you with other commitments and clarify exactly what you'd like everyone to do to try and help you. As another poster has said, you need to stop doing everything now, if milk is left out it'll go off and they won't have any, if clothes aren't in wash basket they won't get done (they'll soon learn if they haven't got PE kit, clean underwear and shirts for school/work), they'll have to put up with dirty/untidy floors. If you find the toilet hasn't been flushed (and you've got time) just tell them you're going somewhere that's got a clean toilet and stay out and have a drink at the same time - that might get them thinking.