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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas crap

29 replies

MyNewGenericUsername · 24/10/2023 13:12

More of a what would you do...

Every year in laws (and some of my family too) buy a lot of presents for the kids. Many of the presents are unsuitable due to DCs' severe learning disabilities (loose batteries, choking parts, made of glass!!) anyway so they get whisked to charity shop ASAP. But, family know we struggle for space in our house, everything bursting at the seams, they know DC don't play with toys really, but every year we get loads even though I have said in the past we're struggling with it. I'm always the bad guy if I bring it up and I also gave recently found out they've been sneaking lots of stuff from DH's childhood (with DH helping) into our garage. Obviously he can keep what he wants but it's really hard to get across the sheer amount he's keeping, and it's now starting to creep into the house, making the communal space less functional.

What would you do:
a) explicitly ask them all to get DC one gift each, preferably from a list (bit joyless, I know, but practical)
b) not say anything and just silently take it all to a charity shop in January (honestly DC won't care).

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 24/10/2023 13:14

a). We always do lists in my family and it’s not joyless. The planet is choking, we all need to consume less. Can you suggest experience gifts as well?

AnnaMagnani · 24/10/2023 13:18

I would do a mixture of charity shop and leaving stuff at their houses.

And a Christmas list - wouldn't limit to one item but the items would be stuff the kids actually want, if necessary make a clear statement 'they don't play with x but they love these'

For your DH I'd do a slow declutter of the house. I started this year doing a 'spring clean', it's October and we have nearly finished 😂My ILs never taught DH how to let go of stuff, a bit like yours, and so we have just done a shelf at a time. Vast quantities of stuff got cleared out but it was slow and painful at times.

AuntieMarys · 24/10/2023 13:21

We always ask what dh's gc want. Their parents don't want plastic crap as much as we don't want to buy it. This year is a membership for them all to a local stately home/ gardens...they will get books and a selection box to open. A whole year of days out for them all.

WideLegPant · 24/10/2023 13:21

Yes, limit to one gift and hint how much they've been dreaming of x y z toy. Or gift experiences are great, eg zoo membership.

You'll still end up with "Ooh but I couldn't resist it" tat but I think that's a given. I hate it too.

good96 · 24/10/2023 13:22

Experience days are good to be fair - but could be expensive.
Could you not suggest a gift card for one particular shop that they can put towards one gift?

SeaPool · 24/10/2023 13:23

Could you and your DH have a sensible and productive conversation about this? Weigh up the space you've got against the need to keep a load of old stuff. Decide what's best for your children and then, as a couple go out with a really clear message, backed up with reasons, to the whole family.

Our family have at last done this and this year we're doing one small present and then spending the money on a lovely family get together and meal.

So much money is wasted at Christmas on hoards of tat that nobody wants.

snowgal · 24/10/2023 13:23

How old are your children? We've had enough of all the stuff in our house so are insisting on activities/experiences for the kids for Christmas. It means the gift giver can do something with the kids and my house isn't full of even more unnecessary junk.

Original poster
MyNewGenericUsername · 24/10/2023 13:27

One of my DC in particular loves experiences so they would love this.

I genuinely think my inlaws don't know how to express love without some kind of (plastic) gift. I am so stressed that we'll end up like them - borderline hoarders in dire financial situations.

I am made to feel like a joyless, horrible cow when I make rules about this. Lots of sideways glances, or passive aggressive gestures.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNewGenericUsername · 24/10/2023 13:28

They're junior school age but developmentally more like 1 to 3 year olds.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 24/10/2023 13:31

One thing that worked for me was watching episodes of Sort Your Life Out with DH.

While we didn't have nearly that amount of stuff, it did highlight the excess stuff we had and need for better storage. Our personal tat buying has also plummeted.

MabelMaybe · 24/10/2023 13:44

We have the only grandchildren in the family so tend to get deluged with toys, less so now that money is tighter but even still.

We took to asking family to contribute to an outdoor toy, swing etc., or to give the DC money for an annual pass somewhere (we have a small local theme park, but local attraction of some sort) to reduce the amount of stuff.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/10/2023 14:26

Depending on the age(s) of your DC, what I would do is keep what you think would make good gifts for their classmates and pop them in your attic until such time as you might need them. If they get invited to birthday parties then use them as the gift for that child. No one will know that they are getting something that your DC got at Christmas.

I would also donate to your local charity shop whatever isn't going to be suitable to be forwarded on to another child and then I would bin whatever is left.

Hope that helps you.

Chowtime · 24/10/2023 14:27

Just charity shop it.

paintingvenice · 24/10/2023 14:30

I like to be generous with my niece so she gets a toy, an experience or membership and then the rest of the money that I’d love to spend goes in premium bonds.

I hope that when she is old enough that she can put the money towards a car or university and will be thrilled 😁

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/10/2023 15:43

Could you suggest say an outdoor swing or trampoline or sandpit? Whatever your DC could manage then it's a big present which in laws would see them using
Otherwise it's a case of broken record
" we haven't got room" and pass it on to friends DC or charity

Chalkdowns · 24/10/2023 15:46

Because this is other people not dealing with their consumerist issues (!) by which I mean your DH and his family, I would just take everything that is unwanted and unneeded to the charity shop. I wouldn’t waste your energy trying to make them see things the way you do.

Keep clearing things out that your kids don’t use or enjoy

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/10/2023 16:02

Have you looked for toys that would suit them developmentally? Then perhaps an Amazon list?

Otherwise, annual zoo membership or local attraction was a massive win in our family.

They sound a bit of a nightmare. I wouldn't have the remotest sense of guilt in having a HUGE pre-Christmas clear out with the hope you can also help other families if you have stuff that can be used elsewhere.

TwoBlueFish · 24/10/2023 16:05

a) and maybe go for experiences rather than physical things or maybe ask them to all contribute to something suitable (outdoor play equipment, adapted bike, etc)

Original poster
MyNewGenericUsername · 24/10/2023 16:12

Not going to lie, they are a bit of a nightmare. DH is going up to see them before Christmas and I have said I'll be really upset if he comes back with loads of 'stuff'.Sick of being the big bad wife though

All good suggestions, thank you.

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 24/10/2023 16:26

Stop being the " big bad wife". Smile and say how lovely. And go round the house, scoop up all the crap and store it somewhere that affects dh. His side of the bed, if necessary.

I'd be tempted to take charity-shop-tat gifts whenever you visit your in-laws, too. "Oh no, no need for thanks, I just couldn't resist, I knew you'd love it. Here, I bought another bagful, look twelve beautiful candlesticks".

mondaytosunday · 24/10/2023 16:41

A of course! And have a stern word with your husband!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 24/10/2023 17:10

Could you couch it in terms of "I'm embarrassed to ask you this but I have seen something DC would love but it's outside our budget/We're already getting x/y/z. Do you think you could contribute towards it? You can be the one to give it to them and it would make them so happy."

That way you are giving them the chance to make DC properly happy and you're not being a joy sponge.

Original poster
MyNewGenericUsername · 31/10/2023 13:53

Oh god, I asked if they wanted suggestions for DC gifts and they said they'd already got it all sorted, so the gifts are already bought and inevitable. I'm just going to have to wait and deal with it after Christmas.

OP posts:
SunsetsAndSandwiches · 31/10/2023 15:51

@MyNewGenericUsername argh, so sorry you're out of time to do anything about this Christmas! Charity shop in January sounds like a good plan (or resell - could save the money for the children to have when older, or spend on a nice experience for them?)

Re your husband - I struggle a bit getting rid of "sentimental" items and brought lots from my parents' houses when I bought a house. However, I did read a helpful tip that said to take photos of things and then get rid of the actual item. So I now have a USB with photos of school trophies, sports medals, certificates and pages from my childhood school books 😅 I'm sure it'll probably never look at them again, but it took away that page of binning something and thinking "oh but one day I might want to show my children what my handwriting looked like in Year 1!" or whatever. Might help with some of your husband's stuff?

Good luck, its hard enough to keep a home streamlined as it is without everyone being seemingly against you, but have faith in yourself to win the battle!

CuteOrangeElephant · 31/10/2023 16:36

I know it's too late, but next year could you redirect their gift giving tendencies into giving useful stuff? My DD is six and still loves getting pyjamas, dressing gowns, slippers, bedding, that kind of stuff.