Pregnancy rage or lazy DH?

[Doubleespresso23]

Lazy probably isn’t the right word … but here goes

im 31 weeks pregnant. I work 2 days per week while the children are in school/nursery. I am self employed and have cut my hours down as I am nearing my maternity leave. I don’t work long hours on those days as I am struggling physically and mentally with this pregnancy but still have clients whose treatments I need to finish. I earn a reasonable amount and I pay all rent and all childcare plus little bits here and there.

dh struggles in work too. He leaves at 7:30am and returns about 7pm. He has just switched to permanently working from home as of today but his job is very busy and fast paced so although he will be home he’s not available . He’s self employed and earns well. He covers pretty much all the other bills, car costs, food shop etc as earns probably 4x what I earn.

He’s a great dad and always makes time for the littles. He was shown no love or physical affection growing up so isn’t the most cuddly person, he’s more practical and a problem solver where as I need the physical affection if I’m really sad. Other than that we get along well. He’s a kind person but comes from a very traditional household and I think has become set in his ways which is where my problem lies - he’s very much of the mindset that working is his responsibility and all the duties that come with being a SAHM are mine.

now, I agree that 90% of the housework, life admin etc should fall on me - even at the weekends I do most of the cleaning/laundry however he will tidy, cook and sort the dishwasher- he’s great at letting me have me time if I need it although it’s expected I’m the default parent. When he was in the office I even ironed all his work stuff and made his lunch for the day so he literally didn’t have to worry (he wasn’t coping well and I wanted to support him).

im now struggling alot being so far on in pregnancy and I have adhd (was only diagnosed just before finding out I was pregnant with my third so I’m not on any meds). I do have therapy once a week which helps but have only started 4 weeks ago.

i go through phases of being really organised and then fall off track and I’m chaos. There is no middle ground which is what dh struggles with. He’s also not understanding that it’s hard to juggle a big amount of stuff to do while having a few health issues in pregnancy. To add to it, our dishwasher and cooker died at the same time so I have been having to cook breakfast lunch and dinner in the air fryer and hand washing everything in between while we saved for a replacement (finally coming this week after about 3 weeks).

I want dh to take on abit more responsibility or at least cut me some slack while I’m struggling and in pain but he thinks I’m just messy and unorganised (I can be) but I’m struggling. Mood swings are really bad at the moment and I just feel under valued and physically exhausted from lack of sleep. I feel u happy and it’s making us drift apart.

AIBU to want dh to understand that I can’t continue at the same pace as I could pre/early pregnancy? Or do I need to suck it up and just get on with it? I can’t work out what’s pregnancy hormones and what’s me being unreasonable.

I have ADHD and I know how unorganised I cam be, but I also take full blame for it as I know I can do better and be organised if I really need to be. Not sure if it's like this for everyone.

But at 31 weeks and suffering then I'd be cutting you some slack and helping more etc.

Cut him some slack - and stop being so self-absorbed.

You are working on yourself I assume - given your recent ADHD diagnosis - but are you working on your whole family dynamic?

There is a hell of a lot to process in your post and I do not think you need to label your DH lazy (yet)

Why did you decide to have another DC?

@Frenchfancycat
Why such a twattish response? Genuinely can't really understand people who are just needlessly nasty

The post is far from self absorbed with lots of references to the partner, lots of insight into what's going on for him and what she has tried to do to help and support him

At 31 weeks pregnant we should all be cut some slack! Add to that other DC and doing 90% of the childcare?! That's tough even before you consider the very recent neurodiverse diagnosis.

@barbieofswanlake Can't understand why think I am being "twattish".

Genuinely baffled by the vitriol in your post - I am not intending to be nasty but you are being a wee bit judgmental here.

Being pregnant does not give you a free pass to being shitty to other people or using a recently (unverified) diagnosis a passport to being a victim either.

Wind your neck in

Sorry I can’t get my head around he’s quite traditional yet you pay all the childcare and all the rent… and he earns four times more than you? I’m baffled on that!

you are not being self absorbed or whatever that frenchcat above is calling you, you are in your third pregnancy, it doesn’t get easier and each pregnancy is different! One thing you are correct hormones are probably wild, have you tried speaking to him saying you physically need help because cooker and dishwasher is broken and you are doing even more than before? You need to just tell him to do it, some men are stupid, and of course they don’t understand because they’ve never been pregnant. Speak up, work might be hard for him, but I’m sure he can do his own shirts and make his own lunch while working from home! If sounds like you pay more than your share towards to house, he should help with the kids and housework!

I’d be looking at overhauling everything — why does 90% of everything fall to you, and you pay the rent and childcare, and you’re the default parent, all on top of being heavily pregnant and newly diagnosed as neurodivergent?

Are you responsible for 90% or everything because you work PT, or did you go PT to cope with being responsible for 90% of everything?

In any case, the split of all there is to do inevitably changes when someone is pregnant. At 31 weeks I had PGP and couldn’t walk further from the house than 20 yards, I was signed off work, I couldn’t sleep because of the pain, and I couldn’t do housework, from the dishwasher to the washing machine. DP continued to work full time, do all nursery runs for our eldest, all bedtimes, all cooking, food shop, washing and drying, putting clothes away, etc. Didn’t clean but simply didn’t have time; ditto tidying, but he’d clear a path through the toys so I could shuffle around.

You made his bloody sandwiches when he struggled at work, he should be doing a lot more when you’re struggling to GROW A HUMAN.

Being pregnant does not give you a free pass to being shitty to other people or using a recently (unverified) diagnosis a passport to being a victim either.

What do you mean by 'unverified'? OP says she is recently diagnosed, not self-diagnosed, so who do you think needs to 'verify' her diagnosis?

You're not being unreasonable. So he's that traditional that he expects you to do all of the traditional sahm stuff and he shouldn't have to do any? Well then traditionally he would be bringing in 100% of the income and you wouldn't be working outside the home. I can imagine you'd find it easier to do everything he's expecting of you if you weren't also working part time and paying for the rent.

I think anyone would struggle with only an airfryer to cook for a family for 3 weeks. Ditto the dishwasher situation if you are used to having one.
Get yourself a slow cooker before the baby comes and plan your batch cooking of stews and soups and pasta sauces. Get your food shop delivered if you aren't already.
Sort out reliable contraception once this baby is born.
I lived in awful temporary accommodation during my second pregnancy. No cooker, no washing machine or dishwasher. Husband working away and no support. I was very anaemic and sick all the way through. No computers or supermarket deliveries back then and it was tough, so I sympathise.

Did you read there that she has had to be handfasting through laundry and he hasn't helped?. How has she treated her husband badly?

Oh, just realised its the dishwasher not washing machine that broke🫢

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, making you run yourself ragged while heavily pregnant.

He needs to step up for this short time. The support should go both ways. He's going to need to do more when you have a newborn as well. Have you been clear with him that you are struggling? It sounds like you have, so he should be aware that he needs to do more.

He earns a lot more than you: are you keeping the same amount of personal money each? Your description of what you pay doesn't sound like it.

You're covering the two biggest outgoings of a household and doing pretty much everything else. What bills is he paying exactly? If he earns so much why did you need to hand wash clothes for 3 weeks instead of just getting a washing machine straight away?

But no, outside of both of your working hours everything should be 50/50 in terms of childcare and housekeeping. Even the days that you have 'off' your job is actually predominantly childcare, not cleaning. If you'd hired a nanny they wouldn't be doing that, with good reason. Running after two kids whilst preggo isnt easy, leave the majority of the housework to share with him.

AIBU to want dh to understand that I can’t continue at the same pace as I could pre/early pregnancy?

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. The last weeks of pregnancy can be extremely difficult for many women particularly with 2 other kids to look after.

In totally normal circumstances it makes sense for most of the house stuff to fall to you since you work 2 short days and your DH works 5 fairly long days. Your DH should be coming home from work and cooking dinner, or at least washing it up if you cooked earlier in the evening and doing a general tidy up every evening.
He should also be taking on more of the more physical chores on the weekend, cleaning the floors, hoovering, changing the beds etc because he wants to take some of the burden off you.

@Frenchfancycat Being pregnant does not give you a free pass to being shitty to other people

In what way is expecting your spouse to step up when you aren't as physically able as normal being "shitty"?

Dishwasher, not washing machine.

OP, does he really only tidy, cook (though it sounds as though you do the majority, given the air fryer anecdote), and sort the dishwasher? What else does he bring to the party? Was he pulling his weight with the previous DC?

Apologies @Doubleespresso23 - I realise that my responses were unhelpful and I had not read the thread properly or misunderstood. I hope you can resolve this matter and that you get the support you deserve.

@Frenchfancycat Yeah that was a twattish response.

You earn enough to pay all the rent yet he earns about 4 x more then you yet you had to wait over 3 weeks for a new cooker and washing machine? Something isn’t adding up there?

He’s inconsiderate at best.

The fuck is wrong with you? Seriously?

So self absorbed? She's heavily pregnant

YANBU

But…as a pregnant woman, I know that I’ve been very hormonal and assumed DH is thinking things that he isn’t…

Has he said you’re being messy and disorganised ?

If you haven’t have a clear conversation about the fact that you’re finding things difficult and concrete things he needs to do to support.

If you have already expressed this then he’s being a dick.

Either way it sounds like you’ve got a lot on and you’re totally justified to feel exhausted and pissed off x

How many days a week does your dh work 730am- 7pm as that will influence my answer.

Thank you all for your replies. I was really feeling like I was being unreasonable so it’s nice to hear that I’m not.

I can’t reply to everyone so il address the most common questions -

yes I pay all the childcare and all the rent. Rent is £700 and childcare is £550. It’s pretty much all of my income.l aside from my phone bill and any random coffees I want etc. I chose to contribute this amount and I’m happy to do so. Any expenses or shopping I want to do I use dh card which I have on my phone. He pays everything else from car finance, insurance, petrol, gas/elec, water council tax, kids needs, kid’s activities, both our gym memberships, broadband, sky, both our debts that we’re trying to clear and whatever else is on the list.

dh had spent 3 weeks off work last month very unwell (in and out of hospital) so his pay that we just got took a big hit. Hence we didn’t have enough to cover the cooker and dishwasher but have managed to borrow some money and they both arrive tomorrow i believe. Our boiler had also died the previous month which was more ££ so it’s been a real shit show.

he doesn’t do as much as he thinks he does around the house. His mum worked full time when he was younger (she’s a doctor so worked all hours) and his dad was the stay at home husband but they had a nanny so it was easy for DH dad to keep a tidy home. They are very house proud. I think this is where his expects come from. I stay at home so the house is “my job” and the office role is his. Im very much one of these people who just gets on with things but I’m realising maybe I am accepting too much responsibility. As I said he does sort the dishwasher or sort rooms now and again but overall I do it all. He knows I’m struggling and knows I need help but he just says he struggled too with his job (he does). I think generally I’m more resilient and constantly emerge which has its benefits but I just feel lost now.

he does pull his weight with dc. He’s at football practice every Friday evening straight from work and has never missed a game, is always building towers and tunnels or playing with them. When he was in the office he’d do the odd school run if I couldn’t stop being sick but it was causing issues at work. Now that he’s just started wfh I’m hoping he will do more but i don’t know.

im really beginning to think iv got the shit end of the deal reading all these replies. Now that im pregnant at least anyway - im going to talk to him about doing more around the house even if it’s a battle

(I have probably made him sound like a complete dickhead - he can be at times, as im sure all husbands can but he’d also give everything for his family and he helped me set up my business which wasn’t cheap either). I just think he doesn’t understand the house needs and he thinks it’s easy

What I've found is, if you look like you are coping, people will assume it's all OK. By that I mean, if you say how bad you feel but carry on doing the same as usual, you won't be taken seriously.
You have to show you are taking yourself seriously. If you are exhausted, go to bed. Tell him you feel too tired to cook dinner and he'll have to deal with it. Keep referencing that you are growing a baby, and it's taking it out of you. If you are too tired to carry on, lie down/sit down, but don't plough through it all anyway, because that looks like you were just moaning rather than actually reaching your limits. Only do the bare minimum for you and the DC, forget doing his washing/life admin, he might be tired, but that's not the same as the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy. He needs to step up now.
I don't think people who have not been pregnant get quite how exhausting it is, especially if are working and looking after other children at the same time. It's not an illness, but it is really hard for many women.
Go and rest.