Pregnancy rage or lazy DH?

[Doubleespresso23]

Lazy probably isn’t the right word … but here goes

im 31 weeks pregnant. I work 2 days per week while the children are in school/nursery. I am self employed and have cut my hours down as I am nearing my maternity leave. I don’t work long hours on those days as I am struggling physically and mentally with this pregnancy but still have clients whose treatments I need to finish. I earn a reasonable amount and I pay all rent and all childcare plus little bits here and there.

dh struggles in work too. He leaves at 7:30am and returns about 7pm. He has just switched to permanently working from home as of today but his job is very busy and fast paced so although he will be home he’s not available . He’s self employed and earns well. He covers pretty much all the other bills, car costs, food shop etc as earns probably 4x what I earn.

He’s a great dad and always makes time for the littles. He was shown no love or physical affection growing up so isn’t the most cuddly person, he’s more practical and a problem solver where as I need the physical affection if I’m really sad. Other than that we get along well. He’s a kind person but comes from a very traditional household and I think has become set in his ways which is where my problem lies - he’s very much of the mindset that working is his responsibility and all the duties that come with being a SAHM are mine.

now, I agree that 90% of the housework, life admin etc should fall on me - even at the weekends I do most of the cleaning/laundry however he will tidy, cook and sort the dishwasher- he’s great at letting me have me time if I need it although it’s expected I’m the default parent. When he was in the office I even ironed all his work stuff and made his lunch for the day so he literally didn’t have to worry (he wasn’t coping well and I wanted to support him).

im now struggling alot being so far on in pregnancy and I have adhd (was only diagnosed just before finding out I was pregnant with my third so I’m not on any meds). I do have therapy once a week which helps but have only started 4 weeks ago.

i go through phases of being really organised and then fall off track and I’m chaos. There is no middle ground which is what dh struggles with. He’s also not understanding that it’s hard to juggle a big amount of stuff to do while having a few health issues in pregnancy. To add to it, our dishwasher and cooker died at the same time so I have been having to cook breakfast lunch and dinner in the air fryer and hand washing everything in between while we saved for a replacement (finally coming this week after about 3 weeks).

I want dh to take on abit more responsibility or at least cut me some slack while I’m struggling and in pain but he thinks I’m just messy and unorganised (I can be) but I’m struggling. Mood swings are really bad at the moment and I just feel under valued and physically exhausted from lack of sleep. I feel u happy and it’s making us drift apart.

AIBU to want dh to understand that I can’t continue at the same pace as I could pre/early pregnancy? Or do I need to suck it up and just get on with it? I can’t work out what’s pregnancy hormones and what’s me being unreasonable.

Could not have said it better 🙌🏽.

And get okay with him seeming disappointed and begrudgingly cooking, sorting out the kids or whatever else you need.

Let him grumble and sleep through his noise 😴

If you add up all his bills is he actually paying as much as you not to talk of 4 times as much. Unless both your debts were huge.Keep more money for yourself and save so when something breaks you can pop out and buy a new one. Has he savings that you have no access to?
My ds has ADHD and l notice when he has money he is so generous..give money to anyone/ buy for everyone but makes no plans for the future so appears shocked when he has no money. He is not good as imaging situations in his head where he might need to have a contingency plan. Don't be over enthusiastic paying bills when you only work two days.
I think all mums find they need more rest into the final stretch and surely he should just believe you when you say you are tired...you are carrying a baby after all. Two women in my work are pregnant at the moment and the reoccurring word is..wrecked!

This

Also she's not being shitty she's just noticing she's being less organized (as was I ) no bloody wonder she's exhausted not sleeping looking after all the chores and children and 31 WEEKS PREGNANT - those hormones are wild

I think a batch cook and healthy ready meals are your friend for the next few months op - if your 'd'h won't help to cook please ask if friends can help you out with match cooked freezer meals they'd be delighted to

I do think the PP apologised about their post at least 12 hours ago - let it go and concentrate on the here and now

Yup that's me - with an epic name change fail! I have said I was wrong and misread situation. Sorry - English is not my first language - but that is/was not an excuse.

@Frenchfancycat having been in op's position last year I know that she needs as much reassurance as she can get

• just because a pp (rightly!) apologized doesn't mean that op isn't at risk of internalizing this. She's in an extremely vulnerable position so I will send her my support even if it seems less interesting to others on the thread

How much is he actually paying? He must have a much higher disposable income to you.

At 31 weeks he needs to be picking up the slack. Especially if you're working two days a week!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum so should I just slink out of this thread and not acknowledge that I got it wrong as most folks do?

I am damned by apologising and damned for not - make your mind up

Please though do not attribute my failings in this thread to actually giving the OP support she needs (rather than spending all your time being vitriolic towards me!)

Answer the OP's original posting and not me please (if you want to help)

Thank you all for your kind and supportive replies. I’m actually really grateful as MN isn’t always known for its kindness.

dh is understandably stressed at the moment but has been a complete and utter rude cunt since last night. He asked me to clear the hallway of the bags and boxes so that he could remove the old dishwasher and cooker before the new ones arrive - I would have helped (despite being massively pregnant and the stuff being heavy) until I saw that he’d reshared a video on social media of a woman saying “when your man comes home have dinner and a beer ready then let him have sex with you” - normally I’d have a sense of humour about things like this as my humour is quite dark and distasteful anyway but it really got to me after yesterdays post and is not only badly timed but also very degrading even though it’s a woman who said it. I asked him if it was a dig to which I got a nasty response so I grew a pair and told him to clear the hallway himself to which I got another nasty response of “sort your own shit and don’t watch my social media it has nothing to do with you” he’s since blocked me online (because apparently we’re 12 years old).

I know stress can make people behave funny but this is really taking the piss. I see his mum as my mum so I have confided in her which I don’t normally do as I like to keep things private and she’s shocked too. I think I’m going to tell him we need to separate although I can’t afford for him to move out 9 weeks before I have a baby.

what do I do? I can’t stop crying

I’m sorry to read this update. He’s a pig. Has he got form for being a twat? He’s capable of clearing a hallway however stressed he is; you aren’t. Is there anywhere you can go? Your parents, his mum?

Bastard - sorry that this is happening to you. You can really tell if a man’s an asshole by how they treat you when you’re pregnant or with a newborn.

Sounds like he really feels as though you’ll never go anywhere. I’d love to see the look on his face when you tell him you want to separate.

Do you have a best friend, sister, mum or person that you can ask to come round? If you do tell them to come round as soon as they can, confide and get some support.

Sending virtual hugs and strength x

An equal percentage of both incomes should be going into a joint account and all household expenses paid from that.
We have always done that because DH was the higher earner, but I did a lot WRT caring for DC and PIL. All income and expenses shared.

He actually doesn’t, he’s normally really great. This is really out of character for him. I know his mood is currently really low for various reasons and he’s struggling but I still don’t deserve the treatment iv had imo. we all have off days but it’s at the point the stress is making me feel unwell.

to top it all off, new cooker arrived today and he didn’t bother to measure it when ordering and has ordered a tiny 50cm cooker. The gap is just over 60cms and previous cooker was 60cms so I’m also pissed off about that but was told how ungrateful I am for questioning it and that itl be fine. I’m absolutely grateful to have a cooker but it’s just the icing on the cake isn’t it. He assured me he’d measured everything and obviously hadn’t. Also refused to pay for the company to install the cooker as “he can do it it’s easy” - after a mild electric shock and no success he ended up forking out money for an electrician to come and fit it.

I do sound like an ungrateful cow but it could have been so easily avoided in the first place.

Am i the problem??? He’s gone out for the second night in a row (now clubbing, just avoiding me) so as per usual everything is left to me to do (cooking, bath and bedtime for dc etc). Despite the fact he’s had a day off.

im so disappointed that he won’t accept responsibility for how he’s treated me. He will ignore me until I apologise but it hurts because he’s not normally like this and I’m not going to apologise for his shitty treatment of me.

I just feel so heartbroken we’ve been together for 13 years

Forgot to answer this in my previous comment, no I don’t have anywhere. Family live a 5 hour drive away and they are the only family I have. I don’t have any friends who I could stay with either. So it’s just going to be a rubbish atmosphere for now.

I feel so much sympathy for him because I know he’s struggling and I know his mental health is in a dark place but don’t take it out on me. It’s such a shit situation

Sorry I can’t get my head around he’s quite traditional yet you pay all the childcare and all the rent… and he earns four times more than you? I’m baffled on that!

This. Sounds like he makes the rules on what suits him!
Fgs he earns well and can't get a cleaner weekly to make everyone's life easier? Doesn't sound like the great Man you think he is.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it sounds like he’s over a long period of time conditioned you to feel grateful for him doing what he should be expected to do, ie: the bare minimum shit…

Why should you be so grateful for a cooker that you use to feed everyone in your house? You should be grateful if he buys you some shoes, or runs you a nice bath or sends you to a spa. Not for contributing to the household that you both share.

Maybe this is out of character and a blip, but the way I see it, you’re at home heavily pregnant, cooking, cleaning, doing bedtime for the kids and STILL worrying about his mental health and he’s out getting pissed with his mates basically punishing you for asking for help. Not ok and you deserve so much better than that behaviour. Xxx

There is no excuse for his behaviour. Plenty of people have to cope with all kinds of challenges in their lives and don't take it out on the people they are supposed to love. I have been through horrendous things in recent years, as have my DH and my surviving children. The one thing we do not do, and never have done, is treat each other unkindly and with disrespect.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
You are not responsible for his awful behaviour. He is a grown up, a husband and a father.

I actually really agree with this - I think I have become grateful for him doing things he’s supposed to do. There was a point he was working 7 days a week so I did 100% of everything (which was 100% fair back then as I was out of work and only had 1 dc) but it feels like that behaviour has just carried on. He also has a real problem admitting when he’s wrong which is where this gets tricky. If he came to me and said something along the lines of “I know iv messed up, iv been unkind/unhelpful or not appreciated you let me put it right” then I’d be open to the conversation because no one is perfect, everyone goes through periods where their mental health takes a nose dive and I believe that relationships arnt always 50/50. If one person is struggling then the other person needs to step up, but it works both ways not just one. It should be a support system. But he’s just blaming me and being mean which is where I draw the line and it abit something I can put up with.

thank you for being supportive 💜💜

Thank you for your message 💜I’m so positively overwhelmed with the support on here and really grateful.

so sorry to hear you have all been through your own really hard times too 💜💜💜

That’s also hard that you live so far away from family. I would suggest talking to one of your friends or family at least on the phone at least. Especially as you’re close to giving birth. It’s always harder talking to people you know but people can’t make an effort to be there for you if you’re suffering in silence. I’m sure there are people in your life that would hate to know that you’re going through this alone.

My midwife was really helpful during my last pregnancy when I was going through some stuff. You have to speak with people outside your relationship to get another perspective or all you hear is your husband’s opinion who is obviously going to try and convince you that you’re in the wrong.

Stay strong ❤️ x

OP congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sorry your husband is not being supportive. His behaviour is bordering abusive.
Is his name on the rent book, because if it isn’t it would be easier to get him to leave. If He’s not supporting you or his children what’s the point of him being there?
His lack of support is affecting your health , with his recent hospital stay he should be more sympathetic.
Its ridiculous that he has money to go out whilst you pay the rent and childcare - all your income. This financial abuse on his part needs addressing now.
Has your chat with his mum helped? If not maybe H needs to move out and grow up