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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to move our family for a secondary school?

35 replies

Pancakecr · 23/10/2023 22:39

We have two kids, one who is approaching secondary school age and a baby. We live in a sink school area for secondary. And so I would like to move to an area with an excellent secondary school. It’s also a cheaper are than where we are now so we could afford a bigger home which we need now we have the baby.

My parents who are in their eighties live nearby though and I can’t drive so it would mean a half hour drive from each other with no easy bus or train route.

Realistically it would probably mean ubers to see each other independently of my husband. At the moment we usually see each other once a week, my husband can drive and he drives us to theirs which is a five minute drive away.

I truly hate driving and have a fear of it. I’ve tried many times to learn over several years and just havent managed it. I have some terrible childhood memories of my parents driving which have influenced my thoughts too. I know learning to drive is the best option but I’ve lost hope of this happening. I know this is pathetic but it’s the way it is.

Im really confused what to do. I want my son to have the best chance at a great school but it would mean leaving my parents behind at a time when they need me most. My son loves them so much. In fact my Mum is his favourite person in the world. What would you do?

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 23/10/2023 22:42

Is there zero chance of getting your son into a good school from where you currently live?

if not then yes I would move and I’m sure your parents will understand why. Is there a chance that they could move to your new area in the future?

TryAgainWithFeeling · 23/10/2023 22:45

What’s the chance of your parents moving in the future? Whether nearer to you, in to sheltered accommodation, etc?

Yes, I would absolutely move in your situation. A decent secondary can make such a huge difference to a child’s life.

Squidlydoo · 23/10/2023 22:45

many Families move for schools so that is not unreasonable.

I also know good kids with supportive parents generally do well in any school so it would not be unreasonable to stay. When you say sink - what are you basing this off? Results? Students? Reputation? All of these have their flaws and are not necessarily a true reflection of the reality of the school

Hercisback · 23/10/2023 22:46

Don't move, you'll regret it.

Supplement your sons schooling with tutoring from the money you won't spend on ubers.

Dramatic · 23/10/2023 22:48

For me it would be a bit far if I didn't drive. But it does depend how bad the school is I suppose.

EthicalNonMahogany · 23/10/2023 22:51

Can't believe someone would send their kid to a shit school because they need to see their mum every week. I know you're helping your parents but your children should be your first duty, and your parents should be trying their best not to rely on you.

junbean · 23/10/2023 22:55

Did you talk to your son about it?

Bluevelvetsofa · 23/10/2023 22:58

@EthicalNonMahogany OP said that her mum is her son’s favourite person, so I think she’s trying to do the best for both parents and child.

Are you basing your opinion on what you’ve read, or have you visited the school? Is it the Ofsted report that is poor, or your own experience.

I think I’d have to visit the school, talk to parents if you can and then, if you really don’t think it’s for your family, consider a move.

bathrobeandpie · 23/10/2023 23:00

When you say no easy public transport, does it mean strictly no public transport at all, or just a bit of a long journey?

If your husband drives, and it's only half an hour for him to do, I would move without hesitation, you are hardly at the other side of the country. For a driver, half and hour is nothing, and normal couple help each other out.

I have actually moved to be in the catchment for the right primary school, and the secondary school that followed.

RudsyFarmer · 23/10/2023 23:01

Will you be in the new property for two years before you apply? I’m pretty sure that’s one of the over subscription criteria. I’d want to be absolutely sure the move would be worth it, if I knew I’d get them into a better school then yes I would do it.

OldPerson · 23/10/2023 23:29

Our primary responsibility is to look after the next generation. Move. You're being held back by guilt. You don't mention how it would affect your husband's job? You don't even think about your parents also moving? What ties do they have to local area, other than you? But if you see the happy future of your family somewhere else. Move. Your children only get one school education. They will make friends with whoever is in their class, with whatever hopes, dreams, or no aspirations they have. Make your home solid and welcome - so you know the kids your children hang out with. But if you really want to be somewhere else, you'll make it work. If you stay, you'll impose your sense of doom and regret on your children. Option A: Build a new life somewhere not too far away. Option B Keep beating yourself up with your failures of not being able to drive, not being there enough for your parents, not being a good enough parent.

Temporaryanonymity · 23/10/2023 23:34

Honestly, half an hour is nothing.

you should try and get over this fear of driving. Could you get counselling or something. It must be terribly restrictive to depend on your husband for a lift.

StillWantingADog · 24/10/2023 09:48

RudsyFarmer · 23/10/2023 23:01

Will you be in the new property for two years before you apply? I’m pretty sure that’s one of the over subscription criteria. I’d want to be absolutely sure the move would be worth it, if I knew I’d get them into a better school then yes I would do it.

I have never heard of this. Where we are you just need to be moved by the time you apply, that’s all.

tiglit · 24/10/2023 09:52

I would prioritise the school. But I'd also be very certain of the admission policy prior to doing so, whilst I've never heard of needing to live there for 2 years, there are some different policies out there. Our school is essentially random selection from the entirety of the town, you have no higher chance getting in living next door as you do 5 miles away, it's very oversubscribed so to move close and not get in would be gutting.

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/10/2023 09:55

We had to move an hour to get into good schools, it's normal.

Are your parents in a place they want to stay in? Might a move not to someone easier for them to manage near the new school be an option?

Iknowthis1 · 24/10/2023 09:58

Is there another good school area that has a public transport link? You might have narrowed down your options too much.

Schlurp · 24/10/2023 10:01

I think widen your search area. Would somewhere a bit further away from them but on a bus or train route be better?

How your parents would feel to know they had been the reason their grandson didn't get the better school? Maybe have a chat with them.

CurlewKate · 24/10/2023 10:07

When you say "sink school"
What do you mean? Personally, I'd do anything to avoid moving under the circumstances. Do you know what your chances of getting into the other school are? If your son really loves his grandparents, it will be hard for him to know that you're moving away from them because of him.

CalistoNoSolo · 24/10/2023 10:11

Move. Your son gets one shot at secondary, it's so so important to get him into the right school.

Iscreamtea · 24/10/2023 10:17

I would move and learn to drive.

It's not just about results, although that does matter. In a bad school the behaviour will be an issue. I've seen nice kids get sucked into bad behaviour and others being the victims of bullying, clever kids pretending they aren't to fit in with their peers. The list goes on.

As long as I had a choice, I would always choose the better school.

Also, learning to drive would benefit you and your family in other ways.

Iscreamtea · 24/10/2023 10:20

RudsyFarmer · 23/10/2023 23:01

Will you be in the new property for two years before you apply? I’m pretty sure that’s one of the over subscription criteria. I’d want to be absolutely sure the move would be worth it, if I knew I’d get them into a better school then yes I would do it.

I've never heard of the 2 year thing! Only that you need to be living in the area when you apply.

RudsyFarmer · 24/10/2023 10:25

I think I might have got muddled with two years in a feeder school.

SunRainStorm · 24/10/2023 10:29

I'm moving my family for a better primary school. I'd absolutely do it for secondary as well.

Since the house will be cheaper, can you rationalise spending on Ubers to see your parents and other travel given you're saving on housing?

miserablecat · 24/10/2023 10:30

StillWantingADog · 24/10/2023 09:48

I have never heard of this. Where we are you just need to be moved by the time you apply, that’s all.

Show quote history

Our application had to include a council tax bill from the previous year (to prove we had lived there for a year)
There were incidents of people doing short term lets or using other people's addresses to get into schools in our town, but I'm not sure what you were meant yo do if you had recently moved!

TallulahBetty · 24/10/2023 10:33

Move and learn to drive. Have counselling if needed.

Do your parents still drive?