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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I should quit my job?

33 replies

NotTHATsmart · 23/10/2023 19:45

I was headhunted last April, by a small but very successful family business who are developing a new product that has been unbelievably successful. I absolutely love the team I am working with, I love the product and I really love the work but I am having real problems with one of the family members!

The CEO (let's call him Brian) is someone I knew professionally some years ago and he approached me personally and persuaded me to leave my existing job to come on board. I was quite unsure for a while as it meant giving up a fantastic job, but it was such an exciting project and they were so keen to have me, that I decided to go for it.

My direct line manager is Brian's brother (let's call him Seth).

So right from the get-go, Seth was very hostile and made it clear he was very unhappy with me being hired as he hadn't been consulted about it. I very nearly quit there and then because I had been led to believe they were really keen to have me and this was really shocking, but I was persuaded to stay by the rest of the team and Brian.

The rest of the team told me Seth has reduced several people to tears through bullying, and even other family members refuse to deal with him because he's verbally abusive, but it was regardless very unpleasant. After a couple of months though, he realised my work was very good and he stopped being hostile and started showering me with compliments.

We went on for several months without any incidents and Seth was polite, if abrupt and was very complimentary of my work. Brian told me I was the best person they'd ever had in the role and other people said the same, so I felt very happy and relieved.

Then Brian pulled me off the job I was doing for 4 weeks to help him with a special project. Which was rewarding and fun, but when I came back Seth had seemingly decided to be unpleasant again.

He started not providing me with the information needed to complete my projects. He didn't return my emails or calls. It was more or less him refusing to let me do my job. When I finally pushed him he replied with "we don't have any work for you".

I was completely horrified, I knew I had heaps of projects to complete so had no idea why I was being clocked, so I called Brian for a chat. He apologised profusely, and colleagues comforted me and told me it was just "Seth being Seth", but I was crying and very upset.

Anyway, Brian called Seth, and within two hours I am being sent work again - a mountain of work actually. But now, instead of complimenting me, he is ripping apart everything I do and giving me poor briefs and information making it hard to complete what I need to do.

At the weekend, he sent me a really rude email, ripping my work to shreds and I was quite upset and found myself crying again and just wondering what the heck to do. Then it turns out he has been BCCing Brian on these emails ripping my work to shreds and I had no idea.

This to me feels like it's very passive aggressive and bullying behavior? I spoke to Brian and he more or less said Seth is an unpleasant person and to just "go around him", but I feel like I segued from being headhunted and told I was brilliant a a key member of the team - to more or less being humiliated and criticised :(

I am not sure what to do. Leaving my job means I will definitely have work I like less and less future prospects (this is an amazing job, one in a million) or to put up with being abused.

AIBU for feeling like I want to quit? Is this cutting my nose off to spite my face? Do I need to put my big girl panties on? Or is this just a ridiculous way to expect me to work?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 23/10/2023 19:49

Ana amazing job where your line manager is abusive is not an amazing job. Get a new one asap and tell them exactly why you are moving after Brian has done your reference.

Original poster
NotTHATsmart · 23/10/2023 19:51

Does this sound abusive or am I being over sensitive?

I started thinking today - maybe my work is just REALLY bad - but then that's confusing because it was brilliant last month. And also, if your work is bad or wrong, shouldn't your boss just have a chat with you and give you direction rather than sending quite cruel emails and blind copying other people?

Is it me?

OP posts:
Poppysmom22 · 23/10/2023 19:52

Yep sod that just quit life is too short to work for some jumped up little tosser on a power trip who is only in the role he's in because its the family business.

Poppysmom22 · 23/10/2023 19:54

It's just Seth being Seth tells you that they would rather let you be bullied than call him out on his shite which shows them to be spineless cowards

TeeedleDum · 23/10/2023 19:55

It doesn't sound like it's you, this guy sounds like an unstable bully. Can you move to a different part of the company and be line managed by Brian (and minimise all contact with Seth). I think I would tell Brian this is what you want or you will have to leave as you can't deal with Seth's unprofessional behaviour.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 23/10/2023 19:56

Family businesses can be so tricky. Essentially you are caught in the middle of some kind of weird Brian/Seth power play, it sounds horrendous and it's not something you're ever going to be able to solve yourself. I would leave. No job is worth this.

Original poster
NotTHATsmart · 23/10/2023 19:57

TeeedleDum · 23/10/2023 19:55

It doesn't sound like it's you, this guy sounds like an unstable bully. Can you move to a different part of the company and be line managed by Brian (and minimise all contact with Seth). I think I would tell Brian this is what you want or you will have to leave as you can't deal with Seth's unprofessional behaviour.

A I understand it more or less everyone has already done this - even Seth's other siblings!

I don't like calling anyone a tosser, but it's really affected my confidence and I have started to feel like I am not very good. Which is not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 23/10/2023 19:59

"Sorry Brian, I can't and won't work like this. I'm handing in my notice. It's a shame as I'd stay without Seth as I love the business but enoughs enough."

g0at · 23/10/2023 20:02

This might be a bit too much given his personality, but could you try sitting down with Seth (with Brian there if needed) to find out what exactly his problem is? Appreciate could make the situation worse for you too, but just an idea.
Just to add, I definitely don't think you're an issue given the feedback and would agree with pp is some sort of power play between the two of the

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 23/10/2023 20:02

"Brian, we need to have a serious conversation.

If you don't address the issues with Seth's treatment of staff, not only will you lose me, you will also several offer staff and are at risk of bullying and harassment claims. He is costing you staff and revenue.

Obviously, I would much prefer to stay on the role because if x ,y and z but if there is an immediate and significant improvement, I will have no choice but to tender my resignation due to persistent bullying"

Only if you are prepared to walk.

Ghostwritersinc · 23/10/2023 20:17

I think you need to call a meeting between yourself, Seth, Brian and any other management/owners.
Say exactly what has happened - give them a change to explain/dispute themselves.
And then mention if things do not improve rapidly, not only will you be resigning but taking the issues to an employment tribunal.
Record the conversation as well.
best of luck.

Sconehenge · 23/10/2023 20:24

Why does this family business give a family member that has a history of MAKING PEOPLE CRY a management role?

Tell Brian, who headhunted you, in no uncertain terms, that you will be leaving the company unless you are moved out of Seth’s team and no longer have to report him.

It’s not you and the fact that you’re even questioning that it might be indicates that you’re already letting this horrible bully impact your self esteem and confidence, which will be much more damaging to your future prospects than walking away from the opportunities in this role.

Find your strength, know your worth and give your ultimatum. At the end of the day, you putting up with the bullying is also damaging the business as well, as just think of all the great projects that are going astray and the good people they are losing because of sadistic Seth? By making a stand now you’re helping yourself and you’re also helping the business.

Original poster
NotTHATsmart · 23/10/2023 20:33

g0at · 23/10/2023 20:02

This might be a bit too much given his personality, but could you try sitting down with Seth (with Brian there if needed) to find out what exactly his problem is? Appreciate could make the situation worse for you too, but just an idea.
Just to add, I definitely don't think you're an issue given the feedback and would agree with pp is some sort of power play between the two of the

I suppose. I think he would just deny it.

I feel a weird sense of being gaslit because before I went on the secondment for Brian I was told I was the best ever / amazing.

Then during the four weeks I was away I suddenly became the worst / terrible.

I am trying very hard not to take it personally but am finding myself really second guessing my work!

OP posts:
hettie · 23/10/2023 20:38

If at all possible you need to give Brian and others clear feedback as to how and why Seth will ultimately fuck up their business.... They'll lose this be staff suppliers and customers. If they can't address his behaviour- leave

Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2023 20:45

There is no way on earth I’d stay there.

They are unprofessional and facilitating Seth abusing you.

I don’t understand how you’re still there.

Ladyj84 · 23/10/2023 20:51

They know what Seth is like and they've allowed it for years so do you really think apart from verbally saying they will be bothered if you leave, I don't think so it will just be another job for another victim sadly. You wouldn't get me staying I would rather have a pay cut than have that job in my life. Hope you get sorted good luck

Abitofalark · 23/10/2023 20:55

You were sought after for this job and I guess highly thought of in your previous one. You left there in good standing, presumably. Have you thought of contacting your old boss to put out feelers about any possibility of a return, having discovered the reality of family dynamics in a small firm? If not, look elsewhere within the industry. You never know what else might be cooking.

Sofaz34 · 23/10/2023 20:58

The only way you can stay there long term is either for him to go (not likely) or for you to have it out with him. Just say, I know there is something wrong , whY is this all about and ask if you cab keep it an open but professional forum where you can each tell your truth. I imagine he will be surprised about the bluntness and you have nothing to lose.

Parpadew · 23/10/2023 20:58

Based on "put my big girl panties on" I am team Seth. Do you say this at work? I couldn't bear it.

Otherwise, stop expecting rosettes for doing your job. Just do it.

Namechange800 · 23/10/2023 21:01

You would probably be doing them a favour by highlighting Seth’s workplace bullying and poor management style. If you submit a formal grievance, they would have to investigate it, and if it is upheld, it might enable them to remove Seth.

pandarific · 23/10/2023 21:04

Okay - you know they love you, but they’re scared of prick face. Brian is the CEO - book a meeting for 9am with just Brian, look him dead in the eyes and say you WILL leave unless Seth stops being your manager. Say you don’t really care how that happens - they can promote you, they can give you a new title, Brian can be your line manager. But Seth is no longer your manager, or you - regretfully - go.

They won’t be surprised - he’s got form. Make it their problem op.

pandarific · 23/10/2023 21:06

Jesus @Parpadew are you okay hun? Maybe lay off the vitriol, you’ll burn yourself.

SeaPool · 23/10/2023 21:07

Some of the worst jobs I've ever had have been for family businesses. There's often so much infighting amongst the family and it's impossible not to get caught up in it or used as a pawn. Often in family businesses completely incompetent, bullying, arsehole employees get and keep jobs and promotions to power purely because they're family members. In a regular business they'd be sacked - but if they're your brother/son/mum you can't sack them and they go on making everyone's life a misery and possibly trashing the company in the process.

Get out and get a job away from this nightmare. Life's too short to put up with it.

Daffidale · 23/10/2023 21:14

In case it’s not clear to you: Seth is a bully and an all round nasty piece of work. Not even his own family will work with him.

Only the fact that you are brilliant won him round in the first place. I am guessing he was pissed Brian “stole” you for 4 weeks for the project and now he is punishing you for that with all the shitty feedback. The fact he is BCCing Brian on it all is nasty, but probably works in your favour because Brian can see Seth’s bullying right there in front of him.

I wouldn’t have a three-way with Seth. I would go back to Brian as others have suggested , state you can no longer work for/with Seth, and discuss how to “work around” him as he suggested. But that needs to mean Seth has no oversight of your work. If there is no way to achieve that then be clear that you will have to resign.

Weedoormatnomore · 23/10/2023 21:15

You need to get out especially now that your questioning yourself. Trust me it will drive you mad.
I handed in my notice tried to leave early got told no. Had a lot of abuse in emails telling me I am the worst they ever had etc yet couple of months ago was the opposite very happy with me.
If they are so unhappy why can't they let me go they have my replacement but want me to stay till end of next month aaaah