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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let daughter ho on night out

39 replies

Happyface246 · 23/10/2023 12:38

For context my dd has seizures where she will just fall to the ground without warning and ASD so hates noise and places where it is busy. If she gets overwhelmed she will most likely seizure. Dd has been invited to go out for dinner for an 18th birthday, she is 17. The venue is an hour and half away by train. She will be with a group of 4. The station does not have lifts - she cannot go safely on escalators. Initially we said that she could go as I didn’t want her to miss out and she never gets asked out. However the date is getting nearer and Im thinking this is a terrible idea. Other half suggested let her group of friends go and on a different date we will pay for them all to go out for a meal locally where we can get to her quickly if needed. Advice needed please. Thanks.

OP posts:

Trevorton · 23/10/2023 12:41

Could you drive her and her friends to the venue then go and browse the shops:have a coffee then bring them back

BreadandButterDinners · 23/10/2023 12:43

Would it be possible to pay for a taxi for her or organise a lift?
If your OP is suggesting paying for them all to go for a meal locally, would this be near the same price as paying for a taxi there and back?

Labradoodlie · 23/10/2023 12:45

In a few months she will be an adult - will you then tell her she ‘can’t’ do something?

I don’t know whether it’s a good idea or not for her to do this meal, but I do think you need a more realistic way to deal with these scenarios

Dartmoorcheffy · 23/10/2023 12:48

Can you take her there to meet up with them at the restaurant and then do something nearby until she's ready for home?

CorylusAgain · 23/10/2023 12:48

How realistic is your dd about the liklihood of a seizure? How receptive is she to a back up plan? How well do you know the other 3 and how much do they know/understand/can be relied on? I'm guessing they will be drinking? Does your dd drink?
Is there a travel lodge or similar local to the venue ? I think I'd want to be on standby near the venue if this is a new situation

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 23/10/2023 12:49

What happens when she has a seizure? Does she need medical attention or does she just pick herself up and carry on?

Ffsnotaconference · 23/10/2023 12:51

I think supporting her decision to go and now not doing is going to be a huge issue.

Callyem · 23/10/2023 12:57

I think you need a better work around. I would drive her, go for food locally and bring her home.

Jethia · 23/10/2023 13:02

Callyem · 23/10/2023 12:57

I think you need a better work around. I would drive her, go for food locally and bring her home.

Yes this^
I would try and facilitate her attending. If this is going to be an ongoing issue into adulthood she's going to miss out on a huge amount unless she has support

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 23/10/2023 13:03

Can she book disability support assistance at the station?

TotalOverhaul · 23/10/2023 13:06

If she rarely goes out, I'd drive her and have dinner in a restaurant as near to where she'll be as possible, then wait until she texts to say she's ready to come home. Give your number to her friends too in case she has a seizure and they need to contact you. DH and I did that a few times for ASD DS when he first started socialising. It is very boring hanging around for that long but worth it for them to have that normal experience other teens take for granted.

feileacan · 23/10/2023 13:14

This is a big step for her and for you as parents. What's her usual emergency plan eg in school- does she have emergency meds to bring with her? I think at the very least her friends should know what to do, what her care plan is? If you can normalise going out like this for her it will give her huge confidence going forward. She's probably anxious about it too.

MontblancTheSecond · 23/10/2023 13:16

She needs a way to live with her condition. She’s bound to go on holiday or just even work, so she needs practical help, not a lock on her door. Help her make a plan to deal with difficult situations, seek professional help en support her to live her life.

Yoyoban · 23/10/2023 13:16

How trustworthy are her friends, will they know what to do/ will they be able to cope if she has a seizure?

Can the journey be adapted i.e. get a taxi/ go to a different station and get a taxi from there?

As pp's have suggested can you give her a lift and go for a meal elsewhere nearby so you're on hand in case you're needed?

She's approaching adulthood so really you should be working through this WITH her, rather than making the decision FOR her, so she learns how to manage her condition and ensure plans work for her safety. I would be trying to reach a decision /plan you both agree on.

HMW1906 · 23/10/2023 13:16

Can you plan a night out with DH/a friend so that you get the train with them (in a different carriage) then go to a different restaurant nearby and plan to get the same train back (different carriage) so you’re nearby if needed but not cramping her style.

I think at 17 she needs to have a bit of freedom to try things, although i understand that it’s worrying for you.

Do you know the friends well? Do they know what to do if she has issues?

Yoyoban · 23/10/2023 13:18

(also, great typo in the thread title. Regardless of medical conditions you would definitely be unreasonable to encourage your daughter to ho on a night out 😁)

Patchesofdrizzle · 23/10/2023 13:21

I think you need to support her to go with her friends - as others have suggested by driving them their and back, and make sure that her friends know what to do if she has a seizure.

It's great that her friends are including her.

ToniTTtopaz · 23/10/2023 13:24

Dartmoorcheffy · 23/10/2023 12:48

Can you take her there to meet up with them at the restaurant and then do something nearby until she's ready for home?

This.

I think you need to facilitate her going and having some independence but with you close by should she need help.

Mariposista · 23/10/2023 13:26

And what about when she moves away from you as an adult? I guess she will have the same condition lifelong - are you planning on controlling her entire life?
The girls need to be sensible, have phones on them and at least one needs to be sober enough to call an ambulance if necessary. As is the case on all nights out.

jammyhand · 23/10/2023 13:32

I think the trip is part of the fun for them so if you're wanting to offer an equal alternative you might have to splash out a bit like a hotel staycation (just 1 room for the teens to all share) or something fun like that.

She is approaching 18 though so I agree with PP

ScarboroughHair · 23/10/2023 13:46

OP I'm not sure that you taking control of this situation and telling her to arrange something separate with her friends is going to help your daughter in the long run. I know it comes from a place of worry and concern but all she will hear is that she can't do the things that other people do, can't have a social life that isn't approved by her mum and dad. That's not great for a nearly-18 year old. Unless your plan is for her to live with you and for you to be her carers forever, at some point she is going to need to learn tools and strategies for managing her life independently. Will she go to university for example?

I would look at mitigating the risks rather than stopping her from going. Some suggestions:
-drive or taxi to the venue. You stay nearby so you are on standby to collect her if she does need to come home
-tracker on her phone so you can find her if there are problems
-a strategy for what she should do if she starts to feel overwhelmed. Friend to take her outside? Noise-cancelling headphones?
-friends prepped on what to do if your DD has a seizure
-DD to be briefed on what she will do when she comes out of the seizure. Call you to come home? 10 minutes outside/in a quieter place then return to the dinner? How will she make that decision?

This is only going to become more of an issue as she becomes an adult so best to start thinking about it now.

alloalloallo · 23/10/2023 13:47

My daughter has seizures as well as ASD, although she’s older than yours. Exactly the same, if she’s overwhelmed she’ll have a seizure.

I totally understand where you’re coming from and this kind of stuff scares the bejesus out of me, but I’ve always tried to support and facilitate these kinds of things and have some sort of emergency back up plan

Are they good friends she can trust if anything happens? Do they know what to do if she has a seizure?

I tend to drive her to and from things, or she’ll get the bus/train there and I’ll go and pick them up.

DD desperately wants the independence and just get on with stuff like her mates do. She’s not a fan of us driving her so I tend to let her get on with things, have a back up plan and then pick up the pieces if it goes wrong. Tbh, 9 times out of 10 are fine

Hiddenvoice · 23/10/2023 13:47

If she rarely goes out and is keen to go then I’d make arrangements to drive her and maybe some of her friends (if possible) to the venue and then stay locally. I’d also make sure the friends have your number incase they need it.

It’s more of an annoyance for you to have to wait about it do something locally but if she never really goes out then I’d make a big occasion of it this time. It would be a shame to miss out on the actually party.

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/10/2023 13:51

A friend of mine has seizures. When we were teens she and her parents taught us all what to do if she started having a seizure. It meant that she got her freedom and her parents had peace of mind.
As your dd is 17 it may be worth teaching her friends (with your daughters permission obviously).

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 13:53

I think I’d let her go. It’s so important at that age to fit in. Can her friends help her? Or if you’re that worried I’d also go to the area so you are on stand by if needed. But I’d do everything I could to let her go and make feel like she is able to do things her friends can do.

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