To let daughter ho on night out

[Happyface246]

For context my dd has seizures where she will just fall to the ground without warning and ASD so hates noise and places where it is busy. If she gets overwhelmed she will most likely seizure. Dd has been invited to go out for dinner for an 18th birthday, she is 17. The venue is an hour and half away by train. She will be with a group of 4. The station does not have lifts - she cannot go safely on escalators. Initially we said that she could go as I didn’t want her to miss out and she never gets asked out. However the date is getting nearer and Im thinking this is a terrible idea. Other half suggested let her group of friends go and on a different date we will pay for them all to go out for a meal locally where we can get to her quickly if needed. Advice needed please. Thanks.

I came because I wondered what daughter was asking her mum’s permission to be a ho… (I never did as a teenager!)

but I agree with all previous PPs - I think you need to find a way to support her participating as fully as possible here!

Thank you everyone. Wouldn’t be able to drive but could take the train and be in a different carriage as some have suggested.

As she moves into adulthood she's going to have to work out how to do things safely. Presumably these are good friends - are they also likely to be sensible and sober? Will they understand that they must take the stairs rather than the escalator for her safety? (Would she be okay on the escalator if they make sure one of them links arms either side so if she seizures they'll be able to hold her?)

How is she navigating other aspects of her life? She can't have got to 17 and not been in similar situations (parties, sports events, school, public transport) where you haven't been right by her side.

As an aside, that's quite a train journey away for a meal! Must be somewhere special. Do her friends know how to manage a seizure?

Yes none of them drink so that’s good and they are sensible.

What does your DD say? What are her friends like? How does she cope on other days/nights out, or at college/school?

As much as I would share your worries here, I think you need to thoroughly discuss it with her to ensure there's a support plan if needed and allow her to go with minimal interference from you.

Thank you for all your messages. One last question if I am to go up there to be on hand if needed but go separately would you let your yp know or not?

Of course. You can't go sneaking around on someone who is almost an adult.

Have her friends had to deal with her having a seizure when out with them in the past? Does she need medical assistance after a seizure, or just sitting with for a bit and a safe way home? How is your daughter about dealing with seizures outside the home?

What's the long term plan for her? Surely it has been discussed before now? University? Making her own way in the world?

What does your daughter want?

I ask this genuinely, as someone who has had seizures her whole life. You need to allow her to manage her own condition by asking what she would like to do and what support she requires in the situation. Don’t just impose yourself on her event.

Are they non epileptic seizures? Is she aware what circumstances bring them on, could recognise and try to regulate? Otherwise I'd take her and be nearby if she needs you. Are the friends decent? Will they know what to do, and to call you? Is she comfortable enough with them that she trusts they'll take care of her until you arrive?

Just an update for everyone, I took your advice thank you and my dd had a fab night out with her friends and no issues. Maybe I am holding her back …

Yes they are thank you for your advice x

I’m glad she had a great night! You’re not holding her back but maybe now this can be the start of her having a bit more independence.
I guess at some point she might have a seizure but if everyone knows how to react and what to do then she should be safe. For a while you could stay close by and then she can start going out without you but can keep in contact.