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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She shows up drunk

67 replies

Jumpleaprun · 22/10/2023 21:41

I was on my way to work at 6:30am the other day when I spotted a friend (I use this term loosely as we aren’t close) walking down my drive looking a bit worse for ware. She started sobbing and told me she believed her partner had been messaging other women (went threw his phone in the night) and that she wanted to leave the house. I start work at 7am so I was literally about to drive off when I spotted her. I then notice the bottle of wine she was holding and I asked how she got here and she confirmed she drove. I told her to head inside and have a sleep but she begged me to stay with her and didn’t want to be alone. I then had to phone work and VERY last minute drop them in it. She then wouldn’t go to sleep, drank more wine she had on her then buggered off to a different friends once they woke up at 11. My work are unhappy I have them no notice but I was scared she might drive again in that state. AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that a grown woman has behaved like this and put me in this position with my work? I work on a hospital so it’s pretty important I show up or give ample notice, she knows this. She started drinking at 2am that night before as well once she saw texts.

OP posts:

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 23/10/2023 06:54

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 02:50

You should have taken her keys off of her and called the police.

This. I absolutely salute you for trying your best to help, but I wouldn't have let her stress me out this much. I'd have let her learn the hard way what happens when you take attention seeking too far.

Hobbesmanc · 23/10/2023 06:56

I don't think I'd want to go to work and leave a drunk friend who was still drinking not sleeping it off. I'd be worried they'd go elsewhere and leave the doors unlocked or not set alarm or let the cats out etc. I think I'd get them an Uber and take the car keys away. My current employer would be ok with me taking a last minute day off. But not some previous ones.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 07:10

I think I’d have left her at your house but taken her car keys with me to work.

Tighginn · 23/10/2023 07:12

Wonder if the partner is looking for moral support due to living with an alcoholic.

Conkersinautumn · 23/10/2023 07:19

She was hugely inconsiderate but you made a person safer than they were. To be honest I've waited longer in A&E with someone I didn't know who fell in a street and when i had to get hold of a replacement car after I was hit by a car. So whilst the delay was of course inconvenient for work, it's an exceptional situation, these things come up, but rarely. Her drinking is obviously something irresponsible of her, but unless you suddenly start finding yourself supporting her with drunken episodes regularly then it's just a situation that only a monster would walk away.

BusterGonad · 23/10/2023 07:27

Tighginn · 23/10/2023 07:12

Wonder if the partner is looking for moral support due to living with an alcoholic.

😂

BusterGonad · 23/10/2023 07:27

Tighginn · 23/10/2023 07:12

Wonder if the partner is looking for moral support due to living with an alcoholic.

😂

androidnotapple · 23/10/2023 07:27

I'd have called her an uber and gone in to work.

Meeting · 23/10/2023 07:42

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 03:58

I think you should have just taken her keys from her amd gone to work.

I agree.

gossipgurl · 23/10/2023 07:43

To be honest I wouldn’t have missed work to look after her - I’d have got her a taxi or called someone else to look after her. Failing that, the hospital you were en route to if she was that unwell, or the police if you genuinely think she’s about to dangerously drive. In that situation it wouldn’t occur to me that I should be the one to miss work and babysit her.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 07:44

It’s highly doubtful that the police would do anything after the event of drink driving- I’d be surprised if they even attended.

Friend owes you a huge apology, she put you in a really difficult position.

It was kind of you to offer a shoulder to cry on and sensible to prevent her drink driving.. I’d put this down to a one off event.
Not sure why pp are assuming alcoholic.

Decide now how much you want to give to this friend going forwards and what you might do if she keeps wanting your “support” You can say No.

Universalsnail · 23/10/2023 07:46

I don't think she was thinking clearly tbh. She sounds like she was very distressed and very drunk. Unless this is a common occurrence I would cut her some slack.

I think I would have phoned in work and told them I was going to be late due to an emergency and then got her settled in my house and then gone to work.

Hiddenvoice · 23/10/2023 08:10

That was really kind of you to try and help her. I would also be annoyed she drove and that she turned up at yours, especially seeing as you’re not close. I would be even angrier that she left to go and see another friend a few hours later.

I probably would have called her a taxi and reminded her that you are working and sadly cannot help her.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 23/10/2023 08:14

I'd have just taken her car keys off her and left her to it. Left a note in her pocket telling her I had them.

billy1966 · 23/10/2023 08:36

OP, you sound kind but that was poor judgement.

Take her keys from her or call the police and report her.

You shouldn't have let your work down for this woman.

Sorry.

I wouldn't want anything further to do with her.

Drink driving because her partner is messaging other women?

She needs to get a grip.
That was no excuse.

You are not close friends but she turns up at yours at 6am?

CF in my view.

Apologise profusely at work and assure them it won't happen again.

Learn from this.

Greenberg2 · 23/10/2023 08:36

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 03:58

I think you should have just taken her keys from her amd gone to work.

This. And maybe if you were being really kind offering to drop her at another friend's or family member's so you would be a bit late but not miss a whole morning.

Catsmere · 23/10/2023 08:36

SmileyClare · 23/10/2023 06:49

What is risky about leaving an upset (drunk) friend in your house?

You say “some drunk” like she’s an unknown alcoholic who’s wandered off the street.

Show quote history

I don’t trust drunks. Any drunks. I am long past wanting any friends who get drunk. OP’s description isn’t of a close friend, either.

Isthisexpected · 23/10/2023 08:38

Fionaville · 23/10/2023 01:50

I wouldn't have invited her in tbh. I'd have told her she couldn't drive and called her a taxi.

And taken her keys.

That would be the end of our friendship too. Drink driving is the lowest of the low to me.

Ramalangadingdong · 23/10/2023 08:43

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 22/10/2023 21:46

If she drove again that would be on her, it’s her responsibility not yours. Your “friend” is an idiot but I wouldn’t have blown off work to babysit a drunk friend. Your responsibility at that point was to go to work. So yes I think YABU and I’d be quite pissed off I was your employer.

But if she’s killed someone or herself OP would feel dreadful for the rest of her life - even if it wasn’t her fault. She would have been asking “what if…”. NOp sounds like a sensitive person. I think she did the right thing.

gannett · 23/10/2023 08:50

I'm surprised that so many MNers default to calling the police. I wouldn't have any trust in them on a practical level (ie to actually bother coming to help in a timely fashion) nor, more importantly, in terms of my friend's safety.

I'd have taken her keys and/or called her a taxi. If I was concerned about her safety in a taxi, or if she was so drunk she couldn't be trusted to function, I'd have got in the taxi with her back to her house, then got the taxi to go on to my place of work.

Figgygal · 23/10/2023 09:41

I'd have taken her keys and threatened her with the police - idiots who drink drive for any reason let alone one so pathetic don't deserve sympathy
shes a total prick

SerafinasGoose · 23/10/2023 09:48

I'm the sister of an alcholic. I'm his only living relative. So I recognise 'rescuer' mode. It's a situation I know well, and to my cost. Your friend might not be an addict, but to turn up at the home of a casual acquaintance at that kind of unsociable hour, not least having made the choice to drive whilst plastered out of her mind, suggests she does have a serious problem with alcohol.

And that's the problem with alcoholics. Their lives are invariably chaotic and they drag everyone else around them into that chaos. It's become yours. It's your home she was in; it's your colleagues who stand to be affected; it's your job that could end up on the line. But this isn't your mess. You can't allow it to become so. 'Rescuer' mode makes you susceptible to the peaks and troughs of their problems with addiction. You're sober, but you are suffering the symptoms by proxy.

If you're tempted to go into Rescuer mode again, remind yourself of the three Cs that anyone affected by someone else's alcohol problem should know. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. All addicts invariably do is drag you into that chaos with them. Unless this is a one-off, and I hope for everyone's sakes it is, you've taken on the mantle of Rescuer once. The stage is now set for a repetition of that pattern. What you need to do now is ensure this is nixed - immediately.

That's going to take rock solid boundaries. Effectiveness or otherwise of the police isn't the issue here: it's holding her accountabile for her actions. She's chosen to drive whilst inebriated. Reporting her could save her life, and it could safe the life of a totally innocent road-user or pedestrian. It could even be the sharp-wake up call she needs to get help; with alcoholics it usually takes a very serious episode: a brush with the law or bottoming out, for them to recognise the gravity of their condition.

This isn't your baggage, OP. It's hers. She's a grown adult, so leave it at the feet of the person to which it belongs. If you pick it up, or worse, try to carry it, it will bring no good either to her or to you.

kweeble · 23/10/2023 10:03

Report her to the police and go to work - that’s the professional thing to do!

Tinkerbyebye · 23/10/2023 10:04

I would have taken the car keys, told her she couldn’t stay as you are going to work , called her a taxi and left her to it

GasPanic · 23/10/2023 10:30

Guess it depends on how good a friend she is and what she has done for you in the past.

You were kind and helped her out more than many would have at cost to yourself.

I would probably wait a few days and see whether she gets back in touch and what she says. If she gets back in touch and apologises then I probably wouldn't think too much more of it, but I would explain to her how her behaviour got me into trouble, as a broad hint that it shouldn't happen again.

If she doesn't apologise or explain then next time she rocks up I would not be doing the same thing.

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