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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to assume I’ve been used

46 replies

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:27

Please help me, a pathetic f37 ASD woman, understand this. I became best friends with a stay at home dad 2 years ago. We’ve known each other for around 15 years, but only really became close in the last few years. We’re both married, me happily, him not. Recently, he told me he was in love with me and wanted me to leave my husband. I said no, but hoped we could continue to be friends. Fast forward 4 months, and he no longer wants to know me.

I feel so lost. We were so close. Having ASD, I’ve always struggled to make friends. We just clicked. He was like the perfect best friend. He was so supportive and kind, but now he’s just dropped me.

I can’t even talk to anyone about this. I can’t talk to my husband and I can’t even tell the one person I would normally go to about my worries, because it’s him doing it. He’s so cold, and I just don’t understand any of it. Our kids were best friends too. I don’t even know how to explain why we can’t see them anymore.

Maybe we were never really friends. I’ve been used, haven’t I?

OP posts:
19847499fddqqedxx · 22/10/2023 20:29

He’s overstepped the boundaries realised you were never going to leave your husband and possibly taken a step back so he gets over his feelings for you.
Sometimes when lines get blurred it’s hard to come back from so might be best for you to take a step back and not carry on the friendship. I hope that makes sense you did the right thing telling him it was never going to happen

LaviniasBigBloomers · 22/10/2023 20:32

Well, there's two possible explanations.

The first one is that yes, you've been used, he wasn't your friend at all, he was just trying to get into your knickers. Maybe his wife has got wind of something and he has had to shut the relationship down.

The second one is that he has genuinely fallen for you but you haven't fallen for him. He can't keep on 'being friends' with you because he has romantic feelings for you. It's unkind of you to expect the relationship to carry on as it did before - his feelings have changed and he can't maintain a 'friendship' status quo. He certainly can't remain in his marriage honestly while continuing to see you, that would be incredibly unfair to his wife.

Either way, you have to let this one go unless you are planning on starting an affair with him.

MuggleMe · 22/10/2023 20:32

I don't think you've been used. I'm sure he's missing you terribly, but knowing you have a happy marriage yet he has romantic feelings for you, he's had to cut all ties or jeopardise your own marriage. He's been hugely selfless.

PonyPatter44 · 22/10/2023 20:32

He probably just wanted sex. When it became clear that you didn't want a sexual relationship with him, he wandered off. It happens, OP, its no reflection on you. Sorry that you've lost your friend though.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 22/10/2023 20:32

I don't think you've been used. I think he's told you about his feelings in hopes they were reciprocated. Since they aren't, he's taking a step back to spare his own feelings. It would be extremely difficult for him to carry on as normal after being rejected. I don't think the friendship will survive this. If you need to talk to someone, confide in your husband. You've not done anything wrong and DH can hopefully suppport you.

rwalker · 22/10/2023 20:34

The best thing for both of you is for him to step away from you if he does genuinely have feelings for you

Hibambinos · 22/10/2023 20:35

He is acting to save you both from heartache. If he hangs around he is effectively messing with both your marriages, if he backs off he could potentially save his and stop interfering with yours.
I think he is doing the right thing. Respect this, be civil and polite but accept the friendship is over.

Loopylemon2 · 22/10/2023 20:37

You've not been used?

He took a chance, but it didn't pay off, so he's taken himself out of the situation. Respect his decision and space, step back and keep living your life happily.

Original poster
Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:40

The problem is that he’s also friends with DH.

I do think it was genuine love. Not him just after sex.

But if he was genuinely pulling back because he couldn’t be around me anymore, surely he would still care? He’s just like a different person now. He doesn’t seem to care at all.

I just feel so alone and like I can never trust anyone ever again. I miss him so much and I don’t know how to get over the rejection. I suppose it would be impossible to be friends now, but I can’t get over how little he cares after a few short months.

OP posts:
Pinkshoppingbag · 22/10/2023 20:42

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:40

The problem is that he’s also friends with DH.

I do think it was genuine love. Not him just after sex.

But if he was genuinely pulling back because he couldn’t be around me anymore, surely he would still care? He’s just like a different person now. He doesn’t seem to care at all.

I just feel so alone and like I can never trust anyone ever again. I miss him so much and I don’t know how to get over the rejection. I suppose it would be impossible to be friends now, but I can’t get over how little he cares after a few short months.

He probably does care, but to protect himself he needs to act as he's acting.

Original poster
Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:46

Thank you for your responses.
I will try and move on and make new friends. I just know that I won’t get over this as I don’t cope with rejection well and I have to see him on the school run every day. He’s also still friends with DH, so he’s always going to be there in the background.

OP posts:
moonbeammagic · 22/10/2023 20:58

I don't think you were being used, ut he has done the right thing by stepping back. He is friends with your husband and he has feelings for you - you can't continue a friendship with him, it just won't end well. Keep your distance and find other friends.

Pleatherandlace · 22/10/2023 21:01

You haven’t been “used”, what do you think you have been “used” for?
your friendship is over as one of you has developed feelings. He has stepped back to protect himself and to hopefully work on his relationship with his wife. I understand that you miss him but you cannot be friends again.

KrisAkabusi · 22/10/2023 21:01

I just feel so alone and like I can never trust anyone ever again. I miss him so much and I don’t know how to get over the rejection

You (understandably) rejected him, not the other way around. He's probably feeling the exact same as you.

Photographsandmemories · 22/10/2023 21:06

Not used. I think he tried to play you (lure you into an affair), which was shit of him, but now he's backed off. Focus on your marriage and how you didn't have your head turned by the attention. That's great thing and shows what a strong and honorable person you are.

If this happened to me I would confide in my husband so he knew the other bloke tried to butt into the marriage. I think he ought to know, probably- but you would be the best judge there.

Also- friendship is harder as you get older. I don't know how many real life friends I have anymore. That's not pathetic, just how it is for a lot of us. Don't put yourself down.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 22/10/2023 21:09

If he's good friends with your DH, won't he pick up on the sudden distance between you and ex-friend? If it comes out that ex-friend propositioned you and you kept if from him, he's going to wonder why. I think honesty is the best policy here.

WinterDeWinter · 22/10/2023 21:11

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:46

Thank you for your responses.
I will try and move on and make new friends. I just know that I won’t get over this as I don’t cope with rejection well and I have to see him on the school run every day. He’s also still friends with DH, so he’s always going to be there in the background.

OP it's not a rejection - quite the opposite. The most likely explanation is that he really has strong romantic feelings for you and simply cannot switch them off and 'go back to how things were'.

Mourn the loss of the friendship - it can be very hard. But the friendship was real and good - that's what has led him to have these strong feelings for you.

Original poster
Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:11

I think by ‘used’ I meant that it wasn’t really a friendship. It feels like it was all a lie to get into a relationship with me.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 22/10/2023 21:12

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:11

I think by ‘used’ I meant that it wasn’t really a friendship. It feels like it was all a lie to get into a relationship with me.

Or it could be that the friendship led to strong feelings?

Only you can know whether he's a tosser or someone who's genuinely in pain and needs to withdraw.

Original poster
Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:13

That’s actually quite comforting. Thank you.
I do want to believe it was a real friendship, even if it never will be again.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 22/10/2023 21:13

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:11

I think by ‘used’ I meant that it wasn’t really a friendship. It feels like it was all a lie to get into a relationship with me.

That's my instinct. And get into a relationship have sex

Original poster
Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:15

Sorry this was a response to WinterDeWinter. Still working this site out.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 22/10/2023 21:16

They've made the quote function, which is the easiest way to respond directly to a poster, really hard to find !

slithytoveisascientist · 22/10/2023 21:17

How on earth is he good friends with your DH if he could betray him like that

Are you going to tell your DH

WhateverMate · 22/10/2023 21:18

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 20:46

Thank you for your responses.
I will try and move on and make new friends. I just know that I won’t get over this as I don’t cope with rejection well and I have to see him on the school run every day. He’s also still friends with DH, so he’s always going to be there in the background.

I would be absolutely fuming if I was him and you didn't tell him that his 'friend' wanted you to divorce him and start a relationship with him instead.

Why on earth are you allowing your husband to be made a fool of too by this man?