Page 2 | AIBU to assume I’ve been used

Asdmumma · 2023-10-22T19:27:13+00:00

Please help me, a pathetic f37 ASD woman, understand this. I became best friends with a stay at home dad 2 years ago. We’ve known each other for around 15 years, but only really became close in the last few years. We’re both married, me happily, him not. Recently, he told me he was in love with me and wanted me to leave my husband. I said no, but hoped we could continue to be friends. Fast forward 4 months, and he no longer wants to know me. I feel so lost. We were so close. Having ASD, I’ve always struggled to make friends. We just clicked. He was like the perfect best friend. He was so supportive and kind, but now he’s just dropped me. I can’t even talk to anyone about this. I can’t talk to my husband and I can’t even tell the one person I would normally go to about my worries, because it’s him doing it. He’s so cold, and I just don’t understand any of it. Our kids were best friends too. I don’t even know how to explain why we can’t see them anymore. Maybe we were never really friends. I’ve been used, haven’t I?

LylaLee · 22/10/2023 21:20

slithytoveisascientist · 22/10/2023 21:17

How on earth is he good friends with your DH if he could betray him like that

Are you going to tell your DH

He's not a friend to you or your DH

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:23

slithytoveisascientist · 22/10/2023 21:17

How on earth is he good friends with your DH if he could betray him like that

Are you going to tell your DH

Ah, found the quote function. My DH, as lovely as he is, wouldn’t really notice for a long time. He doesn’t pay much attention to to things like that. I worry it’s going to cause too many issues in their friend group. I think by the time DH notices, I can just say we grew apart.

Ex-bf has also distanced himself a little from his male friends lately. He’s a little quiet with everyone, but communication is now non-existent with me.

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Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:25

WhateverMate · 22/10/2023 21:18

I would be absolutely fuming if I was him and you didn't tell him that his 'friend' wanted you to divorce him and start a relationship with him instead.

Why on earth are you allowing your husband to be made a fool of too by this man?

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I hadn’t really thought of it like that. I thought I was protecting my DH.

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WhateverMate · 22/10/2023 21:26

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:23

Ah, found the quote function. My DH, as lovely as he is, wouldn’t really notice for a long time. He doesn’t pay much attention to to things like that. I worry it’s going to cause too many issues in their friend group. I think by the time DH notices, I can just say we grew apart.

Ex-bf has also distanced himself a little from his male friends lately. He’s a little quiet with everyone, but communication is now non-existent with me.

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Do you actually like your DH?

It's bad enough you haven't told him what his so called friend has done but now you're actually going to lie to him about it too?

That would mean both this 'friend' and his wife making an utter fool out of him.

Just tell him.

Whattodowithit88 · 22/10/2023 21:27

You haven’t been used. His fallen in love but he can’t have you, that really hurts so the best thing is for him to put space between you. He is acting in his best interests, his not doing it to hurt you, but this is the way it has to be. You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can control your actions, he took a shot which is fair enough and it didn’t work out for him, that’s life. He is doing the best thing by the both of you. Of course it’s sad you have lost a friend, but people loose best friends regularly, it happens for lots of reasons.

neverenoughplants · 22/10/2023 21:28

19847499fddqqedxx · 22/10/2023 20:29

He’s overstepped the boundaries realised you were never going to leave your husband and possibly taken a step back so he gets over his feelings for you.
Sometimes when lines get blurred it’s hard to come back from so might be best for you to take a step back and not carry on the friendship. I hope that makes sense you did the right thing telling him it was never going to happen

Totally agree with this, esp about the lines getting blurred

If you've been friends (or at least known each other) for 15 years, then my interpretation is that it genuinely was a friendship at first, but at some point he has developed feelings for you. That probably didn't happen overnight, it was probably a gradual development and then realisation for him, but it's one that he finds difficult to come back from now. Those feelings are still there for him, and now he's had to face the truth that they're unrequited, it's probably a big thing to process

You definitely did the right thing and I can understand feeling used. You haven't done anything wrong, it's entirely about how he's managing his feelings. I think it's more that for him it can't be a straightforward friendship any more (or at least not right now). He should have communicated that a bit better e.g. "I just need a bit of time but I do still want to be friends, even if we don't see each other as much". (Granted, he might not be sure if he can handle a friendship at all, so may be hard to predict how it's going to pan out)

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:31

WhateverMate · 22/10/2023 21:26

Do you actually like your DH?

It's bad enough you haven't told him what his so called friend has done but now you're actually going to lie to him about it too?

That would mean both this 'friend' and his wife making an utter fool out of him.

Just tell him.

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Of course I do. What a strange question.
I will take your point on board though.

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MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 21:32

">Recently, he told me he was in love with me and wanted me to leave my husband. I said no, but hoped we could continue to be friends. Fast forward 4 months, and he no longer wants to know me.^

OP. How could you fall for that? Men are pathetic. They just need a woman (women) to fix their life.

If you are not happy in your marriage that is a different thing to fix.

Personally, I love my life on my own without men are just getting worse sadly nowadays around.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/10/2023 21:34

As a married woman l don't think it's wise to have such a close friendship with a guy where he is the one you share things with and the only one you can talk to. That role is for your dh. So it's probably best he has distanced himself as you want to stay married and there was a danger your marriage was going to be affected.
It will hurt for a while but work on that closeness with your dh and bit by bit the pain will ease.

BagOfBollocks · 22/10/2023 21:37

You've done nothing wrong in the friendship, but not telling your DH would IMO be very wrong as it would be almost like colluding with the guy.

How horrible for the two of you to be keeping a secret like that from him and allowing him to think this man is actually his friend.

I would see that as betrayal from both of you.

MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 21:40

I would see that as betrayal from both of you.

Absolutely OP. Get your big girl pants on and do some soul searching.

Afraid to be alone? Better than being a ping pong by men, believe me.

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:41

junebirthdaygirl · 22/10/2023 21:34

As a married woman l don't think it's wise to have such a close friendship with a guy where he is the one you share things with and the only one you can talk to. That role is for your dh. So it's probably best he has distanced himself as you want to stay married and there was a danger your marriage was going to be affected.
It will hurt for a while but work on that closeness with your dh and bit by bit the pain will ease.

I can’t see myself getting close to anyone now!

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ClareBlue · 22/10/2023 21:43

So he's friends with your husband and at the same time is asking behind your husband's back for his wife to leave to be with him.
How is that a friend of your husband. It's a sneaky shit, in my opinion.

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:45

BagOfBollocks · 22/10/2023 21:37

You've done nothing wrong in the friendship, but not telling your DH would IMO be very wrong as it would be almost like colluding with the guy.

How horrible for the two of you to be keeping a secret like that from him and allowing him to think this man is actually his friend.

I would see that as betrayal from both of you.

Ok, point taken. I will find an opportunity to bring this up. 😬
I hope this won’t cause issues for ex-bfs wife as I would assume he’s going to stay with her and make a go of things as I know they’re still together.

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Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:46

ClareBlue · 22/10/2023 21:43

So he's friends with your husband and at the same time is asking behind your husband's back for his wife to leave to be with him.
How is that a friend of your husband. It's a sneaky shit, in my opinion.

I’m still making sense of the situation, but yeah, you are right.

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ClareBlue · 22/10/2023 21:49

And the devastation you keep professing indicates way more than friendship. Surely the person you talk to, get close too, work through your feelings with, is actually your husband. The one who your mutal friend has no problem in trying to persuade their spouse to leave them, whilst being his friend.
Why are you nor seeing how bad his behaviour has been and why would you want to even stay friends with someone that thinks so little of your husband that he thinks he can take his wife away from him.

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:54

ClareBlue · 22/10/2023 21:49

And the devastation you keep professing indicates way more than friendship. Surely the person you talk to, get close too, work through your feelings with, is actually your husband. The one who your mutal friend has no problem in trying to persuade their spouse to leave them, whilst being his friend.
Why are you nor seeing how bad his behaviour has been and why would you want to even stay friends with someone that thinks so little of your husband that he thinks he can take his wife away from him.

It can indicate whatever you think, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was never anything other than friendship on my part. It is possible to be devastated about friendships ending.

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BagOfBollocks · 22/10/2023 21:54

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:45

Ok, point taken. I will find an opportunity to bring this up. 😬
I hope this won’t cause issues for ex-bfs wife as I would assume he’s going to stay with her and make a go of things as I know they’re still together.

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It might or it might not but that's on him, not you.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 21:56

He didn’t use you and if he does feel like this then it’s best he distances himself.

you do need to tell your husband though, it’s not right not to.

Original poster

Asdmumma · 22/10/2023 21:59

This is gelping me to make sense of it all and realise that he’s not someone I should be friends with. I guess I’m devastated about losing what I thought it was, when really I’ve lost someone who hasn’t been a good friend to my DH and who can’t really be my friend anymore.

I’ll also miss his son. I’m hoping our sons are young enough that they’ll move on quickly. They’re in different years at school, but may still see each other around at school I guess.

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CrabbiesGingerBeer · 22/10/2023 22:17

In terms of telling your DH, flip it around.

If a female friend of your DH who was also a friend of yours had made a strong pass at him, would you want to know? I certainly would - if only so I didn’t confide personal things about my (hypothetical) marriage in someone with every reason to try and wind me up and get me to think my marriage had major problems!