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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what point should parents intervene?

45 replies

MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 13:48

I was at a local cafe this morning with a soft play area. I had DS1 (3.5y) and DS2 (12m) with me. There were four other children at the soft play, all around 3-4years old, and as their parents were sitting together, I think they knew each other.

In the hour that we were there, one girl (similar age to DS1) snatched everything my 3.5y/o picked up. When he tried to play with equipment, she would push in front of him so that he couldn't use it. She also blocked him from entering the little wendy-house and told the other children not to let him in. She was nice and inclusive to all of the other children.

DS was very polite in return, saying "please stop" and often finding something else to do if she wouldn't let him play with something. I said "we can all share" pointedly at a few points, and encouraged my son when he was being polite ("well done DS, it is good to be kind"). At no point did this girl's parent say a word to her about her behavior, and none of the other parents were really watching their children.

The time I chose to remove DS from the situation was when the girl went up to him and whispered something and my DS burst into tears. He came over to me and I gave him a cuddle and he said she told him that "your mummy will go home without you and leave you here all by yourself." I couldn't believe a 3-year-old would say something so malicious. At the same time, DS may not have got it entirely right, so I said "right, we're going to go home. You have been a really well-behaved boy, DS." We left and I told DS that sometimes people aren't very nice, but it's important that we are kind.

Should I have stepped in and said something to either the girl or the mum? I feel awful for DS, but I didn't want to overstep. What is the correct course of action here?

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 22/10/2023 13:51

I would have said something. Can you please go away, you're upsetting my son. You wouldn't have to raise your voice.

Awkward when you have to tell off another child, but I'd have been raging. Mostly at the lazy, feckless parents.

Createausername1970 · 22/10/2023 13:51

It's awkward, and whilst I might say you should have made the other parent/s aware, I am not sure I would have done, especially when there was a group of them.

I would have done what you have done, removed my child and made him feel safe and loved.

Topseyt123 · 22/10/2023 13:54

Why on earth would you tell him to be kind to a child who was being anything but kind to him? You tell him to come to you and you will deal with it.

Of course you should have intervened and told the horrid brat girl in no uncertain terms to back off and let your DS play. I'd even have approached her parents if I was sure who they were, and possibly staff if not or if parents were too feckless or unwilling to do anything.

Being kind should not mean being wishy-washy, or a doormat.

MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 13:54

I'd have told the girl's parents that she was being a horrible little shit and suggested that they might like to do some parenting.

Original poster
MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 13:57

I think if the other parents weren't in a group, I'd have said something, but anything I said to her would've been to a group of 8-9 other adults.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 13:58

In that case I'd probably have told the little girl herself that she was a nasty piece of work and if she carried on like that she'd have no friends and waited to see if she told her parents.

Original poster
MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 13:59

@MargotBamborough She may have been acting like a brat, but she is only 3.

OP posts:
EmeraldTheSeahorse · 22/10/2023 13:59

Gosh why on earth didn’t you say anything to the parents or to the child? Were you scared of them? Can’t believe you just left and didn’t say anything?! You’ve shown him you won’t stick up for him.

maddening · 22/10/2023 14:00

I would have gone in the soft play with my ds and when the girl was out of order would have told her directly to stop - not raising my voice but stern. Eg when she blocked him at the Wendy house i would have told her directly to move.

MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 14:01

Although if you were brave enough it would probably be much more embarrassing for them if you went over all shocked and said, "Excuse me, does anyone know who this little girl belongs to? She's been absolutely horrible to my little boy, shoving him off the play equipment for the last half an hour, and now she's just told him that I was going to go home without him and leave him all alone and he's crying. He's only three."

ToadOnTheHill · 22/10/2023 14:01

I'd have been much firmer with the girl and frassed her up to management if it carried on.

MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 14:01

MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 13:59

@MargotBamborough She may have been acting like a brat, but she is only 3.

Yeah but if no one says anything she'll be like that only ten times worse when she is 15.

Teachingteacher · 22/10/2023 14:02

I think you handled it perfectly. I don’t think the parents would have been very agreeable had you been firmer with the girl. I also agree that it makes it more awkward that they were in a group. Her behaviour was not as ‘obvious’, as she didn’t push or hit him, which would have been easier to correct. Excluding and whispering things is still awful, but much harder to prove.

Such a shame the experience was spoiled for your DS. I hate situations like that.

Blanketpolicy · 22/10/2023 14:02

I would have told the child themselves their behaviour was horrible and she was going to be very lonely if she kept behaving like that.

If she kept it up I would inform the staff she is bullying other children and ask them to deal with it. In the past the two times I have got staff involved they have been very good at telling parents there is a problems and to supervise their children closer or leave.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/10/2023 14:03

Oh dear, this little girl is being so rude! Come on Jimmy, let’s get going. Would you like x or y for lunch?

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 22/10/2023 14:04

I was at a splash pad with mine in the summer and my dd came over to tell me a child kept blocking her every time she went over to one of the fountains and wouldn’t let her use it, so I got up and went over to where she was and stood in front of her and said to dd “is this little girl being horrible to you? Well let’s see if she does it when I’m here” Well she left and never done it again simple 🤷🏻‍♀️ and of course didn’t tell her parents because how does she explain she was stopping a child from using the fountain? You really need to get better at sticking up for your child, I can’t imagine telling dd we are leaving.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 22/10/2023 14:05

I stopped taking my own DC to soft play around this age for that reason. DC was non-verbal with additional needs and other people's precious little nasty brats constantly picked on her, knowing nobody would know. Meanwhile their parents sat either blissfully unaware ignoring them or fully aware but didn't care enough to intervene. It's not fair, but unfortunately the world is a nasty place now. I'd not have gotten away with it in soft play at that age. But my parents didn't have their heads stuck in phones, so actually actively watched us.

BombaySamphire · 22/10/2023 14:05

MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 13:59

@MargotBamborough She may have been acting like a brat, but she is only 3.

So what? She was acting like an absolute brat to your child, why do you have more empathy for her?
How do you know she was only 3, anyway?

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 22/10/2023 14:06

I would have whispered in her ear!

Sconehenge · 22/10/2023 14:10

When I was little a boy was bullying our little group of girls at primary school, blocking us the bathroom etc, my mum found him at the school gates and told him that if he ever bothered us again she would kill him 😂 This was the 80s though so probably not a recommended approach nowadays.

PaperSn0wAGhOst · 22/10/2023 14:14

Sconehenge · 22/10/2023 14:10

When I was little a boy was bullying our little group of girls at primary school, blocking us the bathroom etc, my mum found him at the school gates and told him that if he ever bothered us again she would kill him 😂 This was the 80s though so probably not a recommended approach nowadays.

Edited

It’s a shame we don’t do that anymore. Sometimes kids need to be told not to be shits.

Original poster
MooseBreath · 22/10/2023 14:15

Ok, so it seems the consensus is that I should have spoken directly to the child. I will do that if it ever happens again.

DS knows I am there for him. I praised his good behaviour loud enough for the girl and the parents to hear and gave cuddles when he was upset.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 22/10/2023 14:20

MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 14:01

Yeah but if no one says anything she'll be like that only ten times worse when she is 15.

Show quote history

This is true, I’ve seen it action very recently. 15 year old has alienated herself completely.

This is why I stopped going to soft plays eventually when my kids were younger. Full of unkind, entitled children with disinterested parents in my experience. I didn’t want to have to manage those situations any more.

IfYouDontAsk · 22/10/2023 14:22

My stance is that if people are that bothered about other people correcting their child’s behaviour they need to be physically close by and supervising their child close enough so that other people don’t have to. So I have no qualms about telling someone else’s child to stop being unpleasant when there’s no parent to be seen or they’ve got their face buried in their phone.

If I can see the parents and they look like they’re going to be trouble then I take my child away.

IfYouDontAsk · 22/10/2023 14:25

Have to say though I always avoided soft play because they tend to attract lazy parents that don’t watch their kids (before anyone has a go at me, I am not saying that every parent at soft play is lazy, but that soft plays are a magnet for those parents that are).