At what point should parents intervene?

[MooseBreath]

I was at a local cafe this morning with a soft play area. I had DS1 (3.5y) and DS2 (12m) with me. There were four other children at the soft play, all around 3-4years old, and as their parents were sitting together, I think they knew each other.

In the hour that we were there, one girl (similar age to DS1) snatched everything my 3.5y/o picked up. When he tried to play with equipment, she would push in front of him so that he couldn't use it. She also blocked him from entering the little wendy-house and told the other children not to let him in. She was nice and inclusive to all of the other children.

DS was very polite in return, saying "please stop" and often finding something else to do if she wouldn't let him play with something. I said "we can all share" pointedly at a few points, and encouraged my son when he was being polite ("well done DS, it is good to be kind"). At no point did this girl's parent say a word to her about her behavior, and none of the other parents were really watching their children.

The time I chose to remove DS from the situation was when the girl went up to him and whispered something and my DS burst into tears. He came over to me and I gave him a cuddle and he said she told him that "your mummy will go home without you and leave you here all by yourself." I couldn't believe a 3-year-old would say something so malicious. At the same time, DS may not have got it entirely right, so I said "right, we're going to go home. You have been a really well-behaved boy, DS." We left and I told DS that sometimes people aren't very nice, but it's important that we are kind.

Should I have stepped in and said something to either the girl or the mum? I feel awful for DS, but I didn't want to overstep. What is the correct course of action here?

What a brat!
Your little boy sounds lovely. Good for you!

What I’ve done in the past in this situation is whisper to the child to ‘stop it’ in a very low firm voice. Never once has it not worked and never once have they told their parents. And if they did? So what, you can just deny it.

This happened to me a number of weeks ago, my kids (5+3)kept coming to tell me about a boy that kept hitting them and their friends, he was chasing them and following them and I had to really resist the urge to tell them to hit him back because he was being such a little shit. I did the nice mum stuff or play somewhere else. Tell him no it's not kind etc coz realistically I couldn't see most of this due to the size of the soft-play it's a very high one, but I did intervene when I saw him grab my daughter by her T-shirt and try and drag her backwards. I shouted "get off her that's not kind"
Believe me I wanted to shout more but his oblivious dad was with a big group of people and I didn't want any drama coz I was alone. I'm pretty sure he will have heard me and the boy certainly did coz he ran off. Some people use soft-play as an excuse not to pay attention to their kids. Realistically it's not the kids fault, it's the parents they should be putting a stop to this behaviour and teaching them correctly how to behave.

I always found soft play attracted the worst behaviour from kids and their parents too. Many seemed to think it equaled leaving their offspring to roam free while they sat about eating constantly and ignoring poor behaviour, like it was no longer their job.

I personally would have said something along the lines of "which of you is responsible for this child?" and when the feckless moron made themselves known I would've said to them exactly what they said to your son and suggest they actually supervise the little horror.

Your poor DS, well done you for reinforcing that his behaviour was good.

I have 3 young DC so basically live in parks, playgrounds and soft play. I’ve found a bright, breezy, non emotive but direct address to the child has worked just fine, it has never been a problem with either the child or the parent, they have simply done as told because I am a stranger and they know they are in the wrong. An example - “Ah can you let DS go down the slide pleeeaaase 😊”.

If you approach a child or parent with an upset demeanour over their behaviour, for some reason people take that as a confrontation and children smell weakness.

At the end of the day young kids lack the levels of empathy we have by miles and so it’s fairly normal for even good kids to occasionally act shitty. The point is the parents should be intervening; while some parents don’t care most are decent and may just be needing a moment to themselves or whatever. Your reaction tends to dictate the atmosphere/reaction in return, and I find it helpful to remember that.

This is what I dont get though; this would massively escalate the situation, it’s completely disproportionate and you would come across as raving tbh.

(I also doubt anyone who is saying this would actually do so, it sounds like a “and then everybody clapped” type scenario”

I have been in a similar situation and done exactly this.

Firm and clear 'no', and 'we are playing with this toy please wait your turn'.

Combined with a hard Paddington stare should undesirable behaviour continue.

If the other child didn't improve and was still being troublesome I'd probably say let's find your mummy, then I'd say something. I am that parent! My daughter recently called me her fierce mummy bear. She's now an adult.

You are being firm and directing a child in the proper ways of polite playing. If my child was being a nuisance I'd not be upset if another mother did as I was doing.

It doesn't matter that she is only three. You should have at least told her off firmly and stood up for your DS.

You praised your DS's good behaviour and that is all well and good, but it is only half of the story. You effectively let a horrid brat of a three year old bully the pair of you out of the soft play centre instead of standing your ground so that your DS could enjoy his treat. You and he were as entitled to be there as horrid brat girl, but you let her effectively chase you away.

That is not being kind. It is being wishy-washy, though I am sure you can look back on it and see that. So you hopefully won't make that mistake again.

You sound such a lovely, sweet person OP. I appreciate you instilling these values in your DC and think the world needs more parents to do that.

If my DC had behaved like that little girl and I have ND kids, I'd have made them apologise and left.
We see on here "gentle parenting" is so disliked but i truly believe in natural consequences and for my kids to upset other children the consequences are, you're going fucking home after a genuine apology to the kids day your behaviour is spoiling.

It's hard with young kids knowing what to do, as the old saying, they don't come with a manual.

It can be intimidating also in areas with lots of parents to say something, but you need to.
Whilst inside you may be thinking, "little arsehole, I'd love to drop kick your 3 year old arse", I find, "hello, this is DC, he would like to play here, we can all take turns, can't we?" Or similar.

I've had to literally carry my son and wrestle him into his specialist buggy to allow him to let other kids take turns, there's no fucking excuse for kids to not have turns and my lad is hard work, this kid just sounds entitled if she was letting the other kids, (I presume she knew them if her mam was sat with other parents) play. Kids push boundaries if they think they can and your DC needs to see how you respond to that, whilst teaching kindness and understanding, even empathy that you were to him, which is admirable, but he needs to learn from example he can be those things without being a push over.

It's a minefield to navigate having young DC and wanting to teach them respectful behaviour but also, not wanting them to be so nice they're unable to stand up for themselves which I hope to get to grips with myself and my eldest is in college now.

My oldest DC was a wee little pushover so I hated soft play, actually, this is shameful now I'm old enough to know better but I once said when some kid much smaller than him was picking on him, "if you don't tell him to knock it off I'll deck his dad".
Not my finest moment but the fear I was going to drop a large man, which I might add, I wasn't really going to do, but that was enough to make him think, shite, best not let this lunatic get involved 😂

Being passive aggressive isn't always enough.

Sometimes you have to speak to the child firmly and directly, whilst being fully aware this might mean the other parent getting involved.

Personally I wouldn't have made my child leave.

Some kids get a bit feral at soft play. Most parents either are looking at their phones or chatting to their friends.
I think what you did was fine, non confrontational etc. I did what another mum said, I went and stood by them and said who isn’t letting you play? That often did the trick. I once told the mum their dc was ‘so spirited’ other kids couldn’t play, perhaps she could see if she was ok as she had been blocking the slide from the others for a good 15 mins.

Yes, I’m with you. The weird thing is I’ve been criticised on here before for supervising DS as I know he can push other kids when tired!

And when I said spirited, I hoped she was on mn so understood her kid was a little shit.

I'm a teacher, so I use my teacher voice and calmly intervene all the time. Sometimes it triggers parents to come and intervene with their children themselves, but mostly they continue doing nothing. I've never had a parent complain.
To be honest, I think those who don't want to bother parenting at that moment are often quite happy to have someone else do it for them.

"Everyone gets to play" and "we're playing with that at the moment" will probably work for you in that situation. Straightforward statements.

Why does it seem that people in the UK are utterly incapable of not speaking to children they are not related to directly?

I would have said to the girl - you aren't being kind, give that back, stop pushing in, haven't your parents taught you to share/wait your turn?

And if it persisted i would have asked which her parent is.

And told them they need to put a stop to it.

I would have told the xhild we don't do x, y or z and ask nicely for them to stop or allow others a go, with authority, not shouting. You show your kids you have their back whilst not causing a commotion and show then how to stick up for themselves civilly

We're playing with X right now, maybe you can play with that over there? - Loudly, as nauseam.

The last comment would have had me asking the group of adults LOUDLY "Who owns this child?" And repeat what she said, adding it's a bit odd for a small child to say. Shame the parents for their little brat.

And stop telling your son to be nice/kind to people who are not being nice or kind. He'll be landed into a situation where someone grossly oversteps and he'll feel he has to be nice and kind still. Stop it.

I would have told the little girl to go away and told the mother she needs to supervise her daughter and that her child is behaving like a brat. I’ve no time for parents who are that lazy.

I noticed at soft plays/playgrounds there is always this small group of parents that leave their children to their own devices. They are either on the phone or sitting far away chatting.

I always feel a bit sorry for these children and of course you can't intervene if there's behavioural issues if you're not supervising your child.

I'm so sorry that this happened to your son, OP.