Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To teach DS responsible swearing?

38 replies

Viogner · 21/10/2023 20:09

DS(11) has just started secondary school. He is my sweet, innocent baby.

This evening we watched Independence Day together and at the point at which they flew the missile into the mothership, he bounced up and down and shouted "YEAH! Nuke the fuck out of them!" Then, apparently dimly aware of the horrified looks on our faces, looked at me all wide-eyed and shrugged and said "what"?

Full disclosure: I LOVE a good hearty swear. When done well, I think swearing is both cathartic and potentially impactful. But it is a real skill. Used as punctuation it just becomes an irritating, aggressive noise.

So, I'm contemplating teaching DS how and when to swear. So, obviously, NEVER at school, NEVER in response to aggression and NEVER when there is no obvious benefit to it. But sometimes, just sometimes, there is a place for it...

Am I being unreasonable to introduce him to really GOOD examples of swearing (I'm so tempted to use The Thick of It but actually I think Monty Python is generally better) or is this terrible terrible parenting?

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 21/10/2023 20:12

They’re just words that someone at sometime decided was uncouth and shouldn’t be said. Bizarre really. I don’t care about swearing, I just tell my kids not to swear AT people, or at school/company. And if they use a word to know what it means.

BrieEncounter · 21/10/2023 20:13

I have toddlers but when they get to a similar age I am thinking along the same lines of you

My parents had a similar approach with me and my DB. Same with drinking/smoking/staying out etc (obviously older age than 11). Their approach was to teach, encourage and give some responsibility

We had healthy swearing in our house but I was always clear of the boundaries

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 20:14

Just leave him be, he's not stupid and if he hasn't worked out yet where he can/can't swear, he soon will.

He shrugged and said 'what'? because he wasn't bothered that he swore in front of you, that's all.

LolaSmiles · 21/10/2023 20:15

I think there's worse content out there for secondary aged children than a bit of well-placed, effective swearing.

I'm not sure that your approach will stop him swearing in the playground at school though. It's a natural right of passage.

Original poster
Viogner · 21/10/2023 20:16

@WhateverMate oh no. If DS says "what?" it's wide-eyed and worried (he's autistic so he worries about whether he's messed up). The shrug is bravado.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 21/10/2023 20:16

Yup 100% my lad is now 20, I’ve never heard him swear inappropriately and yet he’s been allowed to freely swear at home and when he was younger I used to give him say 2 mins to shout and swear as much as he wanted, he used to love being able to verbalise them and helps their energy / mood etc, it’s a great release!

Original poster
Viogner · 21/10/2023 20:18

I like this. I want him to be able to control it and use its power rather than just punctuate his sentences with it.

OP posts:
Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 21/10/2023 20:18

My son is 11, year 7. I’m sure he swears a lot with his friends. He knows I’m not bothered by this and knows when I would be. iE, on his game when we’re all home and could hear him, if he was with friends but other people especially young children were in earshot and in school lessons. Otherwise he’s good to go really.

HopAPot · 21/10/2023 20:18

11! The innocence.
I am awful for swearing, blame my low station in life and lack of intelligence, but my children have always been told you never swear in front of adults, never at school and certainly never AT anyone. They know swear words but never use them, 8 year old has said him and his friends talk about them but know they are terribly rude. He goes to a very naice private school so I hope they only swear in beautifully written cursive 😁

whereisthecheese · 21/10/2023 20:19

I've been teaching mine for a while (younger than yours) but if your DS is autistic I would definitely teach him. No one else will ever teach him the social rules of swearing and if he struggles to understand social rules he will likely need that help

LadyWhineglass · 21/10/2023 20:19

I always had “car words” with my two DCs and everything apart from the MF work and the C word (them, not me) were allowed as long as only DCs and I were in the car. I firmly believe 11+ children need to know the words as they will hear them at school. They need to know how to use the words in an appropriate manner ie not say “FFS Granny get in the MFing car already we haven’t got all fing day.”

theduchessofspork · 21/10/2023 20:20

Only by example

He has to find his own sweary path

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 20:20

Viogner · 21/10/2023 20:16

@WhateverMate oh no. If DS says "what?" it's wide-eyed and worried (he's autistic so he worries about whether he's messed up). The shrug is bravado.

Might've been best to mention that in your OP?

I was going to say it's not 'terrible parenting', just unnecessary helicopter parenting but that was before you mentioned he's autistic.

So yeah, your idea might be a good one 🤷‍♂️

TeenDivided · 21/10/2023 20:21

Only if he will have the ability to turn swearing on and off.
If he won't (mine don't) then the better rule is no swearing.

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2023 20:21

I think his swearing was appropriately used in this scenario, according to your criteria: cathartic. He was caught up in the moment and used it ‘properly’ - you were just shocked to hear it.

If you want to teach him he shouldn’t swear at home/in front of you etc, then by all means do that - but I’m not sure (particularly if he’s autistic) that your rules of appropriate swearing are helpful - you’d need to be very sure of what you are teaching?

Lorelaigilmore88 · 21/10/2023 20:23

Teach him how to express himself effectively with many of the other fantastic words in the English language. My mum was ridiculously strict about swearing growing up and I'm aware things have changed. But I honestly think that it makes people sound moronic and an 11 year old swearing is awful imo.
Let him swear when hes older.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 20:24

I may be an old hippy, but the "fuck" is my least concern about that sentence!

But "time and place" is the important lesson here. My line was that if you hit your thumb with a hammer anything went, but swearing was not used in a family setting as a routine adjective. I had no control over what went on when I wasn't there. And there was an absolute ban on "cunt", or any other misogynist language.
We did watch The Thick Of It at about that age. Well, the kids and I did. Too sweary for DP!!

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2023 20:26

By the way, at this age we do watch a lot of TV as a family that’s ‘sweary’ (we’re currently watching Mrs Maisel which is full of fucks) so your idea is not terrible in terms of teaching it as comic punctuation etc but I’m not sure you can get the social rules from TV…

Merryoldgoat · 21/10/2023 20:29

I swear, my husband swears. My son (10) likes to try it out. We have rules:

only in the house
never at anyone else
never when we have guests

We have zero issue with his language and he has a great vocabulary.

lunar1 · 21/10/2023 20:30

My sons are in secondary, the don't swear where I can hear them, they don't swear around teachers or other adults. We've spoken about it, as long as they know when and where it's appropriate that's fine.

Original poster
Viogner · 21/10/2023 20:32

LadyWhineglass · 21/10/2023 20:19

I always had “car words” with my two DCs and everything apart from the MF work and the C word (them, not me) were allowed as long as only DCs and I were in the car. I firmly believe 11+ children need to know the words as they will hear them at school. They need to know how to use the words in an appropriate manner ie not say “FFS Granny get in the MFing car already we haven’t got all fing day.”

This made me laugh on many levels, not least because I may have introduced "car words" early on when he was in the back and I was being cut up by a BMW...

He's a smart lad so I'm tempted to avoid "rules" as such and instead couch it as a skill. He tends to buy into such things.

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 21/10/2023 20:34

If you ds is autistic there is a strong chance you will have to explicitly teach him how and when to swear rather than hoping he just picks up when it is ok to.
We've had heaps of issues with my son not getting it for quite a while.

halesie · 21/10/2023 20:34

OP do what you think is best for him but probably best to just make sure where it's acceptable (home?) and where it's not (obvs school etc).

My DC are both autistic, one knows he must never swear in hearing distance of school staff and the other is finding out the hard way Blush

Beyond that it's all down to preference and you could do some good bonding over python or the thick of it.

After all, we're all individuals (I'm not).

halesie · 21/10/2023 20:35

*make sure he knows where it's acceptabel

halesie · 21/10/2023 20:36

*acceptable

aaaarrrggh