I actually don’t think I can do this again tomorrow, I am at rock bottom with my baby

[northjsouth]

I’m on my own, fully. My family are great but since I had DS I’ve been on my own quite literally from day one. I’m the only person who has ever changed his nappy, for example. He is 11 months. I am due to go back to work in a month. I don’t know why I decided to take this extra month, I just thought I wanted him to be 1 before he was properly at nursery. He will be going 3 days when I am back at work.

I massively underestimated how much money I would be spending. I won’t be paid this month and I will have to use my savings to pay off the credit card bill of 1,400 I have spent since August. I only have 6k savings so this is a massive dent in it. So stressed.

My baby is driving me mad. It is CONSTANT. I had a cry on the car park at Tesco today as I just can’t deal with it. He’s not even difficult I’m just so fucking done with nappies and shit everywhere all the time, endless meals and mess, no time to even think.

I feel so guilty I feel like this that it’s honestly causing me to have a breakdown as I feel so conflicted. I don’t even want him to go to nursery and that fills me with dread too. He’s been with me from day one, never had any time away from him, no exaggeration at all.

I feel like my finances are spiralling, my house is turning into a shithole, my mind is all over the place. I am so fucking bored of making up bottles, checking if he’s pooed, dealing with screaming when I leave the room for a second, having to lug him in and out of the bath when there’s been a bad nappy… I could go on but I’m too exhausted.

I was FINE before this. In the last week I’ve just fallen to pieces and had enough. Is this normal?! I suddenly feel like I just can’t do this anymore, but previously I’ve always had everything under control. I’m so sad and stressed. I hate myself and constantly feel I’m just getting through the day.

If you don't usually feel like this, I expect you're just having a bad day? Kudos for getting through the last 11 months all on your own, not easy 👏

Could you contact work/nursery and see if you can go back a bit earlier? So that you can stop stressing about money.

You're alright lovely. You just need to go back to work soon so you can get some sanity, and he needs the stimulation of a different environment and other kids!! You're both fine you just need different things and he's a tiny individual, he needs a little away time too. You've done fabulously for 11 months, well done you. Don't overthink you both just are moving out of the little baby stage xx

Can you go and visit family tomorrow, or
them come to you? Or a friend?
It really sounds like you need some adult company. Well, sounds like you need a break, but sometimes that’s not as easy to come by.
You’ve done the right thing by venting here as a start.

@SaracensMavericks he is going in 9 days for two half days to get used to it. I am really losing the plot and don’t know why I suddenly feel like this.

You have 6k savings and a good family, you'll be ok money wise. You're back at work in a month and maybe you can get back earlier. If your family are good could you ask one of them to babysit for a while so you can go out on your own for a break? Of course you're cracking up after 11 months of doing everything on your own.

He has to go to nursery and he'll be absolutely fine once he settles in. It might be that now the end is in sight it's actually harder to keep going. That happens sometimes!

@Pollyputhekettleon oh yes I hadn’t thought of that, that’s true, maybe that’s what’s changed, I can see the next stage and want to just do it.

I am just done. I can’t stand doing this anymore and I’m worried work won’t make it any better, what if I always feel like this from now on?

He's understimulated, not your fault, he just needs a wider community of playmates and people!! It happens when they get bigger, especially very "boyish" boys, might I hazard a guess you have one of those. You've done so well congratulate yourself don't feel bad xx

It's so normal to have a massive wobble when they are due to start childcare. I've done it with all three of my children, you'd think I would have got used to it! But it's some kind of primal instinctive thing I think.

But it's so worth pushing through. Once they get over the hard part, they have the best time at nursery and getting a break and space to be you again is so valuable for you.

It will be ok. See your GP on Monday if you're really struggling to cope. But I'm sure this is normal nursery wobbles.

You deserve a medal for doing the past 11 months by yourself OP! The first year was tough going. You’re clearly a caring Mum.
You both sound ready for the next step.

Firstly, hugs. Parenting is hard. Parenting solo is hard. You sound like you're at a very conflicted point in your first year - many primary carer parents feel super anxious and guilty in the lead up to going back to work and brace yourself for the first 6 months of bubs being constantly sick. It's intense. And then you feel guilty to your employer for not being able to give your all at work. It's a horrible cycle.

In terms of finances, see if you can sell anything to rustle up some extra £. Plan your meals for the next 3 weeks. See if you can have a KIT day or two at work (you only need to do 3hrs to be paid for a full day's work).

If you have ANY family within 2hrs of your home, can you ask them if they can come over to stay with you for a couple of hours? Or see if you can go to theirs for a meal or two?

As for the first point about sick of the ringmarole, I had this. I have a theory that once the adrenaline has worn off, the realization that this is the new new and is your new routine (and that this is going to last for literally years!), it's...stark. I grieved for the old life, the limitless levels of sleep, the only worrying about myself. BUT once I made peace with all that and found my zen and accepted that my child was truly a bad sleeper and to just get on with it (even though I was bone tired) I started to see the daily joys again.

Maybe set yourself a goal of getting through to Christmas and see how you're feeling? First Christmas with your baby 💕 And do reach out to your child health clinic/GP if you think they might be able to help

All the best

Bless you. Kids are hard. Babies are demanding, 24/7. Money stresses on top are hard. You do deserve a break. You say family are good, but why haven't they helped with nappies etc? Is there anyone who would have him for a bit whilst you just go for a coffee with a friend. Having adult interaction when you're back at work will help, I promise.

@BertieBotts even this young? I keep thinking he’s only 1 🥲

Happens all the time. People can put up with a lot when they have to, and weirdly it's when relief is in sight that they crack!

You can keep going, honestly, although I know it doesn't feel like it. Work will be a break, and adult company. He'll get older and easier. Before you know it there'll be no more nappies and he'll be potty trained. Many of us have been in your shoes, it passes.

But you have to get a break. Spend more of that 6k and get a babysitter in. It's incredibly unnatural for human beings to do this entirely by themselves for 11 months. Your sanity is worth a few quid to get you through the next couple of months. And ask for help from your family.

Can you get the father to look after the baby a bit? Not sure on your circumstances but otherwise ask family to give you a break?

You're his only point of contact now too, he saves all his whininess and need for you.

Him being in other environments, which it sounds like he needs, means he will learn to relate to other people and caregivers which will be good for you both. His frustration will lessen too x

I was completely on my own with DS1 too. He went to nursery when he was 20 weeks as they didn't have the Mat Leave we have now (2003). Just before he was 1 I had a bit of a breakdown too I remember. Life felt like a slog and an endless round of work or parenting. It's overwhelm and burn out. Think about if you had to do your job, without a break, in isolation for 11 months? It's a lot for anyone.

I ended up fucking off to Canada with him for 4 weeks (I worked term time then) much to everyone's chagrin. I got properly bollocked by my parents but it was the reset we both needed because we were somewhere different, we were doing stuff out of our flat and the norm. DS1 slept better after that and he started walking and talking and we puzzled through life together (although last night he was so drunk and annoying after he played his gig I could throttle him currently but generally we are good 😣). Hold on, push through, this too shall pass

Also you are doing great financially. It's 20 years later for me and I only have 4k in savings so you are winning. I think you are focussing on money because it's controllable. But honestly, you are doing very well!

I think sometimes we pace ourselves sanity wise for a fixed period, just cope and it's when that deadline comes we fall apart! Maybe this extra month was just more than you'd paced yourself for? Ask for help, visit family, do what you have to do- you've done 11 months just you- that's incredible! You can get through one more.

Ah this post says it better. It's when relief is in sight that you cracked. Exactly. You can do this.

Lots of great advice already but I just wanted to chime in to say it sounds like you’re doing so well, you say you’ve been holding it together well for 11 months so you’re overdue a bit of a meltdown - solo parenting is really tough!! As others have said, the nappies are finite and will end (even if it doesn’t seem like it right now), your DS will be fine at nursery and you’ll really benefit from adult interaction when you’re back at work. Keep going, and don’t be afraid to tap into your support network for a handhold.

It's because you can see a glimpse of freedom, Op.

Keep at it, you sound like a brilliant mum.

Would your family help if you asked?

Hi OP I’ve been where you are and I became suicidal. It turned out to be PND. You may have a bit of depression and if that’s the case then it’s worth seeing your GP.

I don’t have much advice as tbh it sounds like you’re doing a decent job of it.

I would try and get out as much as you can, fresh air and exercise always helps but if you can chat to people too then it makes it so much better.

Getting back to work will probably be a blessing as it was for me but it does come with its own challenges, so I would try and appreciate this time as much as you can.

If you try and think about how lucky you are to be at home every day and not have to get dressed smartly etc.
Binge some Netflix shows and remind yourself that you won’t ever have this much time with your LO again.

Whenever I start feeling down, I force myself to think of the positives.
Even if those positives are just that I’ve got a roof over my head and I’m not in abusive relationship, it does help to switch your mind set and help you cope.

Mine went at four and five months. He'll be fine. You'll be fine. The relief of having regular time away was incredible and I wasn't even a LP. They're now 20 and 18 and no regrets.
I hope you're getting child maintenance.

Get a blood test to see if you are anaemic. When I am anaemic I'm so exhausted I feel like I'm literally going to collapse and cry a lot.
Its worth checking.

It will be better when you’re back at work. Some adult conversations and a break from him.