I actually don’t think I can do this again tomorrow, I am at rock bottom with my baby

[northjsouth]

I’m on my own, fully. My family are great but since I had DS I’ve been on my own quite literally from day one. I’m the only person who has ever changed his nappy, for example. He is 11 months. I am due to go back to work in a month. I don’t know why I decided to take this extra month, I just thought I wanted him to be 1 before he was properly at nursery. He will be going 3 days when I am back at work.

I massively underestimated how much money I would be spending. I won’t be paid this month and I will have to use my savings to pay off the credit card bill of 1,400 I have spent since August. I only have 6k savings so this is a massive dent in it. So stressed.

My baby is driving me mad. It is CONSTANT. I had a cry on the car park at Tesco today as I just can’t deal with it. He’s not even difficult I’m just so fucking done with nappies and shit everywhere all the time, endless meals and mess, no time to even think.

I feel so guilty I feel like this that it’s honestly causing me to have a breakdown as I feel so conflicted. I don’t even want him to go to nursery and that fills me with dread too. He’s been with me from day one, never had any time away from him, no exaggeration at all.

I feel like my finances are spiralling, my house is turning into a shithole, my mind is all over the place. I am so fucking bored of making up bottles, checking if he’s pooed, dealing with screaming when I leave the room for a second, having to lug him in and out of the bath when there’s been a bad nappy… I could go on but I’m too exhausted.

I was FINE before this. In the last week I’ve just fallen to pieces and had enough. Is this normal?! I suddenly feel like I just can’t do this anymore, but previously I’ve always had everything under control. I’m so sad and stressed. I hate myself and constantly feel I’m just getting through the day.

Believe me, work will make it better!
You will be in a routine, stimulating your brain, having proper company, using your skills, earning a proper salary. All this will help you be a better, more content mum to your child. And he will learn interaction, and all sorts of other skills at nursery. Dust off that suit OP (or whatever you wear), dig out the lunchbag and start counting down the days!

DS started nursery at 12 months. The first month was hard, he didn't like being me leaving him, but after that he was excited to get there each day and went to his keyworker really happily. I felt much better being back at work too, with adult company and a break from baby stuff.

It could be so many things - 'just' a crappy few days, the weather, longer nights, you're due on, not been sleeping as well, coming down with a bug, him teething...nothing you're doing wrong, just things all piling up as you're finally seeing the chance for a break.

And you might well find that working part time is the biggest relief, as you get 3 days to be you, have a few moments' peace, go for a walk at lunch, eat what you want using a knife and fork without somebody screaming at you for a taste, hours without the smell of poo, puke or sour milk - and then the rest of the week to be with your toddler (and they get far better company once they can argue back talk rather than scream at you)

Could this be a bit of depression?

Take time for yourself, have him minded, get a babysitter if not family, ask nursery can he start sooner, ask work if you can start sooner. Small changes could make all the difference.

I can't guarantee but work will help. You'll have three days a week where you can have a wee in peace, drink a hot drink while it's still hot and not do nappies all day etc. then when you do go home and yes you and your son it will actually be a contrast and better.

Also don't underestimate how much you have shouldered for a year. That is bloody huge. Of course you are feeling totally depleted and out of sorts. Hold tight, one step at a time.

Once he is at nursery he will be into a routine and probably will be so tired he will fall asleep early. Hopefully you will get a little bit more me time after your ds has gone to bed. Good luck x

Try going to bed now? Seems crazy early but I always did better in those long baby days with a bit of extra sleep banked. Things just seemed less bad, even when there was something worrying / stressful going on.

Bad weather always made things harder i found.
Agree with other - Work will probably help.

Baby meals were fucking killing me at one point. Batch cooking saved my sanity
I'd cook:
A big risotto
A big tomato and pasta
A meat and veg sauce

I then bought 3 or 4 of those green nuby freezer pod (theres 9 pots in a cube)

Then I'd just pop one one and microwave and serve with some chopped fruit and veg each meal time so when my little darling would dump it all on the floor I was less fussed.

This was me at 11 months! I absolutely hit a wall and felt I couldn't do another day, even though I adore my DS and loved mat leave. Its such a clingy age and baby is often wanting to walk or talk and frustrated and whiney. I also went back to work 3 days a week and it was HEAVEN. I drank tea when I wanted! I sat down in peace and quiet. I got a walk in each day. I spoke about things that weren't my baby. And my relationship with DS has only improved. I miss him and can't wait to pick him up at the end of the day.

I have a very energetic boy. Maybe you do too? He's adored nursery from day 1. Not a wobble. Just loves it and tears about all day long, I'm told. In the evenings he's exhausted and goes pretty much straight to bed. His 4 days at home he naps a lot (wohoo!) to catch up on his lack of naps at nursery. He's also more chill in general. It's like he's getting all his energy out at nursery now and just wants to relax at home. I love it. Hopefully your wee one will be the same!

There is a thread like this at least once a week it's so normal when you're the lone parent and the babies crawls or walks more and sleeps less- so much stress on you!!! So don't feel guilty for your feelings. I also feel for you that mat leave is so expensive and it's so hard not to spend money when out and about and you go mad if you stay home!

Can you consider

• signing onto universal credit
• asking friends to help you do bedtime /dinners in exchange for I owe you a favour later
• 'officially' going back to work now so you get paid but using your accrued leave so you don't have to actually go back yet
• being nursery forward a week or so
• making mortgage if you have one interest only for 6m (google the mortgage charter-

Everyone can do this now- I only just discovered this and I'm doing it!)

Exactly. See!! It's about leaving him at nursery.

My older two started at about 2yo and it was tricky to settle them. My youngest started at 16mo and it was easier - and he has a lovely time. I think age 1 is a nice age to start, because they typically start off in a baby room where there are lots of cuddles, nap time, it's safe for them to explore everything, nobody is telling them off for things they don't understand.

If they are older, they already have some language and are used to you knowing what they mean, but these new people don't and that is a bit daunting for them. When they are on the cusp of dropping a nap, they don't nap well at nursery whereas little ones get into and stay in the routine. (In fact my youngest now naps a bit too well at nursery - but we are abroad and they are very into children's rights here so won't wake him even if it's a pain for us. It's not a problem people have in the UK!)

When they have started off in the baby section they get a much gentler intro to the toddler bit IME rather than being lumped in instantly with hyperactive 3/4yos clambering over them.

Expect it to be tough until about the end of Jan. Keep planning yourself nice surprises and distracting things and plan outings at the weekends (free/cheap things, like parks and the library or looking at the £1 shop for a new toy or charity shop for a new book) Christmas also to look forward to in the middle. Check back in if you're feeling wobbly or maybe make a "nursery starters support thread" or join one of the trapped toddler parents threads (if they are still going - someone started one in lockdown). Look to see if you have a branch of Gingerbread locally - other single parent friends are a lifeline as it seems like everyone is "doing family stuff" every single weekend. Even though I'm now married, I am still very close to the other single mums I met when DS1 was little.

It will be worth it I promise and just as we are coming out of the winter gloom you will feel that everything is going right.