Why does he keep doing it

Intriguinglylovely · 2023-10-21T14:40:17+00:00

I've caught my partner for the third time looking at women online. The first time, it was provocative videos of Asian women. The second time, it was women pleasuring themselves, and this time its women doing yoga in their underwear. After last time, I specifically said that I don't like it and it makes me feel terrible, I said if you do it again, it's over. I caught him again last night. He's got pictures and videos of me, so why is he doing it knowing I've set boundaries:( Like, I'm not good enough or something!? Of course, he is declaring his love for me and has no idea why he's doing it. We don't have regular sex because our lives are just hectic, but that isn't my fault. Is this as bad as cheating? Am I being unreasonable to be so angry and kick him out? I feel utterly heartbroken that he has so little respect for me.

ChipAndMiss · 21/10/2023 15:43

He does it because he’s a creep.

And he continues doing it because there are no repercussions for him.

He does it, you threaten to leave if he does it again, continue to clean his clothes, cook his meals, have sex with him and then he does it again and the cycle continues.

Why would he stop?

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 15:44

ChipAndMiss · 21/10/2023 15:43

He does it because he’s a creep.

And he continues doing it because there are no repercussions for him.

He does it, you threaten to leave if he does it again, continue to clean his clothes, cook his meals, have sex with him and then he does it again and the cycle continues.

Why would he stop?

You're so right. Why would he stop? He's a fucking creep for sure.

OP posts:

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 21/10/2023 19:16

YANBU to kick him out. You don’t need a reason to end a relationship. Is your name on the mortgage/tenancy or both names?

GabriellaMontez · 21/10/2023 19:28

Why? Because he has no respect for you. And he's a creep.

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 20:01

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 21/10/2023 19:16

YANBU to kick him out. You don’t need a reason to end a relationship. Is your name on the mortgage/tenancy or both names?

Both names are on the mortgage. Why am I such a fool 😭 I hate him right now and hope he's realised what he's lost. Breaking up a family because he can't help being a creep. Yuck

OP posts:

Tellmeallthestories · 21/10/2023 20:04

He keeps doing it because he doesn't care about the effect it has on you.

throughgrittedteeth · 21/10/2023 21:40

This sort of thing wouldn't bother me at all, but that's not really the point, the more pressing issue is that he isn't respecting the boundaries you've set and asked for. If he doesn't agree with them or thinks they're unreasonable then it's up to him to say this and leave if necessary. I think he's showing you he doesn't respect you and doesn't give a shit that this is upsetting you.
I agree with pp that you should stick to your guns and split.

CaroleSinger · 21/10/2023 22:11

I'm a little conflicted here. You don't have sex but he isn't allowed to so much as look at a video? Maybe your boundaries are a bit too unrealistic. No man who isn't getting an active sex life can be expected to never ever so much as look at a picture or a video. It's just not going to happen.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 22:37

The replies to this are bonkers. You don't want to have sex with him and you don't want him to even look at (mostly soft from the sound of it) porn.

Sexual desire is a normal part of life. You are making both of you miserable. Just leave the poor bugger.

Cosycover · 21/10/2023 22:50

How did you catch him?

I think you need to get a grip tbh. Most men watch porn and look at videos and photos online. Alot of women do too. Frankly it's none of your business.

CagneyAndLazy · 21/10/2023 22:53

Is it as bad as cheating?

WTF?

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 22:56

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 22:37

The replies to this are bonkers. You don't want to have sex with him and you don't want him to even look at (mostly soft from the sound of it) porn.

Sexual desire is a normal part of life. You are making both of you miserable. Just leave the poor bugger.

Where do I say I don't want to have sex with him? I said our lives are hectic.
The main issue I have right now is the fact that he keeps disrespecting me when I have explicitly said that I don't appreciate him looking up naked women online. It's the complete lack of disregard for me that I'm finding difficult to accept. It really isn't difficult not to look at naked women online. Every couple is different and has different boundaries, and these are my boundaries, however unrealistic they may seem, they are valid, and I deserve to be respected? However, I appreciate your input

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 21/10/2023 22:59

He not only has no respect for you OP he has no respect for women point blank.
I would not put up with this. It would be 100% over.
Will you?

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 23:00

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 22:56

Where do I say I don't want to have sex with him? I said our lives are hectic.
The main issue I have right now is the fact that he keeps disrespecting me when I have explicitly said that I don't appreciate him looking up naked women online. It's the complete lack of disregard for me that I'm finding difficult to accept. It really isn't difficult not to look at naked women online. Every couple is different and has different boundaries, and these are my boundaries, however unrealistic they may seem, they are valid, and I deserve to be respected? However, I appreciate your input

Show quote history

Not doing as he's told is not the same as not respecting you.

You can have whatever boundaries you want but when yours extend to controlling his sexuality and he has no sex life he's not a creep for disobeying you.

You've said you hate him at the moment. It's obvious he can't meet your demands (I wouldn't be able to either). Just split up and stop making each other miserable.

muddlingthrou · 21/10/2023 23:01

Sorry whaaaat? Watching porn is not cheating. It's 100% natural. Masturbating is no reflection on his attraction to you. Work on your self esteem and leave him be. This is not a betrayal.

stayathomer · 21/10/2023 23:03

I disagree with people calling him a creep because of that, but agree that you told him how it made you feel. You both need to talk it over. Personally it would absolutely not be a deal breaker for me, but we’re all different. Best of luck op

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:04

CaroleSinger · 21/10/2023 22:11

I'm a little conflicted here. You don't have sex but he isn't allowed to so much as look at a video? Maybe your boundaries are a bit too unrealistic. No man who isn't getting an active sex life can be expected to never ever so much as look at a picture or a video. It's just not going to happen.

Edited

My boundaries are valid, even if they are unreasonable to others. He isn't forced to stay with me. He could have left if it was an issue, yet he decided to stay and completely disregard my boundaries and disrespect me in the process. It is betrayal. Let's be clear, he isn't watching man and woman. He's specifically looking up women that are pleasuring themselves. I have sent him several things for him to look at, but I guess I'm not good enough to satisfy his needs?

OP posts:

Wingedharpy · 21/10/2023 23:15

So, are you saying OP,that you don't mind him looking at soft porn - just as long as you are the star of the show?

I'm not being sarcastic - just asking, because if that is what you're saying, I can understand why he would perhaps consider what he's doing as pushing the boundaries as opposed to crossing a line.

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:16

Cosycover · 21/10/2023 22:50

How did you catch him?

I think you need to get a grip tbh. Most men watch porn and look at videos and photos online. Alot of women do too. Frankly it's none of your business.

If I'm not happy with him watching porn then as a couple, we can discuss that, which we have, to which he has said he doesn't like porn, he could have said I watch porn, and we could have discussed that but he lied. I trusted him, and he broke my trust

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2023 23:19

You are being really controlling. Unless the yoga women had been filmed covertly, I could get upset about it.

saddosam · 21/10/2023 23:23

He does it because his selfish needs trump your feelings and boundaries. It's really that simple.

However I wouldn't be getting that worked up over it personally. It isn't the same as cheating. If a woman came here and said her dh had banned her from masturbating then they'd be called controlling and worse.

You have the right to have boundaries but he has the right to autonomy over his body!

MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:24

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 23:00

Not doing as he's told is not the same as not respecting you.

You can have whatever boundaries you want but when yours extend to controlling his sexuality and he has no sex life he's not a creep for disobeying you.

You've said you hate him at the moment. It's obvious he can't meet your demands (I wouldn't be able to either). Just split up and stop making each other miserable.

Show quote history

So I'm controlling his sexuality because I've expressed that I don't want him being a sleeze by jerking off to random women on the Internet? When he's got plenty of stuff of mine to do that to? You obviously don't get why I'm hurt. If my pictures and videos satisfied him enough, he wouldn't feel the need to watch random people on the Internet. Clearly, he's not getting the same satisfaction from my videos as he is random women.

OP posts:

saddosam · 21/10/2023 23:28

You literally are controlling him sexually yes. You're telling him he can wank but only to material that features you in it!!

Original poster

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:32

MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

I already did.

OP posts: