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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why does he keep doing it

39 replies

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 15:40

I've caught my partner for the third time looking at women online. The first time, it was provocative videos of Asian women. The second time, it was women pleasuring themselves, and this time its women doing yoga in their underwear. After last time, I specifically said that I don't like it and it makes me feel terrible, I said if you do it again, it's over. I caught him again last night. He's got pictures and videos of me, so why is he doing it knowing I've set boundaries:( Like, I'm not good enough or something!? Of course, he is declaring his love for me and has no idea why he's doing it. We don't have regular sex because our lives are just hectic, but that isn't my fault. Is this as bad as cheating? Am I being unreasonable to be so angry and kick him out? I feel utterly heartbroken that he has so little respect for me.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 21/10/2023 23:32

Breaking up a family over your hurt feelings is selfish (presumably by family you mean there are kids involved) and dramatic He’s a man. You’re not shagging him so he’s gonna sort himself out. He’s a normal man. Just have sex with him ffs.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 23:40

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:24

So I'm controlling his sexuality because I've expressed that I don't want him being a sleeze by jerking off to random women on the Internet? When he's got plenty of stuff of mine to do that to? You obviously don't get why I'm hurt. If my pictures and videos satisfied him enough, he wouldn't feel the need to watch random people on the Internet. Clearly, he's not getting the same satisfaction from my videos as he is random women.

I understand why you are hurt. We all get those insecurities. He's chosen to be with you but that doesn't stop him finding others attractive. Personally I think this is unhealthy but it doesn't matter what I think- your feelings are perfectly valid. If he could do what you want it would be fine.

He clearly can't. Coming up with moral justifications for why he should is irrelevant- if you carry on trying to force him to only wank to porn you made the marriage is over. It doesn't matter who is right.

Option 1- stop trying to control him, talk about how you both feel and put lots of energy into a healthier sex slife.

Option 2- split up.

throughgrittedteeth · 22/10/2023 09:30

Yes you are controlling him sexually.

Sapphire387 · 22/10/2023 09:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who doesn't look at porn. Most porn online these days is deeply misogynistic, for starters.

You gave him the ultimatum - he hasn't stopped, so if I were you, I would break up. Clearly he is not going to stop.

saddosam · 22/10/2023 11:23

Sapphire387 · 22/10/2023 09:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who doesn't look at porn. Most porn online these days is deeply misogynistic, for starters.

You gave him the ultimatum - he hasn't stopped, so if I were you, I would break up. Clearly he is not going to stop.

I don't think this has anything to do with op worrying about misogyny. She just seems deeply jealous and insecure about her dh looking at other women. She's fine with the concept of porn but only if it's featuring her.

topshotta · 22/10/2023 11:42

Omg these replies are mental!! Yanbu i wouldn't put up with that either🤢 Wouldn't be able to live with it so would have to leave him tbh

Hipnotised · 22/10/2023 11:57

I said if you do it again, it's over

Either this ^^ or it isn't and he'll do it again.

TigerQueenie · 22/10/2023 12:00

Well you said if he does it again its over. So there's no dilemma is there? You end it and move on, find someone with the same boundaries as you.

Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:06

saddosam · 22/10/2023 11:23

I don't think this has anything to do with op worrying about misogyny. She just seems deeply jealous and insecure about her dh looking at other women. She's fine with the concept of porn but only if it's featuring her.

Yes, I am jealous that he wants to watch other women and fantasise about fucking them. But now he's free to do so. He chose porn over his family. That's where his priorities are. He had multiple chances, and we simply weren't important enough. Now he can go home to his dirty videos, I'm not sure they can cook his food, wash his clothes, and clean the home, though. Oh well

OP posts:
Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:15

TigerQueenie · 22/10/2023 12:00

Well you said if he does it again its over. So there's no dilemma is there? You end it and move on, find someone with the same boundaries as you.

Exactly what I will be doing.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 22/10/2023 15:27

MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

…which hopefully he hasn’t shared with his friends

Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:43

tuvamoodyson · 22/10/2023 15:27

…which hopefully he hasn’t shared with his friends

Definitely not. I trust him with those. But who knows, I thought I could trust him before... I was wrong about that

OP posts:
saddosam · 22/10/2023 16:35

You know what, personally I think it's bonkers to split up a family over this. But you have your boundaries and you've stuck to them so fair play to you. Hopefully you can both find people that you are more compatible with.

nfkl · 22/10/2023 16:41

It s not necessarily the sexual watching I worry for (it s far from being a porn addiction)
It s the weakness when he tells you he won t do it again

For the sexual bit, it s not necessarily a dealbreaker and it s definitely not against you. Most men can adore one woman and still get temporarily captivated by naked bits of other people (especially if they don t get any from their one).

Women should stop caring this much and make such a drama out of it (it s really the worst way to handle this, total emasculation) but women should be strong enough that have this under control without crying wolf.

And the way so many women set up these confrontations from a position of low self-esteem (all that drama, the feeling of personal offence, etc.) -> it s like the worst enticing way for a man to stop.

Your man's sexual attention is not focussed on you?
Re-focus it on you, go spank him in a dominatrix costume until he cries for mercy or any other kink, that ll give him enough to think without an internet browser. That will be a lot more fun to go through than all these scenes and the wailing and the drama, and, truly, it has a lot more chances to work.

And if he still misbehaves, then you kick him out the curb, without letting it even reach your self-esteem.

Being sexy is not a matter of being beautiful, it s a matter of enjoying sex without shame.

I can t understand women want to be long term with men and still not accept sex as being a big part of the attraction equation.

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