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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nothing changes for the man?

29 replies

sleepdeprivedma · 21/10/2023 00:04

I'm posting on aibu for traffic

My DH great dad but let's be serious his life hasn't changed that much he still gets to do anything he wants tbh he doesn't have to worry about childcare ect if he wants to go out but I do he works all week so he doesn't get up in the night. He plans things in advance as he knows I'll be there I guess I'm just asking is this normal? Or have I let it slip we have a 8 month old and I'm now a sahm as dh makes enough but example tonight he's just told aw btw "I'm going out Sunday for football" no ifs or buts.
But me I'd have to ask if he was free or make sure there was someone to look after DS is this the norm FTM here

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:08

Can you define 'great dad' please, because so far nothing in your post points towards it?

Or are you someone who confuses 'great dad' with a man who loves his child?

The first is a choice, the second is something natural like a fart or a sneeze.

It's the 'norm' in a lot of one-sided relationships and if you've ever read MN before, you'll see the damage and resentment it can cause.

bakewellbride · 21/10/2023 00:09

Not the norm. Dh's life has changed hugely since becoming a dad. He does absolutely loads mentally and physically and puts us first always.

My friends dh on the other hand went out drinking with his mates when his little girl was at home being sick and my friend had to deal with it alone.

Time for a big sit down chat with your dh otherwise u could be in my friends shoes in a few years. Have you tried challenging him on it before? What does he say?

Original poster
sleepdeprivedma · 21/10/2023 00:10

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:08

Can you define 'great dad' please, because so far nothing in your post points towards it?

Or are you someone who confuses 'great dad' with a man who loves his child?

The first is a choice, the second is something natural like a fart or a sneeze.

It's the 'norm' in a lot of one-sided relationships and if you've ever read MN before, you'll see the damage and resentment it can cause.

He is Great dad in the sense of he's always there for us and dc he'll take him on days out ect spends lots of time with us shower's us with love but I meant on the object of "freedom" if you like nothing hasn't really changed if they boys phone on a Saturday morning he can easily be out Saturday night. Where is id have to more notice as I'm the "mum"

OP posts:
Ace56 · 21/10/2023 00:10

This type of dynamic does unfortunately seem to be the norm yes, but it shouldn’t be. Do you get any time to yourself without the baby? Does he ever have DS on his own? If not, he should do.

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:14

Try being a single parent. I raise my kids alone whilst my ex doesn't see them as lives as if he doesn't have kids.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:15

sleepdeprivedma · 21/10/2023 00:10

He is Great dad in the sense of he's always there for us and dc he'll take him on days out ect spends lots of time with us shower's us with love but I meant on the object of "freedom" if you like nothing hasn't really changed if they boys phone on a Saturday morning he can easily be out Saturday night. Where is id have to more notice as I'm the "mum"

Show quote history

Ok but your idea of a 'great dad' doesn't even match the basic minimum really, does it?

Read it back and ask yourself how any of that completely basic stuff makes him 'great'?

If you saw a mum 'being there for her husband and child', loving them and taking her baby out now and again, would you declare she was 'great'?

Sometimes it helps to look at things objectively if you need to raise your expectations and I genuinely think you do.

Babyboomtastic · 21/10/2023 00:16

Um no. His life has changed as much as mine and he takes as much responsibility for the parenting as mine.

It sounds like you've got a low bar tbh.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:16

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:14

Try being a single parent. I raise my kids alone whilst my ex doesn't see them as lives as if he doesn't have kids.

Completely irrelevant to the OP's situation.

Gowlett · 21/10/2023 00:18

Yeah, DH & DS have a great time together when it’s just the two of them. That’s usually when I’m at work. It’s rare for him to have DS if I’m socialising. Whereas he might just announce he’s going to the pub, watching football or even off to a festival for the weekend. No way I could do that. And if I was, I’d more likely ask my mother to mind DS, especially if DH is working. But I have to work, and sort out the baby & house.

GrumpyPanda · 21/10/2023 00:20

His life hasn't changed because you don't pull him up on his behaviour. Of course he should consult with you before making any commitments. Time for a full and frank discussion. Or even better, time for him to do some solo parenting on his weekends.

NuffSaidSam · 21/10/2023 00:22

It's your choice to be in a relationship like this.

It's not a choice I'd make.

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:23

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:16

Completely irrelevant to the OP's situation.

Show quote history

How is it irrelevant she says nothing changes for the man 🙄

NuffSaidSam · 21/10/2023 00:25

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:23

How is it irrelevant she says nothing changes for the man 🙄

Show quote history

Because she's not a single parent.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:25

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:23

How is it irrelevant she says nothing changes for the man 🙄

Show quote history

Because she's married and living with her husband.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2023 00:27

One parent earning all the money and the other doing all the domestic chores and childcare is an unbalanced set up. Maybe it works for some but it isn't an arrangement I would be happy with or want it as a model of family life for my DC's.

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:29

NuffSaidSam · 21/10/2023 00:25

Because she's not a single parent.

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I said TRY being a single parent if you think nothing changes for the man try having kids with someone that doesn’t even SEE them 🙄

smilesup · 21/10/2023 00:29

GrumpyPanda · 21/10/2023 00:20

His life hasn't changed because you don't pull him up on his behaviour. Of course he should consult with you before making any commitments. Time for a full and frank discussion. Or even better, time for him to do some solo parenting on his weekends.

No his life hasn't changed because he hasn't been a considerate person. It's not her fault that he is stuck in the past.

NuffSaidSam · 21/10/2023 00:32

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:29

I said TRY being a single parent if you think nothing changes for the man try having kids with someone that doesn’t even SEE them 🙄

Show quote history

Yes, I read that. And it's not relevant is it? The OP isn't going to try being a single mum to help her situation!

Your situation being worse isn't giving the OP any useful advice. It's irrelevant to her that your situation is 'worse'.

Precipice · 21/10/2023 00:33

How is he "always there for you" when he makes plans to go out without consulting you about whether you haven't already made plans to go out and can look after the baby? If he considers that he can make plans without checking with you, it should follow that you could make plans without checking with him, with the end result that both of you would have plans to be elsewhere and supposedly nobody would be left holding the baby.

Why doesn't he think of this? Because he considers that the baby is your responsibility. This isn't being a great father; it's being thoughtless.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:35

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 00:29

I said TRY being a single parent if you think nothing changes for the man try having kids with someone that doesn’t even SEE them 🙄

Show quote history

Why would she want to do either of those things??

I get that you're just venting here and who can blame you, but I stand by what I said.

It's irrelevant to the OP.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:38

smilesup · 21/10/2023 00:29

No his life hasn't changed because he hasn't been a considerate person. It's not her fault that he is stuck in the past.

Show quote history

No-one's apportioning blame but the OP does need to raise the bar, take off the 'great dad' goggles and see him for what he really is.

It's not her fault he's stuck in the past but if she continues to enable it, nothing will ever change because he's not going to wake up one morning and stop taking advantage.

jernim · 21/10/2023 00:38

Not for us, DH pretty much stopped going out when we had our first dc and also stopped all work trips abroad, so he never leaves me on my own with the dc in the evening. At weekends he's with me and the dcs all weekend. He gets up in the night with dc even though he works Mon-Fri and I'm a sahm, he tends to dc the first half of the night because he's gone to bed by then (dc still sleeping in our room) and I do the second half when I've gone to bed later. Every evening we do bath and bedtime each for one dc.

I don't get any child-free time though and he rarely has the dcs on his own without me (only when I have certain medical appointments where I can't really watch the dc) but I'd rather we spent time together as a family than spend time on my own or with friends.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/10/2023 00:42

Would he pick up the childcare if you went out at short notice?
Stop asking him and start telling him you are going out.
Why doesn’t he get up in the night on Friday and Sat so you get an unbroken night sometimes?

ThriceInALifetime · 21/10/2023 00:43

What would he say if you said by the way I'm going out on Saturday? Would he have an issue with that? Was it your choice to be a SAHM? Or does it suit him? Are you planning on going back to work soon?
Think about what you want and start planning.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 00:45

I expect the OP has fallen into the trap of not being able to say "Mind your baby, I'm off out tonight", because he wouldn't have a clue how to look after one.