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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that my friends don't care enough to wish me well?

31 replies

SunnyBunny17 · 20/10/2023 22:18

I've just been discharged from hospital after having a life saving op that was a total success, I'm feeling like I've just done 5 rounds with a boxer but I'm also over the moon, a bit emotional and so, so thankful.

I'm NC with my remaining relatives (stately homes, in a nut shell) but wanted to share my good news with people I thought would be happy to hear it so I posted a status on Facebook, all very upbeat and positive and in no way "woe is me"

Its the first time I've posted anything about my health on there, ever.

I have a small friends list consisting of only those I've known years (and two newer mum friends I've made over the past year) and I haven't heard a peep from three of my oldest friends. We live far apart nowadays but still catch up and they are people I grew up with and have provided support to at various points. I always have a kind word for them when they share any news and always on hand to give advice when asked for some.

They've seen it, no doubt about that. All very active and posting their own benign stuff about the gym and half term.

Would you be a bit sad about this if you were me? I have more important things to think about of course, but it has hurt me.

I'm donning my hard hat but hoping you'll be kind and not snipe at me.

OP posts:
BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 20/10/2023 22:21

Congrats on a successful op.

i think you're being hard on your friends though - being on Facebook themselves in no way guarantees that they've seen your post. The algorithm is unpredictable.

Pinkpinkplonk · 20/10/2023 22:21

I’m glad you’re doing well. I’m sorry you need to find new friends. Keep looking after yourself.
Thinking of you during your recovery.
PM me if you need to

OrigamiOwl · 20/10/2023 22:25

I've definitely missed important posts from my friends due to Facebook algorithms, so I wouldn't count on then having seen it.
Message them directly, don't stew.

GrannypantsMagee · 20/10/2023 22:27

I hope you recover well. I wouldn't let anyone know about anything that really mattered to me via Facebook, not if I cared about whether they responded to it. So I don't know if you're being unreasonable. But I do not think Facebook or any social media the way to keep in touch about anything like this. Pick up the phone or send a personal message about anything important. Facebook seems to be designed to show me mostly adverts these days.

Cowlover89 · 20/10/2023 22:28

Give them time. They might not have seen it.

theduchessofspork · 20/10/2023 22:28

Congrats on a successful op

I miss thousands of FB posts, so I would assume nothing. Give them a ring.

Original poster
SunnyBunny17 · 20/10/2023 22:30

Thank you for the kind words ❤️

Fair points raised about the algorithm, although we usually interact on statuses alot and as such I thought they'd see as much of my stuff as I do of theirs.

OP posts:
Meniscus · 20/10/2023 22:42

Call or text them. Best wishes for your recovery.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 20/10/2023 22:45

Just because they are on Facebook a lot doesn't mean they have seen it. They also may have simply missed it as they mindlessly scrolled. Please don't assume they don't care just because they haven't interacted with a fb post. Get in contact with them via text/call/WhatsApp and go by that.

Congratulations for the procedure and I hope your recovery goes well.

NotStayingIn · 20/10/2023 22:47

I'm really glad you're on the mend!

Did those three oldest friends know about the operation before you put it on facebook? If not maybe they are a bit embarrassed they didn't know about it and hadn't supported you through it? Or maybe they are just needing a minute to think of what to say?

SunsetandCupcakes · 20/10/2023 22:49

A very good friend posted that she had cancer, apparently it said that I had seen it, thankfully she was a v good friend and rang me up and said "fb says that you've seen my post saying I've got cancer and you haven't replied. Either you haven't seen it, or you have something going on worse than cancer" because she knew I wouldn't ignore it. It could easily be the same with your friends, I was still posting trivial shit.

Scylax · 21/10/2023 01:34

Firstly congratulations on the success of your op! I hope your recovery goes well!

Secondly, no you aren’t unreasonable. There *could be good reasons, but I am noticing more and more that if you always reach out and then for some reason can’t, those you once reached out to tend to forget/ignore. Maybe even blame you for not trying hard enough. I don’t know why, nor do I have solutions, but I understand and am sending a virtual hug your way.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/10/2023 01:49

Glad you've had a successful op. I wouldn't post something so private and personal on Facebook and expect responses.

Why not set up a chat group on WhatsApp with your friends and post info there?

MintJulia · 21/10/2023 02:32

I think people sometimes find that sort of thing hard to discuss. They are used to light-hearted benign chat, and anything too personal, it can be hard to get an answer right.

It's also the Friday night of autumn half term, school breakup and one of the busiest nights of the autumn. Maybe they haven't found the time yet, to sit and give it a proper read/answer.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 21/10/2023 02:38

I wouldn't go judging the quality of a friendship by whether I got a reaction on FB.

For one, I'm not 15 any more and for two, FB feeds are just a mess. I've not seen things for 2 or 3 days from people I actively interact with and sometimes I just don't read long posts because if time. I posted about something personal and had reactions and replies coming in for 3 or 4 days from people as they saw it.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/10/2023 07:35

Have you not text each other at all?

misskatamari · 21/10/2023 07:42

As much as this stings - you really don’t know if they have seen your post. If you are good friends and they are usually caring and kind - isn’t it more likely that they in fact haven’t seen the post, as opposed to them being heartless and not caring enough to wish you well?

The Facebook algorithm is a law unto itself! Please don’t let this make you feel bad about longstanding friendships with people you care about. You don’t know they’ve seen it and even if they have, you don’t know why they haven’t commented. If they’re as good friends as you say, then why not call them on for a chat or at least message and have a chat that way. Social media is not the gauge of friendships and how much people care!

ZekeZeke · 21/10/2023 07:45

Facebook isn't the right platform for communicating this news.
Send them a text.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2023 07:48

I agree with others, it’s difficult to know whether any of them have seen it. Message them directly.

PosterBoy · 21/10/2023 07:50

If I saw a post like that and didn't know anything beforehand I would feel I wasn't part of your close friendship group. It's how you tell people things when you don't have a direct communication with them.

I actually very much doubt they saw it. Direct messages are harder to miss. Perhaps you prefer to feel snubbed than actually communicate directly with people?

Sparehair · 21/10/2023 07:52

Thing is if they have a massive friendship list on FB plus loads of groups then v possible they didn’t see it. Also just because they post doesn’t mean they also scroll- some people are very “audio out” on SM ( and others are audio in and some are a mix).

Are these friends a group or are they 3 separate people who connect through you? If the former, a group WhatsApp might be a nicer way to stay in touch.

stylishnot · 21/10/2023 07:53

Glad everything went well opFlowers
If they are closest friends maybe they were expecting an update message rather than a fb one maybe?

McIntire · 21/10/2023 07:53

Facebook is weird and the chances are they haven’t seen it! Some posts only come up on mine when other friends start posting on it.

I suspect they haven’t seen it

Slobberchops1 · 21/10/2023 07:54

They may not have seen it , Facebook is crap now .

my feed is full of ads and I’m in a few very popular groups which also clogs up the feed . Sometimes I don’t see my friends stuff for days and sometimes not at all

35965a · 21/10/2023 07:54

I don’t see a lot of posts on Facebook, the algorithm is shit. It’s all posts from shitty groups, ads or ‘suggested posts’ and barely anything from my actual friends. So they probably haven’t seen it.