To ask for realistic help with financial abuse

[Indesperateneed]

I’m not sure if financial abuse is the right term but that’s how it feels. Sorry in advance this is going to be a long post!

I’m 21 and have moved out of my parents house in the last year. Since I started working at 16 my dad has constantly pressured me to give him money (which I didn’t mind initially as I didn’t have any outgoings - also relevant to add that he is unable to work due to a variety of reasons but also has a severe gambling addiction). Last year when I went away with my friends for my birthday my dad asked me if he could buy a drink on my credit card as he had no money, I agreed as the specific drink was only £1 or less. However when I got back from my holiday, I realised he had actually maxed out my two credit cards which were in my room and incurred a debt of over £2000 for myself. At this time I was at uni and didn’t have the means to pay back such a debt and to this day he still hasn’t given me any money towards it even though he gets a monthly payment of £300 and has no outgoings. This situation has caused me immense stress and left me feeling really down and angry, and my dad seems to not care at all that he’s ruined my credit and always says he’ll pay it off but gets angry when I ask for specific payment dates and amounts and will just hang up the phone.

I have just finished my bachelors degree and started my first ‘real job’ and I’m inundated with calls from him constantly asking for my pay day date and getting angry when I refuse to tell him. He’s also said he’s expecting me to give him £150 monthly and I’ve explained to him I can’t afford this as I’ve got rent and bills to pay, as well as paying off the debts he has incurred for me and it’s unbelievable he is expecting money from me when he’s made 0 effort to pay back the £2000 he owes me.

The worst part is he’s not asking me for money, he’s telling me I’m going to give it to him and then emotionally manipulating me when I refuse. I really don’t know how to approach the situation respectfully but at the same time set effective boundaries. It’s not simple to just tell him firmly no which I have done many times - his response is always ‘what do you mean no? You can’t tell me no! I’m not asking you anything I’m telling you and you better do it or you’ll be sorry’. It causes me so much stress and guilt but I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly left with nothing. He’ll ask for money and I could tell him I only have £2 in my account and he’ll ask me to give it to him and get angry if I don’t.

I know most will say to cut him off but I do love and care for him and I don’t want to cut him off, I just want to be able to set boundaries that he’ll respect. And also he is married to my mum so I can’t just cut him off. Anytime I’ve refused in the past he’ll make the environment at my mums house so uncomfortable that I don’t even want to visit and I don’t want to effect my relationship with the rest of my family. (FYI he is exactly the same with my mother and sometimes she makes the situation worse by telling him details that she shouldn’t, e.g. how much I earn etc. if she mentions in passing that I’ve gone somewhere nice with one of my friends, I’ll get endless calls about how I need to give him money, I’m a liar I’ve clearly got money as I can go out with my friends).

thanks if you’ve read this far - If anyone could give me some constructive advice I’d really appreciate it because im feeling hopeless at the moment and like he’s destroying my youth.

Oh my gosh this is awful. I don’t have the answer but hopefully others will be along soon with some suggestions and I’m just sending a hug. Obviously it can’t carry on.

Oh god that’s awful. Im so very sorry you’re having this happening to you. I am stunned any parent could be so abusive like this.

im afraid you are just going to have to say no, mean it and keep saying no. If it causes an atmosphere so be it. You need to stand up to bullies.

if you need a story say sorry I’m in my over draft it’s the credit card debt. And please never tell him of your mother you got a pay rise. Also lie your rent has went up. Do whatever it takes. But never tell and never ever give money again. Only uou can stop this.

Unfortunately he's an addict and he will always put that first.

I think you do need to block him on your phone. You could unblock once a month or so to call him and have a catch up?

Also to be clear stop telling your mother about going out, just lie. She can’t tell him what he doesn’t know. If he asks say I’m in my over draft. Never tell her anything different, never mention a pay rise never tell her you are going out, tell her you don’t as you can’t afford it

shes feeding uou to the wolf. She kmows what happens when she tells him. Remember that. She is not protecting you.

Well he’s never going to respect any boundaries so forget that one….
He seems totally obsessed with the fact that you have to give him money…. Are you an only child? What did he do before you were 16?

It’s going to be tough but if you want to avoid a lifetime of this you have to stop it now. When he messages you telling you to send him money don’t be so quick to answer. And when you do answer just say you need £200 from him for debt repayment. Each time he tells you to send him money repeat that. Send me some money… I need x amount for your debt repayment. And don’t engage further. If he mentions holiday day out etc just ignore.
And if he gets nasty just ignore for a while.
And keep all his txts and emails, just in case you ever need to go to the police.

I know you don't want to cut him off but that's really your only option

Could you try asking him for money? Tell him rent has gone up, transport has increased, food bills gone up and what with the VERY large credit card bill you are paying off you need him to support you.

This is really sad. I'm not sure you even realise the extent of abuse this is. But sometimes when you love someone, you also have to show tough love. This may sound harsh but you need to cut him off until he's ready to have a relationship with you with no strings/ benefits attached. If you don't, I'm afraid he will ruin you - not just financially but he is also causing you mental and emotional damage which you will get to deal with for the rest of your life for which some people never recover. Please protect and look after yourself

The kindest thing you can do for him and for yourself is to go no contact.

My sister is a gambling addict. She gambled tens of thousands, all out family money. Lies. Abuse. She didn't start recovering while people were enabling her. It took people saying no no more and refusing to have contact with her before she started to make steps to recover.

I know it isn't the advice you want but this won't get better unless you take a hard stance and refuse to have contact with him. If your mum wants to see you she needs to come to you.

Honestly for years my family enabled her and so did I. I didn't want to cut her off. It was painful to do but I started to feel better. I went 2 years no contact before I got a message from her asking if I would consider attending a family event at gamblers anonymous.

I would speak to an organisation that deals with Gambling Addiction and its affects on the wider family. They will have the expertise to advise you on the wisest course of action.

Personally, I would also be loathe to cut him off just yet, but I would block his number and all contact with parents would have to go through your mum.

Speaking from experience, for your own sanity, you're going to have to cut him off, and because he's married to your mother, it's going to inevitably affect the relationship with your mother.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth and only option.

It gets better and you'll adjust to your new life. I did this at 27 and I'm 30 now.

You're very young, but at some stage, you'll make this decision, or your life will be hell.

That's horrific.

You owe him NOTHING.

He's a weak willed bully who is threatening his own daughter.

Your mother is no better for staying with this pathetic excuse for a man.

You are a capable and strong young lady who has made friends, gone to university, got a degree and now has a job. You are a success.

He is a complete and utter loser.

Tell him that if he demands and threatens you again that you will go to the police.

Better still, cut him out of your life.

Get in touch with Womens Aid. It is financial abuse. It is a family member abusing you. It doesn't have to be a partner. It is also emotional and coercive abuse.

You need support and help to deal with this. I've attached two links. One for women's aid.

The other is for support for those who have someone in their life with a gambling problem.

As well as giving info on the problem of the person, it also gives you strategies for you to deal with, which helps you, especially as your dad is not in recovery.

You need to look after you. I know about this from many other different issues in my own family.

Your mental health is being affected, though you may not realise it.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

gamfam.org.uk/for-the-family/#gra5p

Thank you all for the responses so far, they're all really useful and I really appreciate all the advice I can get right now.
Just about a few of the points you guys have made so far:

I like the idea of blocking/unblocking, unfortunately he doesn't really contact me for general chit chat, only about money. I want to make it clear though that he is a loving father and does care, he just asks my mum instead of asking me directly for some reason.

I am not an only child, I have 3 older brothers but I am his only daughter and I think his views on women must be at the root of this as he doesn't do this to my brothers (he will ask them but not demand/expect or pressure, when they say no he respects it and wouldn't ask more than once or twice).

Before I was 16 he would just do the same to my mother (but worse) and I think now he just sees us both as two sources of revenue for him.

To be fair, in my last year of university I was unable to work more than 8 hours a week due to my course hours and lived in an expensive city so my student loans barely covered my rent, and he always made sure that my mum helped me out, or if he had 'won' anything small (usually £30 or so) he would give me £10 or £20 to make sure I was okay for food etc. I think this is where I struggle as I know he cares about me and does want to help me where he can but he is only interested in helping me when I have absolutely nothing. It's weird as he has always had big ambitions for my future but it's like he wants me to live on the breadline as long as he can feed his habit, he's not fussed about how it effects me (but I guess that's the way of an addict).

I think it also hurts me because if I cut him off financially, he will cut me off completely. I know that sounds ridiculous and I shouldn't care if that's all it takes for him to cut me out of his life, but I do care and I know if that happens I will probably lose the relationship I have with my mum too which saddens me.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here sadly. I didn't really want to believe she was doing it on purpose as I feel like we're quite close, we speak everyday just about day to day stuff. But I've told her multiple times to stop mentioning specific things to him and she said 'oh sorry I didn't realise' but continues to do it. I know it's my fault for sharing information with her but I guess I was in denial that my own mum would throw me under the bus to protect herself.

I think your right, I'm just really struggling with the idea of this as I love him so much and it's quite a wild thing to do in my culture. I feel like my life is already hell tbh, I'm constantly on edge, I can't share anything with my parents and I always give in and have nothing for myself and don't even get to enjoy myself and I'm only 21 which is ridiculous.
Can I ask how you managed to do it? How you cope/the positives and negatives you've experienced since? Of course if you feel comfortable sharing.

I know you don't want to cut him off, but I think you should. Maybe not forever, but at least for a short time.

you could set a rule for yourself that every time he asks for money, you block him for a week. And after that week, he asks again, block for 2 weeks. etc. that way, you can have some respite but you don't have to feel you've cut off your parents for ever.

you might also benefit from looking at the freedom program. it is primarily about domestic violence but will also help you understand other types of abuse, and this is abuse.

You should cut him off. There's really no other way, gambling addiction is probably the most difficult one of all to overcome. And yes, this will heavily affect your relationship with your mother, but always remember this: she enables him. She has thrown you to the wolves to continue enabling him. You can't trust her any more than you can trust him.

Thank you so much for this, I'm going to take a deeper look into these over the weekend. I was just wondering would women's aid help me? Sorry this might be ignorance on my part but I thought women's aid was for women in abusive relationships (not really for parental/familial relationship)?

sorry but have you told your mum what he is doing and what he did with your credit cards when you were not there?? Have you not told your brothers? Pretty sure they would have a word with your dad if they knew what he was doing and had done in the past!

Yes, everyone knows! My mum blamed me and asked how I could let him do that which I thought was a bit ironic, and I wasn't even there to 'let' him do it. I really didn't expect that from him as he's never done anything like that before. My brother asked me about it but he doesn't seem to care tbh. My mum has spoken to him about it but I honestly don't think he cares, or he doesn't think it's a big deal..
I've also told my mum what he is doing constantly but again she'll say it's bad but as he does it to her also I don't think she's really in a position to intervene, and he wouldn't listen to her anyways.

I just feel really alone. I have nobody to talk to about this in real life. My boyfriend just says 'its easy all you have to do is say no and that's that, you're making it complicated' I feel like he doesn't really get how difficult it is for me and how it will mean I lose my family. I can't talk to my friends about it as I know they won't understand or be able to give me any advice

You say that it is only you and your mother that he does this with, not your brothers, and also that he's happy to help you out when you have nothing, you also mention that you are from a distinct culture.

Beyond the gambling, I wonder if he is trying to ensure that you are dependent on him, having savings/disposable income means that you are financially independent.

Have you tried asking him why he feels entitled to money that you have earned?

Agree but I really don't think you should ask him why he feels entitled to the money you have, there's nothing for you to gain from this and he's there's no reasonable response.

Personally, I think your father is misogynist, and has problematic views and behaviour towards you and your mother because you're women. He well may have problematic behaviours towards your brothers too, but that's unlikely to be because of their gender.

It was a huge relief when I wasn't in touch with my little brother, who's a gambling addict, any more. I can very much relate to what you said about caring about your dad and feeling tied in knots when you think about what you feel his good points are.

But my life was hell too and I couldn't enjoy my twenties. I could see other people living normal lives and I didn't have one because there was so much going on. Then, when I wasn't being stalked and harrassed I had a life again and it was great. I could put energy into other things and not feel constantly sick and on edge.

You're in a new life with a grad job - maybe a new city? And have lots of nice things to experience and will be very busy. Detach yourself from your dad - move if you don't want him to know where you live, and concentrate on your new life and your social life.