To ask for realistic help with financial abuse

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I’m not sure if financial abuse is the right term but that’s how it feels. Sorry in advance this is going to be a long post!

I’m 21 and have moved out of my parents house in the last year. Since I started working at 16 my dad has constantly pressured me to give him money (which I didn’t mind initially as I didn’t have any outgoings - also relevant to add that he is unable to work due to a variety of reasons but also has a severe gambling addiction). Last year when I went away with my friends for my birthday my dad asked me if he could buy a drink on my credit card as he had no money, I agreed as the specific drink was only £1 or less. However when I got back from my holiday, I realised he had actually maxed out my two credit cards which were in my room and incurred a debt of over £2000 for myself. At this time I was at uni and didn’t have the means to pay back such a debt and to this day he still hasn’t given me any money towards it even though he gets a monthly payment of £300 and has no outgoings. This situation has caused me immense stress and left me feeling really down and angry, and my dad seems to not care at all that he’s ruined my credit and always says he’ll pay it off but gets angry when I ask for specific payment dates and amounts and will just hang up the phone.

I have just finished my bachelors degree and started my first ‘real job’ and I’m inundated with calls from him constantly asking for my pay day date and getting angry when I refuse to tell him. He’s also said he’s expecting me to give him £150 monthly and I’ve explained to him I can’t afford this as I’ve got rent and bills to pay, as well as paying off the debts he has incurred for me and it’s unbelievable he is expecting money from me when he’s made 0 effort to pay back the £2000 he owes me.

The worst part is he’s not asking me for money, he’s telling me I’m going to give it to him and then emotionally manipulating me when I refuse. I really don’t know how to approach the situation respectfully but at the same time set effective boundaries. It’s not simple to just tell him firmly no which I have done many times - his response is always ‘what do you mean no? You can’t tell me no! I’m not asking you anything I’m telling you and you better do it or you’ll be sorry’. It causes me so much stress and guilt but I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly left with nothing. He’ll ask for money and I could tell him I only have £2 in my account and he’ll ask me to give it to him and get angry if I don’t.

I know most will say to cut him off but I do love and care for him and I don’t want to cut him off, I just want to be able to set boundaries that he’ll respect. And also he is married to my mum so I can’t just cut him off. Anytime I’ve refused in the past he’ll make the environment at my mums house so uncomfortable that I don’t even want to visit and I don’t want to effect my relationship with the rest of my family. (FYI he is exactly the same with my mother and sometimes she makes the situation worse by telling him details that she shouldn’t, e.g. how much I earn etc. if she mentions in passing that I’ve gone somewhere nice with one of my friends, I’ll get endless calls about how I need to give him money, I’m a liar I’ve clearly got money as I can go out with my friends).

thanks if you’ve read this far - If anyone could give me some constructive advice I’d really appreciate it because im feeling hopeless at the moment and like he’s destroying my youth.

That's a good point, but I don't think he wants me to be dependent on him as he's always made a big deal since my childhood to focus on my education so I can be independent. I think it's probably more to do with feeding his addiction and he just sees women as weak targets that he can control/get to do whatever he wants. I think it's also hard because he doesn't see he has an addiction.

I have tried asking him and he never gives a straight answer, he will either deflect, get angry or turn it into a joke

Also, gamblers anonymous (I think) used to do free counselling for relatives - my mum had some and it was very helpful. I'll try to see if they still do.

You are being financially abused by your father and your mother is complicit. Your father is probably abusing her too from some of what you have said. Women's Aid can absolutely help with this. Domestic abuse can be perpetrated by family members. Here's what WA say from their website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.begambleaware.org/ngsn

The counselling may have been through this - I remember the gambling industry had to fund it. Anyway, could be good to call them and see if they can put you through to any useful services for yourself, and also to talk to someone who understands what you're going through.

I really feel for you. This should be a time of celebration at having finished your degree and about to step into a new phase of your life - and it would be - if not for your dad!

It’d be really good to work on your boundaries where he’s concerned because he won’t change - not unless something really drastic happened. He’s ground you down with his lengthy campaign and now you’re deeply uncomfortable with it. As other posters have commented - I would agree that there is more to this than him being a gambler. He is emotional abusive and remorseless and that suggests deeper pathological problems.

The bottom line is - and I sincerely mean no disrespect (my family isn’t by any means picture perfect) - you’ve got a dysfunctional family. It’s not just your dad - your mum and brothers also play a part in this.

The positive part is that 1) you know this situation isn’t right and 2) it has become untenable so has to end. Now you have this ‘seed planted firmly in your head’ you’ll not rest and be happy until you put an end to it. Only you can do this. It can start simply by putting it in writing that you will not give him any more money as of today’s date.

Blocking and going no contact is often vilified as an abusive act, but many don’t see it this way. Personally, I advocate for it as I’ve found it to be a useful tool to stop “any new drama”, “creates breathing space”, “time to put a plan of action into place”.

I wish you all the best OP.

I wonder whether you could speak to step change and see if there's anything they can do about the interest rate on your credit cards? It's so unfair that you have to pay that back when he just completely ripped you off and stole your money.

You are being financially abused.

If you wont block him, which you really should then at least get yourself some counselling

I understand that it is nearly impossible to hold your father accountable when it feels like he is holding your mother’s well-being as a bargaining chip. She should leave, but you can’t force her to leave.

ideally, you would have reported his crimes and he would have dealt with the consequences. This would have meant you were not saddled with debt and poor credit. I understand why you didn’t, but don’t downplay what he did. He committed identity theft against his own child. He is a criminal. His actions are despicable.

you have to learn to simply not engage him on this issue. If he asks for money in person, leave, on the phone, hang up, via text, ignore. Dont even bother responding. The question is so ridiculous you can pretend you don’t hear him.

i went about 6 months not too long ago where I would only communicate with my father via text or email. He was furious. Left me angry messages, called other family members and complained about me. He had asked me to do something, I refused, explained why, and offered a very reasonable compromise. He responded the way addicts tend to respond when told no. I refused to give him the opportunity to continue to berate me.

im nearly 50 now. In my early 20s, I cowered like crazy. Take my advice and jump to this stage. It’s so much easier dealing with them.

I get that your feelings towards your dad are complicated- but have you considered counselling to help you unravel the complexities of how you feel? Sometimes you get it free with work or you can self refer to IAPTs in most areas in England.

we also had an addict in the family (so many competing feelings) and support charities gave us lots of useful advice- which was good to follow and gave us a framework but crucially were designed to help the addict too/ or at least not make him worse. He was an alcoholic and sadly died from problems relating to his addiction so no help with which organisations to contact but reach out/ there will be forums for families of gambling addicts.

good luck!

As I said, women's aid is for anyone in abuse, not just abusive partners.

Any form of abuse is abuse whomever it is by. Yes, they will help you

Tell your parents you’ve lost your job and you’re struggling financially. That should stop the demands for a while. My FIL is a gambling addict - gambled the family home away but he NEVER asked his kids for money. You need to say no and be prepared to go no contact.

congratulations on finishing your degree and well done for noticing this at 21 (which is young) and trying to take charge.
could you ask your employer to pay part of your wage into a dedicated savings account? this would force you to save a bit for yourself and sort of trick your mind into that little extra not being there for your dad? and get in the mindset that my income this month is only xyz.
practice practice practice in front of the mirror with a friend or your bf saying no, have the person your practicing with be very manipulative.
remember that by supplying him the money you really are not helping him you are enabling him and causing him/your family and yourself further harm.
i suspect your mom is in on this as well as you suppling the money makes her life easier.
it will be hard the first few times but you need to do this, by the way you can clear your debt and with time your credit rating will be fine (i assume you have since changed card numbers?).

The worst part is he’s not asking me for money, he’s telling me I’m going to give it to him and then emotionally manipulating me when I refuse. I really don’t know how to approach the situation respectfully but at the same time set effective boundaries. It’s not simple to just tell him firmly no which I have done many times - his response is always ‘what do you mean no? You can’t tell me no! I’m not asking you anything I’m telling you and you better do it or you’ll be sorry’. It causes me so much stress and guilt but I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly left with nothing. He’ll ask for money and I could tell him I only have £2 in my account and he’ll ask me to give it to him and get angry if I don’t.

This is horrific and heartbreaking to read. He's emotionally and psychologically abusive and he's threatening you... with what? Cutting you off? Turning your mother against you? Physical harm? If he keeps it vague, he allows your imagination to fill in the blanks while maintaining plausible deniability of making any real threat... how manipulative is that?!

If you're planning to continue contact with him, you have to have an arsenal of stock responses that feel sufficiently polite to you yet make your boundaries clear.

"I've given you enough Dad, and I'm not giving you any more, sorry."
"I can say no and I am saying no. I'm sorry that's upsetting for you."
"I'm not going to discuss money with you any more as we clearly don't see things the same way. Please stop asking me for money. The answer will always be no."
"I don't like you making vague threats towards me, Dad. Either be clear about what you're saying you'll do or stop asking."
"Dad, I feel stressed and hurt when you shouted at me and insult me. I can't listen to this any more so I'm going to hang up now. Goodbye, Dad."

Don't pussyfoot around with making excuses about how much money you do or don't have or what you're doing with your money. He stole $2000 from you and he's never going to pay it back. That's the price you paid for getting to refuse to give him any more, ever, without guilt.

I like the suggestion upthread about cutting him off for increasing numbers of weeks each time he asks you for money.

Professional help is the way to go. Others have linked to some useful sources.

I also think you should cut off contact with him whilst you are seeking that help. It doesn’t have to be forever, just until you have professional help to deal with this situation. You can tell your mum and siblings that you just need some space.

I'd be telling him to never ask me for money again or you will call the police for fraud. I'd be limiting contact with him and when he asks for money just hang up and block for the day or don't response to messages. I don't think he is ever going to respect boundaries.

I'd block him and move on

Hi OP.
i am so sorry.
I have a financially and emotionally abusive parent and, sadly, ultimately the only way to protect yourself is to cut them off. It’s financial abuse and cohesive control.

if you want to keep in contact, the only thing you can do is shut him down every time. Say no and if he carries on, hang up or leave. Wishing you all the very best.

have a look here. There is a forum for support, too

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

Also, OP women’s aid will help. I emailed them about my parent and they were very clear it was abuse. You can email them first if you don’t want to call.

oh poor you, it sounds horrific. I think the only answer is to go completely no contact with him unfortunately. Just because your mother puts up with it, doesn't mean you have to.

He's vile . How could he treat his own daughter like this . He should be ashamed .

Tell your mum and dad that your job is at risk for redundancy. Next month, tell them you lost your job and need money. Keep asking your dad for money every now and then.

Start saving. Make sure you have updated address on all your financial documents. Can you meeT your mum outside the house? Like in a coffee shop or something?

Op, your thread stayed on my mind as you’re about the age of my child and it’s so very sad that both your parents are doing this to you and it is both. Please be in no doubt about that.

the answer to solving this is in only your hands, only you can stop it. You won’t lose your family if you handle it correctly

you don’t need to go no contact. You need to do the following

never tell your mother anything about salary or going out again. She will tell him and let him know you’ve money. You need to accept this fact.

lie to your mother. You can’t go out you’ve no money. You’re in your overdraft due to the credit card debt and cost of living. If you tell her this she will pass it on. She is not on your side.

avoid many of your fathers calls, just text back and say sorry I’m at work. Or I’m working late, chat later.

if he asks for money just say I can’t I’m maxed out in my overdraft. I have nothing.

i strongly suspect this is the aapproach your brothers are taking. They tell him no and they say nothing about their finances or lie to your mother and him as they know if they are honest, he will ask and hassle for the money.

he is treating you like this as he knows you will give him the money if he does it enough.

i know it’s hard , you love them, and you’re only 21. But part of growing up is accepting our parents faults and also taking responsibility for our own decisions, and you decision is to give money, to tell her things you know she will tell him and to pretend to yourself you will lose your family if you behave any other way.

as a pp said, I don’t think you grasp the extent of the abuse by both your parents. And only you can stop it.

to be honest if your family doesnt have your back then I wouldnt worry about losing them at all. Think about changing your number and just going no contact. let your mind settle and try not to think about them at all! they are doing nothing to help solve this problem!