I've posted about this before- friendship

[crochetmonkey74]

I have no one to talk to in real life about this- and I feel a bit embarrassed about having a friendship issue at nearly 50!
Context (short) my much loved best friend who I thought was like a sister to me has really cooled since I became happier and not suicidal/ depressed. It's been a long road of recovery for me and really hard but since being happier she just can't cope with it. She's really backed off. I inherited some money as a result of a traumatic double bereavement. I've been able to buy a house (small) with no mortgage. She keeps bringing up that I now 'don't have to think about money anymore and she does' but we only ever go for cheap things like coffees - often even free things like walks. I find it so upsetting - firstly, I would give it all back if it meant I had my family back, secondly, I'm now comfortable but certainly not immensely wealthy and I still need to be aware of money.
I don't really know what I want anyone to say - I just have no one to talk to in real life about it!

I love her dearly and I think menopause is playing a part as is depression (hers) that she won't acknowledge. She is also a person who likes to be the 'saviour' so she finds it hard when people don't need saving anymore

This woman is not an emotionally healthy person or a good friend. She sounds bitter, resentful, and jealous. Do not allow her to impact your newly found contentment. Sometimes friendships need to end, and this might be one of those times.

Your last sentence is exactly what’s happened- she probably liked thinking of you as her poor friend with depression and no money so she could swoop down and save you but now you’re thriving, instead of being happy for you, she’s wishing you weren’t - not a real friend

People like your friend are more commonplace than we would care to think. Just like some people can outlive their usefulness in the eyes of some. I had two friends both go through awful break ups, I nourished and cared for both those women. Had them over loads. talked in to the night. Roll on years both ended up happily settled. I still see one though she relocated counties so a bit of a distance, the other just didn’t need me anymore. Friendships are tested at times of change both good and bad, she never liked you enough just like that one friend I had.

I had someone who once said something about us being lucky to get money from a bereavement (we got a new kitchen with it). I said I think Husband would rather have his mum back than a new kitchen. and they said oh eh well yes of course - and never mentioned it again.
Next time she says it fight fire with fire - your answer is I'd give it all back for 1 more day with Gran. Need to go. Bye.

That is such a trite thing to say. Eveybody dies. Everybody loses their family members, its just that some people also get money and houses when their family dies. You can't swap that for immortal family members. So one group: dead family and no money (or even debt because of that!) and the other group: dead family and a little or a lot of money as well.
Acknowledge your privilege.

I don't agree with this at all. You could argue that people should acknowledge the privilege of still having their family living and happy

Yes I'm thinking this. It's hard as she has been such a rock at such hard times but now is very cold and distant

I think when she mentions this, you should say I'd hand it all back in a heartbeat for my family back. Also, tell her that you don't want to discuss money at all. Failing that, if she still mentions it I'd cut ties.

To the person above saying acknowledge your privilege 🤣 honestly this place is full of madness at times. People are entitled to have money and shouldn't have to feel it needs discussing with anyone else. It's not OPs fault that her friend doesn't have money.

I think as well- we are at the age where several of our friends have finished paying their mortgages off, so while I am in a 'lucky' financial position, its not unheard of at our age - we have several friends who have been able to take early retirement. I just feel so lost with it all. I would never have believed it. She has become bitter, with barely concealed anger at me. She did struggle when her Dad married again, I think for similar reasons, i.e not being as needed anymore.

A long time ago I had a friend of a few years who was going through a bit of a tricky time, as was I. We supported each other. Things got better for her and I was so pleased.

However, when everything turned round and got better for me she started being really weird and unfriendly. When I asked her what the matter was, what had I done... she said (and I quote)
"I so much prefer you when you are unhappy, I don't like you happy like this at all"

That was the end of the friendship!

Agreed!

I think when someone has seen you at your most vulnerable, it feels very special and you are so exposed that you feel grateful to be looked after, when this turns it's sort of shocking and appalling all at once. it feels like such a betrayal

I really hate people that say that. Pretty much EVERYONE is privileged in some way above others. But it's ridiculous to think everyone should always "acknowledge their privilege" when their life still isn't great in some way. I had a large inheritance when both my parents died. I had zero family. No siblings. No partner. No kids. No aunts or uncles. No grandparents. I was so lonely and depressed. But apparently I should acknowledge my privilege. Why shouldn't those with loving families acknowledge theirs as well? People always say family matters more than possessions. But apparently not in the case of inheritance. Obviously there are some people that have no family and no money. There's ALWAYS people worse off than you. But telling everyone they can't get upset or annoyed about something because they need to acknowledge their privilege is daft.
You wouldn't tell a woman suffering from secondary infertility to acknowledge her privilege that at least she had one child.
Or someone who had many miscarriages that they were at least able to get pregnant and should acknowledge that privilege.
Or someone who's dad died that they should acknowledge their privilege of at least having had a dad in their life in the first place.
The fact is money does not buy happiness. Plenty of rich people suffer severe depression and end their own lives. And telling someone who is incredibly lonely and depressed about having no family to acknowledge their privilege is horrible.
(If it makes you feel better I spent 10s of thousands of my inheritance on fertility treatments that failed). So now I'm much poorer and still have no family. I guess I should just acknowledge the privilege of that in some way as well.

If there was a terrible event somewhere (severe storm or terrorist attack etc). Would people's first worry be their possessions or their family? It's always the family. There's a reason people say as long as everyone is OK that's what matters. So you can tell rich lonely people that they are the most privileged if you want. But everyone knows deep down that when times are bad or the end is near, it's family that matters most.

This side discussion is not yseful to OP. Her other commeion the friendship reveal that the old friend has become “bitter” and hard towards the OP and others.

I think OP should either gently raise the issue with the friend “You seem really angry and unhappy that I have achieved some security. Do you want to continue the friendship or would you like to end it?”

Or just evaluate it and end it yourself.

My mother is like your friend, OP — she is only attracted to people she feels are more unfortunate, ill or unlucky than her. In her case, it’s low self-esteem and her own (largely unconscious) unhappiness that makes her choose people she feels ‘need’ her. Her idea of ‘news’ is what deaths, Illnesses, accidents or misfortunes have happened locally. Good news stories don’t interest her, and if I phone her in a good mood, because something good has just happened (new job, award, book contract etc), I can feel her withdrawing.

I think your friendship may have only worked on the basis of the ‘rescuer /rescuee’ model. You’ve rewritten the rules (and good for you). Now you don’t ‘need’ her, as you’re not in need of rescue, and it sounds as if she can’t adjust to being equals.

You're so right. I'm so lucky that my mum died years before her time, because I'm now mortgage free. She was clearly holding me back when she was alive.

However, when everything turned round and got better for me she started being really weird and unfriendly. When I asked her what the matter was, what had I done... she said (and I quote)
"I so much prefer you when you are unhappy, I don't like you happy like this at all"

I 100% agree with this.

I had both a boyfriend and one close friend fall out with me when my circumstances improved through hard work.

I went from a low paid to high paid job. I bought a house.

Constant digs and I was always apologising. I stopped telling them anything good that happened.

It's just so horrible- I am finally happier, I have lost weight, I am making new friends at work and being generally more social (going to staff room etc) have joined a local club and doing some voluntary work too and am now ready to start dating again. Who do I want to share all this joy with ? Her- as she is really important to me- but i'm just getting anger. I am NOT oversharing or being annoyingly cheerful with her- in fact I tone myself down to not come over as annoyingly blase etc

Ok then, you have your answer. She doesn’t like the new you. And you can’t keep hiding your happiness and growth from her. The relationship has to end.

it just makes me want to weep

Me too!! My mum died young and I got her car!! Lucky lucky me. Now if i could only arrange for my husband to die I'd be mortgage free....