I can't be the only one this happens to?

[queenofayrshire]

Woke up this morning, laying in bed and having a nice relaxed scroll through Mumsnet. Come across the thread about which generation had it the hardest. This somehow led my brain to think about how one day I will be dead. Usually I'm quite chill about dying, don't give it much thought, no control over it, when my time is up, it's up etc. don't think too deeply. However not the case this morning.

I got this overwhelming gut punch in my stomach realising that I'm going to die one day. And that the people I have been surrounded by all my life, will no longer be with me and the things I enjoy doing, I'll not be able to do again. And I'll be alone for eternity. And me and everyone else I know will be forgotten about in 100 years, as if we didn't exist. I feel this overwhelming panic and helplessness. I know it'll pass, I'm 31 and have experienced this before.

But does this happen to anyone else? Like I know death is inevitable but I keep it at arms length but once in a while the reality of it hits me. Anyone else?

Ugh what a way to start a Friday

You get moments of it, don't you? One of mine was the other week at a relative's party. I realised that I remembered family parties of old in the 1980s and 90s where the older generation were, to my young mind, WAY far ahead of me in terms of their life span. They used to talk about wartime and to me those stories seemed to be part of history - so long before. And I looked around the room and realised that nearly all of that older generation are gone, there were just a few people older than me, and we were slowly getting "taken over" by younger generations. In a few years' time it will be ME who is the old one sitting in the corner straining to hear things and not knowing a lot of the music. And it freaked me out.

It's the sudden realisations that jjust get you every now and again.

Yes I understand. There's also being immortal in spirit alone. Almost like an observer, rather than a participant.

Was just about to say about the eternal nothing before thing @Alloveragain3

Theres films or songs that have came out in a certain year before I ever existed and think how strange that was a world without me. It’s the same if I see a photo of my mum and dad before I was born. I think it’s natural to think about it so much more when you have your own children and realise there was a world before them and they just come from nowhere.

The bit in Ricky gervais’ afterlife at the end of the first series when his wife, the dog and then him are walking away and one by one they disappear (as they die) really brought it home to me. I think most people must imagine it the same way though and assume they’ll be 85-90+ because the alternative is just terrifying and not worth worrying about but for lots of people that’s the reality too 😭

Oh that AL scene, gets me every time 😥

I feel like I've lived with death my whole life really. My mum died when I was a baby. I'm now in my 70s and have had a bout of unexpected random ill health which scared me. I'm over it now but it's possible it will flare up again. I arranged my funeral the other day and as usual couldn't get my head around being parted from my children - not that I'll be aware, I know that. The thought of slow painful death frightens me I just hope it will be sudden and quick.

I worry more about one of my children or grandchildren dying before me!

I get this feeling at the end of every year, just before we go into a new one. A sudden panic at what the new year could bring and will everyone I know be alive and healthy by the end of it. I’m only 30 and all my grandparents and parents are dead so I think the fear of death is always there with me, although it strangely did ease slightly after my mum passed away. I mostly hate the thought of anything happening to my children, or to my DH or myself at a young age.

@changingmynamewithmysocks you and me both x

I've only ever been scared of dying horribly - plane crash, drowning, being chased by mad axeman kind of thing
Now I'm facing it, with inoperable cancer, I feel sad about all the things I won't get to do and see. But not scared.

I read in a chalet school book, many years ago, "dying is just falling asleep and waking up with God" and I'm holding on to that

Someone clever said something like, one day you'll just be a memory. Make it a good one

Me too. It would be devastating and difficult to go on. I also worry about my parents dying because I know this will be a reality in the next few years.

I have always thought about the fact that one day I, and those I love, will die, but I don't panic about it, it is sad on a personal level, but it is everyone's fate. I also think about the fact that in 100 years we will all have been forgotten except for our names written down on some register.

I think when you experience death around you it tends to bring it home even more. We have had quite a few deaths this year. Whilst planning one of two funerals not that long ago, it struck me that someone would do this for me - pick the music and plan or write the readings, etc. It is quite an odd feeling.

I agree @Tilllly it is how you die that's more frightening than dying I just hope in not too much pain. I know two women who died sitting in armchairs, watching tv, with a drink next to them and (hopefully) didn't know what was happening - that's how I want to go!

Best of luck Tilllly. Love your philosophy.

@changingmynamewithmysocks Very specific high five. I find there are moments I still want to “rage against the dying of the light,” but in general, I’ve made a lot of progress in making peace with it. I’m so glad to hear you have, too.

@queenofayrshire , to be honest, the way I made peace with dying, and (maybe not 100%, but 99%) stopped having the reaction to the kind of thoughts you’re talking about, is by trying to start living with less regrets. I can’t change the past, but I have a huge say in how I react to the present (even if I can’t control everything that happens in it - for example, I can’t stop war in the Middle East), and I can have a lot of say in how I’m going to shape and react to the future I have left. I’m not worried about being remembered in 100 years. I’m making sure the people I love know that I love them right now. Who knows; maybe it’s a love they can carry with them for the next hundred years.

Also, this idea that you’ll die and that’s it. It just seems really burdensome. It’s true that no one knows what eternity holds. Which means “nothing” is just as likely as “the best party you can possibly imagine with everyone you would ever want to be there.” Why not the party? Who says no?

My faith has gone in a lot of directions since I was diagnosed but I still enjoy the Christian scripture that says (Amplified translation), “And who of you by worrying can add one hour to [the length of] his life?” I still struggle with worry sometimes as I have generalized anxiety. But I try to remind myself that worry is… a thing that happens. It does not shape our future, unless we let it stop us from living.

I would say, the next time you feel this way, or anyone on this thread struggles with this as an overwhelming and unpleasant feeling, try the 54321 grounding exercise. Focus on noticing five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This can work particularly well if you’re laying in bed in the morning or up late at night having these thoughts, since laying in bed is really sensory (how the sheets feel, the color of your pillow, etc etc).

Good luck. And I hope maybe you can find a way to think about a future world after you’re gone that doesn’t cause you this panic. That perhaps the things you’ve done, the love you’ve shared, the help you’ve given, and even momentary interactions, will shape future generations (not just in your own family) for the better, even if those affected don’t know your name. We all create ripples.

Same here.

I'm feeling fine at the moment but as with any illness that leads to death, eventually my life will change and become limited/lead to dependence. So in reality, by the time it comes I'll probably almost welcome it. I think that's the case for most people.

It's what I've told my children too. That we'll experience all kinds of things on the route to my actual death, good and sad, and we might not be ready now, but life will prepare us along the way - same for you OP.

Don't worry now, there's no point upsetting yourself when you don't need to (trust me - be happy & free of that worry) just enjoy the beautiful bits like friendships & great experiences and when your time comes you'll actually be ok with it, because you had a beautiful life x

I have a strong faith (Christian) so tbh, I'm more worried about getting a bit decrepit than actually dying. I always used to think of heaven/afterlife in this sort of ethereal way (like the old Philadelphia cream cheese ads, harps and clouds etc) but after I went through a traumatic bereavement, I started researching the subject properly. I just know there's more and that gives me hope and peace. And if by any chance I'm wrong, then I've lost nothing.

As for worrying how your kids will respond, you'll probably be surprised. From about the age of 12, I used to fret about my mum dying and when I eventually spoke to her about it, it opened up a conversation that we followed for the rest of her life. She would always tell me that of course I'd be sad but that one day I'd also be ok, that she didn't want me pausing my life or being held back by her not being around etc. The strange thing is when she did die (very suddenly), I just remember those words, 'you're going to be ok'. It stuck by me for the darkest, worst parts of grief until one morning I woke up and I had a tiny slither of hope that eventually yes, I would be ok. I absolutely believe I'll be reunited with her one day too.

But I think what you're feeling is totally normal OP.

Same here. It's seeming more real every day.

Yes I don't like the thought of simply not existing anymore. I heard something the other day that really depressed me 'within 2 generations you'll be entirely forgotten'. It makes it all feel so fruitless - and my life has had some awful disappointments.

But then I look at my 94 year old father withering away in a care home with no quality of life and I see why people are willing to go when they do depart in old age. They're worn out and life holds no thrills - and everyone of their generation are gone.