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Original poster

Good banter or inappropriate behaviour?

34 replies

Liusinda · 20/10/2023 05:58

My husband recently helped out an ex colleague with a DIY project at her place, and since then, their messages have been…well, flirty. They’ve been making suggestive comments like “you want to come make my hole situation dirty with your tools and vacuum?” and joking about a plastered wall hole resembling a vulva, with her saying “no more wet holes” and him replying that’s it is not something he likes to hear… 🙄

I even reached out to her, quoting one of the messages, and she said it was just “banter.” But previously in a chat with my husband, he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then.

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting… What do you all think?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 20/10/2023 05:59

Not over reacting at all, that’s utterly inappropriate - I take it he won’t be doing any more work for her.

Olika · 20/10/2023 06:00

I find it inappropriate

PriOn1 · 20/10/2023 06:02

I what way are you overreacting and/or who says you are? Your husband seems to agree with you about her and the fact that he agrees (and perhaps thinks it’s funny) probably means your marriage is okay. If he was interested, I’d expect him to minimise it.

So what actions have you taken that could be described as overreacting?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 20/10/2023 06:02

The fact its making you feel uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop the messages. This is not OK and will soon be a emotional affair that could develop.

WorriedMillie · 20/10/2023 06:05

You’re not overreacting!

PriOn1 · 20/10/2023 06:05

Apologies, just reread your OP and your husband has made responses that are either encouraging her, or at least not discouraging her. Is that where the problem lies?

Is it all inappropriate: yes, absolutely, and frankly pretty grim.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/10/2023 06:07

Think I'd have the ick about anyone that entertained such gross 'conversation'

GoodnightJude1 · 20/10/2023 06:11

Not overreacting at all.
If that was my DH……

He’d now be my ExDH.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 20/10/2023 06:12

I'm all for a dodgy double entendre, but this even crosses the line for me, and needs to be shut down.

Original poster
Liusinda · 20/10/2023 06:13

@PriOn1 Yes, that’s exactly where I see the problem - him continuing the conversation with her along the same tone comes across to me as ‘encouraging’ to her

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 20/10/2023 06:14

Totally inappropriate. And disrespectful to you and your marriage.

Original poster
Liusinda · 20/10/2023 06:23

GoodnightJude1 · 20/10/2023 06:11

Not overreacting at all.
If that was my DH……

He’d now be my ExDH.

@GoodnightJude1 that’s the direction we’re heading into. I mean, it is not the main reason why, but I see it as the last straw. He recently announced that he’d like us to open up our marriage - he wants to sleep with other women, while keeping things at home as is. The marriage has been rocky, but the kids are only 2 and 4, and he doesn’t want to disrupt their world too much right now… we agreed to try and make it work, to rebuild trust/intimacy/connection which I felt were missing. But then he continues having these chats with her 🤷‍♀️ I mean, he is honest and all, but that doesn’t make me feel better about it and definitely doesn’t look like he is trying to focus on making our marriage work, hence, after reading these messages together last night, I said I want to get divorce as I just don’t see how we can make it work with such different views on what is normal banter

OP posts:
UtterlyButterly2048 · 20/10/2023 06:25

I think you are under reacting! I would go batshit if my DH was doing shite like this and he would be exactly the same if I was. It’s rude, disrespectful, seedy, shit behaviour. I am definitely not a “cool wife” and I would be telling him how much he had hurt my feelings and how disrespected I felt, as well as how pathetic I thought he was for being so desperate for an ego boost (“dirty hole”? Pair of rancid asshats) I would also tell him if he wanted to continue with this “banter” he could fuck off out of my life. Hard no for me.

Original poster
Liusinda · 20/10/2023 06:25

piscofrisco · 20/10/2023 06:14

Totally inappropriate. And disrespectful to you and your marriage.

@piscofrisco thank you. ‘Disrespectful’ is exactly the word I used to try and explain to him how it made me feel. He still can’t see why 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 20/10/2023 06:27

Of course he can’t ’see why’….!?

If he ’saw why’, he’d have to stop, and he doesn’t want to.

Just leave the loser to it.

So, so grim.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/10/2023 06:29

I like a bit of flirty banter but I'd just feel weird doing it with someone in a relationship. This is inappropriate.

Aquestioningmind · 20/10/2023 06:35

‘he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then.’

What a cuntwaffle.

He sounds disgusting and disrespectful. Tell him he’s not billy big bollocks and to pipe down.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 20/10/2023 06:41

Totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. He’s a tool if he thinks ‘opening up your marriage ‘ ( Aka so he can shag other women) is a good idea. If you were ok with it then that’s different but it’s obvious that you are not. It would eventually destroy your marriage. And it’s already on rocky ground as it is.
If the boot was on the other foot how would he feel if you were exchanging flirty banter with another man?

LuisVitton · 20/10/2023 06:42

Get ducks in a row ie speak to solicitor to see how money would be shared out,who would live where.
He has a bed waiting for him with ‘friend’ -you need to be the one calling the shots.
Once you know what’s what is the time to discuss divorce. Not make vague threats he won’t believe. If he sees that the dire ‘friend’ is his future he might change his tune.

Dacadactyl · 20/10/2023 06:43

It'd be "banter" if it was between you and him.

Between your DH and a colleague, it's so far beyond the realms of appropriate, it's unbelievable.

ConnieTucker · 20/10/2023 06:47

Disrespectful and inappropriate.

Given your updates and since he doesnt want to be a husband anymore, but cannot be arsed to divorce, id also assume the ‘honesty’ is his way of getting you to divorce him. The poor man who was doing a favour for a helpless woman and your jealously destroyed your healthy marriage…

Floridasun · 20/10/2023 06:49

I have banter with my best friend husband and sometimes it’s dirty but more like lads talking to lads dirty not flirting.

I wouldn’t like this, it’s flirty and emotional cheating in my book.

Velvian · 20/10/2023 06:51

I wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Does open marriage to him mean he shags around, while expecting that you will be sitting at home waiting for him?

In a couple of years, your children will be at an easier age. Doe he not realise you need to weather this together? He doesn't sound like he has much about him. The most interesting thing he's got to offer is that he wants to have sex? Brilliant, what a catch!

Pipsquiggle · 20/10/2023 06:51

So he wants a nice little wifey at home and sleep around with other women.

He sounds immature, disrespectful and a dickhead

Coffeeandanap · 20/10/2023 07:01

I guarantee him wanting to stay together for the kids is not his main driver - I am going to take a leap that opening up the marriage and keeping things the same at home will work wonderfully in his favour - assume you do the majority of the cooking, cleaning & generally keep the house running?

My ex husband tried the same with me, he dressed it up in the same way yours is & really laboured the fact he was being honest with me and I should be grateful for that.

It may be honest but it doesn’t sound respectful or loving.

I left & have never been happier. I assume he’s now doing whatever he wants sexually & I really don’t care, I no longer have to carry the resentment of being with someone who I carry at home whilst feeling disregarded, disrespected and abused.