Good banter or inappropriate behaviour?

[Liusinda]

My husband recently helped out an ex colleague with a DIY project at her place, and since then, their messages have been…well, flirty. They’ve been making suggestive comments like “you want to come make my hole situation dirty with your tools and vacuum?” and joking about a plastered wall hole resembling a vulva, with her saying “no more wet holes” and him replying that’s it is not something he likes to hear… 🙄

I even reached out to her, quoting one of the messages, and she said it was just “banter.” But previously in a chat with my husband, he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then.

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting… What do you all think?

Sorry to add, mine went on to cheat also when I wouldn’t open the marriage up. Gaslit me with how men aren’t built for being with one woman sexually etc. Based on what you’ve written I’m worried you’re going to experience similar

You don’t believe he “can’t see why” surely. He doesn’t think it is innocent, he is just trying to make you feel stupid.

The messages I would roll my eyes at, think are inappropriate and would expect DH to shut it down, but wouldn't read into it more than that unless I had other reasons to be concerned about the friendship.

However this:
‘he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then
tips the balance to me into grim and disrespectful. He's clearly encouraging her and enjoying the ego boost, and is trying to get a reaction from you.

He's trying to get two women doing the pick me dance, which is arsehole behaviour.

@Liusinda, your H’s message exchange with this OW is beyond the pale. He is making an utter mockery of you and your marriage.

He is actually creating more distance between you. He can’t “rebuild trust/intimacy/connection” while engaging in sex-talk with other women. He wants to pursue thrills elsewhere, and his filthy chat with OW is part of that agenda. He enjoyed goading you about her attraction to him.

He’s disgusting, non-monogamous, and a terrible role model for the children. I’d divorce him and leave him and OW to their dirty wet hole talk.

This. He has no intention of fixing your marriage and has one foot out of the door already. There wouldn't be anywhere else to go for me in this situation. She's a fucking horrible selfish bitch too, but she's not your problem - he is.

So funny these men suddenly want an open marriage shortly after they develop a friendship with another woman isn't it 🤔 very cliché. Divorce is the only option I see here.

Yanbu. That is the kind of language people use when they are shagging. If they ain't shagging now, they will be soon

Ask your H if you had a plumber working at your house, if you were messaging about wet patches, dry/wet holes/ flushing your pipes, etc. would he be happy with that. my guess is no. Leave him now it won't get better.