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Original poster

Shift work

45 replies

Summersolstice88 · 19/10/2023 21:38

I'll start by saying I know nights/shifts are hard but for those who works nights/shifts or have partners who do, how much do you expect those working nights/shifts to help round the house or with childcare?

Dh has always worked nights, and it's been OK, before children was easier, we've gotten through until now but the bulk of the childcare/school & nursery runs and housework fall to me (I have an office hours wfh job with 1 or 2 days a week in the office)

Today I had to travel to a different office, by train. Dh is on nights. I left at 730 as dh came home and dropped kids off at breakfast club/nursery. All fine until I came home, issues on the trains and despite getting one that was an hour earlier than planned, Dh had to pick the kids up at 530. I eventually got home at 630 (3 hours train journey with delays) to find kids not fed, nothing done in the house and Dh going back to bed for another hour as he only slept 8 - 4ish

I get working shifts are hard especially nights and sleeping in the day is hard, but today was an exception and he's not stopped moaning about how I've messed his sleep pattern up and how I shouldn't have been travelling when he was on nights etc

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 19/10/2023 21:41

Mine does sod all. But he doesn’t sleep all day. He sleeps till about 2pm then needs ‘chill out’ time in front of the tv.

I can’t be bothered arguing anymore tbh. At least I won’t be disappointed if I just get on with stuff. It is hard (for both of you). Have you discussed him helping a little more if he feels able?

ASCCM · 19/10/2023 21:42

He’d had 8 hours sleep but that wasn’t enough?!?

He absolutely should have had the kids fed and sorted. I’m sorry you came home from a shitty day to more demands!

2023shady · 19/10/2023 21:44

It's hard.. I used to feel sick with tiredness sometimes
Basically reverse it and think sleeping 8pm - 4am, I would feel pretty grim with that! It never feels like quality sleep either
What worked best for me was finishing work and doing the "after work" stuff as if on days so cook, wash up, shower etc then go to bed a bit later. Would sleep 9.30/10am - 6pm usually which is more normal (if you think of it as 10pm - 6am!)

FannyFifer · 19/10/2023 21:45

I dream of having 8 hours sleep on night shift.
That's loads of sleep, he's being ridiculous.

FannyFifer · 19/10/2023 21:51

I get home about 0745, tidy/clean house, put a wash on, prep something for dinner, get kids off to school, bed by about 9.
Up again between 1500-1600, make dinner, empty dishwasher, sort washing. Leave for work again at 1945.
DH leaves for work 0730, home at 1640.
Night shift but life goes on eh.

UsingChangeofName · 19/10/2023 21:53

He is being ridiculous.

My dc works shifts. His partner is working long hours at the moment and is under quite a lot of stress at work, so my ds has taken over all the housework / cooking / shopping / including making her packed lunch for her. As I would expect and reasonable partner would.

I would have expected him to take your dc up to breakfast club before coming home to sleep, and I certainly think that the 8 hours he had would be considered a luxurious sleep when you have children.

He needs to stand up and start parenting.

Neodymium · 19/10/2023 21:56

i used to be the shift worker. On nights I would sleep til about 2 or 3. Then get up clean up the breakfast dishes, cook dinner, clean up the cooking stuff, pack lunches for next day and then leave for work at 5:30. Dh would feed the kids I prepared and put them to bed and not a thing more. I’d come home next morning to a mess. And then would repeat. I left that job cause otherwise I would have left him.

mummytothree87 · 19/10/2023 23:01

I work nights and have done for the best past of a decade. I finish at 0730 get home around 10/10.30 due to public transport. Get home shower,eat and spend time with the kids for a bit if weekend. I go to bed about 12pm then up between 4/5pm Get sorted for work have tea and help Dp sort kids for bed then head to work again about 7.30 to get there for 9. I work most weekends and Dp works mon-fri days and also on Sundays so if working Saturday night I don't go to bed at all on Sunday and spend the day cleaning,playing with the kids and shopping for the week ahead before going to bed once the kids do. It's tiring but it has to be done. I'd love a straight 8 hours to spend in bed.

Nomorecoconutboosts · 19/10/2023 23:09

I’ve worked nights with and without dc
8-4 sleep is very good.
if he only managed 4-5 then I could understand him needing an extra nap or rest.

I used to go to bed soon after arriving home - 8ish. I’d take the dc to wraparound if it was a school day as dh would have to start a bit later than usual, due to waiting for me to get back. If necessary he would pick up dc and do most of the evening stuff. I’d sleep till early afternoon then rest/watch tv etc.

I would maybe spend an hour or two on basic house and meal stuff. Such as stick potatoes in oven, put wash on etc. It is very tiring however he could easily do an hour or so to support the family…

I’d eat mainly marmite on toast myself!

Heyhoherewegoagain · 19/10/2023 23:32

There’s a huge difference between being in bed 8-4 and sleeping 8-4…ask me how I know

SquashedCushion · 19/10/2023 23:33

I work permanent nightshifts, I always have done.
I do absolutely nothing but sleep. No housework, cooking, anything.
I usually go to bed at around 9 and sometimes I'll sleep until around 4, other times I'll sleep until 7.
I would go mad if someone either woke me up or expected me to do anything domestic during my run of nights.
Let me ask those who have never worked nightshift, do you get up at 03.00 to start work at 09.00?
Do you get up at 03.00 and start doing domestic chores before going to work?
No? Why not? You expect a nightshift worker to!
Get it into your head that my daytime is your night time, and your day time is my night time.

Lavender14 · 19/10/2023 23:37

Also used to work shifts. I agree with those who suggest it's easier to get things done and then go to bed later. So I'd come home, put my comfies on, do the housework and have something to eat and a shower and then go to bed.

It's hard if you're on a changing shift pattern like I was, but if he is on the same shift throughout then he needs to get into a routine with that where he also gets things done.

If its really not working for him, if he can't help at all as a team mate then he needs to be actively looking for a 9-5...

Lavender14 · 19/10/2023 23:39

I'm even thinking there's lots he could do to forward plan. Like I'd have stuck the slow cooker on so that by dinner time when I was getting back up I'd have a batch cook done. Things like that don't take long and it would mean he'd have an easy dinner ready for the kids etc coming home.

Armychefbethebest · 19/10/2023 23:42

I've recently changed jobs from school hours to full time shift patterns vary some days 5pm till 5am some 10pm till 9 am . I usually come home and do the bits in the house before bed then it's done when I get up .partner does 6am till 2pm so will do teas ,packed lunches anything else if I'm still in bed . We are generally quite tidy and I've always cleaned as I go , then it's a case of a good go through the house every couple of weeks then. But there's only 2 teens and I know how difficult it is to have a couple of tots a useless(now ex) husband and a demanding job. I don't think there's a one size fits all but I think the poster who said getting up at 3am for your 9am start you wouldn't do it had hit the nail on the head there x

PantsOfDoom · 19/10/2023 23:46

It sounds like it’s time for him to look for a daytime job as he doesn’t seem to be able to contribute to house practicalities in his present role.

a poor sleep should be manageable occasionally, many people have sleep issues

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2023 23:47

I used to get back home about 8. Take my children to school. Do some housework, washing. Have food, hopefully be asleep by 10am and up for 3, for the kids coming home. Pack as much as I could in. Then go to be about the same time as the kids. I'd do twelve hour shifts, three/four days a week.

UsingChangeofName · 19/10/2023 23:47

SquashedCushion · 19/10/2023 23:33

I work permanent nightshifts, I always have done.
I do absolutely nothing but sleep. No housework, cooking, anything.
I usually go to bed at around 9 and sometimes I'll sleep until around 4, other times I'll sleep until 7.
I would go mad if someone either woke me up or expected me to do anything domestic during my run of nights.
Let me ask those who have never worked nightshift, do you get up at 03.00 to start work at 09.00?
Do you get up at 03.00 and start doing domestic chores before going to work?
No? Why not? You expect a nightshift worker to!
Get it into your head that my daytime is your night time, and your day time is my night time.

Well if you want to compare, many (most?) people who work in the day, come home and then crack on with cooking, cleaning, laundry and everything else that needs doing before going to bed. But I have met "morning people" who get up and do a whole load of jobs before going to work in the morning.

So, someone on nights who wants to just mirror a person on days, would get home at the start of the day, and could spend 2 or 3 hours getting stuff done then. (to mirror people who do household jobs after they get in from work and before they sleep)
or
They could go to sleep when they get in and then get up and do their share of the jobs before going to work.

I know my dc prefers to go to sleep then and get up after 6 or 7 hours, but I guess that is personal preference.

Fairygoblin · 19/10/2023 23:51

Daytime sleeping is absolutely NOT the same as night time. It's incomparable.

jenpil · 20/10/2023 00:22

mummytothree87 · 19/10/2023 23:01

I work nights and have done for the best past of a decade. I finish at 0730 get home around 10/10.30 due to public transport. Get home shower,eat and spend time with the kids for a bit if weekend. I go to bed about 12pm then up between 4/5pm Get sorted for work have tea and help Dp sort kids for bed then head to work again about 7.30 to get there for 9. I work most weekends and Dp works mon-fri days and also on Sundays so if working Saturday night I don't go to bed at all on Sunday and spend the day cleaning,playing with the kids and shopping for the week ahead before going to bed once the kids do. It's tiring but it has to be done. I'd love a straight 8 hours to spend in bed.

Oh my, that sounds strenuous. I hope you listen to something soothing or read a nice book on the public transport. It could be a little bit of "me time" for you.
Plenty of water too. Stay well. 👍

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 00:25

Bet you wish you could have 8 hours sleep! Yes shift work is hard but that doesn’t absolve him from any responsibility for anything. This is not the norm, he needs to see that shut up and support you

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 00:29

SquashedCushion · 19/10/2023 23:33

I work permanent nightshifts, I always have done.
I do absolutely nothing but sleep. No housework, cooking, anything.
I usually go to bed at around 9 and sometimes I'll sleep until around 4, other times I'll sleep until 7.
I would go mad if someone either woke me up or expected me to do anything domestic during my run of nights.
Let me ask those who have never worked nightshift, do you get up at 03.00 to start work at 09.00?
Do you get up at 03.00 and start doing domestic chores before going to work?
No? Why not? You expect a nightshift worker to!
Get it into your head that my daytime is your night time, and your day time is my night time.

So just because you are in nights you don’t do anything? That’s ridiculous. Why should someone who works days not say the same? But no they get up at 7pm, get the breakfasts, tidy, kids to school, work a full day, get home, get tea, tidy up, clean, washing etc kids to extra clubs etc and with luck bed by 11. So they do a lot and you do sod all

SquashedCushion · 20/10/2023 01:20

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 00:29

So just because you are in nights you don’t do anything? That’s ridiculous. Why should someone who works days not say the same? But no they get up at 7pm, get the breakfasts, tidy, kids to school, work a full day, get home, get tea, tidy up, clean, washing etc kids to extra clubs etc and with luck bed by 11. So they do a lot and you do sod all

Show quote history

I do my part on my days off.
When I'm working, nope, not going to happen between me waking and returning to work that night.

MissTrip82 · 20/10/2023 01:52

We both do both nights and days.

Same hours day shift is just not comparable to nights I’m afraid. Nor is the same number of hours spent asleep. I can instantly tell from the above posts who has never worked nights.

Unfortunately though we both still have to do household stuff - the night shift person does a lot less, in recognition of the very very different quality of sleep and the terrible effects night shift has on our brains and bodies.

Despite that, a one off like the OP shouldn’t result in moaning and carrying on.

IfIHadAHeart · 20/10/2023 01:57

I think some of it depends on the length of the shift and the commute…

I work 12 hour nights, with a 45 minute commute each way. By the time I’ve changed into/out of uniform at the start and end of my shift I’m out of the house for around 14 hours a day. I do literally nothing on my run of nights.

Day time sleep is not like night time sleep. It’s lighter, even with blackout curtains. You’re disturbed by the neighbours, cars, postman, deliveries, I live near a school so the kids can usually be heard at play time. I am exhausted at the end of my run of nights. Shift work has been shown to take years off your life!

if he pulls his weight when not at work I’d cut him some slack. If he doesn’t, his night shifts are not the problem!

Jumpleaprun · 20/10/2023 02:00

What sort of Tom fuckery is this to not expect a shift worker to not help out? I work as a nurse doing shift work and I am doing my laundry before a night shift, meal prep for myself and DH on my time before an afternoon shift, grabbing grocery’s at 7:30am on my way home before sleeping. Fair enough you might not be doing stuff at the usual times people do chores IE sat and Sunday says but you bloody well have time. Anyone who says otherwise is completely delusional