Shift work

[Summersolstice88]

I'll start by saying I know nights/shifts are hard but for those who works nights/shifts or have partners who do, how much do you expect those working nights/shifts to help round the house or with childcare?

Dh has always worked nights, and it's been OK, before children was easier, we've gotten through until now but the bulk of the childcare/school & nursery runs and housework fall to me (I have an office hours wfh job with 1 or 2 days a week in the office)

Today I had to travel to a different office, by train. Dh is on nights. I left at 730 as dh came home and dropped kids off at breakfast club/nursery. All fine until I came home, issues on the trains and despite getting one that was an hour earlier than planned, Dh had to pick the kids up at 530. I eventually got home at 630 (3 hours train journey with delays) to find kids not fed, nothing done in the house and Dh going back to bed for another hour as he only slept 8 - 4ish

I get working shifts are hard especially nights and sleeping in the day is hard, but today was an exception and he's not stopped moaning about how I've messed his sleep pattern up and how I shouldn't have been travelling when he was on nights etc

@Jumpleaprun It's not about the time, I don't want to, therefore I refuse to.
Why would I do the grocery shop on my way home after a nightshift when I can order it online to be delivered on my day off for example?

Completely agree @Jumpleaprun
People have worked nightshifts for as long as people have gone out to work for others, and of course that doesn't absolve them from pulling their weight at home too.

I'm the women working 12 hour shifts,mixture of days and night. I sleep horrendous after nights normally usually 4 max 5 hours. I'm not sure many people
Could have that on a night get up go to work and function to the point of all the housework. But I get up, pick DS up from school, make his tea make our tea and get him in the bath and ready for bed for DH getting home. Some days that's all I accomplish and tend to do house work on my days off. My DH works 50+ hour weeks but if I'm on shift at the weekend etc he will do the washing/have tea ready when I'm home and he always every night does the pots after tea. It works for us

Do you have a partner and children? I used to do nothing between night shifts except for exercise, sleep and watch some TV but as a grown up now with responsibilities I don't expect DH to do absolutely everything just as I don't expect him to on the days he works. I don't know anyone who works days who sleeps as soon as they finish work and until they start work without doing anything useful in between.

Yes I do.
Let me give you a quick summary of the week.
I work four, ten hour nightshifts per week.
Let's say for example, my run of nights that week start on the Monday night.
So, Monday. I get all the housework and laundry done. This includes cleaning the bathrooms, bedrooms, mopping the floors, hoovering throughout, taking delivery of the shopping, any household admin that may need doing, and any other jobs.
Cook dinner, have a shower, go to work.
Tuesday, sleep.
Weds, sleep,
Thurs, sleep.
Friday. Have a sleep till around 2, get up, strip / change the bed, do any household admin, tidy up, have a shower, make dinner.
Saturday, do the housework, including laundry, any odd jobs that might need doing, such as mowing the lawns, washing my car, cleaning the windows if the weather permits. Cook dinner. Babysit the grandkids if needed.
Sunday, as Saturday, but with the addition of visiting my elderly parents.
I also do all the decorating when needed.
But hey, feel free to accuse this sixty one year old of shirking her responsibilities.

Presumably if you have grandchildren you don't have young dependent children at home? That's different than the OPs DH isn't it. If you live with a spouse or partner then they're presumably a capable human being and can look after themselves for a few days, again that's different from small children. When your children were young did you work the same shifts and have the same routine between nights?

@Unithorn I did the same shifts when the children were young ( from them being born ) exactly the same applied.
The only difference is that my husband saw to the kids while I was sleeping.

Did he work? If so then wow, lucky man! I don't work with any men or women with young children who just leave it all to their partners between night shifts.

@Unithorn Yes, he works full time, he always has done.

@Unithorn Do you also work with many men who do nothing domestic / childcare when their wives aren't at work? Such as weekends for example.

This is ridiculous, I’m surprised you have a partner who is happy with that.
Your day might be their night but I can guarantee 10 hrs of sleep is going to be a lot more than they are getting!

@Coffeerum You think it's ridiculous that for three days a week all he has to do is make his own dinner?
Or, when the kids were at home, make their dinner too for those three days?
Wow.

I get 6-8hrs sleep and work 9-5 which also has to factor in night waking from my toddler so not actually solid sleep. So I'd say it was reasonable to allow 8hrs of sleep for a shift worker use white noise, black out curtains, disconnect doorbell, delivery drop box etc everything you can think of to allow for solid sleep, I used to live with a nurse on night shift and she'd always put up a do not disturb sign on door

So even if he did 12hr shift and had an hrs commute each way 14hrs, 8hrs sleep allow 30mins for shower that's 1.5hrs left so enough to put a load of laundry on, prep dinner, unload dishwasher etc

Assume he worked 12hr shift it would then mean more days off and so yes I'd expect alot on those days.

Your raising a family and running a home, financial contribution is not the end of his involvement and if he thinks it is I'd be slapping him in the face with a dose of reality.

As a day shift worker, I do all of that domestic stuff after work. The OPs husband doesn't, he just goes straight to bed. It's not fair to contribute zero to the running of the house. Perhaps he should stay up when he gets in and do some of the domestic labour. Nobody gets home from work at 7pm and is in bed for 7.30pm after all.

@Pumpkinspicelattetime Did you read my further post?

About how you don't have young kids anymore and aren't abdicating responsibility for them for half the week like OPs husband? Yep, read that.

@Pumpkinspicelattetime when the kids were little, he was more than capable of seeing to their needs three days a week, just as I were seeing to their needs the other four.
So in essence, I still saw to them more than he did.
Quite how that is abdicating my responsibilities I have no idea.

My DH has not long started a new job with night shifts - he is doing more round the house now than he did working 9-5. In fact I finish work at 5 (wfh) go downstairs and there isn't much for me to do.

The only exception is cooking, meal prep and food shopping. Otherwise he is doing a little bit every day when he gets in before he goes to bed.

@WhatWouldHopperDo Mine doesn't do anything domestic, apart from cook his dinner and tidy up after himself, he wouldn't know one end of the hoover from the other.
Hence I do it all on my days off and not when working.
Just the same as I did when the kids were little.

I don't tend to spend much time with my male colleagues and their families to be honest. Lots of men I work with though say about one of the highlights of being on nights being that you can get back for school run, be home for school pick up having had a decent chunk of sleep etc so presumably they help around the house like adults should.