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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ? SD

33 replies

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 09:39

Myself & DH have two DC 5 nearly 6 and 10 months he has a SD 11. We have her pretty much 50% it’s all ad hoc and it drives me a bit crazy. DH is also pretty useless with money! Won’t spend on holidays or days out.

SD is off on holiday frequently and days out ect we are quite the opposite and are busy running two businesses from home.

DD 5 almost 6 picks up on this more now, I suggested to DH we take our two to Disney land in Paris next year it would be a b’day & Christmas combined present. DD loves Disney & is very girly and I know she would absolutely love to go!

DH says SD has to come I’m absolutely fine with that but he won’t contribute towards the cost!?

this also happened with Lapland that I booked and I lost £800

AIBU to say I will just take our DD and DH can stay at home with the youngest?

also second AIBU I booked Christmas photos for us as a family checked with Ex we could have SD all fine & now they are holiday that week, photos can’t be done another time as she’s fully booked, I’ve paid 50% of it already DH said he won’t go without SD ( I understand this) so I’ve said I will take our two & he’s not happy about that.

he is making out I’m some evil step mother.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 19/10/2023 10:39

Your DH is being silly.

If you booked the photos when SD was available, and now she is going on holiday, then that's not your fault. It would be silly to lose the money, so if he is going to be petty over it, then just go with the two kids yourself and have fun!

I don't understand the money thing. Surely you and DH have joint finances so how is him paying for SD any different to you both paying? Or do you have individual money and you want him to pay out of that?

I also don't understand how you can end up losing £800 booking Lapland. What changed?

SD is part of the family so you should be budgeting for her on all holidays. It's irrelevant what other holidays she gets.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:13

We each put a set amount into joint account to cover bills ect but the rest of the money is ours , I couldn’t afford to pay solely for us all to go.

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 19/10/2023 11:19

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:13

We each put a set amount into joint account to cover bills ect but the rest of the money is ours , I couldn’t afford to pay solely for us all to go.

Are you really saying he refuses to pay for any holiday for any of his children ever, when he could afford to? I don't know what that is but it's not being useless with money!

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 19/10/2023 11:21

Just you and your kids go OP, he can stay at home with his kid....or he could contribute for all of you

towriteyoumustlive · 19/10/2023 11:30

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:13

We each put a set amount into joint account to cover bills ect but the rest of the money is ours , I couldn’t afford to pay solely for us all to go.

Surely the money that goes into the joint account also covers holidays??

My and my DH have the same, but the joint account covers mortgage, bills, food, school stuff, school trips, childcare, activities for kids and holidays. We work out approximately how much all that will cost each year then work out how much each of us pays. He earns more than me so pays more into the joint account.

Perhaps you need to re-think your finances.

LittleOwl153 · 19/10/2023 11:43

I'd be telling him that you are going to Disney with DD. If he wants to come/SD to come he needs to provide 50% of the cost for the 5 of you upfront otherwise it will just be the two of you.

Beyond that I would continue with life as you want to with your kids, do not pay for him or SD to do anything or provide anything not included in the joint account. I'd be careful at Christmas too as I'm going to guess sd gets whatever she asks for but he doesn't contribute to your kids presents or it's a much lesser value.

And I'd look at separating from him... as he is making your daughter feel less than your sd and that is not fair on the kid.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:54

I pay for all child related stuff, swimming lessons, clothes , school trips & yes I pay for all birthdays & Christmas including SD
I think re looking at finances is definitely needed.

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 19/10/2023 12:04

Why isn’t he paying for any of his children? This isn’t a SD issue, this is a tight/financially abusive dad situation.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/10/2023 12:05

How much do you earn compared to him? He should be paying something towards his children even if you earn 10 times as much as him.

ClarkGablesMoustache · 19/10/2023 12:11

You definitely need a good long look at your not very joint finances, they are wildly askew if you are funding everything to do with your two children.

As long as he's able to take time off for looking after the baby, yes, of course you should take your little girl to Disney. She'll have a great time.

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2023 12:18

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:54

I pay for all child related stuff, swimming lessons, clothes , school trips & yes I pay for all birthdays & Christmas including SD
I think re looking at finances is definitely needed.

Why on Earth do you do that?? How is it justified?

LittleOwl153 · 19/10/2023 12:27

Yes a good look at the finances are needed.

I'd be quite frank with him. Unless he starts paying 50% of ALL child related expenses then you will stop paying ANYTHING towards SD.

That's not being an evil step mother that is expecting a father to take financial responsibility for ALL his children and not palming them off on the women he sleeps with.

LittleOwl153 · 19/10/2023 12:31

I'm assuming as you pay all this you are working... please tell me he at least pays for childcare for the little one?

Coffeerum · 19/10/2023 12:31

This gets muddied due to your weird financial set up.

Presumably you pay for all the kid stuff, but he pays all the bills then? How does that work out in terms of a proportional split factoring in incomes and his additional child then?

You say he won't contribute to the SD going on holiday, but that really depends on how your finances break down.

If you earned similar amounts and the contribution to joint expenses was 60/40 then you wouldn't feel like you were the one specifically paying for his other child.

Nowherenew · 19/10/2023 12:53

The SD is a red herring here.
You have a serious DH problem!

Yes take your eldest to Disneyland on her own and do the same for when the youngest is the same age.

The SD should be involved in all holidays and trips out normally (it doesn’t matter if she goes away with her mum) but not in this situation.

You take the eldest and DH can then take his DD somewhere she wants to go on his own on a different date.

Nowherenew · 19/10/2023 12:55

How much are you and DH both earning?

Why does he not pay for trips or holidays?

The photos are unfortunate but it is not your fault that the SD is going away and he either comes along or you go with just your DCs.
He can then choose a second photo shoot with his DD.

I don’t think I could stay in this relationship.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 13:16

We are both self employed running our own businesses ( not joint) we earn about the same amount.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 13:17

We don’t really do trips or holidays to be honest. This is something I’d like to change now DC are getting older

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 13:18

I’m working 40+ hours in my own business from home & have LO with me full time .

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 19/10/2023 13:23

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 13:16

We are both self employed running our own businesses ( not joint) we earn about the same amount.

In which case you absolutely need to sit down and discuss finances.

Or "DO" the finances. Open excel, and start listing all family expenses including money for days out or a holiday. If you earn near enough the same, then this should be split 50/50.

(My DH earns twice what I do, but also has a hobby that is far more expensive than mine so we work out what we deem to be fair)

cartagenagina · 19/10/2023 13:28

You have a DH problem. How dare he insist you should pay for his child to go on holiday. What is his reason for not wanting to pay?

I think you should start doing stuff just with your DC. And maybe start a running away fund…

stylishnot · 19/10/2023 13:28

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:54

I pay for all child related stuff, swimming lessons, clothes , school trips & yes I pay for all birthdays & Christmas including SD
I think re looking at finances is definitely needed.

Why on earth are you doing this? This is where it's going wrong. He sees you as footing the bill so why would he contribute. She's not your child so I don't know why you are doing it. If she goes without then so be it, maybe then he will see what a shit parent he is.

Cornflakes44 · 19/10/2023 13:29

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 13:18

I’m working 40+ hours in my own business from home & have LO with me full time .

How does this work? It's basically two full time jobs at once. Must be very stressful. Does your husband also work and look after the kids at the same time? Sounds like you're getting a good pretty crap deal here. Can you put them in nursery and insist he pays half?

stylishnot · 19/10/2023 13:30

Go away with your kids, carry on with the photos etc. why should you not be a parent to your kids and they miss out just because he is a shit one to all 3? I hope this makes you realise what he's like??

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/10/2023 13:31

Farmersswife · 19/10/2023 11:54

I pay for all child related stuff, swimming lessons, clothes , school trips & yes I pay for all birthdays & Christmas including SD
I think re looking at finances is definitely needed.

That's shocking. If all bills are paid from the joint account, what's left that he does pay for? What's he spending his money on?

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