Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated with my friend

32 replies

pussinboots61 · 18/10/2023 12:51

Hi, one of my friends, whom I've known for well over twenty years, is very awkward. She's not aggressive and is very polite but always wants her own way and contradicts me at times, but in a nice way if you know what I mean.

I do feel guilty being irritated with her because she lost her husband a year ago but the thing is she was like this before her husband became ill.

A few years before he became ill, she came to visit me at the flat I was living in then and spent the whole time criticising my decor and when I got out the plates and cutlery for our meal, which were clean, she washed them before I had chance to put the food out. I was quite passive then and didn't say anything.

Now I am on some different antidepressants which are making me feel stronger and more aware of what people are saying and doing to me so I do stand my ground more but I question if I should do this,

She doesn't work and hasn't done for a while, I work full time, yet the arrangements always have to suit her. The other week when I suggested changing a Sunday meeting to the week after because I will be working that Saturday and will be tired she told me that I only sit down in my job so why should I be tired? I did tell her that my job is very busy and tiring so she backed down then and said she knows from she worked in an office. I work on the front line and deal with people's issues so it's hardly a job where you have nothing to do.

Last Saturday was another example. She had been out already and rang me on her way back into the city centre asking if I would meet her for a coffee. I said I would, I was in the city centre myself having a coffee, I told her I had to go into a shop first and then would meet her. She rang me while I was at the check out saying she was there already, I told her I would be on my way and there in two minutes and then she said 'Let's leave it for today then'. I was quite put out as I had rushed to get to meet her so I told her I would be there soon so surely she could hang on which she agreed. When I got there she moaned that the cafe was too crowded and we ended up going somewhere she wanted. She then complained that it would take her an hour to get home on the bus. Another issue is that she always expects me to go to her end of town usually and I live at the other side of town, she doesn't think about me being on the bus for that long, plus having to get another bus from where I live, hence two buses.

She is a good friend and I feel sorry for her but I feel I am treading on eggshells all the time. Even in text messages she does it. Last night she messaged me to say she'd been shopping with a friend who didn't buy anything. This friend always tries loads of clothes on even if she doesn't buy any, so I just asked if she had been trying all the clothes on again in fun and my friend replied 'As I have said, she didn't buy anything'. I feel she is contradicting me all the time. I have mental health issues and find this difficult to cope with. Any views please?

OP posts:
DressingRoom · 18/10/2023 12:53

She doesn't sound remotely like a 'good friend', she sounds deeply tiresome, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to spend time around her. The question is why you think you are being in any way unreasonable to be annoyed with someone who is annoying? Why have you put up with this stuff for 20 years? Is this all you think you're worth?

MagpiePi · 18/10/2023 12:54

Why do you call her a friend? She sounds awful and I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship.

MaggieBsBoat · 18/10/2023 12:57

Echoing the above posters, she is not a friend. She is a frenemy and is using you to prop up her ideas and her sense of self. She sounds utterly exhausting and I’m Puls recommend you either stand up to her more or (as I would prefer) walk away.

SlippinJanie · 18/10/2023 13:03

She's not your friend. She's an irritating nit picker. Tell her to bugger off.

TiredMamOfTwo · 18/10/2023 13:07

I'd avoid her like the plague.

Jewelspun · 18/10/2023 13:08

What is she bringing to the friendship other than her time?

She's annoying, fussy and set in her ways.

Three ways to deal with the friendship.

Cut her dead and block on everything.

Tell her straight that the friendship has run it's course and you wish her well.

Ease off and let her do all the contacting and keep making excuses not to go and she might get the hint or just let the relationship go.

LimeCheesecake · 18/10/2023 13:11

im going to say this kindly, because a lot of people don’t seem to get it - but you don’t have to stay friends with someone just because you have been friends with them for years. It’s completely ok to decide you’re not interested in having them part of your life anymore.

id just be busy for a while. Arrange to spend your free time with people who like you. It’s ok to cut someone out.

AliceOlive · 18/10/2023 13:13

She sounds selfish and pompous. “As I have said”?
I wouldn’t even reply to that.

OhComeOnFFS · 18/10/2023 13:17

She's not your friend, she's just someone you know who's incredibly self-obsessed and irritating.

Now that you're feeling a little stronger, could you meet up with other people or find a way to make new friends?

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 18/10/2023 13:22

Thank you for your all your helpful replies. I feel guilty because I know she is grieving after the loss of her husband and spent two years looking after him and she has been through a lot.

I do understand how she feels but she does tend to 'measure' grief if you know what I mean and she says its worse to lose a good husband than your parents. I was devasted when my parents died, as she was when her mum died, but I feel you can't measure grief as a loss is a loss and it is always devastating.

We are planning a trip to York a week on Sunday and I know she will want to meet as early as possible whereas I don't as I get up early enough for work in the week. She did want me to 'make it a week day' but I had to remind her that I have to get leave from work.

I do have plenty of other friends but have had to recently distance myself from two others because of their selfish and critical behaviour. I hate to reduce my circle of friends.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 18/10/2023 13:25

Just practice saying “That doesn’t work for me.”

She wants to meet earlier than you, “That doesn’t work for me”.

Grieving doesn’t mean that her needs take priority over yours.

Catlover1705 · 18/10/2023 13:33

She sounds like she has her own mental health issues. I would talk to her as she might not realise her behaviour is affecting you. You have nothing to lose.

Cowlover89 · 18/10/2023 13:39

She's not your friend.

Caroparo52 · 18/10/2023 13:42

Only be with people who make you feel good. Life's too short to prop up or hang out with energy vampires.

MrsAlgernon · 18/10/2023 14:12

She sounds annoying, you do seem like a sweet person.

To me it also sounds like she has not been done favours by people not standing up to her, carrying on being inconsiderate on obvious things. Not all are malignant and can benefit from being told as it is, sometimes we all can be that stupid not to realise how our behaviour can affect others. No need to take grieving too much into the consideration.

Hope "that doesn't work for me, I have quite a few things to pick up first" and more assertive about your preferences will work...

PrinceHaz · 18/10/2023 14:16

I wouldn’t go to York with her and I’d start to distance myself significantly.
Perhaps your idea of what a friend is has been influenced by your previous lie mood and perhaps low self esteem.
You don’t have to be her friend. She’s an energy dapper and no good for you.

PrinceHaz · 18/10/2023 14:16

Sapper

billyt · 18/10/2023 14:24

I expect that her measuring of grief would change if it had been her parents not her DH.

She is a soul sucker and I could not put up with someone like this. I definitely couldn't class her as a friend.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 18/10/2023 15:32

Sorry OP, but people like this never change. They don’t get that other people have priorities too.

I have an ex-friend (note the ex!) who was just like this. She lived in my hometown and, when I visited my parents, always wanted me to go out with her on Friday night. I said this didn’t work for me as by the time I’d travelled up and gone home to change, it was too late to make it worth going back into town - plus I felt it was unfair on my parents to simply dump my bags and head straight out. I was always happy to see her on Saturday night.

All too often, she’d go out on the lash on Friday night anyway, and then on Saturday evening, I’d get a message saying she had “a touch of flu” and couldn’t come out. These bouts of flu never seemed to hit when she hadn’t been paralytic the night before 🙄 and she would mysteriously disappear on the Sunday, when she would be messaging wanting me to change plans with family to meet her instead.

I broke the pattern. So can you.

SurvivingCPTSD · 18/10/2023 15:38

I hate the competitive grief thing. Grief is grief and if you're affected by it, you're affected by it no matter what the relationship was you had with them.

she sounds hard work and exhausting.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 18/10/2023 15:44

Grieving doesn’t mean you get to be rude and unpleasant to people who are being kind to you. Distance yourself and if she asks be honest and tell her that her criticism / snarks etc makes it less enjoyable.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2023 15:50

I do have plenty of other friends but have had to recently distance myself from two others because of their selfish and critical behaviour.

Your friend sounds annoying and I think you would be wise to back away from her. But if you have now fallen out with three friends at the same time...what is going on here? Is it that you have had low standards for friends in the past and are now "cleaning house", which would be fair enough? Or could there be something going on with you that is making you irritable and impatient?

I suggest this because I myself am finding people annoying ATM and I'm pretty sure it's hormone related because it is not just one friend or colleague, it is lots of them! I am conscious of the need to bite my tongue and not speak aggressively and end long term friendships in haste.

coffeeisthebest · 18/10/2023 15:52

OP, you sound like you are finding inner resources that you weren't aware you had, and these women that you have accommodated when you were happy being walked over you are now seeing for exactly how they are. Yes this will feel uncomfortable, hell yes, because this whole time you have been allowing her to undermine you and now you are seeing it full throttle and really feeling the impact it is having. If you think you need a lie in on that Sunday, you need to state that need, and then see if she can meet you anywhere. If she can't then maybe start to let this lady go. Of course none of us like to lose friends but life is so short why should we put up with crappy unequal relationships with people that are only interested in themselves. Take care.

CoffeeCantata · 18/10/2023 15:56

She sounds awful, OP. I can't see why you like her from your post.

Yes, she's been widowed, but just because she's widowed doesn't make her a nice person. Up to you, but if she's constantly upsetting you I think you should fade out of her life gracefully.

Newestname002 · 18/10/2023 16:17

@pussinboots61

She's not really a friend, is she OP? A friend, more often than not, is supposed to add to your life and give you a bit of a lift not make inconvenient demands or make snide remarks, or chip away at you, however quietly put or softly spoken.

Her remarks about your flat: I once invited a friend come for dinner and overnight stay at my new-to-me home, which I'd proudly bought on my own, and started making making derogatory comments. That stung and I told him if he was going to be so rude he could leave and go elsewhere. As I said, friends are supposed to support you, not drag you down.

Raise your boundaries - it's better to have fewer people in your life who really care for you than people who drain your energy. 🌹