Page 19 | Those cool, messy, usually wealthy mums

Shessodowntoearth · 2023-10-18T09:19:41+00:00

I want to be one 😅 Does anyone know the type? Usually quite a few kids, at least two, kids are lovely, but generally quite messy/put together in a kooky way. Houses are beautiful, but messy/disorganised, beautiful pieces everywhere/decoration but with a lived in/messy vibe. The mums are the same, usually seem quite disorganised but chilled out at the same time, generally away somewhere every school holidays and don’t work. I know quite a few mums like this near me and wonder what this life is like, mainly the having more money. I’d love to be as laid back if people come around, to not care about the mess as the house is so incredible, to not worry if my kids clothes look scruffy in a cool way and to be comfortable in myself. Is this what happens when you come from money?

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2023 16:59

. I can't imagine that refraining from having people around to your house unless you've spent considerable time cleaning it in advance is that conducive to a social life.
I had this exact conversation with a friend when DC were younger.

If you're really worried about what people will say about your house to the extent you don't invite people over, you're left always having to fork out for coffee shops, play centres, soft play or other external venues to meet. Most of us aren't rolling in money so we don't do it, and then it's hard to build friendships and find your village.
Also if you're always feeling the pressure because someone else's house is immaculate that makes you feel worse as a parent, but then you've no idea whether they stayed up til 11pm cleaning to get it visitor ready for the play date and they're equally feeling the pressure of ridiculous expectations.

Give me a chilled out coffee in a slightly messy house any day. If a friend is going to think less of me because there's craft on my dining table, some dust on my skirting boards and a laundry basket of clothes in the utility room then they're probably not my kind of friend.

Llewrac · 19/10/2023 17:07

RubyBoozeDay · 19/10/2023 16:11

A hotch potch of different chairs, otherwise people might think you've bought the entire table and chairs from somewhere like FurnitureLand

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This is what I suspected!

wishingiwas20something · 19/10/2023 17:13

Gosh! We seem to fit many of your Boho-inspired criteria.

Disorganised (this probably more to do with my ADHD than a purposeful ‘too posh to wash attitude’)
Creative jobs (although DH was promoted to the board, probably rare for editorial types), I work a few weeks of each year in something artsy but well-paid
Kid at private school (very long holidays so doing something artsy means I have time to be around)
Messy house filled with heirlooms, expensive furniture and art (no IKEA - it’s banned!)
Huge stone kitchen island

Where we don’t meet your description:
Multiple kids (just the one for us)
Muddy dog (we have a muddy rescue cat)
Massive house (ours is a relatively modest 3 reception, 4 bed, 2 bath)
Mucky house (I like things messily curated, but clean underneath)

Fascinated by this thread as always assumed the high-powered working parents loathed the more bohemian, as opposed to admiring!

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/10/2023 17:16

girlswillbegirls · 19/10/2023 09:01

In case this is interesting for anyone, outside the UK and Ireland this is seen as the oldest thing. I'm originally from Spain and I would say its unthinkable for anyone from any spectrum of society proudly having a messy house, and say its because "you have better things to do". If you have a messy house over there you keep it very quiet and have nobody over until is tidy and clean.
When I'm over there in Spain meeting old friends they ask me about this fact. I try to explain that there is a thing of "I don't care, I'm wealthy and I'm proud of not bothering, a mix between neo-hippy and this is beneath me". They still don't get it.
In Spain either you clean or pay someone to do it but houses are very tidy and clean. Wealthy or poor, old money or nuovo rich.
more than 20 years abroad but I am still fascinated when going to people's houses and I witness this. The mess and disorganisation. And no anxiety at all, but pride. It's really funny and interesting from a foreigner's point of view.

I saw plenty of messy houses when I lived in Spain. But always welcoming and friendly, so no one gave a hoot that they were...

WinterDeWinter · 19/10/2023 17:22

I think ‘give a hoot’ is the most MN expression ever. It’s very aspirational (sorry pp, definitely not singling you out’)

whatkatydid2013 · 19/10/2023 17:23

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2023 12:20

whatkatydid2013
You sound like my type of mum.

We also let DC choose what they're wearing and don't care about the odd paint mark or mud stains on the knees. Why would I want to waste money when there's perfectly decent clothes there to play in?
Mine have never left the house in a tutu and odd wellies though, although they've definitely chosen a Christmas jumper in spring once because it was in the clearout pile. Any parent knows that once something is earmarked to leave the house it's the bestest most favouritist, out of the world most amazing item in the universe. 😂

Oh absolutely. Even if they hated it last week the second you suggest getting rid of something it’s immediately their favourite thing in the world ever.

TammyJones · 19/10/2023 17:26

🤣
Good answer.
agreed about your dh

feralunderclass · 19/10/2023 17:38

RubyBoozeDay · 19/10/2023 16:11

A hotch potch of different chairs, otherwise people might think you've bought the entire table and chairs from somewhere like FurnitureLand

Show quote history

I think it's more a case that they've inherited chairs from different skips family members. Old money seem to hate waste, hence the MN stereotype that they're all wearing hey jumpers.

MatildaonMain · 19/10/2023 17:38

I certainly give hoots about too many things 😂 I couldn’t achieve laid back and casual if my life depended on it!

RoyalImpatience · 19/10/2023 17:52

@Thepeopleversuswork.. I know people like this I don't think a single one would say "I'm rich enough that people winter care"... What a load of nonsense.

Firstly all sorts of people are rich and in one school number friendship group at a private school, two maybe the cool mum scruff and one maybe ultra tidy and neat and two don't care etc.

Because like everyone else richer people are all different..

I have one lot of cousins like this and they are quite well off and they dont care about stuff other people do because they had a different lifestyle growing up in a third world and thier parents were both uni lecturers so they were raised in a shabby house very intellectual... They dint care...

I could also be put into that category because of my dc clothes and house but not me, I'm not slim or cool😂. But my dc dressed in beautiful clothes, second hand... Didn't care if they got dirty, wore nice things all the time because 50p from charity even though its I love grogeous... Who cares??

Kimonokweenie · 19/10/2023 18:34

I’m pretty certain I have a friend who fits this bracket…. I live in awe

She lives in a very wealthy part of town, known locally as ‘the Chelsea of …’ our City. House is bought outright with family money - never has been mortgaged. It’s a 4 bed roomy Victorian home, there’s absolutely NO IKEA, all furnishings look very old/antique. Art work is all original no prints, her bed surprised me, large antique looking frame no matching bedding set - was just layers of chintz pillows and vintage quilts.
The whole house smells of wet dog and musty blankets. She doesn’t have a dishwasher or microwave as she ‘doesn’t trust them’ kitchen is just a haphazard mess of pots on the range and used dishes next to the large butlers sink. She doesn’t appear to iron anything, her son wears what he likes, lots of clothes with paint on and mud.
She absolutely loves vintage table linen and collects them, I’ve seen her sweep everything off the kitchen table, not clean the grimy surface and just plonk an creased embroidered tablecloth on it, collect some flowers from the garden into an old jam jar and it just looked amazing.
She doesn’t work, but she sells the odd antique online that she found ‘for a song’. Husband works for a left wing political party.
Style wise she lives in chunky wool socks, Birkenstocks, beautifully worn denim, beautiful wool jumpers. She also wears a lot of inherited clothes Barbour jackets, Burberry trench, vintage Laura ashley. She’s scruffy like her son though, hair is never done, no makeup.

shes wonderful though extremely polite and a witty sense of humour!

I first realised she was a bit posh when I had to explain what Dunelm was…

girlswillbegirls · 19/10/2023 19:03

DressingRoom · 19/10/2023 15:44

@girlswillbegirls I try to explain that there is a thing of "I don't care, I'm wealthy and I'm proud of not bothering, a mix between neo-hippy and this is beneath me"

I don't think that's generally true, though -- lots of people on the thread have said they're not wealthy or 'proud' of not bothering, or concerned about what their house looks like; it just looks like what it looks like, it doesn't bother them enough to live differently, and they don't regard cleaning as the kind of moral issue some people on here do. I mean, cleaning just isn't something I want to spend my time doing. It doesn't take up any of my mental space, and I don't have a concept of 'visitor-ready', which I think must contribute to the high levels of loneliness that seem to be evident on here. I can't imagine that refraining from having people around to your house unless you've spent considerable time cleaning it in advance is that conducive to a social life.

I think you are right. It's not just the very wealthy. But I think I only saw very wealthy people with holes in their jumpers, unkempt kids and kind of scruffy over here. It is interesting from our point of view. I grew up in an immaculate house and I do think in Spain and Italy (as I know many Italians too) there is a thing about having your house always tidy and clean at all times. Not because you have visitors, it's for you. Maybe because you have seen it for generations you have the "need" to do it. As PP said, it's common to see women sweepping the floor outside their houses (their entrance, this is more in rural areas and the old generation though)
I don't think it's bad to have a messy home if that is how you relax and feel "at home". I secretly admire people who open the door to friends in a messy house and seem so unbothered. We are all different.

restingbitchface30 · 19/10/2023 19:04

I know one but she does work. Used to own the business I worked at. She’s 43, pregnant with her 3rd, beautiful but messy house, loves yoga and is always on holiday! She’s very chilled out. I asked her the other day if she uses ms Rachel and she said ‘who’! She was born into money though so I believe her way comes from that. Always had a cleaner so never had to do much as a child. Was sent to prep school so was around the whole yoga yummy mummy types! Spent 8 years at uni for no particular reason other than dad paid for everything so why not. But she’s still quite down to earth and just lives her life!

redribbonrose · 19/10/2023 19:14

There’s a mum at our school I was observing this week. Her clothes are random! Very messy and out there

kids have long scruffy hair (boys)

i bet she has a big house and her husband is a banker

RubyBoozeDay · 19/10/2023 19:38

Kimonokweenie · 19/10/2023 18:34

I’m pretty certain I have a friend who fits this bracket…. I live in awe

She lives in a very wealthy part of town, known locally as ‘the Chelsea of …’ our City. House is bought outright with family money - never has been mortgaged. It’s a 4 bed roomy Victorian home, there’s absolutely NO IKEA, all furnishings look very old/antique. Art work is all original no prints, her bed surprised me, large antique looking frame no matching bedding set - was just layers of chintz pillows and vintage quilts.
The whole house smells of wet dog and musty blankets. She doesn’t have a dishwasher or microwave as she ‘doesn’t trust them’ kitchen is just a haphazard mess of pots on the range and used dishes next to the large butlers sink. She doesn’t appear to iron anything, her son wears what he likes, lots of clothes with paint on and mud.
She absolutely loves vintage table linen and collects them, I’ve seen her sweep everything off the kitchen table, not clean the grimy surface and just plonk an creased embroidered tablecloth on it, collect some flowers from the garden into an old jam jar and it just looked amazing.
She doesn’t work, but she sells the odd antique online that she found ‘for a song’. Husband works for a left wing political party.
Style wise she lives in chunky wool socks, Birkenstocks, beautifully worn denim, beautiful wool jumpers. She also wears a lot of inherited clothes Barbour jackets, Burberry trench, vintage Laura ashley. She’s scruffy like her son though, hair is never done, no makeup.

shes wonderful though extremely polite and a witty sense of humour!

I first realised she was a bit posh when I had to explain what Dunelm was…

But...but...but...doesn't the smell of wet dog and musty blankets put you off a bit? And her quirky bed linen, I bet that whiffs too. I bet her kids are known as the ones from The Smelly House.

CLH107 · 19/10/2023 19:41

I’m also this mum… I need to find other mums like this.. where is OP from?

Middleagedspreadisreal · 19/10/2023 19:45

I'd hate to be like that. I'd hate a messy home

DryIce · 19/10/2023 19:48

The range of acceptable levels of house presentation is astonishing me! Perhaps it's one of those things where we all assume anyone cleaner than ourselves is overly precious, and anyone messier a filthy slob!

I am definitely not posh, but will admit to feeling I have better things to do than clean. Thus the house is very..."lived-in". Would people really hesitate to accept a drink for hygiene reasons? Obvs dishes and food things are always clean, but it may be a whole between mopping on the floor

Utterbunkum · 19/10/2023 19:57

@Kimonokweenie Well, I thought Dunelm's WAS posh!

TBF I don't wear makeup either. Haven't since I was a teen. I have got a face for radio anyway, and it does little for me.

Kimonokweenie · 19/10/2023 20:26

RubyBoozeDay · 19/10/2023 19:38

But...but...but...doesn't the smell of wet dog and musty blankets put you off a bit? And her quirky bed linen, I bet that whiffs too. I bet her kids are known as the ones from The Smelly House.

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She was privately educated but her son goes to state school - his Dad insisted on it.
he’s known as the cool kid in school, he’s bright, kind and outgoing, friends with everyone. He Can play piano and horse ride. Plus the holidays in unusual places fascinate my kids. I honestly don’t think young children notice, could change as he gets older though

Puffalicious · 19/10/2023 20:28

Hiphopopotamonster · 18/10/2023 11:15

It’s a middle/upper class privilege. You can have your kids and house looking scruffy and messy when you’re not having to already battle against stereotypes that low income/working class families face. You can have your kids run around barefoot and not pristine clean when you’re not worried about having to prove anything to the school/social services/neighbours and have to very obviously show your kids are well cared for. Even the description you’ve given - a big expensive house is ‘cool’ when it’s a bit messy. Would you see a messy council flat in the same way? The whole thing is a massive privilege that you can afford when you have enough money and status not to have to worry what other people think.

This, this, this, this!

BF teaches in a state primary in a very well to do, old money area (parents make demands like it's private- you know the kind of place). Kids there come in uniform too small/ very worn/ same toothpaste stain every day Mon-Fri. The contrast to where we grew up (not far) is stark- working class families/ lower MC with kids absolutely pristine. It's a pride thing, and a definite proving to the world you're good enough. Moneyed folks don't need to prove it/ be concerned with being judged by authorities.

TheaBrandt · 19/10/2023 20:36

It can go too far. I used to babysit for a very posh family in ny home village as a teen and it was ducking rank. Even my 17 year old self was quite horrified. Think that family had faith the too posh to clean rather too far…

Moonlightdust · 19/10/2023 20:42

I did an inward chuckle there as I know exactly what you mean. Although the mums I know like that do also have jobs. I admire them - I like to be organised but usually at the cost of me running around trying to juggle everything & I get too overwhelmed at times. These ‘hip’ mums do the headless chicken vibe much better 😂

1990thatsme · 19/10/2023 20:46

Zakana · 18/10/2023 18:41

From where I live, lots of us mere “serfs” call them typical “middle Brighton mums”, very bohemian, smoke weed, walk around barefoot in the street as do their kids, crazy houses which are worth a small fortune in the right part of Brighton, and so on! The only reason I know this is because I have met many mums like this! Btw, the smoking weed isn’t obligatory to be a middle Brighton mum 😂

I am almost one of these Brighton Boho mums, but no drugs here, sorry!

I will admit to the three long haired messy children, the Montessori school, the wooden kitchen table, dogs, cats, untidy Victorian house with open fireplaces, sash windows, and piano. I will also admit to the Cambridge education and absolute lack of fucks I give about what anyone thinks of me. No car, not really necessary in Brighton, and I hate driving anyway. DH works abroad for 6-12 weeks at a time so no point keeping a car for him either.

However, my house is clean (ish) as I have a cleaner. It’s odd how this thread has deteriorated into mud slinging about cleaning standards.

Moonlightdust · 19/10/2023 20:52

Oh and the houses are like Aladdin's cave, sprawling period homes full of antique or mismatch furniture but all unique and quirky. Each room looks like it’s ‘lived’ in, never tidied & sparkling even when guests expected. The kids’ clothes are good expensive quality brands but always a bit dishevelled and often hand me downs. Always find it fascinating how they pull both off as if I were to not keep on top of my housework daily, my home would represent a hovel, and if I didn’t brush kids’ hair and let them wear days old clothes they’d look like they’d been living in squalor!