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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband highlighting my children’s errors

51 replies

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 08:51

Hi,

I feel so low every day and night. Each evening or through the day, my husband points out what my children are doing wrong. My children are 12 and 14.

If he finds poo stains in the toilet, he leaves them there and shows me and says we need to confront the children about it. But it ends up being me showing them and getting them to clean it.

If they spill something when making a drink and don’t clean it up, he leaves it there sometimes overnight for them to be shown it and asks them to clean it up in the morning.

If he sees empty containers in the bathroom or a soaking wet towel etc, he leaves their empty shampoo or shower gel bottles for them to see and sort out. He shows me the same too.

He leaves their glasses, cups, dirty laundry where it is and tells me what they have done. So I end up raising it with the children. I have recently asked him to raise these things with the children if he finds them, otherwise I always look like the one complaining as they are my children.

His children are lazy and don’t take their glasses through to the kitchen or help out when they pop by now and again and they are adults and he cleans up after them eg takes their glass away and doesn’t leave it there for them next to visit. They are actually both older than 18.

The pettiness is eating me up to a point I want to say don’t clear away your children’s glasses leave them there until they come round next time so they can see what they have done, even if that means a week.

I am not like that though but I feel so angry about this. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 18/10/2023 08:55

Honestly at 12 and 14 if they were leaving shit in the toilet and spilling drinks and not cleaning up I’d be getting fed up to say the least…

I do think the situation with his is different as visiting adults I think the attitude might be more they are guests. Especially as it sounds they aren’t there for long or very often? And probably don’t leave shit in the toilet (which honestly I’d be going nuclear over)

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 08:58

When they lived with us, his children were lazy. Left shit in the toilet. Never brought their washing in, didn’t help drying up or dusting etc. they left stuff everywhere and one ruined our sofa with food. I never said anything. They were treated by their dad as royalty whilst my two had to dry up, clean surfaces, bring their washing down, dust and Hoover. It’s seems very unfair.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/10/2023 08:59

Although it is a bit petty, this strikes me as quite sensible in avoiding any stepdad resentment. He's passing it to you to deal with, and you can either do it for them or tackle it with them. How long have you lived together?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/10/2023 08:59

The toilet thing is horrible and they are old enough to sort that out themselves without having to be told. However, your husband sounds like an absolute knob. I don't think this merging of families is working, do you?

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:00

They are not spilling drinks - it’s more a drop of dilute juice on the worktop when they make a drink.
they bring their glass through and rinse before putting in the dishwasher. They do so many chores but they are never rewarded for what they do well. Just criticism for every little thing they do wrong.

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 18/10/2023 09:00

Unfortunately the only thing that worked w mine at that age was draggi g them back and making them clean it. It got to the point with the toilet that I made them take turns to clean up any mess because no one would admit making it.

In general I think he has a point but I can also see that it must be super nitpicking if he makes it for each and every glass.

I also think you have a point about his children, perhaps you should make it to him?

Zimunya · 18/10/2023 09:00

Living under constant criticism is very difficult. What does your partner actually bring to thi srelationship? He sounds like hard work!

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 18/10/2023 09:01

Just because his children were lazy would not mean that I felt it was fair for your children to leave shit in the toilet, and honestly there would be consequences for doing that repeatedly. It’s fucking vile.

DisquietintheRanks · 18/10/2023 09:01

Xposts. Sounds like you have a problem

Tourmalines · 18/10/2023 09:01

I don’t see he is doing anything wrong . They need to clean up after themselves, which it seems they are not doing . I’m guessing if he was the one to pull them up on it , then I’m sure you’d get the comments that it’s not his place , he’s a bully . As far as his kids , they are guests so that is a bit different especially if they only visit now and again .

takealettermsjones · 18/10/2023 09:02

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:00

They are not spilling drinks - it’s more a drop of dilute juice on the worktop when they make a drink.
they bring their glass through and rinse before putting in the dishwasher. They do so many chores but they are never rewarded for what they do well. Just criticism for every little thing they do wrong.

Wait sorry now I'm confused - you said in OP he tells you these things and you'd rather he raised it with the children directly. But then you said you don't want him to criticise them. What do you want him to do?

CwmYoy · 18/10/2023 09:02

Maybe it's time he found somewhere else to live. He sounds a total cunt.

Robotalkingrubbish · 18/10/2023 09:02

Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t stand the constant criticism of my children. I’m sorry you are in this position. I would choose my children over this man.

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:04

We have lived together for 8 years.
It’s only on occasion one of the children leaves poo stains but they clean most of them off, it feels like he just looks for their faults. He goes through my eldest’s bedroom and then moans. She will want to move out in a few years like his two did.
what I find difficult is the constant picking at faults but only tells me and not them. It’s draining.
He is stressed at the minute. No job. His daughter doesn’t contact him much unless she wants something and his other child is the same.
I have a close bond with my children. Sometimes feel he is jealous that he never had that.

OP posts:
jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:05

It’s criticising them to me and not to them directly that’s draining. It’s constantly in my ear each day that they have done this or they haven’t done that. I often ask what do they do well. He struggles with that one.
its shocking that he used to be a manager - with those skills and lack of emotional awareness, I wouldn’t like to work for him. However, I know when he was at work he was a different person.

OP posts:
jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:06

He is very critical of my son when he plays rugby. Rarely gives praise but tells him all his faults. I have to stop him most weeks.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/10/2023 09:07

Ah ok. Thanks for updates. Yeah he sounds like an arse.

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:11

His two our family home as soon as they could. He nitpicks at them now and again now eg the filth in their cars. However, if it was my kids, I would leave it if I hadn’t seen them for a month.
they definitely keep their distance from him.
at their mums they have messy bedrooms and can do what they want as mum has a cleaner, they get given money so they have no need to work.
my two witness this.
i feel with my husband there’s a lot of anger and resentment and nitpicking at my children is his was of release. No right to do so, but he does. After his tirade he will whistle as if he is happy and I am reeling.

OP posts:
jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:12

My kids have had to clean poo stains from the toilet with him since they started living with him. He was annoyed at my youngest from age 4.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 18/10/2023 09:15

Why are you letting him treat them like this? I couldn't live with that.

LightSpeeds · 18/10/2023 09:16

This sounds like a bit of control and bullying to me - and jealousy.

If your husband is struggling seems like he's taking out his frustrations on you and the children.

I think you need to REALLY put your foot down and tell him to stop with the continual nit-picking.

He could probably do with a trip to the GP and/or some counselling.

BodenCardiganNot · 18/10/2023 09:18

He goes through my eldest’s bedroom and then moans. She will want to move out in a few years like his two did.

How fucking dare he do this. You know what your future is don't you? Your children will leave as soon as they can and as adults they will look at you and wonder why the hell you inflicted this man on them.

jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:24

It just doesn’t feel right.
I can feel really happy - had an interview yesterday for a new job and I was buzzing. Not sure if I got the role but I felt great. He didn’t seem as happy so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even mention the interview as I know he hasn’t had an interview for a job and he has been out of work for 6 months.
I try to be considerate of his feelings.
i worry he is going through a breakdown so I am being patient with him and supportive. But not I feel he is getting at my kids. They know it’s not coming from me. I even stated yesterday morning, that X left the milk there for you to see it. I asked my husband why not just clean it up and mention it in the morning rather than leave a blob of drink on the side - tbh it was milk on a white kitchen top and she hasn’t seen it. I put a lot down to teenage years. I don’t like the poo stains either but it’s also how he gets annoyed that they leave doors open when it’s cold or don’t see things that could be done better and just moans to me.
sometimes there is toothpaste blob in the sink - I don’t use their bathroom so don’t see it but he sees it and he will leave it there and let me know about it. I know when his two lived with us, he cleaned up after them. He did moan about them but he also did a lot for them too.
It just makes me sad.

OP posts:
jeallybellybean · 18/10/2023 09:28

It’s all really petty. I think what’s difficult is not hearing any positives and then he says well who thanks me for taking the bin out or washing up. I said I know who thanks me for cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing, school runs, it’s a thankless task being a parent. They should be praised for them being good at school though. My daughter doesn’t want to open up to him about her issues at school with friends and he seems to use that against her too and says I can see why you don’t have friends.
He hates criticism himself though and will stonewall for days and give the silent treatment for days (although he says he’s still talking to you when he says yes and no etc). He’s surprised he hasn’t got a job yet as he has so much to offer yet wants me to write his personal statement.
I feel torn and confused.

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 18/10/2023 09:29

Toilet cleaning aside my teenagers wouldn't even notice half this other stuff. It's not done deliberately but their brains are just not wired that way.

This feels like controlling behaviour to me. Criticising your children and your parenting of them by default. Leaving every job for you to see to make a point and then leaving you to clean it. Big red flags. It's like how people used to say to rub a dog's nose in their wee if they did it on the carpet.