Feeling so shit

[strawberryandkiwi]

Hi

just feeling a bit down and shit about things

I love my job. I only just graduated in July and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I was so excited to begin at my firm

but from the moment I started it’s gone badly

I understand I won’t know everything because I just started and it’s a learning curve, but I feel like everyday I go to work I get every single thing wrong. Nothing I do is right. Every question I ask is obvious and I should know the answer to already but I don’t.

at first I tried to have a ‘it’s a new day, start again’ attitude but it’s getting harder and harder to do that and it sounds ridiculous but I dread going to work now. I feel ill the entire way because I’m so nervous, then when I get to the office I just go from 1 disaster to the next and go home feeling even worse. And repeat that the next day, and the next, and the next.

Im not disputing for 1 moment that is making mistakes and getting things wrong and that’s entirely my problem and responsibility to fix, but I’m finding it so difficult and I’m trying my best but I still manage to get it wrong every single time- when I ask for help it’s a stupid question and I need to use my initiative more rather than expecting everyone to spoon feed me but when I try to use my initiative I get it wrong every single time

when I think back to how excited I was when I graduated in july I feel so heartbroken. This is the job I worked so hard to get, studied so hard at uni to pass my exams for and cried and cried because I didn’t think I could do it and pass. But I did and here I am doing the job I wanted to so badly and I’m supposed to be enjoying it but yet I’ve never been so miserable in all my life

I think it’s just been 1 thing after another and I feel so shit about things now. I worked as hard as I could fit into every hour of the day and ended up distancing myself from my friends because I didn’t want to have a knock on effect on them with my negativity and the fact I’m failing because they are happy and doing well at their firms so I didn’t want to bring them down because that’s not fair on them at all

I DONT feel suicidal at all, I just feel like I really hate life and I keep thinking I wish I was dead because I’m so miserable with this all. Obviously I don’t want to be dead though and I just want to stress again I am NOT suicidal in anyway👍🏻 It’s just a feeling that I hate life and everyone at work would have a much easier life if I wasn’t there

is this normal when starting a new job, especially just after university? Does it get better? All of this is my own fault because it’s my responsibility to work harder and get things right and stop annoying everyone so I don’t know why I’m complaining when it’s my own fault but I just feel so shit. Does it get better?

This could just be as simple as you are at the wrong firm. It's just not the right fit. Perhaps apply for the same job but somewhere else? You should really have some sort of mentor who will help you. Some workplaces are more hostile to new starters and expect you to hit the ground running. Some places will give you a much nicer settling in period. I'd start applying for different firms, before you burn yourself out and either quit or make yourself ill. That will be much harder to recover from when applying for new jobs. Good luck.

Is this your first job ever? Or did you have one before/during uni?

I only ask because if you had similar problems in other jobs, then it's not the workplace and you'd want to look at strategies in general to help you. If it's just this job, perhaps trying another job is in order. You shouldn't feel ill at the thought of work and if you've been there awhile and still don't feel like you've mastered your job description, time to move on. I'd start by asking your boss/higher up what they think of your job performance. Perhaps they have some constructive ideas to help before you put time/energy unto a job search?

It’s your first job- if you hate it after a few weeks still- you know with your gut it’s not right. Sometimes it’s the environment.
its just a job- you can get thousands of others. It’s your life. Sometimes it’s not always the job but the people you work with that make you laugh.

Trust me once you get a new one and settle in you’ll completely change your outlook

Some organisations have toxic team members and/or managers. It sounds like your manager is not supporting you adequately. This could be due to a work overload, high turnover of staff, lack of training, poor morale or poor management. The org. itself could be fine, you may have been unlucky enough to be with a bad team.

I've always heard that you should give yourself six months in a new job. If you're not happy then, look elsewhere. If its at a stage where you wish not to exist, then start looking elsewhere asap.

If this is the first company you have worked for it may well be them not you!
I am reasonably good at what I do but there are a couple of places I have worked that I just couldn't get it.
I lasted less than three months at one place because they seemed intent on explaining things to everyone but me.....that was an interesting exit interview!
Try looking for the same job somewhere else, if you still have the same problem then at least you know where the issue is.

Perhaps it’s the job, perhaps it’s having everything you always wanted suddenly land and your mind just can’t handle that. There’s also maybe your confidence has been knocked by the first issues? Maybe a list in in order, pros and cons, but objectively see if this is a confidence thing and can you get over it or is it that you won’t get over it in this place but might somewhere else? I had a job I could do in my sleep and once I started worrying I wasn’t doing it right because of a big but now I think about it not that big a mistake happened, I started messing up and worrying about everything daily. I finally moved on to a place with the same procedures etc and totally thrived! Deep breath and also talk to the friends you think you’ve lost. They’ll understand. Hugs op, it’s not worth feeling like this x

Sounds like your confidence is knocked, do you generally enjoy what the job involves? Can you say more about what you do? It could be a bad fit for you, or you could just be thinking you're worse than you are and you're fine!

Do you go to your colleagues and ask ‘how do I do x?’ Or so you go and say ‘I am about to do x in this way, is that correct?’ So are you asking how to do it or asking that you are doing it right?

I qualified as a vet, then lasted six months in my first job. They had never employed a new graduate before and were incredibly impatient about giving me any help or supervision, then were critical when I made mistakes.

Despite thinking it would look bad on my CV, I moved after six months and landed somewhere that was completely different. Obviously I already had enough experience by then so that I didn’t need as much support, but nonetheless I got the support I did need and when things went wrong, I was assisted, not blamed.

It took me a long time to work out that practices that advertised often were probably not good practices to work for and to watch the job adverts for places that came up rarely, as those were often better places to work. You could possibly find out the same by asking about turnover.

Good luck, OP, I hope things improve for you.

I hated my first job after graduation and felt stupid and like I didn't know what I was doing. I moved to a different company after 7 months and realised the issue wasn't with me but the company I'd been working for. They provided almost zero training, support or direction but I didn't have anything to compare it to so didn't know any better.

I think you perhaps need to work out exactly what you need to feel more confident/capable in the role and then go to your manager with training/support requests. It's better to show them that you're taking this seriously and want to improve than to stay quiet and feel you're not doing a good job.

Can you find yourself a mentor there outside of the immediate team to work with you?

It might not be the right cultural fit for you of course but honestly I think try and look at this from different angles.

Honestly it sounds to me like work place bullying. You’re not being given any support or encouragement and they’re making you feel it’s all your fault. I’d look for a new job. I really don’t think you’re the problem.

Honestly, as someone who worked really hard at their first job after graduating and gave it my all for years even when it clearly was not the right role or company for me...this is a huge blessing for you. You cannot outwork poor company culture or a role that just isn't right for you. Trust me.

All that has happened is you're no longer working at a company that was making you miserable. It's not a huge life failure.

It DOES mean the door is now open for you to work in a company where you love the culture, are excited to go to work every day, feel supported, have colleagues you enjoy working with, and have huge growth and learning opportunities that fit in with your ultimate career goals. That's exciting! You are going to be fine.

I employ graduate s and would be devastated if one of them felt like you.

It's the company culture and not you.

Please move quickly and find a nicer culture

It typically takes six months to settle into a job, so you've had some good advice, good to be aware that it's not always you, but also it could just be that the role has a really steep learning curve and it's still early days... Hard to know without you saying anything more specific.

It's a horrid horrid feeling though, and one thing it certainly isn't is a bad reflection on you, you're clearly a capable person, so it's either the sort of thing anyone would find challenging or your induction/onboarding/support is lacking.

Either way if you have a conversation about it with bosses, make sure in your head you remember you're bright and hard working so if this isn't working well the context/environment is more likely to be the issue so the solution is external to you not internal... It's really easy to assume if only you dig deeper or act smarter it would be fine (internalise the problem, blame self) but actually it's more likely to be better training (or whatever) is all that's needed to make it manageable

Well they don’t seem very kind.

Are you able to say what sector it is? Can you change to a different employer?

Also, don't distance yourself from your friends, that's a good way to ruin your mental health.
Talk to them to get some perspective, ask them if you can sense check your work culture against theirs, give them some examples of what's happened and what the reaction was, and ask how that would have played out at their place... This means you are sharing what's going on for you but you aren't just venting, so they will understand you are having a tough ride and I'm sure will want to support you, but also you get some perspective outside of your bubble to find out if what's going on is typical... Then you can get the context you need to assess what's going on and help you decide with confidence if you should look elsewhere.

If your friends are half decent humans they won't want you to hide that you've landed somewhere less favourable than they are fortunately enjoying... It's the luck of the draw, no poor reflection on you.

If it’s anything like law for example, I am fairly confident it is just the wrong fit. I’ve worked in a number of law firms over the years and they vary hugely. Some of the words you are using like you shouldn’t be “spoon fed” sounds to me like this is feedback you’ve received and now you are worrying about asking supervisors questions or to check work as this will be seen as not using your initiative. That’s not a reflection on you, it means whoever is meant to be supervising either can’t be bothered or is too busy with their own work to give proper supervision.

I would move to another firm where you will find, under the right management and supervision, you will thrive. Good luck OP. Life is too short to wake up and dread work every day.

Is it teaching op? Whatever the job is, it’s not worth making yourself miserable over. Sometimes getting very focused on one career when very young doesn’t mean it’s actually what you’re meant to be doing, but you get caught up in expectations from yourself and others and feel you have to stick with it. I hope it gets better but you’re not tied to this career if it’s not for you.

Sorry I see you used the word ‘firm’ above so not teaching, but the rest of my pp stands. Although the company may simply not be the right it either, some places can take the mick with grads with unreasonable expectations.

Had to reply when I saw your post as I feel this so deeply! I have been there.

I wonder if I’m right that you have been quite a high achiever, and have worked very hard for this opportunity. Finally getting what you worked for is a weird mixture of relief that you can relax but also panic as it’s only just beginning.

As PP have said it could be a mismatch with the firm or a toxic workplace. However I can’t see evidence of this in your OP. (When you say you ask questions you should already know the answer to, is that just how you feel or how they are making you feel?)

I always tell new starters that it takes 6 months before you start feeling like you know your way around the job 2 years before your feel decent at it and who knows how long before you feel very good at it as I havent reached that yet! (3 years qualified, 10 years in the firm)

If I’m ringing true with you, I don’t know what the solution is but be kind to yourself. Usually people are more than happy to help with the “silly” questions and that is a much better option all around than making mistakes and beating yourself up about them. We’ve all been there.

Please PM me if you want to chat.

It could be that the firm - or the division in which you work - is just dysfunctional in the way it operates. I once took a senior position in a huge global company. I was very experienced and knew the industry inside out, but I was up against an MD and a way of operating that just didn't make sense.

I couldn't function in this dysfunctional setup and they wouldn't listen. So I left after less than 6 months, and this was absolutely the right decision. (NB: The division was restructured within a year and the MD was let go...)

So..... it's quite possibly them, not you!

Have you done similar roles before and excelled?
If yes then consider this workplace is wrong for you. /not a great place to work.

Have you done similar roles and struggled?
If yes maybe you need to rethink your career choice.

If no to both consider the company. Are they supportive? What strategies are they putting in place to helping you improve? What training/mentoring/supervision have they offered?

This isn't all on you . You are new to post they have a responsibility to ensure you know what you are doing and feel confident in your role.

I said recently to dh that I have struggled in a number of jobs I've had. He asked what the support was like and I realised generally it was non existent. But roles I was supported in i flourished.

Ah, thank you for all the feedback and tips and advice. I’ll take them all on board.

this is my first time in this role, I was studying for it at university and I just graduated in summer and started straight after.

it’s a really, really busy firm. There’s been wider problems with us being overworked and not enough staff and having pushy managers but that is way above me but it’s a wider problem affecting everyone.

some of the questions I’m asking are not unreasonable for me to be asking (at least, in my opinion, so that might be totally skewed and wrong of course!!) because it’s things I have never been trained on and is totally new to me, and whenever I try to use my initiative I seem to just get it all wrong. I always make an attempt before asking for help or try to work it out but I still get told that it’s a stupid question and I should know the answer and shouldn’t be expecting to be spoon fed.

maybe I just need more time and to stop expecting to be magically good at my job when I’ve just started, but equally, it’s so deflating feeling like your just a nuisance and a pest and you never do anything right. But I do really like working there and I like my colleagues and my mentor so I don’t want to quit if I can avoid itZ

I honestly feel like I’m living under a big rainy cloud right now and feel so miserable. I’ve had stressful and upsetting times before but for some reason this has affected me worse than anything I’ve ever had- I feel like everyday I’ve had a little piece of myself chipped away x